Diary of a traumatised satyr

28/12/2022

I wrote something but after a while I realised that it was coming a little too defensive so I deleted it...
This is where people introduce themselves uuuuuhhh... I think that you pretty much know me and I know you so introductions are not really that important. I was planning on giving you what you want and pretend to be Miss Sunshine again, but New Year's is coming up and everything is going like a tornado soooo... Expect more of my shit until at least New Year's. Sorry for not being able to roleplay like this anymore but it reached the point of being like a 12 hour shift, you guys gotta understand me here.
So new year's is coming and because of that, the world is on fire (not literally). And as a result I'm just sitting here... Uuuuuhhh... I really don't have much to say right now honestly, like you know me, I know you, so it's not something that is new. I guess I'm just dropping by to tell you that I'm gonna drop by again.... Yeah!!! Well that's mostly it see you in-! Actually no, you see me in a couple hours, like I said I'm not really going anywhere. Cya!
- Hallu

29/12/2022

Oh my god, I'm sleep deprived and my body feels like it's on fire halp!!!
Good morning! How are you all? I'm personally in a great mood right now despite the circumstances. That's great! You know since I'm feeling really talkative right now, so why not talk about something funny?
Miss Sunshine back in the day tried to get me exorcised haha! I wasn't laughing AT ALL that day but I certainly am now. It's funny that you can think that getting rid of me is that easy. The therapist dislikes me, the priest does also and the psychiatrist doesn't know what to do with me. Fun fact the antipsychotics were for ME! Not that I was the one who got prescribed, I was the one that they are targeting. Which is understandable btw, I was a big dick pre aripiprazole I take that L, I'm chill now. I actually wanted to start writing earlier but Miss Sunshine was like "oh hell no" which I get I was really irritable back then. Can you blame me though I was getting triggered everyday what do you want me to do?
Anyway back to the story since everyone thinks that Miss Sunshine is some sweet innocent angel. I honestly don't know how angelic it is when she tells the priest about your existence and trying to make you come out so that you get banished to the shadow realm... Oh yeah! She told them about it and kept saying my name in her head so that I would get triggered and then act insane so they would exorcise the living shit out of me! Needless to say I got extremely pissed that day! I'll give her the forgiveness pass though. She was probably scared of me or something. Like most people in here. Keep this in mind though before you assume that Hallu is a douche and Miss Sunshine is all mighty. How about you ask Hallu's side of things next time, hm?
That's what makes it so funny though. She likes to believe that I'm something that can go poof and leave. Which is hilarious. Babe, no god, antipsychotic or amount of force will make me go away. I've been running this body for the last 16 years you bet your sweet ass I'm not going anywhere! I'm here to stay.
That's why I love our current psychiatrist so much. She gets it. Nobody does, but she gets it. She understands my thought process and I love her for that, she's so good at understanding. That's why I've been thinking about me talking to her next session. Though my current goal is to make it to New Year's and then be done with it because the stress is going wild! That's why I'm here right now. To just pull everyone into the new year and then drop them. Btw, ever wondered why Miss Sunshine didn't write in her diary at that period last year? Well hi!
Anyway that's all I've pretty much got to say now. I smell cheese pie and my stomach is making noises so I'm gonna go eat breakfast now, BUH BYE!!
- Hallu

30/12/2022

Can't believe that it's almost new year's eve... Wow! You know the funny thing is that Miss Sunshine wanted to give me a handmade diary as a gift for new year's but I had different plans for that, so now there's a half finished diary on her desk. I decided to purchase some red cardboard for the cover and made some lines in the pages so that I'll be able to write. Though I left some blank and now that I think of it, I mostly wanna make some lines in the blank pages and erase the other ones lmao!!! Miss Sunshine was mostly going for a diary/sketchbook type of thing so I'm gonna keep it at that. Which is very nice actually, I may not look like it but I'm a big fan of the arts. I love drawing, I love dancing, I love music, I love reading a good book or watch a nice movie, I'm overall a big fan actually.
Speaking of new year's, I asked myself if doing what I'm doing from NOW is a good idea or I should just wait until new year's eve. But then I met my abuser so that answered pretty much my question. Abuser because I refuse to acknowledge this man as part of the family, he never was and he never will, he's dead to me! Overall yesterday was so fine I started biting things while in my wolf form because I was that stressed. Oh yeah... Miss Sunshine hasn't said how I actually look like so you all probably think that I'm a wolf or something. Which is true but... I need to make an entry about it! Review of forms I used throughout my life maybe? Why not.
Speaking of reviews I could write those "Trauma" and "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" album reviews now that I'm here. Since I'm the one who likes raggacore. Oh believe me, I LOVE raggacore!!!!! I love that shit with every fiber of my being, it's the best! For those who don't know what raggacore is, I'm gonna leave this here for you to listen. It's my second favourite song, after Renard's version of "Travestienen Transexuelen Over The Rainbow"! I love Renard, I love Lapfox Trax, they make great music.
Anyway. I was also thinking of changing the "Hangout" file a little. It's no longer used for OCs so I thought that putting some resources here could be helpful actually. In fact since I made the diary I promised myself to stop drinking, self harming, binging and purging, find better coping mechanisms and just try to overall become a decent person. So I could share some things that I'll find interesting.
I was also thinking of "expanding" my presence in this website a little bit. I'm not satisfied by just one diary. I want an about page, I want a FAQ page I want to make it feel like a website inside a website. I told myself that I'm gonna do it when I get enough trust with you guys so everytime I go up one level in terms of trust, I'm gonna add a new page. So far I went from level 0 to level 1. Like 4 LIKES you guys actually like me? Aw I love you too you made my day.
Changing the subject again and going back to yesterday. We went to the mall to buy gifts for everyone because... Well it's almost new year's. Miss Sunshine told me to buy a dress that I saw for Miss Wannabe. I did it despite the fact that I DESPISE that girl. Oh my god I fucking hate her with a burning passion. Her and fucking Faella some other bitch I hate. But for different reasons. I hate Miss Wannabe because she used me as a punching bag, but I hate Faella because she's so... Pink and girly and glittery and small and fragile and weak and innocent and defenseless UGH!!! It's not personal though. I just HATE everything pink glittery with unicorns on top it just makes me wanna punch a man!!! EW!! At one point I started hearing a music box and it just made me so angry I can't handle small and fragile things I hate them!!!!!!!!
Also at one point I started dissociating terribly. I think that this was mostly caused by the fact that I'm feeling unwell and overall not sleeping properly while taking meds that are supposed to make me calm the fuck down so I was just dragging the body around like a ragdoll. I was so unwell in fact when I went to sleep I ended up sleeping 11 hours. Now mom thinks that it might be gastroenteritis how nice!!! :) She made some tea for that so we had a nice tea breakfast this morning. At one point back in the day Miss Sunshine asked me if I'm a coffee or tea type of guy, because Kuro likes tea and Professor likes coffee. I said both but after this I'm both but leaning towards tea a little bit. I love the sounds the cups made when you pick them up. Man I should talk to Nancy about this she fucking loves tea parties and those kinds of things. Oh god as much as I hate Faella that much I love Nancy!!! Such a nice woman she's super sweet. But the nice kind of sweet not Faella's kind. Am I really dropping new names like that and I expect you to act like it's normal, yes! :)
Also don't tell Miss Sunshine but dad decided to make the vasilopita so I helped him... I know that Miss Sunshine wanted to be the one to do it but sorry girl life says she has different plans. Sorry but not sorry! It was super cool actually I really wanna taste it when the time comes.
Well that was mostly what I wanted to say nothing else to add. Now don't tell Miss Sunshine but our sister is gonna make some cheesecake and I really wanna help her so I'm gonna do just that. CYA!
- Hallu

3/1/2023

Does this font work in Greek as well, hold on: Θέλω να χώσω ένα κάκτο στον κώλο μου!!! No it doesn't, lmao!
Anyway. Wanted to update the site but Miss Sunshine said that she wanted to be the one to update... Time passed nothing happened, here I am! Which is... Good I guess? I don't have any particular reason to be here. There is still some stress going on but nothing that important. You could say that I'm here because I like talking. It may not look like it, but I sure am quite the social butterfly. It may take 435 failing attempts to make me say anything but eventually I will open up. It could be because I secretly like y'all's company but I'm just not saying anything. I came here because pretending became hard but I also stayed. That requires likeability to do. So you could say that I actually like you.
This is where I would write about what Miss Sunshine did yesterday... But I'm not Professor I'm a selfish cunt so I won't say anything and brag about whatever. Oh yeah! My favourite part was when Miss Sunshine said that I only wrote the 16/11 entry. Now this is bad criteria right there people. She didn't put the right criteria and just went with "does this feel like mine?" Which sucks ass actually! The correct way to do it would be "do I remember writing this?" Lo and behold she'll suddenly find several. Masking is a thing and I'm tired when she acts like it isn't! Goddammit!
In fact, back in October/November you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Not only that but you would think that this is the most Miss Sunshine moment you've ever seen. Wearing skirts, putting makeup, being open with people, nobody would believe that it's Hallu that's doing it! Oh yeah! I'm 10 more likely to wear a dress and makeup than Miss Sunshine and- That makes me sound like a travesty but I promise you that's not the case, LMAO!! I kept seeing a girl's face in the mirror and I was like "fine, at least I'll make her look pretty". I love being pretty and I try to show that! I like wearing pretty clothes and being clean and tidy. It gives you class.
But that doesn't mean that I didn't have my dysphoria moments though. In fact, I have hurt the body several times because of this. You know what, why don't we play a game? First look yourself in the mirror and tell your name. Cool this is you! Now go to thispersondoesnotexist and keep refreshing until you see a photo of a little girl. Now give her a different name. Not putting Miss Sunshine's face because there are always those who say "at least I'm prettier 😩✊✨" so thispersondoesnotexist it is. Plus a little girl because despite the fact that I'm ageless, when I look at Miss Sunshine I feel so much OLDER than her so this should do the trick.
Now imagine yourself waking up and seeing this face everytime you look yourself in the mirror. In the beginning you accept it, that's your new life now. You pretend to be someone else and you act accordingly. Nobody suspects a thing and everything goes smoothly. But after a while it starts to kick in: you're not her, you are you, this isn't your life, you're living a lie!!! You get depressed and try to stop looking at you. But it's still there, it's not going anywhere, the little girl is still there. You try to leave but there's always a reason for you to be back in control. You try to throw that shit away but it always comes back to you through various triggers. You get angry. Angry at yourself for being cursed into this hell and the little girl because if she didn't exist, everything would be so much easier for you. She's a little bitch anyway, all she does is cry cry cry like a baby. That's all she does sit there and cry. You try to calm down saying that this will eventually be over. But months pass... Nothing! Just nothing!!! Now tell me you wouldn't go crazy after this! And I had to tolerate 5 months of this bullshit!
Of course this came along with its beautiful form of art also known as writing! Ah, the entries! Entries such as 4/10/2022 my personal fave: "I can't, I keep seeing another face in the mirror when I look at me!! Fuck, who is this animal? Where is my face? WHERE IS MY FACE? WHERE IS IT?" or 22/11/2022 absolute classic "I... I wasn't a human being anymore!! I'm still not!!" Now I would write more but I kept finding death threats towards me and that shit must be so juicy, I wanna read it! I read something about her wanting to decapitate me, this shit must be like super juicy steak, omg tasty!
Ugh this whole thing reminded me that Miss Sunshine found out that I age regress, absolute ew!!! I think that it's age regression though I mostly forget wtf I've been doing whilst like this. Now this is where we hide that it could be a little alter because Miss Sunshine will have a mental breakdown. AGAIN! She also called me "cute" which just sent me into a spiral. I HATE being called cute, I hate cute things, I hate everything small and fragile!!! I honestly DO NOT CARE Miss Sunshine if it's from some "deep childhood trauma that needs to be addressed" fucker stayed hidden for a reason, put him back where you found him. I do not care about "unmet needs" I'm bullying this fuck off the face of the earth! That's seriously what I'm gonna do btw, Professor said that he had a similar experience back in the day and he did exactly that. Now look at him, he's fine. You bet your sweet ass I'm gonna unleash torture if I see that stupid fuck ever again! I'm a grown adult and I'm gonna stay a grown adult forever fuck you!!!
Anyway. Miss Sunshine started making these grounding cards. I think that I'm gonna help with that but maybe later because the sun is coming straight into my eyes right now ow! I also must study because there are some tests to do these days and I want to do good in them! Plus I want to pass the Panhellenics because if I don't, I'll literally kill myself. No death date no nothing right there on the spot! I'm getting out of this town, away from the abusers through one way or the other! Anyway I heard something about some relatives coming over and mom asking if we wanna meet them so idk what Miss Sunshine will do about it... Either way, I think I'm gonna sit here wait for the sun to change and then help with the cards and study, oof! So yeah uuhh... Bye!
- Hallu

4/1/2023

Tomorrow I'm celebrating my birthday oh my god! Didn't initially have a birthday but after all this I decided that my birthday is gonna be on the 5th of December, but I decided that way to late so now we're gonna celebrate it tomorrow. I don't know yet if I want my birthday to be on 5/12 or 5/1 but so far I'm leaning towards 5/12. Mom made a cake as a vasilopita yesterday so we could cut a piece.
I chose 5/12 because that's when Miss Sunshine took the big decision. Am I mad about it? Yes but also no. Yes because I feel like I failed. My entire job is circling around hiding so this made me feel like a useless piece of shit. Felt like I failed. One of the two reasons I'm here, I failed at my job anyway so why does Neocities matter? You guys know anyway. But from the other hand... Do I wanna heal? Maybe. I could unleash hell right now but I didn't. I didn't do it. As if I didn't want to.
Speaking of healing: Miss Sunshine wants to force me to cut the bad habits. She heard to "cigarette duet" and started crying. As usual. I understand that when people cry about this they mostly care deeply about you but I don't know how I should react to this. I would call her a crybaby, but she also started crying in today's test because of a movie script in it, so I understood that it's actually period. Oh well! She told me that I need to stop drinking, binging and self harming right NOW because otherwise I'm gonna become addicted. I told her that I already find it a little hard, so she told me that I'm literally in the border of addiction and no addiction and that I need to stop immediately. Well I guess I will... From one hand I want to stop because I can't get drunk enough: either I want to but I can't access the hard alcs yet, or I don't because parents will notice. But from the other I'm just used to it. Like how else do you numb the pain? Because the trauma following me is tremendous. Miss Sunshine almost killed herself when I told her. Like what do you expect me to do in this situation?
So now I'm not drinking, not binging, not self harming, no nothing. This is what I promised myself after all. I need to heal. I need to stop reenacting trauma, I need to stop numbing my feelings. It's hard. But I don't really have a choice. Otherwise people will notice. Man I'm such a failure, if I did my job better she would never find out about me or what is going on.
I'm just left here. The only thing that I have now is dissociation and my hypersexuality... Miss Sunshine wants to talk about it tomorrow, next session, so that can also stop. Which is nice but I don't know if that's possible because dissociation has been so bad recently, I might be the one to talk tomorrow. It feels empty. Without the highs of the alcohol, binging and self harm, it feels empty. My soul feels empty. But it's for the best I guess.
Speaking of highs, aripripazol is a miracle. Normally I would have a manic mood right now due to sleep deprivation, but it helps manage that. So now I'm normal. A little tired, but normal. Medicine does wonders to a person!
Our sister purchased "wreck this journal" yesterday. I hear her wrecking it right now. Miss Sunshine wants to buy it for me as a birthday gift, to manage my anger issues or when someone is triggered. Which sounds helpful. She got triggered again two days ago so the prompts in there could help. Either way Miss Sunshine wants to buy "wreck this journal".
I've been thinking of if I wanna 18+ this journal. Sure I may discuss something nsfw because the only thing in my head is trauma, my job as a gatekeeper and hypersexuality, but that's not the point. I mostly consider it because I wanna write somewhere about my trauma. Sure I have a physical journal, but I feel like someone is gonna snoop through my stuff and find it. So I mostly come here. Mainly to de-stress but also vent a little bit. I could blur the trauma parts but I'm not sure how much I'm willing to trust you. Because I know that there are many children here so discussions of CSA isn't something I want many to see. Because you could just lie about your age and see all this shit. And I honestly do not want that.
Aside from that I have nothing else of importance to say. Just that. So I'm going now. Bye!
- Hallu
Update: I got the flouri in the vasilopita cake, how nice!!! I must say that it made me really happy! Definitely cheered me up after hearing that we have green beans for lunch! I hate green beans so much, I'm dead serious AAAHH! I hate them I hate them I hate them!!!

15/1/2023

I don't want to make my presence public right now, but I don't feel like masking either, so I'll just hide this update!!!
Day 1 of being sober. I would be on day 11 right now, but I decided to take some pills yesterday just for their taste. Miss Sunshine didn't like it. She said that we have mints if I feel like putting stuff in my mouth, so maybe I should start doing that. I don't like the current situation of me struggling this much but whatever. Miss Sunshine understood that what she's doing is hard, so she let me self harm a little by using those candles that her mom keeps lighting up. Which is nice I can't cut everything at once, I need things to go gradually.
Ate a nice breakfast today. I'm glad for myself! I ate something and I took care of the body, how nice. You see, I'm a big eater and I find food one of the body's necessities I'll gladly fulfill, since that's pretty much my job. It could be from Miss Sunshine constantly starving herself, or just mimicking the attitude of my abuser, but I'm not really sure. Anyways, the thing is that I ate, the body is functioning properly, everything is going alright. Which reminded me btw, all the -itis diseases have finally left. No cystitis, no vaginitis, no gastroenteritis, finally some peace! Which makes me really glad actually, that way I'll start being out less and be left the fuck alone in silence.
Thinking of making a carrd actually. Not one of those cringey carrds with pronouns, dni and shit, just me doing something creepy. I've been looking into txti, rentry, carrd and all that lately and I actually really want to make something just for me and my own enjoyment. Just a little creation of mine. I don't like how you can't put html in any of them and you either deal with zero customisation and a white background or a cringe user base but whatever. I'll set that aside for now.
Miss Sunshine contacted the psychiatrist yesterday. I don't know how to cover it up. Yes I need to hide it. Because she had a flashback, but the flashback was about ME and I don't think that talking about it will do anything but cause chaos so I just want to hide it. I don't hide the fact that I've traumatised Miss Sunshine to an enormous extent, but I do hide the flashbacks because who will believe her if she tells. Again, I was a great dick pre aripripazole, but now I've calmed down. It's the reason why I'm taking it in the first place.
Miss Sunshine doesn't read my diary. "It's because I feel that you need some space!" So maybe I can finally write freely what I want. Because I was always worried that she reads these and I couldn't talk about my trauma history. But since she doesn't, I can just talk. Instead of my trauma though, I wanna talk about my plans for now. I'm thinking of letting Miss Sunshine talk for three more sessions herself and then try to have one session with the psychiatrist myself. I wanna test the waters to see how covert or overt I have to make everyone behave. I think next session are also gonna talk about my episode. Miss Sunshine said that it looked like a schizophrenic episode and that she started feeling it as well but I'm not sure what the case is. It looked like one but I don't wanna make assumptions.
And finally, for those wondering on how I spent my birthday... It was okay! Not a big deal, just okay. Ate some cake and that was it. Nothing much. Anyway that was today's entry, I have nothing more to add. Bye!
- Hallu

21/1/2023

GOOOOODDDD, it is such a nice day today, why do I have to be so angryyyyyyy? I ate a great lunch and I'm relaxing on our bed, couldn't everything be on fire another time?
It's not that I want to ruin anyone's day, mine included but goddamn! The body is in such a state that if it eats anything SLIGHTLY irritating it's gonna explode. Currently taking meds again, gonna see a doctor soon. Man I'm so tired of being on meds. Mom too! I just want to be in the headspace and never front again for the next month, I have never fronted THIS MUCH in my ENTIRE LIFE! God I've been on meds since October and sick since September, end me! Why do I have to be the one with a role like this?
But that's not what upsets me, no! That's the least of my concerns now! Yes it may be in a bad condition, but at least sickness is nearing the end, just gotta treat this one thing and everything is going to be alright. What annoys me is the system's current state. One day littles started popping up and everything went to shit. I get it, they got us diagnosed but fuck. They kept fronting so much, Miss Sunshine forgot to take her meds and I got manic live on Tumblr. You've seen me manic, I was like this on here too, that time Miss Sunshine broke back in October saying she was god. Yeah, that was me, hi! Miss Sunshine kept saying "Hallu come get your children" but I swear I've never seen those fucks in my ENTIRE LIFE! Turns out that there's a layer in the system with a different gatekeeper, Rin, and he was the one responsible for this. And if that wasn't enough, communication with him is pretty shit so we can't do anything about it.
I hate it. I hate children, I hate littles, I hate age sliders, I hate age regressors, y'all stay the fuck away from me. I also hate having more gatekeepers, no, I am gonna be the one who controls switching, I am gonna be the one who controls the headspace, I am gonna be the one who controls the system, fuck that, I don't need anybody!!!
Also now that we're diagnosed, I need to look after the new splits because of course those past 5 months made me split. That's what you get when Miss Sunshine keeps forcing memories out even when you tell her no, wether by force or not. So now there's also Renard, the guy I split from listening to Renard from Lapfox Trax when I was stressed back in the day. Of course his favourite albums are "Trauma" and "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder", those were the ones I was listening to, also my faves. Like Miss Sunshine said "It was the only thing that would made him calm down, it's like a pacifier, if he gets mad, I just put Renard and he calms down". So yeah, Renard factive! Not surprised though, we also have a factive of our sister so I'm kinda used to them. He's also angry because guess what, when you try to dig up CSA memories, the body doesn't like it! Congrats on your 4th persecutor Miss Sunshine!
But that wasn't the most embarrassing noooooo! All those things combined don't even make a tenth of the reason I'm angry. These days... These days I've been having horrible crying spells and extreme hypervigilance to the point of shivering in a corner from fear. And that's extremely embarrassing I hate it! I hate it when I cry or become weak! Hell, I've signed up for kickboxing classes for a reason, didn't I? The body is more muscular now so I'm glad. I love feeling the body having abs not gonna lie. Again, because I hate being weak! Because I hate crying. Because I hate being vulnerable. No! Just no!
It became so bad, Miss Sunshine started sleeping with her mom again because she said it's gonna help me calm down. It helps indeed, never slept this good in a long time. But I hate it though! I hate it! I'm a grown adult, I should be able to sleep on my own and not cry like a baby. I don't want to be like this.
There are some understandable reasons. I feel like I've failed because we got diagnosed and that made me feel weak and that brought a mental breakdown. But to be this severe... And with me not remembering anything... And Miss Sunshine saying that this isn't my usual self... Hmmmm... I wonder what it is!
On New Year's Eve we found a little alter. In the subsystem way, that means that this fuck is inside me. Don't know when it split because communication between me and it sucks ass, I can only know what it did by asking others what they saw... Told it to fuck off a couple of times like the annoyance it is, but this time I can't do that. Because this time it's having a mental breakdown of a magnitude I can't even describe. It's affecting me in every way! It keeps whining like a butthurt bitch and it pisses me off! Trust me, I would kill it if I could!
"But he's just a hurt kid!" "But he really needs some love right now!" "But that kid is still you!" Okay, and? You think I care? You think that I give a fuck? You really think that I care about this pathetic human being? If I cared I wouldn't call it it/its now, would I?
Made a deal with Miss Sunshine though! She said that if I let her take care of both of us and I see that things are indeed getting better and we both feel good after this, that I'm gonna be kind to it and she will accept that she's been through sexual abuse. Damn, no wonder she hasn't done it already, this shit is hard! Like me liking it? No! I would initially name it after a number but she said that it was mean so now we call it Hallu L. L for "little".
Communication with it sucks ass so I guess that I should start leaving notes. I don't wanna befriend it but it's part of the deal. So now I have to endure a week of weird self care. Only god knows how this will unfold.
- Hallu

30/1/2023

Miss Sunshine told us not to update today in order for tomorrow's update to show up, but yesterday she was also frontstuck so... Well I have time until 6 PM so I can do what I want until then.
Just wanted to talk about how this week's been. Just filling you up with what happened in the "Hallu's self care week".

Day 0: Hallu L.
I don't count 21/1 as a day, so I'm gonna refer to it as day 0. Nothing much happened that day. Just made the deal with Miss Sunshine that if I accept Hallu L. and the fact that I'm a walking ball of cringe, she'll accept that she's been through CSA. In the beginning nothing happened until I checked my own emotions and I found out why this little shit has been here. It's... Or maybe I should start being more humane... He's supposed to be all my repressed emotions because as an ageless gatekeeper, I have no time for such things. I need to be strong and mature 24/7 and set aside trauma related things. Because I need to do my job. That made me a little more sympathetic towards him, so I tried to build communication with him. He was still crying but eventually calmed down.

Day 1: Again Hallu L.
I started living sticky notes in the front room of the headspace because that's mostly where I live so L. is more likely to front there. I don't have a stable place to live so I go and sleep wherever. Miss Sunshine wants to give me a room in the headspace's house, but she has trouble editing it so I'm still waiting for that. I should probably draw my GlOrIoUs living condition. Just a mattress with a blanket, that's it, that's where I live. I'm still grateful for that though, back in the day I used to sleep on the floor or outside before I revealed myself to Miss Sunshine so that's a plus.
Anyway, back to the topic, I did get a few responses, though they were very vague like "I'm sad" "I'm scared" this type of thing. Couldn't do much though because his breakdown made him be mostly inside. So I had to go... Inside!

Day 2: Madness
In the second day, I decided to help L. a little bit. I thought that since I'm inside a headspace, I must have a headspace of my own. And indeed I have and it's madness! It's a dark field with a tall tower in the middle and if the tower notices you, it shoots the everloving shit out of you. I got shot like that three times, how is a five year old living in such conditions? It's not humane. I literally named the headspace "Madness" because that's what it is, it's madness!!! It is NOTHING like the main headspace!!!
I tried to be like how I used to and tried to be a responsible human being and did my best to change it into something safer. I failed but at least I nailed to add a small house in there. Cool! That means that I can at least change it. Gradually, but still change it.

Day 3: Renard
Renard has to be one of the best alters ever. In the beginning I thought that he split randomly, but it turns out that he split specifically for me! He used to be a persecutor, but after being with me made him have a more caretaking role. He also became more developed than a fragment, so he's either gonna integrate within a few sessions, or it's gonna take years, he's that type of alter. I already see him being with us through uni.
I think that Miss Sunshine found out about him because he approached me and said "hey, I heard that you need help with something". He took me to his caretaking clinic which I SWEAR, I've never seen it before. I know that I'm not specialising in the headspace part but I'm still a gatekeeper, I KNOW that this clinic wasn't there before. So he can edit the headspace, huh! Good to know!

Day 4: Nothing
In Day 4, nothing really happened, I was super tired and slept most of the day while Renard was looking after me. "You can still call me if you need anything" Man I fucking love Renard. I feel like we need to give him credit for everything he has done these days, without him we wouldn't go anywhere.

Day 5: Breaking Down
On Day 5, I broke down. Turns out that having a caretaker that gives you the love you never got as a kid does something with your brain. I started crying and I couldn't stop. Everyone was super nice to me so that helped. Looking back at it, it makes me kinda angry though. Why care for me now? Why didn't you care for me back in September when I needed it the most? You think that those five months weren't stressful enough for me? I split two times, that says something!
But anyway, I let this slide. I really felt comforted during that time so I can't really be mad at them. It was a great feeling honestly.

Day 6: Hallu T.
As if L. wasn't enough, life gave me Hallu T. I can't really explain much about him, because you need to understand some things first about how CSA affects... That but... You know, maybe another day!!! Just know that he's weirdly horny... I read that teenage alters are like that but Jesus Christ!! Also idk why he's 17, he split in those five months, and the body was 18... Oh well!
I have better communication with T. than L. but oh my god, is he not helping. Was my abuser really visiting us that much? Nah, can't be! Was it the nightmares and the flashbacks? Probably! Was it because Miss Sunshine tried to dig up memories? High chance! Very high chance! You see Miss Sunshine? That's why we're not digging up memories, look at this! Do you believe me now?

Day 7: Finally calming down
After all the care Renard and the others put me through, I must say that I feel better. I feel better, I act better, overall I am much better. I started regressing and in the beginning I didn't like it, but eventually I decided to let it be. What can I do about it anyways?
I feel more positive now and I wanna be a better person. I still have a long way to go but I feel that this has helped a lot!!

Day 7+1: Agere
Yesterday I started regressing a lot and I didn't know why but then PTSD decided to rip me in half with flashbacks... In general, when I regress it's mostly part of a flashback so oof! It's not pretty. But yesterday it was a more positive experience, I had only two so that's good! I also slept WAAAAYYY better so that's also a plus. I need to start regressing more, this along with apiriprazole make sleeping so much easier! I'm gonna start doing this, watch me!

Tomorrow is finally the day I'm gonna talk to the psychiatrist. Part of me wants to scare her away, so I'm in a bit of an internal battle. I already told dad I want to watch "Split", hoping that we'll all watch it together and by the end of the film fear me! That's mostly how I function, I operate in fear. Either mine or other's. Because that's what works for me, so far it has done wonders! Nobody really wants to fight me anymore!
Maybe I should just try to scare her a little bit instead of a lot, in order to test her. If she is willing to talk to me, I'll let her pass. I'll try to be a more cooperative alter for once and try not to scare everyone away immediately. Maybe I'll watch Split as part of a review, instead of infront of the family, because I'm both curious and just wanting to watch it! I'll try to be nice. Yeah, I'll try to be nice!
Miss Sunshine started believing me more now, regarding my trauma. That's good! I just want someone to hear me. It's not all the way though so that makes me sad. But again, it's a really fucked up story so who would believe that?
I've written everything I wanted to write. I don't have anything else to add so I'll just leave it here. I'll see you tomorrow after I'm done with the psychiatrist. Bye!
- Hallu

10/2/2023

Day 26 of being sober. I'm surprised honestly! Expected to relapse but I can't. Aripripazole makes things worse if I drink. So I don't drink at all. Quite honestly I'm glad because I have found better ways to cope now.
Speaking of aripripazole, I need to monitor my eating. It's not that I'm constantly binging... Oh wait, it is. The thing is that I'm not doing it on purpose. Abilify makes you gain weight like that and can make your appetite go off the roof so these days my stomach has been like an endless pit. Nothing satisfies me. I keep eating and eating because I feel nothing. Thank god I go to kickboxing classes at least, I can burn some calories in there! Thank god!
I like our current body, more fit and all. I think that Miss Sunshine likes it too. That's nice to hear. I like exercising and being fit and masculine and- No I don't. I keep lying to you, I don't like this. I don't like what I'm currently doing. It's a facade, it's an act. I don't like how I currently am. I feel the need to keep going though because that's how I present as strong. That's what I know to do.
*sigh* Well anyway. I pussied out last session and didn't say shit to the psychiatrist so I'm gonna try again this time. Hope that I won't run off like a little bitch again. Also next session falls on Barbeque Thursday LMAO! How funny! Miss Sunshine and I keep thinking about going there as a woman straight out of the roaring 20s, that's gonna be fun lol!
Anyway. This Tuesday is Valentine's Day. I purchased a heart shaped chocolate box with little heart shaped chocolates in them. How cute! I guess... That's what the average person would say, right? I also bought some noodles, I decided to cook them for her that day.
"Hallu, do you like Miss Sunshine?" Well, for that I need to delete today's update pop-up.
...
Yes! Yes I do! I absolutely do, I love Miss Sunshine! I love her deeply in fact. Professor was right, once someone shows you basic human decency, you fall for them. No wonder he's dating Kuro now. Ngl, I'm kinda jealous of them. Wish I could have a relationship like that.
Miss Sunshine rejected me. For obvious reasons. Not gonna work out plus the five months of torture I bestowed upon her. That makes me understand. I still love her though. I love her and I want to buy gifts for her for that day. I'm still kinda flirty towards her and she seems okay with it. So I bought chocolates and noodles, just like she likes them.
Don't know what more to say on the matter, plus I can't really ask about what you wanna hear because I'm gonna delete this, so I'm moving on. I changed slightly the page because I want it to be just like the journal Miss Sunshine saw when she dreamt it. So the font is different now. Like I said in the dream: I remember everything. [redacted], [redacted], [redacted] all that. *************************
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Anyway that was it for now, I'm gonna go because I'm way too hungry so it must be legit, plus dissociation is going wild and can't really focus right now. Goodbye.
- Hallu

18/2/2023

Hi!!! How are you guys doing? Me? Well pretty good actually, went out for a walk and had the sun on my face so that cheered me up a lot. You know, I was initially super nervous about showing my good side on here due to not wanting to appear weak, but you guys seem very nice and understanding so I'll let you see it. I'm overall doing a lot better these days and my mood has been lifted up. Maybe it's the carnival, maybe it's barbecue Thursday and clean Monday, who knows. The thing is that I'm better now.
So as a treat I decided to give you guys something! A review/tier list of all the forms I have taken throughout the last 16 years. I'm gonna give a quick summary of each onein terms of appeal, functionality and overall use, rate them 1-5 and then put them in a S-F tier. They are not that many, so don't expect too much variety. I'm gonna try to include as many as I can though. Anyway, let's start!

My first form is Miss Sunshine. That is, because alters in a very young age are not fully developed and differentiated and as an alter that split at the age of two, I was no exception. I was just Miss Sunshine but... Angrier! That was pretty much it!
I must admit, I don't think that I will ever take the form of a girl again, doesn't appeal to me plus it goes against my entire existence. I was meant to be a guy so being a girl again... Not really ideal. Functionality was pretty good to be honest, the anger was super necessary for our survival, that's why the subconscious decided to keep it. That's why I'm still explosive! Because this function was very much needed! As for overall use, I believe that it did well its job, though not great. Then again, it was because nobody tried to help us so things became worse but the anger sure brought everyone in a safer state today. I'm gonna put a 1 for appeal, 3 for functionality and a 4 for overall use. So that's a total rate of around three! Not bad, but not great. Could have been some improvements... I must admit that it's my least favourite, but it's too good for F tier so D tier it is.

Next up is the childhood monster Miss Sunshine used to play with when she was little. She didn't like me because I was a monster (duh!) and it was around that time I met Rin. Around 6 years old I think? Maybe. My form was very fluid though so it kept changing every few months.
That was a decent form, to be honest. It was very fluid though so I didn't exactly get attached to it that much. It was just its thing. Don't really miss it. It's functionality was good, I was meant to keep Miss Sunshine from finding out so scaring her seemed the best. And it worked, she thought that I was an imaginary friend. So there's that. I'm gonna give it a 2 for appeal, 4 for functionality and 3 for overall use!! So that makes it a total of 3! Well it's better than the last one, so C tier it is.

Continuing with Dian from Jewelpet. "That Dian? But he's just a little kitty cat, you said you wanted to scare Miss Sunshine, how is Dian supposed to-" Oh, excuse me, I was wrong! I meant DARK Dian, my bad. The one with the fangs and claws.
I must admit, Dian was a great one. He has so his original and his dark form, heck he even has a human form too!!! You can do so many things with him! Fun piece of trivia, I chose this form because I saw an episode of Jewelpet with Miss Sunshine where Dian becomes Dark Dian and he was defeating the other jewelpets! But parents walked in (they don't like the anime) and Miss Sunshine was forced to change the channel so she didn't see him getting defeated. So all she saw was a giant Dian winning over the other jewelpets. That of course in a 8 year old screams "wow, this guy is so strong, I wish I could be like that" so I took the form. It was a great form, it combined things from the last two in terms of strength AND scaring Miss Sunshine away. It was the great combo honestly. This guy had a lot of untapped potential, because I only used one of his 3 forms, without the magic! 4 for appeal, 5 for functionality, 4 for overall use. That makes it a total of around 4. Definitely an A tier, would be an S if I used it to its full potential.

Them it's the shadow wolf one. The one Miss Sunshine talks about. Just a shadow wolf, nothing more. Okay, I was also a bit monstrous looking, so Miss Sunshine gave me the name of "the beast/the monster/ my dark side" My first name. How cool.
I must admit in terms of functionality, this form is TERRIBLE! I couldn't even move the body, due to the fact that I was a wolf in the mind of a human. I lost my ability to speak so I could just growl and whine. BUT because of that, 13 year old Miss Sunshine feared me waaaaayyy more so she didn't look into the cause. Exactly what I wanted. Also it may did nothing useful but it's such a GOOD form for letting out frustrations. I still used it even after I changed again, I only dropped it because I started accepting my regression and using it as a self soothing technique. Needless to say I like this form A LOT! Overall it did great and it was a really great way to do my job. 5 for appeal, 1 for functionality and 3 for overall use. That sums it up to a total of 3. A tier!

And now, my current form! This one is actually fairly recent, only 6 months old. That's right! I changed because Miss Sunshine kept trying to dig up memories of CSA and I didn't like that. So I needed a new form yet again. You see, I change forms when the last one isn't as scary anymore so I had to think quick. What does Miss Sunshine hate? Something that see fears when she looks at because it reminds her of things... Hmmm... AHA! Mastermind Ishimaru from MissWannabeDontLook.html it is! Did that, gave myself the name "Hallu" and was good to go. Fun fact, my original name was supposed to be "Deepie/DP" from DPDR but it sounded way too stupid. If you are surprised....... Why? No really, why? Didn't you read MissWannabeDontLook.txt back in the day? It was there!
I'm telling you, this form does WONDERS! I experienced the blessing of having hands so I can literally do anything now. For real this form is just SO GOOD, I cannot put it in words. If you wanna know how much damage it did... She was so close on not saying ANYTHING to ANYONE. She would get diagnosed with schizophrenia if only KURO DIDN'T SNITCH, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! I'm not mad now though... Miss Sunshine is dealing with emotional flashbacks now, of the shit that I did to her! :D :P Again, I was a major dick pre aripripazole so I've changed a lot since then. 5 for appeal, 5 for functionality, 5 for overall damage! Just a big 5! S tier.

And that's it, that's all the forms I've had. You know, I really don't know if I should change again or just stay the same. Because I associate this form with bad stuff but at the same time, I told myself that if Miss Sunshine ever finds out the truth, I'm not gonna change because what's the point? Also if you're gonna call me a fictive... Don't! Please don't I'm not one. I change forms like jackets, nothing means anything to me, I could just change right now if I saw the reason to. I have no stable sense of identity so how I present myself as doesn't matter. I just LOOK like mastermind Ishimaru, I am NOT him. We have nothing in common. Man that's why I don't like it when the others say things like "OMG I CHANGED FORMS!!!!11!!1!" and they just changed their clothes and put some horns and wings on them. Yes I'm talking about YOU, Professor and Kuro!
Anyway, here's my review/tier list, take it and vibe with it, I'm just gonna leave you with this, now go do what you want.
- Hallu
Edit: Look what I found, it's such a wholesome video!

21/3/2023

This is Miss Sunshine fronting!! Hallu wrote this a few days back for his diary but he didn't publish it then because I was paranoid!! Well, now I'm better but I'm burnt out as hell so I'm gonna paste this I guess!! Also to Hallu, don't worry, I didn't read anything!!

19/3/2023

Writing in English because I want Miss Sunshine to copypaste this on Neocities... Currently writing this in Obsidian.md, someone recommended it to Miss Sunshine and oh my god, whoever you are I love you! I've always wanted a diary in markdown!
Wow, it's been more than a month since last time I wrote here? How nice! Not that I dislike Neocities but I'm more used to hang around in the headspace. It helps me relax. Not that I didn't front for a month, I actually did front and the reason made me super pissed. Let's say that Miss Sunshine is triggering herself again by reading someone's diary or whatever the fuck, while SHE KNOWS this shit is triggering. Like bitch you're living with me, I don't wanna front and have shit like that be the first thing I bestow my eyes upon. FUCK!!!
Anyway, I'm not gonna focus on that. One thing I wanted to say though is just a deep dive into my gender and sexuality. I say that because Miss Sunshine showed X1 my diary and she went "Wait, is Hallu gay?" (Probably from the "Do my gay little computers nake you mad?"). So I feel like I need to explain a little.
First of all, the text. I got this text from here! If you go to the profile's comments you'll see the text along with the cat gif. Etoisle's work on the backrooms is really good with many of us loving ze levels, entities, entries, all that. Level 404 is Kuro's and Miss Sunshine's favourite, with the next being level 0. Both are made from ze. Miss Sunshine loves ze and she wants to make entries like that, so... Put that here!
As for me, well... I'm pretty straight. Or as both me and Miss Sunshine call myself "a fucked up cishet". Fucked up because despite being a man, I would easily wear a dress and I would easily fuck a man. I'm straight though because I'm just re-enacting trauma. That's all the meaning there is behind my behaviour. Nothing more. I feel nothing when doing this I don't find men attractive that way, I feel pretty much nothing so to me I'm just... Pretty straight. That means that I'm attracted to women right? I guess? I like Miss Sunshine but aside from her, I don't feel anything towards anybody. Does that make me asexual? Well I'm gonna say no because to me, sexuality is unchangeable and I personally believe that with trauma therapy my views will change so for that... I'm a fucked up cishet. That's what I was meant to be when I split, that's what I am.
Speaking of fucked up there's also another thing that I wanted to say today. Alters being messed up and all. I feel like I should say this right now, don't fall for what Miss Sunshine is selling you, she's actually really ashamed of me. I'm just the alter that nobody wants to talk about. Because I'm not "romanticisable"! I can't be "uwufied" I can't be made into this tiny little goofball so she's just ashamed of me. A lot actually. Because I'm someone who isn't what she wanted. Because I'm "unlikable". But that's the thing! Alters will not be likeable! They will not fit your perfect little box, ESPECIALLY if said alters are persecutors. Not everything is cupcakes and rainbows and she must understand it. Everyone must. I'm the result if a trauma based DISORDER! DID and OSDD are DISORDERS! Systems aren't made to be quirky (ew endos!) they are the result of a PROBLEM! And as soon as people understand it, the better it will be for everyone!
Not everything is going to be black and white though. Nobody in the system is perfect. I'm not perfect. Miss Sunshine isn't perfect. We're all here beating eachother. Bet you didn't know that. Or, me and Miss Wannabe are modelled after the Nightmare Guy. My current form is not picked at random, it is merely calculated. Bet you didn't know that either! (For the record, when me or Miss Sunshine bring those 5 months of hell up, it's not to blame eachother. We did both inexplicable things one to another. It still happens. For example, yesterday Miss Sunshine went to the house of one of our abusers so that I wouldn't talk to her. Or for example, me when I keep relapsing and being a dick to others because I find it entertaining. Mutual fuckups are a thing you know.)
Same goes for me. I'm not all good, however I'm not all bad. My favourite music genre is raggacore. However, my second favourite is music like this, this and this. Gonna blame it for growing up with Nancy. I like physical affection. I will give gifts to everyone that makes me pleased. I have manners. I try to be kind. I aspire to become a better person. I'm not great yet I'm not the child of Satan. I'm just a human, with human traits and human flaws. Best thing I can do is work on them.
Whatever that's all I had to say for now. Thank you for coming to my TED talk. It was a long post. I currently feel Miss Sunshine's paranoia so idk when she'll publish this. Maybe next session. I don't really know. Anyways, that was it thanks for reading.
- Hallu

30/3/2023

When you see a shit take that is so bad, you yeet Miss Sunshine out of the front and you're still fronting after the body slept because of anger... Yeah, I'm pissed!!! I'll stop fronting when I'll calm down. Eventually...
I'm sorry, let me swear a little to get it out of my chest: ΒΛΆΚΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΑΑ!!!
Dude, nobody tells me what to do, if you find someone shit, your problem, not mine! Like our lovely sister said "Just because something happened to YOU, doesn't mean that you should generalise it to everyone"! Couldn't say that better myself! Like dude, nobody cares if you have a reason for being a dick, it's a shit take and it will stay as such, don't tell me what to do!!!!!! FUCK!
ANYWAY! I'm not here for that. I'm here to say: Someone's in gay love with me! Doesn't matter what their gender is, our love is gay! Someone is archiving the profile and the website with a burning passion, someone's in love with me! I must say, the constant archival of the profile is a little stress inducing (a little less please) but that's what you get for being on Neocities I guess??
But why us? Why us in particular? Nobody else is being archived that much. Should we be scared? (For the record if we become too stressed out I'm deleting the website!) But again, why us? What's so special about us? I don't know. Wish I did.
Another anyway. Made myself known to our sister yesterday. Took so long because when Miss Sunshine asked her if she wanted to know she said no. But I said "fuck it" yesterday so I made my presence known. Turns out she does want to know, it's just that she doesn't wanna get confused. But eh, as the gatekeeper, I told her that only a few will front so it's fine. We talked about the shit take, being a persecutor, meds and then we ordered some burgers. She said that my voice is "calmer and not like a high pitched scream" and that I'm oddly calm and that she expected me to be more aggressive. Well... 1) Abilify my beloved and 2) she's not as I call it, my "person of interest"! I become aggressive towards Miss Sunshine because Miss Sunshine is the host, so aside from her I'm pretty chill! She didn't really get why I'm a persecutor and all that but it's fine. Overall we got along so I'm happy for that!
To sum up, I got a little angry last night and fronted, someone's in gay love with me and I got along with our sister. So aside from the first one things were pretty good!
- Hallu