Some dude's diary

27/6/2022

So I haven't even started yet, and all I wanna ask is "damn, who hurt you??" I was just copying the code (originality is dead in this website, only copying existing code and modifying it), and I had to delete, what seemed to be, a file of Miss Wannabe just being angry, and then explaining herself for the 100th time... Like, we get it, you just wanna vent, you're not gonna hurt someone!!
Anyway, this is the first entry where people make introductions. But I'm not people so I will just keep talking until the end of the entry, while having you trying to figure out who I am!! Like, age? background? what are you doing, writing an essay on me?? Also, sexuality? Why do you wanna know that, you wanna date me or smth?? (I mean I don't mind...)
Whatever, unlike Miss Wannabe, instead of people I feel like I'm talking to a wall, so instead of structuring my entries into, what it seems to be, a YouTube video, I'm just gonna keep talking to myself, for god knows how long, because lengthy entries are my passion!! I also have a million different moods, so expect me to talk with you passionately about something, and then suddenly saying "I wanna be left alone now!" and just walk out.
I didn't know if I should make this a txt file or an html file, so I went with a html one, that looks just like a txt file! It shows up when updated, and when I just don't feel like it, I can just delete the update thing entirely. Couldn't decide on the name though, so I just said "a" like a normal person. We'll find a good name in the future, I promise!
The thing is, I don't know what I should say next, so I'll just say "ask whatever" and you will probably ask whatever, and I'll probably answer whatever in the next entry. Anyway, that's all for now! I wanna leave something in the end each time because why not, so because I can't decide between stereotypical music and a vocaloid song, I'll just go ahead and grab the first meme that shows up in my recommended, bye!
Edit: Take this mood
- Professor (if you see this, you now have to tell me who you thought it was!!)

29/6/2022

... Damn! I'm kinda surprised my journal is still here, I expected her to delete it on impulse, because she was angry at everyone!
Anyway, I'm here to say that I'm just gonna take Miss Wannabe off the internet for a while. In the beginning we were thinking until the end of the month, but that's... Tomorrow, so I'm just gonna say "1 week" instead of "until the end of June". We are not sure though, so it could be less, it could be more, whatever.
Must say, that breakdown yesterday was kinda intense. But understandable! These days she was feeling kinda down and yesterday she woke up feeling like she was faking everything and that she sucks and then the universe told her "yeah, you're a loser LMAO" so she felt awful, came here, saw what was happening and just; broke down. She just opened her diary and snapped. I wish I could emphasise more on that one (coming here, seeing the situation, feeling awful) but she doesn't let me talk about it.
I'm kinda suprised she didn't beat me though. If she has a breakdown, despair and rage are together most of the time. So she could be crying in one moment and start yelling the next. I think that Kuro nailed to calm her on time, so she didn't whip my ass. Idk how he nailed to calm down that beast (no offense), but this really made me say "wow".
I'm not gonna say that she didn't have a clear mind, because in the internet, she genuinely doesn't know what's going on. She personally told me that half the time, she believes that she is playing a game and that you are a bunch of in game characters. Oh, starting to talk to people instead of a wall, alright. I mean, I am making an announcement, otherwise I would have just dragged her off the internet without notice.
I would actually take her away entirely, but she logged in today and said "But these people have their birthdays, it's so rude not say happy birthday:<" so I decided to let her 5 minutes each day, just to check only the first page, and her profile feed. So if you wanna talk to her, you have to comment on the profile, because that's the only way I'm letting her see it. I'm mostly talking about preresent here, if you make a response to her, you have to let her know in the profile (but nobody will, because it doesn't matter, nobody matters, the earth will still spin without me, nobody cares!!) because that's all I'm letting her see.
You guys are some REALLY LUCKY bastards, you know that? I keep hearing Miss Wannabe talking about you, and always saying the best things: heart143? still waiting to unprivate their profile because she misses them. sceneofyhecrash? still misses them. infern0? still misses them. emptygod? actually wants to know if they feel left out from her inner circle, because she doesn't wanna do that to them. vomitboyz? hopes you had fun on the concert. behavior? still appreciates that happy birthday. antikrist? wants to know if things are currently going okay in her family. macrev? you're so fucking cool. koinuko? you're so supportive and kind, and that webring idea was awesome. absentlydepart? that comment about Taka loving her cupcakes is stored deep within her heart. gyakutenkenji2? that message about Taka loving her will be cherished forever. eam-archives? wishes you the best on being sober. mutual that hasn't talked in a while? where are you, is everything okay? I have seen people irl caring less about their best friends than this chick!!! You guys are really fucking lucky. I swear, tell me if you wanna know what she thinks of you (in the comments section of course), I'm telling you, I've never seen someone having so many people close to their heart!!!
People keep saying that she has a really kind personality... I don't know if that's actually the case or if she's just stuck mentally at the age of 5... I guess I'll just take the kindness option for now.
But anyway like I said, for now it's gonna be that five minute rule. So I guess that you can talk to me more if you're interested... Not saying that I will be very active though, because I'm currently busy with things. Sure, Kuro nailed to calm her a bit, but her will to die is still there. I think that she mostly agreed because the method she picked isn't something she really wants to use, but there aren't many good options. So I have to do that and come up with stuff to do while she is away. I come up with some good activities, and so far she seems like she's enjoying it, so making a list could be helpful. Also I need to take care of Kuro as well, because the whole thing really drained him, and he's feeling really down. It's kinda my fault as well though, because these days I had my own breakdown, so we really sucked his energy. So in general I have to take care of both of them, come up with ideas for activities, monitor Miss Wannabe's behaviour, try and keep track of everyone in this brain (I didn't like her last post on her profile so I'll keep an eye on the whole thing) and try to find alternatives to university. Now that reality proved that we are pretty much a bunch of losers, we have to find a better idea than just... die. I mean, my own breakdown was about that as well, but we have to find something better.
I'm kinda surprised to be honest. I never expected that I would be the one taking care of them. Most of the time it is the other way around. Me having a breakdown, and them calming me. I'm kinda guilty now though, because if I actually tried to suck it up for a few months, Miss Wannabe would be better mentally and she would be able to focus on studying more, and not me. I really feel like a piece of shit right now.
But that's all for now, I have to see what I can do and what I should plan, so I should probably be going.
- Professor
Edit: Okay, because I came up with it just now, if anyone might be worried, are you interested in me doing a daily report?? Asking because I'm making my plans right now, and I need to see when and if I should put something like that in the schedule!!!!

30/6/2022

Okay because I will forget, TW for this one!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Jesus Christ, just END ME! GOOOOOOOODDD!
I'm just angry!!!!! Like REALLY angry!!!!!!! Bro, why? Just why?
The day was going so fine... SO fine. I just woke up feeling actually fine!!!! I nailed to feel "fine". To you it doesn't say much, but to me, my average emotion is "the void inside me has spared me today". My voice sometimes is monotonous. I don't laugh. I fake all my smiles. Not because I'm depressed, I'm just really fucking empty. And today I nailed to feel "fine". A good "fine" with a smile and shit. Hell, I even nailed to feel "kinda happy" at one moment and genuinely smile. It was so good. Miss Wannabe seemed really happy, and at one point I think that she kinda regressed! I may be kinda "eh" about it, but I like to think that it was a way of trust. I also think that she regressed because I was taking care of her. Felt safe and loved so it just; happened. Which is pretty nice, so I just let her be.
What's also great is that I made her eat breakfast today. So that was good. In general, Miss Wannabe believes that self harm = cutting, so she's always like "yes I may starve myself, scratch myself to an unhealthy degree, pull my hair, do this, do that, BUT I am not cutting though. So it's not self harm". A thing that she said though is that she was always doing that. She always used to skip meals or eating way later as a kid. Even to this day, she doesn't eat at night. She just skips it. It sounds kinda concerning, because most of the time these days she's just eating once a day, and it's lunch. So with breakfast, I can bring her back to two times, and maybe eventually three. That was process for me!!!
Also today for some reason she felt like she was faking her PTSD. So I had to be like "hey, it's alright, you don't fake it". I mean, if you oh so claim that you have no trauma and that everything is fine why am I here? why do you have areas in your body where you just don't wanna be touched no matter what? why did you ignore my pain (and yours as well) for MONTHS and didn't just say "omg, you have PTSD, SO quirky"? why do you don't remember half of your childhood? was that first flashback really faked? because if so, that acting was REALLY spot on.
I can tell you why you think like that. You believe that abuse is only physical or sexual, and nothing else. So what happened to you is fake. You're being gaslighted. You genuinely believe what you are told. What your parents say isn't a FACT. Sorry to break it to you, but you won't be heard from them, no matter how hard you try. Hell, mom tried to lie IN YOUR FACE, and what did you do? you believed her. Because her word is definitely more true than your memories. Nah, you just made shit up! Well if you did, congratulations, I haven't seen someone so dedicated at it.
....
Am I slipping into my usual self, I think I do. Damn! I really missed my morning self already. So much better...
Whatever, I actually nailed to calm her a bit. Let her hear some nice songs to cheer her up, told her to just download some games to get distracted and actually worked. Who knew that being a bunny and owning a island resort would do the trick?
At one point, we were both wondering if we should tell (our?) parents. And maybe if we should hide sharp objects. That would be a good idea. That could be done. If my name was Kuro, I was wearing black, and I had that one smile on my face. But I'm not Kuro. My name is Professor, I look like a nerd, and I am a cluster of despair and hopelessness. So nothing of these will happen. ESPECIALLY after what happened a while ago, we DEFINITELY don't tell parents now!
Also just to let people know, I let Miss Wannabe see the messages, and she is really grateful actually. She said she personally wanted to make breakfast for everyone, but because she can't, she just wants to make site buttons. She personally wanted to thank behavior though, but... It has to wait a week. ALSO THE FIVE MINUTE RULE IS STILL THERE, DON'T GET ALL TOO EXCITED. She nailed to convince me to make it two times a day because "the first page and the profile take way less than 5 minutes, so I have some time left " So I made it two times, morning and night, BUT she still is only allowed to see these two! (Suffer!!!!) Oh yeah, also Kuro is really thankful for the kind words. He really appreciates it.
Basically, that's what I wanted to do today. Open Neocities, write my progress, say thank you to everyone, answer to preresent (btw that among us joke was funny, I genuinely laugh at it) all that jazz!!! BUT NOOOOOOO!!!! God forbid actually anything good happens. OH NOOOOO!!!!!!
So we were just LITERALLY vibing, having a good time when (our?) dad walked in. And- And- He just HAD to remind us that we failed the Panhellenics and that we... Didn't study enough! I- I don't know how to put it in a way you understand, but since September she wanted to just fucking die! She wanted to faint and be in a coma for the whole year. She wanted to give up and drop out of school. I genuinely don't know what MAGIC FORCE made her stay. Until January, we were all just trying to survive. Things were BAD! That's where the guilty part comes in. Most of this came from me! I genuinely tried to end it at one point because I couldn't take it anymore. Since March 2021, I was in genuine suffering and my problems were constantly ignored. So I just snapped. 2022 comes in! January? Miss Wannabe has episodes and can't sleep. February? Just trying to get through it. March? Had to deal with a PTSD diagnosis. April? Kuro snaps and he snaps BADLY! May? Well May and onwards, she was constantly dissociating. She couldn't fulfill basic needs, how was she supposed to study? So no, I fucking hate it that we're just being lazy to others, we were just trying to exist.
GODDAMN! Do people talk that much? He was just talking and talking and talking and talking. At one point EVEN I considered jumping off the building while headbanging, slitting my wrists and drinking bleach because I just wanted some silence. Jesus fucking Christ!!!!! Also thank you, now this update is getting delayed!!!! How fucking great!!!! We went from 1PM to 4PM! Jesus Christ!!!! Also, GUESS WHO ISN'T EATING LUNCH! Exactly. All this process, thrown out of the fucking window. In the beginning fucking AGAIN!!! And I had her in such a nice condition too, she was more willing to listen to me and works things out and in general she was more open to me talking to her. Well, very fucking thanks.
The reason why I'm not physically screaming right now, is because it's still the first day. I like to believe that I can work it out. There's still time. There's still hope. I can fix this. At least it's the first day.
- Professor

1/7/2022

Uuuuuhhh... I feel like an idiot right now, what do we say when it's the first day of a new month? Happy July? Merry July? Happy month? Help! (Gotta love how I know everything for all the celebrations, except the most basic of them all.)
Anyway, even though not much progress was made since yesterday, I wanna believe that something happened at least. Well yesterday was pretty much Miss Wannabe feeling like a failure, nothing much. She ate pizza for dinner though, so that's something. I really wonder how she nails to be on battery saving mode for so long. I really do.
In the morning, she woke up really early. She said that she saw a dream but; she could go back to sleep it was almost 6 in the morning. In general she doesn't sleep as much as she used to, because it is now summer so the sun rises at 6AM and she sleeps with her room open, so she's pretty much forced to wake up with the sun right in her eyes.
(Ooh, line 69, nice!!!) She woke up, but because I, nor Kuro, wanted to get out of bed she got bored and... I think that I witnessed something really heinous that probably scarred me for life. I don't know if I can say more about it though, not because I don't want to (I actually want to, I actually wanna vent about it because I feel like I witnessed something I shouldn't), but because I don't want to ruin Miss Wannabe's image on here and having people think that she's a freak. This is pretty much her safe space, so I do not wanna ruin it. For real though, I am a guy that spends time looking at guro and anime gore and I barely flinch. (Gonna blame sushi day for it) But this... This has made quite an impact on me.
After that I decided to check on Kuro. Well she had a dream about him, so I just wanted to see what's up. Luckily turns out that I don't have to do much, just let him rest a bit and recharge. Which is pretty good to hear!
(Love how it was now (our?) mom's turn to delay this entry! God forbid I actually have time to talk!)
Then, the three of us decided to just chat, and we ended up talking about Kuro. Miss Wannabe called him the "mom friend", even though he's a guy. I actually agree, he really is the embodiment of the mom friend. Miss Wannabe called him a My Melody kinnie, which is pretty accurate, not gonna lie! But then for some reason we started talking about sexualities. Miss Wannabe asked "if you guys are parts of me, does that mean that Kuro is my repressed gayness or something?" We reached the conclusion that it probably isn't the case, but it comes from the fact that she personally likes guys herself. That made her wonder why the hell am I bi then and to that I respond with: I don't know! I'm just a little fuckboy I guess! I do what I want!
Anyway, I nailed to make her eat breakfast and because of what happened in the morning, I thought that she had a lot of internalised anger, so I helped her with releasing it: we both immersed ourselves in a daydream where we beat the living shit out of the Nightmare guy! I mean she went a little mental, but she seemed fine after that.
Speaking of mental, I just remembered Kuro's breakdown. Must say that the scariest thing is not by a scary looking edgelord, but by a kind person that does an 180 and has a full blown manic moment. Definitely gonna blame (our?) mom for it, trust me, if dad seems bad to you, (our?) mom is bad x100!! One of the things she has, is that obsession with religion. As soon as I read the word "religion" in preresent's diary, I immediately thought of that. Sure, she isn't the straight up insane category, but that doesn't make it any better. I genuinely believe that because she's "god god god" all the time, Kuro eventually just snapped and had the most delusional moment I have ever seen!
But how come you've never heard of it? How come Miss Wannabe never said anything? Well to her, that's something unimportant. She doesn't find it necessary to think about it. She can just deny that anything bad has ever happened and that we are all wrong. She believes that sitting and talking about it is "annoying and attention whoring". So if I wouldn't say anything, you would barely notice.
But whatever, noon came, so I told her to go make lunch. Apparently (our?) dad has magic abilities when he chops onions, because when he does it it's like nothing happened while when she does it, she cries a whole waterfall. Also apparently you shouldn't wipe your tears with your bare hands after you chopped an onion. And APPARENTLY, SOMEONE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED, was aware of more parts and DIDN'T BOTHER TELLING ME! HMMM, I WONDER WHO THAT INDIVIDUAL IS! I WONDER!
Anyway, we are now here again, and I'm delaying the thing AGAIN because I'm an idiot and I can't organise my time.
- Professor

2/7/2022

I think that I should put another TW? I guess? Look I don't think that I will be able to keep up with the whole thing, so I guess I should put a general one. But not now because now I'm too lazy to do anything.
I must say, I think that quite the progress was made today. Miss Wannabe seems more stable and ready, Kuro has been feeling better and overall I feel like I achieved some things. (I would appreciate it if they weren't being kept a secret and hiding them behind my back!!!!!!! But anyway.)
So yesterday we went to some lecture (I think) about cinema and cinematography and in the beginning we were just dissociating, so we had to pretend to be paying attention and not like zoning out to the biggest extent. But later was fine though, we came more to our senses. After it was pretty much 9AM so we didn't do much. Okay, that was a big lie, something really important happened that was kept a secret WILLINGLY!!! But more on that later.
Today comes and things are; not good! Miss Wannabe has an intense urge to self harm and I'm gonna be honest, she did sound kinda tempting! I really consider just giving up and let her end it but I ended up saying no. Sure, I was the one who a few days ago was saying how about I want to get a hunting license when we move out so that way I can end it myself, but right now I feel better mentally. I guess.
At one point she went to her parents and said "btw, I refuse to go to the exams again" and they actually nailed to change her mind. Which is actually good, because... I'm gonna be honest, I don't feel like doing shit like cleaning the streets for the rest of my life. It was just a bad year and none of us were doing well mentally. It was just bad luck (ironic considering the fact that Miss Wannabe is actually a really lucky person). Besides, many people have said themselves that they didn't do it in their first try. Hell, even our literature teacher at school didn't nail it the first time. I think that gave her a bit of motivation to try again, which is really good. I don't know why when I was saying that she didn't really listen but now she did... Whatever, I'll take it.
Then the day passed and all we did was pretty much talk about how old we think Miss Wannabe is... That's because yesterday and today many people said that she looks quite young. Someone even said that she looks 14! Our parents said that we look 16 though, so I'll just say "young" in general instead of a specific age. She wants to ask you guys, but the problem is that... Now that we will study again, we'll stay in this house for one more year, so I don't think that they'll buy us that laptop for the stream because the "oh, eh... it's for university!!" excuse doesn't exist. And even if they did buy us one, like I said we are in the same house so her talking could raise questions. But she does want to do the face reveal at 100 followers though, so I guess... It could be a photo? She said she wants to reveal everything at once, but I don't know... Maybe a small video? I don't know, we'll see.
Anyway, the last thing I wanna talk about about is the one thing mentioned earlier (and yesterday). The fact that Miss Wannabe kept me secret the fact that she is aware of more parts. Why? "Because it's not that important!" WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT IMPORTANT? Bro, I swear, I'm gonna break something. ANYWAY, turns out that we need another name for Miss Wannabe because the ACTUAL Miss Wannabe is here, so everything will sound confusing. She told me that the actual Miss Wannabe is unhinged and I must say... I didn't believe that someone can be that fucked in the head, but I guess that this is what a nightmare does to a mf. Apparently she can't stand dudes taller than her, like AT ALL, so 2 meter slab of meat named Kuro needs to constantly sit on the floor if he wants to talk to her.
The actual Miss Wannabe is... Kinda uncanny to be honest. She has that weird creepy vibe and the way she talks and moves just... Makes me feel kinda unsafe. She seems so constantly on edge, ready to attack, it looks scary. The most concerning part though is when we asked her things. She seemed so out of touch with everything, it was so weird. Not in the same way as me where I just shut down completely under stress, but in a "I am so traumatised I am mentally stuck in that time". At point we even asked her what the date was and she said "10/10/2020"! Oof! Now that is kinda common in a dissociative disorder we all know... But I am not gonna make any assumptions because I'm against self diagnosis and I'd rather not go around diagnosing myself with serious and extremely stigmatised disorders. I'd rather wait my 6 years in therapy like a good person. I survived 9 months of flashbacks, I can survive this as well.
The thing is that after that Miss Wannabe (not the actual one the one I've been talking about the past few days) kinda started questioning everything and she asked what my name was. Because you see, she named me, not me saying my name. So she asked me, I said "Professor" like an idiot, but then she was like "no, what's your ACTUAL name". Well... You see, I have no name. My name is absolutely nothing. The nonexistence of a name in my name. Not "unnamed", not "nameless" but rather " ". That of course is confusing as fuck, so well both rolled with the name "Professor". So now I am Professor.
We really need to find a new name for Miss Wannabe now that the ACTUAL Miss Wannabe exists. But I can't think of anything, because everyone we come up with is always met with a "meh" by her. Oh god!
I wonder how I can keep track of things. Sure I know Simply Plural exists but... Should I? I mean, what are we exactly? A system? Not sure what exactly DEFINES one. What is a system exactly? But from the other hand there isn't exactly an "I"? Because if it did our psychiatrist wouldn't say "you have separated yourself into parts". What are we really, no clue. Also endos use it, so I may as well do whatever the fuck I want? Not because "I'm an endo" but because "I'm so anti endo that if these degenerates get the right to use it, so can I". For real though, idc if Kuro and Miss Wannabe are "neutral" because "some of them are actually confused", if you're an endo, suck my dick!
I could talk shit about them all day, but whatever, I need to see what I should do for the upcoming days and see how I should organise things.
- Professor

4/7/2022

I would write yesterday, but we went to the beach, and when we came back it was kinda late so I just thought of updating tomorrow.
So here we are today. Well, right now it's just morning so absolutely nothing happened so far, so I'll just talk about yesterday.
These past 2 months Little Miss Sunshine (thanks preresent for the name) is seeing a lot, and I mean A LOT, of angel numbers. But yesterday it was just "how many numbers can I stuff into one day". The amount of repeated numbers was UNREAL. I personally got pissed at one point because sure, 1111 is manifestation or whatever, but I would love to know what this girl is manifesting because I swear I cannot see the time the same way ever again!!! She said even she doesn't know. Great. Just great.
Another thing is that she said she wanted to have a "mental breakdown in the website" so I let her. She expected to do something worse, but she ended up just rotating everything by two degrees. Probably to show her mental state: good but at the same time kinda losing it.
After finding Miss Wannabe she also wants to start integrating RIGHT NOW. Before finding her she always said how she wants to take her time, but all of a sudden she wants to start right now. She also said that because none is willing to write anything so she said that "if they can't take it the nice way, they are gonna take it by force". Saying they because we found two new parts, Ruby and... The Thing. They both make me question everything, especially how long this thing has been going on. Because Ruby is pretty much Rinko from Jewelpet, an anime watched by Little Miss Sunshine WAAAAAAYYYY BACK and The Thing is a shadow wolf and she had a shadow wolf phase when she was 13. At least that's what she told me. So that raises quite the amount of questions!
Ruby also believes that it's 2009/2010 and that we are all her imaginary friends so that's cool! I don't know why would anyone want me as an imaginary friend, or even just want me around in general, but whatever I guess. The Thing can't talk and I doubt that it can write but whatever. The thing is I don't know how much you want to force a bunch of parts that probably don't know what's going on (ESPECIALLY Miss Wannabe, you are not messing with her under any circumstances). I personally think that we should just; wait? I mean that we are gonna be another year here, so we'll have the same therapist, so we can do something in therapy I guess? I'm just saying that forcing is a bad idea. I think that we should wait. Though I do wonder why the sudden wish to do it and where it came from.
Anyway, the good news is that today she slept MUCH better than the other days and she started to eat better in general, so that's great. She also seems much happier, which is good! She seems more relaxed now and she wants to do more stuff she likes. But there's also this shoulder/back pain and IT'S KILLING ME! But whatever.
That was pretty much it, I don't think that I have anything else to say.
- Professor

5/6/2022

Damn, people care about this? Whoah! Anyway, I should probably write about yesterday.
I genuinely don't remember what happened in the morning, so I'll just skip that, I guess it wasn't something important. I'm gonna start from what I remember, So noon comes, Miss Sunshine (yeah, that fits so much better, it's much shorter) cooks some food then ate it... Then I remember that it's night, I don't know, for some reason I can't remember yesterday... Why?
Well I guess nothing really happened. At night, we went over to a friend's (of (our?) mom not (ours?)) house and we pretty much were in there, drinking cola and just looking outside (I mean we were in a balcony, so what else do you do there?). The problem is that we felt more comforted by (our?) mother's friends than by her. Oof! Can't tell why but yesterday Miss Sunshine was just there and when mom came from work she just zoned the fuck out. Can't tell! At one point she had a bit of an emotional moment saying that "it's not safe here". I don't know why.
Ah! Also yesterday she was just pacing a lot around the house, probably because she hasn't find any good music, so her Maladaptive Daydreaming just said "if we can't look like we're having a seizure on the bed while listening to music, we are gonna pace around the house while looking like we have escaped from a psych ward". The thing is that I also used to do that a few days ago and we both ignored it so that's cool. Gotta love how I do something, then both of us ignore it, then turns out she does it too after a while! .... Oh. Oh wait! Oh no, oh fuck! What I'm doing right now is much more embarrassing! FFUUUUCCCCKKK!!!!! Don't look at me like that, I'm actually a walking embarrassment. Hope that Miss Sunshine won't just pick the habit too!
(I feel like I should a warning so; TW for skin picking I guess?) Speaking of habits, we had to cut our nails because skin picking from anxiety is back at it again. There's also this colored sunscreen that hides imperfections, which is really helpful considering the fact that she picks scars because let's be real, they are more visible. And the texture also makes her not want to touch her face in general, so that's good.
I think that we need yet another fidget toy. Sure, squishies are fine, but you can't really pull them. Just something that can be stretched, bended but also soft and able to be squeezed. I guess a snake squishy? I don't know. Also we need more breakcore music... Yeah.
I guess that's all I have to say. Nothing else comes in my head right now.
- Professor

6/7/2022

Yesterday! I'm not even gonna bother talking about it, nor even try to REMEMBER it! The only thing I remember is night and I swear to god I want those things I bestowed my eyes up to get picked up by the memory garbage truck and thrown away, never to be seen again! Emotional amnesia is already kicking in and I hope the other kinds follow! I don't want this deep inside my subconscious, I want it yeeted out of existence! Forever!
Though I must say it was kinda deserved! When Miss Sunshine just KEEPS and KEEPS saying that no, she doesn't have cPTSD, she is absolutely fine, she doesn't get triggered, she is making crap up for attention and flat out IGNORES all the signs, you know what? You DO kinda deserve to get triggered. If you keep challenging fate this is what you end up with. Play stupid games win stupid prizes! Though I must say, the whole was EXTREMELY distressing and it just kept going and going with no end. Even NOW, she's still kinda on edge about it! I really don't think that anyone deserves that, not even my absolute worst enemies, not even people who made me be like this. I know I just contradicted myself but I hope you kinda understand what I'm talking about. This is extremely bad and I don't wish this upon anyone, but at the same time, if you keep asking for it, you kinda deserve it.
I don't like how PTSD is only viewed as valid when it's like this. Here you go! You are now on the floor crying! You slept for only 4 hours and in order to do that you had to put music in order for you to calm down even slightly! Is this what you want? Do you feel happy now? Because I'd rather be seen as invalid than having to go through this.
The problem is I don't know what am I supposed to do now. Do I keep her for one more day, do I let her? Today was supposed to be the last day, but suddenly I don't know anymore. From one hand, my goal was just make Miss Sunshine feel less suicidal and that's pretty much done. From the other hand, I visualised her feeling alright at the end, not worse! I don't want to bring her back in a condition worse than the one I found her. It seems wrong. Guess I'll just see how today goes and figure it out.
Also quick note, if you have flashbacks and your first instinct is not to ground yourself, but to be quiet because you don't wanna be seen as annoying, something is wrong. Just a thought!
Anyway, I don't know what to do now, so I'll just end it here and see what I can do to make her feel better today.
- Professor

17/7/2022

Yesterday was the exact middle of summer! Oof! Half the summer has passed already?
Well anyway, here I am again by absolutely none's demand!!! (Or maybe preresent's demand, he seems willing to listen to what I have to say! ... Somehow!) Things... A lot of things have actually happened! So this website has 100 followers now and to that I respond with this entry, because I want you to know that this website has sick fucks like me so please... She doesn't let me write that, I'm gonna leave it here.
Anyway I should probably say the other stuff that happened. So basically Miss Sunshine's regression is a lot with the feelings of "safety/not safety" so these days she's just tripping. Her mind basically goes "Do I feel safe? If I feel unsafe, I regress. If I feel safe, I regress. If I am in the middle, I don't". And hormones these days go wild and I swear, looking at her is like looking at two people playing ping pong! Also she comes to ME of all people... Girl, I don't want me to be around me, why do YOU want me around? Literally just go to Kuro, he's more suitable for the job, just leave me the fuck alone!
Yes I sound really mean but I have my reasons. She makes me feel weak and I don't like it one bit. To her is "softening up" and "opening up" to me it's just weakness. I don't like being weak. I wanna be inside the same way I am on the outside. I literally cried a few days ago and it was really embarrassing. Sure, everyone was understanding, but to me it was embarrassing. I hate that my emotions get so conflicted all the time! I hate the fact that I try my best to be tough but my dumb brain keeps acting like a weakling. I don't wanna get affection, I don't wanna ask somebody to hug me, I don't wanna rely on anyone! So stop making me do all that, I wanna be by myself! I wanna be alone!
But enough of that, let's talk about something else. Miss Wannabe. Well I did nail to come closer to her and The Thing a bit. Then I tried to talk to Miss Wannabe about the fact that it's 2022 and boy she didn't handle it well! She started yelling at me and told me to shut the fuck up, so I don't really think that she likes me now. I was wondering why she didn't like the fact that I told her that her suffering is over, but apparently Miss Sunshine told me that she felt extremely weak. Which honestly I understand. I decided to ask her why she doesn't like men taller than her and she said that in the nightmare, she was way shorter and the nightmare guy was way taller. So basically to her, height equals power so if you're shorter than her you're fine, but if you're taller than her you have to sit down. I mean she's quite tall, even talker than me! Damn! Being Miss Wannabe seems like really torturous to me, I wouldn't wanna be her!!!
As for The Thing I guess that it apparently likes me. When one of us is feeling upset, it comes next to me. That's how Miss Sunshine found it really. One day she came to check on me because I was crying (embarrassing!) and she found it a few meters behind me. Imagine being so useless you can't even check behind your back. And imagine being so ignorant you don't even let me know there was a thing behind me. She said that it ran off when she saw it. Yeah yeah, that's believable!!! Though again , I don't why people want to be around me but I guess The Thing felt really alone and seeing me suffer as well was making it feel better. I mean I sometimes used to feel really alone even when people are around me. Even now I do. Miss Wannabe doesn't want me around, The Thing doesn't talk so I have no idea what to do with it so I am just by myself. Even around the others I feel like they don't understand my pain and that I am bothering them. I sometimes feel like an ugly monster not gonna lie. Then again, that's also why The Thing likes me. Because it was created from the fact that Miss Sunshine used to feel like an ugly monster. So now it just carries that pain.
But whatever, we are getting to depressing here. Not that what I'm gonna say is any better but whatever. So me and Miss Sunshine decided to check out random things in dreams and what they mean and apparently she remembered a dream where she was in... that one place where you go and have music lessons I can't remember the name oh god... and she was alone doing heroin and then after a while she started giggling and after that I guess she woke up because it cuts there. She also remembered a dream that she had as a child where a bear pulled it's own skeleton out... Damn, organ pulling is really a thing here huh!! I love how she kept insisting that "oh, I'm normal" and then she was just searching up dream meanings of "blood, murder, torture, rape"!!! You BETTER be ready when all that trauma resurfaces again!!! You BETTER be!!!
We also talked a bit about shadow work and the inner child and I was wondering how she hasn't looked into it, but she responded with "I did!! It's just that my brain perceives those parts as me, and the first thing that I wanna do is beat the crap out of them for some reason!!" That's... definitely not fucked up! Well I can't tell why your brain doesn't perceive us as parts of you (because that's what we are) but your shadow self and your inner child get perceived but whatever.
Speaking of fucked up she's back at THAT again. I swear, the more you keep doing it, the less my fucks are about the consequences you'll face when I'll out you! Good luck trying to pretend that you're normal on neocities.com after that!!!
...
Also we both start to sense some more parts so that's cool! Miss Sunshine has conflicted feelings about it. Can't tell if it's because of the fact that there are more parts, or the fact about what these parts are!
But anyway, that was it for now, I have nothing else to add, so just read the whole infodump again! I don't know!
- Professor
Edit: YOOOOOOOO!!!! Not mine btw!

22/7/2022

Back at it again at Crispy Cream!!! (Bruh, why am I laughing at my own joke, LMAO!!) (Speaking of jokes... I was literally thinking of just writing whatever and then post memes, but here we are!) Also, preresent, hope your stomachache is getting better. (I THOUGHT YOU DIED FOR A MOMENT, AAAHH!!! ....I think that I have attachment issues....)
But anyway today my (our?) health be so fine! Yesterday Miss Sunshine did the third dose of the vaccine and while yesterday everything was pretty much alright, today is the embodiment of the "fucking mint" meme: Not being able to sleep on the good side of the bed, fucking mint. Being hungry but your body says "bed good, bed good", fucking mint. Moving a limb so now your bones hurt, fucking mint. Miss Sunshine thinking that they should let them do it in her left arm even though it's her dominant one, fucking mint. Sleeping then waking up then sleeping then waking up again, fucking mint. Taking a pill because you have 38,2°C fever but your body rewards you with nausea, fucking mint. Seeing a screen for five minutes and having a headache, fucking mint. Needing a blanket in the middle of summer, fucking mint. Overall, fucking mint. I have to say though, at least my throat is doing okay. Because there's NOTHING more annoying that a pain in your throat! I hate it! Overall, if you want the COVID experience, I would say that the vaccine is actually pretty close.
Also Miss Sunshine just woke up from it in the middle of the night and she just came up to me and told me that she wants headpats. Tried to be a little nice to her and she seemed to like it. It's not that I don't like her, it's just that I regress too and it makes me feel extremely embarrassed. Again, like I said, I am extremely embarrassing, so I just... Try to avoid pretty much anything. A few minutes ago though she told me that she will try to approach me less, not because she doesn't like me, but because two days ago we met some relatives and let me tell you, this family doesn't take no as an answer. Since forever, she was forced to accept physical contact and because of that, even though she loves hugs and physical affection, if it's forced she fucking despises it. And because of that she doesn't wanna force this onto me. That's pretty nice. The problem is that I'm not really the one who asks for this because, well, feeling weak. I guess I should try to open up a little more...
Speaking of that, she also found a little Mario keychain and she was like "yeah, this is it" and she just snatched it. Her sister decided to take a balloon so now here we are at home with our little treasures. But still though, we wanna try that slime though because those asmr videos started popping up and she's like "I NEED THIIIISSSSS!!"
Also Miss Sunshine decided to sound assign us and when it was my turn, she said that those hell sounds from Cyberia (my timestamping abilities fucking died today so I'll just say that it starts at the 3 minute and 1 second mark) are really me... She even said that she almost hears my voice in there. Damn! I mean she's not wrong though.
Well I don't have anything else to say so I'll just... Try to fight my bone pain and nausea and go eat breakfast... Come on, there's literally a "part"-ish (we don't know yet, we must look more into it) that can manage periods, can't he handle diseases? Come on man!
- Professor
Edit: Speaking of Cyberia hell sounds, I found this! Kinda cool!
Another Edit: I also found this! Also really cool!

28/7/2022

A whole month passed since the whole mess... Damn! Well at least now our only concern is to just tan in the beach... Pretty worth it.
Anyway, Miss Sunshine said that whoever is updating first will have to say what we did. Okay I guess. Just came here yesterday, went to the beach, tried to wash the shame away took a shower, went out and uh... Probably the most fucked up memory came in the head... Miss Sunshine really did not like it. She wanted to cry because she was literally excited the whole day, but why have a nice day, am I right fellas?
One day before we leave, a new part decided to show up. Rin. Miss Sunshine said he recognised him and apparently he has been around for a while... But like a BIG while, even before Ruby. I would ask why would anyone have that much self hate from such a such young age but then again, we are talking about a girl that tried to end it at 7, so is anyone really surprised? Rin said that he knows some important stuff about the whole situation but I really don't see us going any further for now. We wanted to be ready by September but the whole process is just distressing so we decided to end it here. Miss Sunshine needs time to process this, I personally got stressed from the whole thing and I became extremely erratic at one point; I think it's only that for now, we are gonna stop here and come back to it at September and during therapy, because the whole thing brings up trauma and just distresses everyone. We literally came here to relax, go to the beach and have fun so we are gonna do what we are meant to do.
Rin seems like he has the personality *I* was supposed to have. He's just; serious. But on the outside it doesn't show at all. To me it's the opposite: I look serious, but I'm a total mess. I wish I could be more like Rin honestly. I really wanna make an entry on why my personality is embarrassing and a failure because I was SUPPOSED TO BE DIFFERENT! But I ended up like this. I don't know if it will be these days though because we are constantly outside.
On a lighter note, even though I woke up at 3:33 AM and couldn't go back to sleep for a while, I decided to listen "Too young to love" by goreshit. The whole atmosphere really made me ascend to be honest. Night, a nice song, my brain being colorful... It's one of those moments that you dissociate and they get engraved on your memories forever. Also much better than Sewerslvt, I can't tell why Miss Sunshine likes Sewerslvt, goreshit is better in any way shape or form than her. I would debate more, but I really need to take a shower again and I'm pretty sure the rest are coming so I don't want them to just find me being in a blog everyone has kept secret since its creation. So yeah, bye for now.
- Professor

7/8/2022

Okay, I have to be quick because in half an hour we'll have to go down and eat dinner! Anyway, here we go!
First of all, Ruby. I decided to tell her the other day that we are not her imaginary friends. Miss Wannabe started to come in terms with it, she started to handle it better so I decided to do the same thing with her. I walked up to her and she was having a tea party and asked me if I wanna join... I joined! I didn't tell her! I'm no monster! I don't destroy innocent children like that! She can't handle it! She's not ready! She doesn't have to know! For now, I'll just let her be. She seems like she's having more fun this way!
And second, Miss Wannabe. Well these days she's going rampant. Me and Miss Sunshine should have looked into it. But we didn't really do that. We just didn't. And of course that bit us in the ass. These days she's just constantly screaming in pain and has become extremely erratic. She has become physically and verbally aggressive and in general she's extremely on edge. In the beginning we thought that she's just like this in general, but as it turns out, she's just having more severe cases of various mental illnesses. The body is currently a few days before period, and we found out that around that time, the thoughts of the nightmare become worse due to PMS (or possible PMDD as Miss Sunshine suspects) or due to... I guess period ending up being a trigger because the nightmare was constantly happening while on period... I guess it's both!!!
I was wrong. She's not "fucked in the head". She's extremely mentally ill. Imagine feeling the nightmare coming up and you exist because of it. Not only that but you're the last person that can handle PMS (or maybe PMDD as Miss Sunshine claims). And maybe you also have a bad case of PME, because PTSD always becomes worse around that time. But you can't escape. You are STUCK in that time. You mind is in that phase. There is no escape. No matter where you go, it's not safe. So you just end up losing it. You end up aggressive. You end up feeling on edge. You end up screaming on top of your lungs. You end up self harming because you're just stuck like this.
People here REALLY need to realise how Miss Wannabe is actually like. Ignore Miss Sunshine! Ignore the url! This is not Miss Wannabe! Who I'm describing right now is! Miss Sunshine wants to make a page trying to describe her through making you going through a certain process, and I encourage her to do it. Miss Wannabe is different. Completely different! She's not Miss Sunshine!
I was wondering if I should let her write something when she's feeling even slightly stable, because people REALLY need to know what we mean by "Miss Wannabe". Anyway, my 30 mins are almost over, I need to go down. Idk if Miss Sunshine will update tomorrow with that Miss Wannabe thing because we'll have a REALLY long trip and our sister has also her birthday, also tomorrow. Anyway 30 minutes, time's up.
- Professor

19/8/2022

Haven't updated in a while, my social anxiety kicked in again!! But yeah now I'm better, I can write. .... I'm not better.... I'm not better....
Yesterday Miss Sunshine went back to therapy, and it was good. Everything okay, everything alright... Until the end comes and she says something and the therapist says that we should definitely talk about it next session and then mentioned something about OCD...
Yo, yo don't mess with me like that, yo! Don't! Please! Okay? She already describes us as "showing symptoms of OCD" and I just don't want to get diagnosed. I swear if I do, I'll have 10 relapses, 12 panic attacks and me screaming on top of my lungs for 2 hours! I swear I just nailed to fight the urge to barcode, this will be the end of me! It's not that I'm anti diagnosis or have any prejudice towards people with OCD, I just... No I'm sorry, I don't wanna talk about it. I can't. I can't. You will all hate me.
It's all my fault, isn't it?
Also in a few weeks autumn will start. I really just want to NOT be here throughout autumn... I don't wanna die, I just wanna sleep it away or something. Just like a bear, just sleep for 3 months and then wake up while it's winter. I hate autumn and everything about it. I don't wanna experience it again.
But whatever, something else, something else. I thought that the whole ".txt file" appearance might not be that awesome because even if delete the update thing because I don't want people to see it, they will next update so it's pointless. So maybe I could just change the overall style. Like Miss Sunshine says "I swear, I'm about to be so emo!!" I was thinking of red/black because it's edgy but eh, I don't know yet. For real, I think some people (and parts) are misguided because my name's Professor and I wear glasses and shit and they think that I have my life together or something! I don't!!! I look like I'm high on drugs while staring at the distance while not sleeping for 3 days! My personality does not match my appearance.
But yeah, that's pretty much about it, I have nothing to add!
- Professor

28/8/2022

Miss Sunshine, did you really call my diary "Ew"? Lol! Kinda makes me rename it from "a" to"ew"!
Anyway.
Last year on this day I had a bad mental breakdown. It went away, but what came next was absolutely one of the worst periods of my life. I hated (and still hate) this time period with every fiber of my being.
But I'm normal now. Just kidding, I'm not! Today I feel... Good! Not terrible, so that's a good thing. I had one of those moments when my mind thinks I'm 21 but it now went away. So far it seems manageable. Saying this because last year, it escalated so much, during October I genuinely thought that I was a machine. That I was some kind of android. If you asked me, that's what I would say to you, that I'm not a human. Just a robot who carries out instructions. See, that's why I hate autumn so much! Because this happens again , I get those identity changes specifically in autumn! Wouldn't doubt that some kind of abuse happened during this time period and I don't mean the nightmare, or whatever Miss Sunshine and Miss Wannabe wanna call it.
But now, even though my age changed again, I could still manage it with a few deep breaths. I was completely functional in other aspects of my identity though, so maybe it wasn't that big of a deal. But again, I wasn't like this during October for no reason. It built up from moments like this. Guess I'll keep my eyes peeled and see if this continues and maybe discuss it in therapy.
Speaking of therapy I wonder what Miss Sunshine is planning. She said she wants to focus a bit on me and the others and she wants me to say everything that comes in mind to her. We'll see how that goes. Also, speaking (again) of communication, me and Miss Sunshine thought of making cards with the alphabet, so that we can finally have a conversation with The Thing. It can't talk, it can't type, but it can grab! So maybe this can be useful. Thought of this during that time I had my mouth shut and my hands were tied (actually it was that thing people in asylums wear when you see them in the movies but whatever) and because I couldn't speak, type, communicate through sign language, and nobody knows Morse code, so I couldn't blink in Morse code either, we could only have a talk if Miss Sunshine had the alphabet in a board and pointed at letters while I was nodding yes or no. Intrusive thoughts sure were bad that day.
Anyway anyway, something else something else. Well, I was thinking of making the file have a black/grey colour palette because of preresent (I miss you so much my guy :( ), but because I/we have astigmatism, the halation effect was so wild that glasses cannot fix it (not joking, at one point Miss Sunshine thought of using screen readers because she couldn't see and she didn't know what the problem was) I guess I'll stay with white/black, because that's the only way my eyeballs can read comfortably. (Speaking of that I need to clean my/our glasses)
Also Miss Sunshine said she's making a grounding box and then she told me the design... Can't wait to get some mints to ground myself out of the My Melody/Jewelpet/Sanrio box. Damn!
Anyway, nothing else to add, gonna go clean those glasses. And tell Miss Sunshine to change the design, no seriously, what the fu-!!!
- Professor
PS: Update, when I tried to "take off the dust", I realised that this is not dust, it's tiny scratches! Miss Sunshine didn't anyone tell you that leaving your glasses like this scratches them? Goddamit!!!

9/9/2022

Hid my previous two entries because they were unreasonably aggressive. I apologised to Miss Sunshine for my behaviour and told her that I would delete them, but she wants to have them just in case. Again, Miss Sunshine, my apologies, that was unreasonably aggressive of me!!!
Anyway, I woke up and remembered that tomorrow is 10/9. Can't believe that it's been almost a year since then! I could almost feel myself being in the bathroom again, waiting for my fate. Didn't feel sad, didn't feel anything. In fact, I was happy. Because "the evil has been defeated". I really felt like I was doing the world a favour. And then Kuro and Miss Sunshine came in, with Kuro just grabbing me, screaming at me and crying. He gave me a hug but I wasn't feeling anything. In fact, I was kinda pissed that they broke the peace.
Miss Sunshine said she felt the same back in the day, she came home, her mom was pretty much like Kuro, but she didn't feel anything. "I just wanted to go to my room and lay down" she said. I wonder if there's a connection of taking fate in your hands and feeling apathetic...
Speaking of Kuro, it's been almost a month and I haven't seen him anywhere. I don't know where he's been but I hope he comes back. Cringey as fuck, I know.
What I would say to myself from one year ago? I honestly have no idea. I am feeling better and all, but there's still a long way to go. I didn't really seem to wanna listen to anything at that moment, so I really can't tell. I don't know. I have no idea.
I listened to That One Album™ by goreshit and it brought back memories... Thank god I deleted that app, I really don't think that I could handle what I wrote there.
BUT ANYWAY!!
Sorry had to catch your interest there just in case you're one of those people who scroll through entries and judge if it's worthy of reading or not. And I feel like I have something that you might useful to say so I didn't want you to miss that.
Miss Sunshine decided to make a physical journal as well, so that it would be easier for both Miss Sunshine to read it in therapy (HA! Told you you wouldn't read anything!) and and for other parts that feel socially anxious to write. (Said the most socially anxious part as he typed this into the Neocities editor)
And while we were thinking about what to put in there, Miss Sunshine came up with the emotion wheels. Literally every single one of us cannot identify their feelings, so a wheel that pinpoints down to a specific emotion is really helpful. It really gives you the "oh, so THAT'S how I feel" moment.
But the problem is... Identifying the emotion isn't that hard. Expressing it is!!! That's because to you, saying you're sad just means that you're sad, to me/us is like saying "I admit weakness and I'm waiting to be ridiculed". Nobody that knows how we're feeling has used it in a nice way, so pretty much lowering our guard is harder than finding motivation to do anything.
Anyway, she came up with this cool idea of taking the name of the emotion and making it gibberish. So let's say you're sad. You take the word "sadness" and keep the first and last one/two letters. And because many emotions end in "-ed" (excited, saddened, frightened), you put an "-ed" in the end. So "sadness" becomes "sassed". If this isn't the funniest shit ever, I don't know what is.
This is so great because, to her at least, this isn't registered as a word in her brain so she can use it. She said she can say she has PTSD because PTSD is just a bunch of letters together. "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" though? Heck no, "that's a really heavy word, it's too heavy for me having it". Same with the emotions. "Sad" is a word that admits defeat, "sassed" though is funny as fuck and can be used freely.
So yeah, I really wanted to share this just in case some of you experience something like this and you seriously need to do something because "Oh MaH gOd" you can't make progress in therapy. Miss Sunshine said that she wants to make her own wheels as well, so I'm probably gonna link them in case anyone needs them. She said she's doing it because "they might not have ALL the emotions in them"... I get big energy of "I'm gonna get bored in 5 minutes" here...
Anyway, she also said that we should start having that "Feeling: {x}" in the entries so uuhh... I'm feeling relaxed, the sun is still shining outside, I have nothing else to add!
- Professor

17/9/2022

Feeling: Anxious, a little melancholic
Damn, I opened the file to write, an EXTREME thunderstorm started happening IMMEDIATELY!!! Seriously, it's like someone opened the shower thingy!!!! Maybe the weather doesn't want me to write this. Well it's almost over now so uuuuuhhh...
But anyway. A few days ago, I made a deal with Miss Sunshine. She was complaining about things taking the same route as last year. One of those things was my mental health. And last year, that fucked everyone up so she doesn't want this to happen again. She told me to finally speak about what's bothering me, but I took great lengths to avoid it and I didn't want to say anything. As a result, we made a deal that if she actually follows the therapist's advice and tries to make some new friends and socialise, I will say everything that I've been bottling inside. Neither of us thought that she would actually nail to do it. I genuinely thought that things would go my way, with her not doing anything and me keeping my mouth shut. Besides, she didn't seem like she had any will to do her part at all. I genuinely thought that... Until today. Well, you see me writing here, so you can pretty much figure out what happened.
I'm not writing this because I trust you. No! In fact, I don't trust you at all!!! I'm writing this because I made a deal with Miss Sunshine and she did her part. I was planning on asking in what timezone you all live in so that I could avoid you looking at this, but thanks to a terrible headache, I didn't ask. I'm ALSO writing this as a guide of what NOT to do if you get in this situation. I'm also writing this in a state of derealization so expect me to crack jokes at things I shouldn't and over all, behave really abnormally throughout this entry. I would drink and get high if I could but I'm afraid of developing an addiction. Don't start addictions kids, it's bad for your health!!! Like I said, I don't trust you but I need to write this. So with slight derealization, I don't perceive you as real, therefore you cannot judge me for my intrusive thoughts, therefore I can speak freely, because this entry will be read by... Nobody! Because none exists! I'm also slightly depersonalised because I REALLY don't wanna feel what I was feeling last year. So intense! Never again! I really don't recommend you trying this unless you know what you're getting into, because in one of Miss Sunshine's dissociative episodes that were like this, she became so giggly and kept believing she was playing a game, she almost doxxed herself! So yeah, really do not recommend you trying this unless you know what you're doing. Lastly, please click away if you do not wanna read about pOCD, bad compulsions, self harm and overall a bad terrible mental state.
I'm gonna have my worst crying session after reading this...
So why is The Big Bad Professor™ so defensive and actively tries to avoid getting diagnosed with OCD by telling to Miss Sunshine to lie and hide information? Why is Miss Sunshine so vocal about people with pOCD stating that "she'll defend them until the end of time"? Well... Let's find out!!
OCD, also known as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, is a disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that cause significant distress to an individual. So much so, that said individual starts engaging in ritual like activities to neutralise and avoid these thoughts, also known as compulsions. These compulsions are AT LEAST one hour in duration. But you probably know this. What you may not know, is that depending on what your intrusive thoughts and compulsions are, you are in a different subtype. If your intrusive thoughts are about harming someone, you have harm OCD, or hOCD. If they are about if you love your partner enough and if you cheated and you forgot about it, you have relationship OCD, or rOCD. If they are about secretly being gay or another sexuality, it's sexual orientation OCD, or SO-OCD.
But then, what IS pOCD? Heh... Hehe... Heh... Heh... I'm laughing because I'm legit COPING right now, I'm just gonna throw the word pedo with you figuring out the rest, I LITERALLY CANNOT go into this, my vocabulary has become so limited, if I say something wrong my brain will come and beat me with a stick and trust me, I'm in a room with a pair of scissors, a blade and a knife right now, it's not the best time to go ballistic on myself!
So Professor has the Big Bad Intrusive Thoughts! Oh no, what is he gonna do now? Will he ask for help? Help? Help? No! Because he doesn't DESERVE help! He's evil and he doesn't deserve to live! He should DIE!!!! He needs to get beaten up, skinned and boiled alive and then get shot in the head!!! He needs to DIE!!! Because HE. IS. EVIL!!!!! Soooo... No help! Okay! Keeping our mouths shut huh? Okay then. Just don't talk. I mean, Miss Sunshine DOES have intrusive thoughts as well! Not the same kind as yours, but she has many types. She may spend at least 3-6 hours a day listening to music but she seems overall fine. She doesn't get any help and she seems functional. It's not like both of you have OCD or something, right? All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and you'll be fine. Besides what's the worst that can happen?
The intrusive thoughts didn't stop. They became terrible. Yeah sure you woke up feeling fine today, but midway through this mess started for no reason. And now it became worse. What do you do, what's the solution to this? Miss Sunshine said that if something bothers you, you should just ignore it. That works most of the time. Yeah, ignore it! If I ignore it and if it comes back and I push it away, it'll stop coming right? (Have you ever wondered why me and Miss Sunshine like genres like breakcore and speedcore so much?)

Suppression of intrusive thoughts is a compulsion!

Okay, that didn't work. Now what? Miss Sunshine said that when you have a bad day and you change it in your head makes you feel better. Maybe it works on intrusive thoughts as well?

Attempting to neutralise intrusive thoughts is a compulsion!

Okay the stress is really coming in at this point and it becomes unbearable, now what? You see, OCD is not the only disorder I have. Like Miss Sunshine I also have anxiety. So with that on top things became really hard to deal with. That's when my brain decided to step in and that's when I had my first identity alteration. Not as extreme as Miss Sunshine's but it was there. Feeling stressed? Oh this calls for a more mature mindset, BOOM, you're 21 now. Still feeling stressed? BOOM, let me turn off your sex drive. Trust me the amount of times I asked myself if I'm secretly asexual and if I'm just biromantic is TREMENDOUS. Even to this day, if there's one thing that Miss Sunshine will tell you about me is that you shouldn't ask me about my age. The question alone was so stressful, my age would skyrocket to 21. (For those wondering I'm actually the same with Miss Sunshine, please let's end it here) There's also a thing called groinal response, which is something that happens when your mind finds the intrusive thoughts SO DISGUSTING, it gives you sensations in the genitals or a boner or whatever and THANK GOD I DID NOT HAVE IT, I would have killed myself right there on the spot!!!!
So these alterations because so frequent it became the norm. After a while this was considered "normal" by everyone. But I was still stressed. I couldn't understand why but I was still extremely distressed. Miss Sunshine and Kuro did not like it. They tried to cheer me up by saying "It's okay, you're not evil, it's all just your mind messing with you, you're a good person". After a while I started saying the same things to myself to make me feel better.

...

Heh... Hehe...

Seeking reassurance from others or from oneself is a compulsion!

Interesting fact Miss Sunshine is not so "kind" to me anymore. When I told her a few days ago about how I suck and I don't deserve to have rights she responded with "Uh, no!! You actually deserve them!!" I asked her why, what did I do she said "nothing". When I told her that I was confused she said "Human rights are something that are for EVERYONE, you shouldn't have to do something great just to earn the bare minimum!!" Aww thanks Miss Sunshine! :,) She didn't feed the compulsion and these days, I'm starting to self reassure less. I KNOW that my brain WANTS ME to reassure again BUT GUESS WHAT BRAIN! I WON'T! FUCK YOU!

Anyway, back to the main topic now. Many people with pOCD are actually victims of CSA themselves! ... I'm not saying I've been CSAed... But I AM saying that my PTSD started REALLY showing up through flashbacks when I became super stressed though! What was in them? WHO KNOWS! I forgot what was in them the moment they ended! But even that, it eventually became "normal"! You know what, how about a list of everything that was considered "normal" but was in fact not normal at all?

• Identity changes
• Me screaming on top of my lungs
• Alexithymia
• Panic attacks
• Flashbacks
• Self Harm
• Shutting down entirely and losing contact with the outside world
• Going Unconscious
• And definitely more than I don't bother remembering right now, I just wanna be done with this emtry, I wanna stop thinking about it

15/12/2022

Feeling: A little sad, but also really calm and hopeful
*reads Miss Sunshine's diary* Oh, so Miss Sunshine is getting diagnosed with DID now? Cool, it's about time, I was getting tired of hearing Kuro trying to tell her that what she's experiencing is in fact a problem.
I'm trying to find a way to make this entry look normal but I can't... Oh you see me coming out of a 3 month slumber? That's wild, now let's pretend that it's normal. I must say, dormancy is a wild thing for sure. The last thing I remember was Hallu looking at me like he stepped on shit and then boom!!! I fell asleep and I wake up I'm suddenly in a car, it's raining and 3 whole months have passed!!! It's absolutely mind boggling! It really feels like I've been sleeping honestly, you are there and then you black out and when you come back you feel kinda refreshed, but also confused.
I think Hallu calmed down a bit? Last time he was extremely angry at everything and everyone, but now he seems more calm. He was more friendly and he did come to me and said "sorry man, I was really on edge back then, forgive me" so that's good. Overall, his behaviour was really all over the place, but now he seems more... consistent you could say. I'm glad for that!
But Kuro was also in The Deep Sleep™ and he also "woke up". I should be happy that I see him... But... I can't believe I'm saying this, but I kinda wish that he didn't. I absolutely missed him, everyone did... But that's not the Kuro I'm used to. The Kuro I know was happy, caring, cheerful, there to help others, overall a positive person. The Kuro I saw yesterday was pessimistic, depressed, suicidal even! What happened? Did something happen? Because that's not his usual self. He seemed so distant... I can't tell what's going on in his mind...
Does he still love me?
It makes me feel down honestly. It's so different from the person I've known... But. What can I do about it? Well, Miss Sunshine is already going to the psychiatrist, so maybe I could tell her something about this! You know what, I shouldn't let this depress me! Besides, I'm already depressed, lmao!!! I had (and still have) my own issues back in 2021 and Kuro helped me a lot, helping back is the least I can do! He literally dragged me and Miss Sunshine out of hell and he was the one that put us in therapy. He pretty much brought us where we are today by himself. I always wanted to do something as a "thank you", so helping him seems the best. That makes me feel better actually. If I can be helped so can he. I shouldn't let myself feel down, there is hope for him!
I'm currently listening to "Me gustas tu" by Manu Chao, you should really give it a listen! Especially if you're like me, laying in bed while it's *cinco de la mañana*. It really heals your soul. I can't tell why but it reminds me of those times when you have to wake up early to go to the airport and travel. Maybe I heard it in the radio once when in the car and it stayed. I'm not sure. I just really like listening to it when it's early in the morning, the sun isn't out yet and you're enjoying life. Just a simple way to be.
Anyway, I'm gonna go now, I have nothing else to add. I can't tell how things have been lately because... I haven't been here lately, but because I can now write this, I feel that I can confidently say that things must be going pretty well. That makes me happy. Anyway, that's all, gotta go and actually try to sleep.
- Professor

27/12/2022

Feeling: A little anxious but overall pretty alright
It's currently 4AM and the hours of sleep I've taken so far is NONE!!! ZERO!!! Lmao! You know Miss Sunshine, I'm kinda glad you got prescribed antipsychotics, not because I want to be seen as the crazy weirdo that can only be SCP contained through antipsychotics (that's Hallu lol) but because last time you were sleep deprived you said you got manic as hell. I wasn't there, and I'm kinda glad actually, I'm not really sure I wanted to witness that. That description you gave me wasn't exactly... Pleasant!!!
Speaking of Miss Sunshine, she walked up to me the other day and asked me if I'm okay with her telling the psychiatrist about my intrusive thoughts... In the beginning I asked how the hell did we end up in that situation and why is that important. She explained to me that we switched from therapy to psychiatry, having to go to a different town all that! I've heard quite a lot of positive comments on her, so I guess I can trust her. The thing is I'm still anxious about this because if you remember, I wrote that entry while dissociated. I don't clearly have that level of trust with people.
What frightens me the most actually, is the fact that my brain believes that if I tell anyone they're gonna label me as a pedo, which is simply UNTRUE the only thing I would ever fuck is my pathetic life! JUST KIDDING, the only thing I'd fuck is Kuro's giant ass, like seriously have you seen that shit?! I just have pOCD that's all. I don't want to deal with it... But I have to! There is no other choice! If I don't then who knows, maybe I'll start self harming as a compulsion again! And I don't want that! So I must let her talk this time... I told her to just tell the psychiatrist to keep asking yes/no questions until she gets it. It's a little time consuming, but that's how I'm gonna open up.
Heh... Last year I was trying DESPERATELY to find the cause of this. What caused this, what is the meaning behind this etc. I was talking to Hallu the other day and he told me about how he knows about my intrusive thoughts. And then he said something along the lines of "sorry man, those thoughts were supposed to be mine"!!! That sounded sus as hell so I asked him to explain. Well... Remember how I said that some people with pOCD develop it due to CSA? Well Hallu is actually holding memories of CSA how nice!
I must say, while we were talking Hallu acted so... Familiar with me. Like we knew eachother or something. That was a little weird so I asked him "Have we met before?" He smiled and said that yes, we absolutely did and it turns out... Hallu is (or rather WAS) The Thing!!! You know, I understand when Miss Sunshine has the feeling of "hold up that was YOU back then?" but I never expected to experience the same!!! It just blew my mind!!! Hallu sure knows everyone here huh...
But anyway! Now something else. Back in September, a little before everything went to hell, I played a little of dress up with Miss Sunshine and Miss Wannabe for the lolz. Cringey I know. I wore a tuxedo and it was fun honestly. I liked it so much in fact, I decided a few days ago to keep being dressed like this. Your man is wearing a tuxedo now, yaaasss!!! Now I look like a therapist and not like I'm high on drugs. Why is my name Professor while I look like a therapist, who knows? Btw just kidding, I still look high on drugs just to a lesser degree now. I'm still debating on whether or not I should keep my glasses but for now I think that I'm gonna keep them. They're like my signature so I can't really get rid of them.
Anyway, so far that's what I've got to say Merry Christmas to you all and a happy new year!!!
- Professor

10/1/2023

Feeling: ???
Yo, first entry of 2023, let's go! I was arguing with Hallu about who is gonna write today and I won, ha! So now this place is mine!
This body is in urgent need of sleep, oh my god! In the beginning it was fine because the adrenaline kept things going on but after a while it started fading away and now the dark circles are very visible and dissociation is really bad. Hallu started having one of his explosive rage fits and Miss Sunshine started hallucinating and being paranoid, I think that we need urgent sleep right now, lol! Normally she would become manic but thanks to aripripazole, she is just existing. You know, kinda sad that from one point she takes meds to sleep, but on the other she needs to wake up at night. It really makes everything worse.
But anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk about today, you already know that Miss Sunshine's physical health is bad. I mostly wanted to talk about Kuro. Everyone wants me and the other to shut the fuck up and they believe that through the antipsychotics we're gonna disappear, but they don't know that Miss Wannabe and Kuro have started talking more, lol! Only Hallu and Miss Sunshine are calming down because of them, everyone else is pretty much the same. Ngl, I think that we needed Hallu to stfu a little, this guy can really be like explosive diarrhea. Just a pain in the ass (accidental pun lol). He's much better now though.
Anyway, back to Kuro. He seemed to be a little better overall. He was still a little suicidal, but not to THAT extent. He kept constantly asking "why didn't you let me die?" and I was just... "???" He explained to me that despite being a nice and cheerful person back in the day, he was still carrying his own trauma. Around April that trauma came to the surface and he was constantly triggered. So he went dormant. And apparently he should have STAYED THAT WAY until apparently we move out or just be in a safer space. Not that we're unsafe right now, it's just that he carries spiritual trauma and living in a Christian family isn't exactly ideal, you feel me?
But he didn't. Miss Sunshine kept demanding Kuro back, despite the consequences. When she found out that Hallu can control all this, she wouldn't leave him alone. So now he's here... With the cost of emotional numbing in order to prevent further triggering. So now he's just... Dead inside! Not doing a thing. It's kinda sad actually, he didn't deserve this. Wish I could make him feel better... Well he said that he wants to change his appearance a little bit so uuuuuhhh... Wanna play some dress up? It does wonders to a person!
Everyone is changing for some reason, Hallu tried to change his form again a few days ago because he was "found out" or something, but he didn't see the point in it anymore so he just stayed as he is.
Overall Kuro has been more active, he started taking care of the others again and started helping with daily tasks so I think that he is getting better! In the beginning he had no motivation at all, but now he helps a little here and there... That's good!
Also speaking of improvement... Hallu wants to talk to the psychiatrist himself, what? I'm really surprised. I really wonder what he wants to say to her...
In general, things have been a little meh, but also going great. Everyone is much more cooperative now and overall trying their best. Healing will take much longer than everyone likes to admit but we have the will and that's what matters. I believe in us. We can do it. We can get through this. We just need to be patient and everything is going to be okay.
- Professor

4/2/2023

Feeling: Exhausted
I feel like I have to apologize for the constant instability you see, please forgive us. These days things are not going well, because... Should I call him an abuser like Hallu, or just grandpa like Miss Sunshine? Well I don't feel connection to neither of those terms so I'm just gonna say a family member... Well a family member keeps coming over and that makes everyone be like bread dough. We are constantly bombarded by trauma reminders and Miss Sunshine keep snitching to the parents, something that Hallu apparently doesn't like at all because it makes dissociation oh so bad. We are dissociating and shutting down a lot, which is very stressful. If it's not that, it's someone having a mental breakdown. Mostly Hallu. Also found out that Hallu holds most of the BPD and psychosis symptoms, while I hold the OCD tendencies.... Not pleasant!
Miss Sunshine took the L though and said she's gonna talk about it as soon as possible. Apparently those 9 months of me suffering DID have an effect on her. I thought she's gonna deny it again.
Hallu is going absolutely wild these days. He either has outbursts and breakdowns, BPD splits or just locks himself inside his heaspace. He did it twice so far and there's nothing we can do about it. But that's the way he calms down though and you know what, I prefer this over him saying that he'll make himself and Miss Sunshine go dormant. I'll let him take his time.
Meanwhile Hallu T. has been fronting a lot more, both in the headspace and IRL so we got to know him a little bit. He's just like Hallu, except he's a hormone raging teenager. Had some problems with him in the beginning due to his behaviour but he eventually calmed down. Like Miss Sunshine said "Trust me, once you get past the horny, he's an absolute sweetheart", which I agree. He seems like a really good guy! Kinda sad that he needs to front in order to manage the whole thing but what can you do about it.
On 25/1 it was my birthday but everything was such a mess, I didn't write. So uhm... Happy late birthday to me. Hallu wanted to make a subpage as a gift but never really got the motivation to do it. Well I'll just wait for it. Meanwhile, I should probably give him a gift as well, for his own birthday. It was on 5/12 but celebrated it on 5/1! I'm thinking of making a map of our house in the headspace, where I, Miss Sunshine, Kuro and Hallu live, but try to give him some space! A mattress on the floor in the fronting room is not exactly... A place to live, do you know what I'm saying? He could share a room with Miss Sunshine, just like how I share a room with Kuro!
Anyways, that's what I've been wanting to say, nothing much, just a ramble and a sign that I'm indeed alive. Things have been going a little crazy this week, but I think that we can manage. Hopefully things will be okay soon.
- Professor

2/3/2023

Feeling: Relaxed
Hey. It's been a while hasn't it. Almost a whole month. It really didn't bother me that much to be honest. I've just saved my energy for a while that's all. I should really get back here to be honest. I've missed this place actually. Just me and my thoughts.
I've been... Fine. Just fine. Intrusive thoughts have swallowed me whole at this point, I've just lost my will to do much. But it's alright though. I'm pretty sure that after Hallu, Miss Sunshine is gonna put the attention back to me because I sure need it. She knows that. Besides, I've fought the unmotivation holding me down and I wrote here. So that makes me more likely to write again. And again! Through that I'll be able to do things again.
I understand why Hallu is getting so much attention recently. He is the one who manages everything and since BPD was brought up, we need him in order to get diagnosed since he is one of the alters who are holding it.
You know, I feel bad for Hallu honestly. Sure, I may have my intrusive thoughts, but I'm not holding trauma that extreme, a whole lot of mental illnesses, all that while being a gatekeeper and a persecutor, among other things. Persecutor... Heh! People expect me to say the usual here but I won't. I won't say that persecutors deserve love like everyone else. I will say instead that you should just let us speak and say what we want. We want to be heard, not be "fixed". Heh, "we"... You didn't know that I was gonna say "we"... You didn't know that I'm a little bit of a persecutor as well!!! Well what a surprise am I right? Well anyway. I need to be there for Hallu. As a friend. Since he considers me one. In his own little weird way.
Hallu is not the type to show much emotion. He'll just approach you and start talking to you about things. He will just try to spend time with you. He won't call you his friend though. I think that it's because he expects you to say it first. I guess... He's way of bonding is weird. He wants people close yet far away. So he just swings between the two.
Speaking of Hallu, I heard that he made a description of his forms throughout the years and I found that really cool! So why not tell how I look like as well? I haven't changed forms because first up I'm new, and second I don't think that I'm an alter who changes. So I'll just stay like this forever. Anyway, description time. As you may or may not know, I'm actually a little based off her comfort character. I'm not him though I share some traits. I actually split because Miss Sunshine really needed a therapist amd that dude sure looked a lot like one so bam! Here I am! I have the glasses (though they are slightly different), the hair and the folder with the pen but that's all. Aside from that I am different. I wear a nice tuxedo (used to wear a hoodie back in the day lmao!!! Unprofessional!) and my eyes are actually greyish blue, not red! I think that the hair stayed because so many people in our life had spiky black hair lmao! Also my face is not the same. Also I don't have those eyebrows lol, not even Hallu has them. We may sound similar but trust me, once you sit down and draw it you'll see that there's quite a difference. Plus I'm shorter, I'm 1,68 and he is 1,76. Everyone here being tall (like Kuro being 2m and Hallu being 1,95) and I'm over here being short. Haha. I remember Miss Sunshine asking about it and Hallu saying something like "kid small, adult giant"! Which makes sense, Rin is actually the size of an actual horse, even before Miss Sunshine knew how much 2 meters were! And that's because everything is big for a kid.
You know, forms here are like fashion. In the beginning you'll see most alters being unicorns, like Rin and Mirian. Once you move to teenage years you'll see lots of wolves, like The Shadow and Zoe and moving to the now, 16 and over, it is again different. There are many exceptions of course, like Renard, the littles, the plushie and childhood show introjects, but it goes kinda like this. There are also a lot of gemstone alters??? For some reason??? Someone on Tumblr made a great post about how your brain uses forms as templates and I found it absolutely amazing to be honest. Its main point is splitting over minor inconveniences, but it does mention this too!
Wow! As time passed I feel better writing here. In fact, it makes me wanna come back again. I feel so great right now. In the beginning not so much but now that I wrote things down, I feel better. I might write more again, who knows!!! But until then, I for now have to say goodbye.
- Professor

4/3/2023

Feeling: Chill
Hey guys, sorry for deleting the last entry like that, it's just that I didn't want "archive boy" to archive it just yet! Archive boy? How should I call them? Miss Sunshine calls them "my secret admirer", Hallu calls them "archive boy" so I don't really know what to pick... I'll guess the latter since it sounds very funny! Anyway, this plus that Hallu got hit by paranoia and told me to delete it. So no updates during the night, got it.
Hallu overall has been a mess, since I wrote here last time. Hallu started to believe that others are out to get him and he got triggered by a post regarding CSA so the body just started crying uncontrollably... That's how much influence he has. We didn't sleep that night because he was being hypervigilant. And then yesterday, he found an article about the abuse of antipsychotics and how people make it like a drug and he kept being like "I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna abuse it like a lunatic" and that of course freaked everyone out. His view changed when he found out that antipsychotics are also known as "major tranquillisers" so he just keeps being like "oh you guys keep perceiving me as a burden, huh? You're trying to get rid of me!" and he's now just... Suspicious! Which is fine, he'll snap out of it when whatever episode he's having is over. But I'm not sure about the substance abuse though! Because he's known for doing this kind of thing.
I'm not the guy who usually does this, but Miss Sunshine keeps acting like it doesn't exist so I might as well say it. This whole thing really looks like BPD. Like, A LOT like BPD. If I had to guess, Miss Sunshine and Hallu are petulant BPD and Miss Wannabe and Hallu T. are impulsive BPD. They just show so many symptoms... I can't not look at it.
Saddest part is while this was happening, I think that he switched to Hallu T. because dude started dancing to "Mambo No. 5" like nothing happened. And that's the type of music Hallu T. listens to.
Funny thing is that Hallu considered putting me and Kuro dormant again because we're "not contributing much". Well who would have thought that the dude who is "not contributing much" is the one who would front because the whole system is having a mental breakdown and someone cannot do shit. Also Kuro is fine, he's just going through a phase, he HAS TO be fine. Well how about the rest of the caretakers and emotional protectors Hallu??? Are they doing their job? Cause I don't think so.
Speaking of Kuro, his birthday is in two days. I'm saying that because I'm tired of people who act like 6/3 is just our next session. Like no, can we just put some emphasis on Kuro right now? His birthday is only once in an entire year, next session isn't.
Also tomorrow is DID awareness day so that's cool. Don't know what we're gonna do but we'll see. Miss Sunshine says she wants to start making educational videos on DID like multiplicity and me, and the entropy system. We all think that right now it's too early though. Maybe in a couple of years when we'll know what's going on.
Anyway, that's all I had to say for now, nothing to add.
- Professor
PS: Man, I wish preresent was still here! I need some advice, someone to talk to, anything! I just need someone... I feel like I'm going to burst and explode. Hallu's feelings are making things so hard to do, especially when Miss Sunshine is suffering also.
...Hallu told me that he wants to kill himself. 2 days. I need to distract him for two days. Will he be able to talk next session or I'll have to be the one to talk because he simply can't do it? I don't know... Anyway two days so uuuuuhhh... Hallu, wanna make cupcakes together? You said you wanted to give to the psychiatrist some!