*I was writing for half an hour and it ended up getting deleted, lol!! ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ*
Hi!! I'm Erika, and this is my website!! Like I said in my main page, coding was always an interest of mine, so after I found Neocities, I decided to give it a try!! So I'm here now!! Haha...
Well, to be honest, I don't really know what to say about myself... I'm currently going in high school, and I have a friend named Andrew!! Omg, I love him so much, we always have something to say, he's such a good friend!! Well... That was pretty much it!! My life isn't all that interesting to be honest!! That is... If we're talking about my external life!!
I actually started this website, not only because I liked coding, but also because I need to vent!! Last month, a major event happened, and since then I've been hearing voices!! I honestly couldn't really tell anyone about it: The girls at school would think that I'm a freak, I already vented so much on Andrew and I don't wanna annoy him, and I certainly can't tell my parents!! The voices say that our conversations are "a little secret"!! One in particular seems to be really vocal about this!! So I don't know what would happen if I ever told anyone about this "secret"... My parents seemed to notice that something is wrong though, and decided to send me to a psychiatrist!! He said that I needed to interact with them, and write down my experiences with them!! So because of that... I decided to journal somewhere!! I saw Neocities, and decided to give it a try!!
It's honestly really hard though!! I don't wanna talk to them, they come to me!! I try to brush them aside, but nothing happens!! They just don't wanna go away!! I'm only one session in, and the psychiatrist is already considering giving me antipsychotics, that's how bad it is!! It's scary to be honest!! I don't know what to do, or how to react... Just... Write down in a journal!! That's all I can do right now!! So I'm gonna do that, write down in my journal and manage!! That's what I always do...
Anyway, I'm being called from the kitchen for dinner, so I have to stop here for now!! Bye!!
I usually don't say how I feel straightforward, but... I'm afraid!! I'm really afraid!!
So there's this voice in my head!! The one that I mentioned last time about going to great lengths to hide the fact that I hear them in general!! I will refer to him as Adonis, because when we were talking about this the other day, he preferred being called Adonis!!
Anyway, I tried to open a conversation with him and talk to him!! In the beginning everything was fine, we talked about us, random things about our day, overall small talk!! He seems willing to talk as long as he's in the mood!! The key is not making him lose his temper... Otherwise it's game over for ya!!
After a while, I decided to listen to some music, like I always do!! So I decided to ask him what his favourite music genre is!! And his response was: "Nu-mental!! In particular, I like Disturbed (the band)!!"
Now this is when I lost it?? How does he know about Disturbed if I haven't heard it since I was 13!! 13... Haven't heard it since I was 13... And then random memories flooding up from when I was 13: I was a totally different person back then!! I would listen to bands like Disturbed, Skillet and Linking Park and my overall behaviour was... Completely different!! In fact, when I reflected on these memories, it didn't feel like it was my life... It felt like someone else's!! I remembered all those times as well when I would also believe that I'm some kind of fierce beast with monstrous fangs and giant claws!! I would quickly lose my temper and behave in a way that was... Not me!! It wasn't me!!
And then I remembered Adonis... His appearance!! A giant monster with giant claws, and extremely animalistic behaviour!! I remember back in the day experiencing this and bordeline crying because I felt like I was going insane!! Adonis was always bullying me in the beginning saying how "you can't get rid of me, I've always been there!! I'm as old as time itself"!! And that made me realise: this isn't new!! This isn't some weird accident!! This goes back to so many years... He has always been there!! He was always doing this, he was always taking control of my body... I'm scared!!
To be honest, I'm actually scared of Adonis!! He seems to know how this whole thing works, he knows how to do all this!! How long has he been messing with my mind?? How long has this been going on?? I'm utterly terrified!!
How many sessions until they give me clozapine, please, make these voices go away!!
I don't know what to do... I really don't know!! It's scary!! It's frightening!!
It happened again!! And this time worse!! I was listening to music with Adonis... Not because I want to, but because he doesn't want to stay away from me!! He doesn't wanna leave me alone!! He has a weird fixation on me and I can't tell why!! If anything, when I'm asking why he's always there with me, and his answers are "You went to far"/"You looked too deep into this"/"I must put you in your place"!! I can't understand what he means!! What did I do?? Why do I need to be put in my place?? Why is he always so defensive??
Anyway, we were listening to music together!! The type that makes both of us kinda erratic and giggly!! We were saying irrational things, that somehow made sense... I don't know why, but when I'm in that state, you could say anything to me and it would make sense, it's like I'm hypnotised!!
Anyway, we were being nonsensical like this!! Just giggling, laughing, being completely detached from everything!! At one point, one of us said "we should pull our guts out"!! Was it ne, was it him, I don't remember!! Low and behold, I'm suddenly in the kitchen, the drawer is open, and my hands were searching for "a knife"!!
Now this is what scares me so much!! My inability to function and be normal!! My detachment from reality that makes me behave like this!! I always have intrusive thoughts, that's not unusual!! The other day I saw a cheese grater, and had the sudden urge to grate my face, but I KNOW that this was an intrusive thought!! This was different!! This makes me question what happened shortly after!! It's not the first time that happened either!! One day is was so detached again, that some time later I found myself having posting a picture of my house online!! I don't know why I did it, but there was a picture of my house now online!!
This scares the hell out of me!! I want to be normal but I can't!! I behave in irrational ways like these that make no sense!! I don't know when next session is, so I'm left to survive in the chaos!! I live in uncertainty, I don't like uncertainty!! It's frightening to say the least!! It's not so much that this happens, it's just that I don't know if it'll escalate!! What if I eventually hurt myself because of this and end up in the hospital?? I can't think about it!!
My body doesn't feel like it's mine!! It's being around like a ragdoll, doing whatever the voices in my head want it to do!! It's like it doesn't exist!! Like I'm playing a game!! There have been countless times when I feel like my body has shifted to something else!! Sometimes something bigger, something smaller, ir something else entirely!! I have no sense of my own self, it's all just one big giant mess!!
Anyway, I don't wanna get super depressing every entry, so here's something more light-hearted!! Yesterday we talked with Andrew for a bit!! He said that if things are going well and won't be super busy (because he's really busy these days), we can meet again!! I'm so glad that I still have Andrew!! I don't know how I would be able to handle this without him!! I may not have said a thing to him, but his presence alone is enough to calm me!! Hopefully we can meet soon, I wanna see him again!! (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ