Miss Wannabe Don't Look

WARNING: this file can occasionally contain strong loud and maybe even disturbing music, be careful when pressing play!!

1/9/2022
10:06: Guys I fucked up big time!! Yesterday I told my therapist about the fact that Professor tolds me to lie in order to hide some things... And she didn't like it!! She asked me if Professor is really that good if he keeps telling me to lie, and I was like "no, no, he's good"!! I mean he helped me back in June!! She didn't see it that way though!! So then I came back, Professor learnt about it, and holy cow, he didn't take it well AT ALL!! Had to intuitive write the angriest entry of all time, and then he started yelling at me for the rest of the day!! And then some kids started screaming from outside, tried to close the window, dad argued with me about it, he opened it again, and from the voices outside and inside, I just had an emotional flashback, because of course!! And I didn't know I was having one until it went away, because they do be like that!! Gotta love how I'm like "oh I'm not valid" and then experience flashbacks that have me on the floor!! Hell yeah!! I wish I could vent more, but I don't want to make him angrier!! I know he said that "I don't trust you at all anymore, no matter what you do" so I guess I can do whatever because he won't trust me again, but I'm also scared af, so I think that I'll have to keep my mouth shut!!
10:30: My therapist also said that she wants to read people's entries... Guess I'll have to endure Professor writing "kys" everyday...
10:32: It's also now autumn!! Who the hell likes autumn?? It's the worst season of the year, I hate it so much!!

4/9/2022
23:53: I just watched Doctor Strange and oh god I LOVED IIIITTTT!! One of the greatest superheroes by far, I wanna see the other movies as well!! Just... Mwah!! There's something about Marvel right now, that makes me wanna watch those movies in particular!! Maybe it's because I am literally UNABLE to enjoy most movies out there at this point, and Marvel is the only thing that I can watch that gives me the happy chemical!! I literally wanna watch ONLY superhero movies right now!!
23:57: Also escapism!! These days I get really strong urge for escapism and overall with this I feel like I'm getting some!! This is literally the reason why I liked Jewelpet so much and my whole childhood imagination was me defeating bad guys and monsters with my toys!! Why be in a boring room that nobody gives you attention when you can just control the entire universe!! You understand??
23:58: Also as someone who got cursed with the ability to see behind the scenes, that's why I loved this movie so much because I'm like "oh the editor and cameraman did such a nice job my eyes are entertained"!! The NY scene reminded me of Cyriak, except that this movie is more "rectangular" while Cyriak is more "round and wobbly"!!
23:59: Astral projection?? Nah, I can do better!! I dissociate to the point of entire identity changes!!

6/9/2022
17:35: Do you ever have every relapse at the same time, while your brain keeps telling you about how you'll never be normal and you're just weird and alien??
17:36: I need to cease existence!! I don't wanna die, I just don't wanna exist, I don't wanna have a brain anyone, I wanna stop having literally any type of thought!! Stop it stop it stop it stop, it hurts!! It hurts!! IT HUUURRRRTTTTSS!!
22:03: The biggest type of pain is knowing that I'll wake up tomorrow the same way I'm sleeping right now!! God I hope I don't wake up in the middle of the night heavy breathing again, I need sleep!!

7/9/2022
11:00: Stage 3 PMS (well... 4 if I realised it, but let's say stage 3), sleep deprivation, severe hypervigilance, anxiety, constant depersonalisation/derealisation AND dissociative seizures now?? Damn brain, you really shouldn't have!!
11:47: You know, these days I was wondering why I am unable to make some progress in therapy!! I'm not saying I'm not doing any progress at all, in fact, my therapist said that I'm doing really well, but in some other areas, it's always like it's the first session!! And I was wondering about that!! And just now I learned that I'm having seizures and how they are called!! It's not epilepsy because I did an EEG back in the day, and everything seemed normal!! But now I learned that they're called dissociative seizures and the reason why they happen is... Not good!! So I did some self convo again and asked "Myself, are you safe??" The answer was no!!!! There's the answer, how am I supposed to make any progress when I'm constantly surrounded by people and things that do not even make me feel the most basic human need?? Goddamn, I need to get out of this house!!
14:54: I just hate that abusers have THE AUDACITY to play victim to you and act like they "oh so don't know why you're that aggressive"!! No mf, you're gonna stand TALL AND PROUD of what you're doing, nobody believes your bs!!
14:56: I was at my literature private lessons today, and I felt a little cold so my body did that spasm thing, and I smashed my arm on accident!! I was expecting this happening since I was 5, well 13 years later, it finally happened, what I was suspecting to be right was indeed right, ow!!
17:52: Now if you excuse me, I'm gonna go into the abyss!!
22:49: I cried both yesterday and today, thank god it lifts up your mood!! Trust me, as someone who is literally unable to feel emotions properly, you must drive me ON EDGE, to make me physically cry!! The problem is not that I cry, the problem is when that won't work anymore and my brain will run out of ways to cope!!

8/9/2022
8:23: Bro okay, this is seriously not funny anymore!! It's not funny!! I am sleep deprived and so mentally unwell, to the point I'm becoming insane, and all that because period said "lmao, that's funny"!! Bro, yesterday I was one step before hurting myself because my mind keeps saying "lul"!! Girl this is so not funny, I'm seriously on edge!! If you're gonna fuck up my life at least make it known, don't make me figure it out a billion years later!!
13:27: Thank god grounding still works!! It may not work all the time, but it still works!!
13:30: I just remembered when back in elementary school, I had this awesome friend that wer would talk together all the time, and one day she told me about her father... Neither of us paid attention to the gravity of the situation, but oh god, if you see this, I need to tell you that your father was really abusive!! If anything more happened during the years... I really hope that you're okay right now!! I wish that we could talk again, I still have all your gifts!!
13:32: This made me realise my own behavioural problems as a kid!! I was always so... angry!! Everyone around me knew that!! I was overall okay, but I really had some anger issues!! And now that this whole trauma thing got brought up again, and so did the issues... I am both surprised and not surprised at all!! I can manage them though, so that's a good thing!!
15:58: Do your dreams sometimes have cannibalism in them for no reason, or are you normal??
15:59: My life goal is to make you hate the guy above!! When I'll finally achieve that, I'll be so happy!! No seriously, I hate him with a burning passion!! Just because his name is Taka doesn't mean I have to like him!! I like the other ones, but him?? He can go eat dirt!!

13/9/2022
8:41: When you wake up, you must call this man "κλασομπανιέρα" for luck, health and prosperity!!
8:43: ΚΛΑΣΟΜΠΑΝΙΈΡΑ!!
8:44: I just woke up in a roasting mood, shut up!!
8:45: Also, 7 LIKES?? You guys actually wanna hear?? Damn, okay, I will do it when I'll come back from my private lessons, and that will be....... At 1PM, oh my god!! It's still 8, and I have to start getting ready at 9... Oh jeez!!
8:47: Gotta love how I was complaining about doing a lesson for 1 hour and a half straight last year!! Guess what, you now have them for 2 HOURS AND 15 MINUTES, STFU!!
8:50: At least no school though!! It started yesterday, and omg, it made me wanna scream and puke, I'm seriously not gonna miss it!!
18:08: YOU'VE STUNTED EVERYTHING MOTHERFUCKER!! EVERYTHING!! YOU'VE STUNTED IT ALL, I HATE YOU!! WISH I COULD BANG YOU AGAINST THE WALL TILL YOU FUCKING DIE RIGHT NOW!! ΗΛΊΘΙΕ!!
18:41: "Are you okay??" No, but you're not smart enough for this conversation!! Stop asking!!
19:35: Also... Got a USB from Helexpo, Asobu, I'm coming for you!! Remember when I used to like her?? Lol, ew!!
22:38: Bro, fr, I can't everytime I see this guy!! There's this raging wildfire going off when I see him!! I just can't help myself but physically show my teeth and growl like an animal!! Like, gosh, I hate you so much, I'd bite you and tear you apart like an animal if I could!! I just... I'm fucked, I'm fucked up, you fucked up everything, this is all your fault!!

14/9/2022
9:18: This is the mood I woke up with today!! I'll literally go ballistic for no reason, and I'm actually NOT angry!! Just wanna fight god!!
9:19: I really wanna study, but my brain keeps having terrible headaches!! Please brain, let me study, I wanna pass this year!!
9:23: 2000 pixels?? Goddamn, I almost had a stroke!! Anyway, off to study now!!
11:53: I need to daydream of better places...
19:41: This is just... It's just autumn 2021 v2.0, it makes me sick!! I don't wanna do this again, I'm sick of it!!
19:43: Guess I need to swallow my pride and ego for this... It's unbearable and annoying af, but I SERIOUSLY don't want to live the same thing as last year, oh god no!!
19:46: Me and Professor have been also arguing for three days straight, I don't care at this point, I'm gonna convince him to do what I want!! I know that this is hard for you, and I don't like being mean, but I AM NOT living this again!! You're gonna swallow your ego and your good public image and just say everything!! I know it's hard, I wanna be nice, but I seriously DON'T CARE!! If you want me to pass this year, you'll have to say everything and be done with it!! I know that you believe that they'll throw us in a mental hospital or in jail, but honestly, if you're going there, I'm gonna throw a tantrum on why it's us and not people like our neighbors!! Nobody is gonna send you to jail over intrusive thoughts, jeez!! And trust me, with compulsions and a mental health like yours, you'll probably go to the phych ward ANYWAY!! So stop giving a shit and just let it out!!
19:55: "Why do you want bandages??" To break a rule or cosplay a mummy, I'll decide in the car!!
20:02: *me talking about how I wanna yeet any contact with my previous classmates* "No, don't do that, that shows hatred towards them!!" GOOD!! I WANT THEM TO GET FUCKED BY A CACTUS, I HATE THEM!!
20:04: Song I would put in this file right now, but the current song with this image is goofy af so I wanna keep that!!
20:05: Hid the previous entries because I don't want you to scroll all the way through!! Btw, this file has its 1 month birthday today, yaaasss!!
21:01: My favourite show is coming to an end and idk they will ever replay it, please, my tormented soul needs something to latch onto and get a break from this godforsaken life for once!!
22:13: If someone offered me a hundred dollars just to squish this guy like a stressball, I would decline!! I'M DOING THIS FOR FREE, THIS IS FROM PURE ENJOYMENT!!
22:14: Anyway, I watched "Saint Young Men"!! It's the mental equivalent of eating soup during a cold winter day I love it!!

15/9/2022
8:23: God, I remember when my classmates said they wanna go to the military!! I can't help but laugh internally each time!! I wanna laugh, I wanna crawl into a ball, I wanna roll on the ground, I wanna kick my arms and feet, I wanna cry laughing!! Not any hate on you bro, I just hope that this is something that you REALLY want!!
8:29: I just remembered that this is obligatory in Greece!! Thank god I'm a girl!! (What happens when you're a trans man?? A trans woman?? What do you do in that situation, hmmmm... Can't remember what dad said, but idk if he answered that!!)
8:32: "Isn't your dad in the military??" That's why I'm laughing, because he is!! I know firsthand the experience of living with someone that works there!!
8:35: *looks at the picture* *look at the entries* Damn!! I really do have daddy issues!!
12:47: So my teachers are calling me "Katherine" by mistake, and I actually kinda liked it!! I was gonna make my online name Katherine now, but as I was about to ask you about it, a voice in my head said "No, don't do that, Katherine is MY name"!! So uuuuuhhh... I guess it's not gonna be Katherine!!
15:02: You know, I really don't know if I wanna keep trying to find and integrate my parts anymore!! Yes it's self hate and self hate is no good, but at this point I see them as friends!! They are my friends, and they'll protect me!! That's what Miss Wannabe does!!
15:05: You know, I don't think any of this is gonna get better!! Maybe I should wait until my 30s when it'll be bad enough to get noticed!! Until then I should probably think about my dream house!!
15:07: No, I should thinking like that, no!! I need to stop thinking about this!!

19/9/2022
17:44: Professor said that he is willing to let me finally talk about OCD in therapy!! I'm just thinking about the fact that in two days I'll have to walk in there and be like "hey, remember all those times you mentioned OCD and I was like "what, no"?? Well one of my parts was afraid as hell, we may start talking about it again"!! God it will be weird!!
17:47: When my psychiatrist described me as neurotic back in 2020, I thought that he meant that I was a little anxious, not that I would discover so many mental illnesses 1/2 years later!!
17:50 Shout out to all you as well though, I don't think that he would do anything if my pOCD post didn't a positive reaction!! So... Thanks!! You're all awesome!!
17:52: Overall, things are going pretty well these days!! I've nailed to keep myself on the happier side!! I feel like I'm making progress that I didn't last year, and it's still September!! I have a good feeling about this!!
17:57: Bro, someone followed my secondary Tumblr and omg, I looked at the likes and saw this guy AND FELT RAGE!! Okay, typical mastermind Taka fan behaviour aside (I really recommend avoiding mastermind Taka fans (ESPECIALLY THE ISHIMONDO SHIPPERS), don't look at me being all nice and bubbly, they are straight up romanticising abuse, I hate all of them) everytime I see pictures of the guy above, I feel RAGE!! You think I'm joking when I say I genuinely hate this guy with a burning passion!! I'm dead serious, everytime I see this guy, I hear a voice in my head say "KILL, KILL, KILL"!! It doesn't even say it, it's freaking SCREAMING IN A DEMONIC VOICE AND GROWLING AND HEAVY BREATHING!! Everytime I see him, I wanna scream and growl like a dog and show my teeth and throw a tantrum and break something and bite aggressively my pillow and puke!! It's like someone gave me an adrenaline shot, my breathing changes, my eyes are wide open, all my muscles stiffen, like, I WILL FIGHT!! I'LL FIGHT GOD AND EVERYTHING HE CONTROLS!!
18:16: Basically I become Miss Wannabe's average mood!! I know it's the cPTSD rage, but I'm not sure if I wanna know WHY it's the cPTSD rage!!
18:18: I should stop calling him mastermind Taka!! That should be for the other versions, I should start calling him mastermind Ishimaru!! "Isn't that Taka's last name, what's the difference??" Very big my friend!! You see, the name Taka has both a sound and a colour!! It may be a little aggressive red, but the sound is something like a "TING!" A little vibrato, a little echo, it's kinda playful!! Kiyotaka doesn't have a sound, but it has a brown colour!! Which is a little "eh"!! Ishimaru though is pure freaking HELL!! It doesn't have a colour but it sounds like a deep demonic voice saying "uuuuuhhh"!! And you know what, it absolutely fits!! Because this guy's sound fits so perfectly!! Have you guys ever pressed the lowest note on a piano?? The one that sounds like a demon screech and makes you wonder why it's there in the first place?? Yeah, that's pretty much how he sounds like!! Except that in the piano, it stops after a while!! This just KEEPS GOING!! God, I really wish I could record it in my keyboard and show you right now, but the cord broke (dad we all know it's you) and I can't!!!! Aaaahhh!!
18:38: Honestly, even if I don't know why I hate him, I know that he's OBJECTIVELY bad!! My body and my brain chemistry hates him, even my parts hate him!! Nobody knows who this guy even is or what he's done, but we all hate him!! Even my synesthesia is against him!! Like bro, you must be a real douche to have EVEN MY SYNESTHESIA against you!! I hate him, you hate him, we all hate him!! In fact, I'm gonna go and make a meme with all this anger, that's how much I hate him!! What personality does this fuck give to you?? A nice (or at least likeable) one?? NO!!
18:45:
God, please be gentle with me when the memories resurface, this is not normal!!
20:49:
The fact that this is accidentally bold makes it so much funnier!! What if I made it goofier though??

A two day mental breakdown!! :) 28/9/2022
17:40: What's up everybody, I feel like absolute shit!! :D The only reason I'm saying this with such confidence is because I know none of you will see this, so it doesn't matter!! I wrote in my diary and deleted the update notification, so I'm free to vent!!
17:42: "You should be more in touch with your emotions??" How about they shut the hell up instead, I feel absolute depersonalisation all day and all night, I didn't consent to this shit!! Maybe my emotions should stop being little whiney bitches, you know what I mean??
17:47: Take a low quality song, you would get aggressive earrape, but I decided to spare you!!
18:00: Nah, I won't spare you, I changed my mind!! Also credited the pic because uncredited art is SoOoOo UnCoOl!! Also 666×666 hehehe!!
18:21: Ngl, dude's kinda intimidating now, but I made a new rule, if it's square, it must be 666×666!! Trust me, after s/h this picture gives A WHOLE NEW MEANING!!
18:26: Take this!! (Bro, when winter comes I'm gonna wipe everything, autumn is just a shitty season, IT'S A FACT!!)
18:42: OKAY, HOLD UP, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS!! So you know how I hate this guy, right?? Well there's this one family member that I'm avoiding and after months, he came over again and oh my god, HE GIVES ME THE SAME EXACT RAGE!! Not as intense as this guy, BUT IT'S THE SAME RAGE!! OH MY GOD!!
18:46: *looks at the picture* *hears family member because (IF CAN AVOID, I AVOID)* ... NOPE, NO, NAH, NO!! NO NO NO NO NO!!
18:49: Anyways, gonna go study now!!
19:37: "I'm normal!!" *studies while having that picture fullscreen, this song in the background, while giggling aggressively*
19:43: *looks at feed* Some of y'all REALLY make me consider deleting the website!!
19:52: When you wanna vent but you don't wanna do it publicly so you delete the update notification and write in silence... Actually like it though, it's the equivalent of feeling stressed and going in the bathroom!! It's just that the bathroom is kinda like my safe space!! Just silence, me and my thoughts, nobody comes to talk to me, and I'm not forced to interact with anyone!! I know, weird, but then again, I feel comfort from the sounds of a machine, it's not my fault that my brain decided to have attachment issues!!
20:14: Oh gosh, 3/10 is this Monday, AAA-!!

29/9/2022
6:57: I woke up AGAIN!! It's a whole week at this point, I wanna go to bed and STAY in bed!! I can't keep being like this, it makes me insane!! At least give me something fun to wake up about (PISSING DOES NOT COUNT), I can't take this anymore!! At least I woke up at 6:40 and it's not like 4 AM!!
6:59: Since yesterday's s/h session, I thought that I would feel better, but turns out I feel EXACTLY the same!! Only difference though is that I went berserk EVERYWHERE, so now I'm out of space!! What do I do, what do I do?? Do I do something else?? I wanna cvt though!! Guess I'll try and find some space, I can't, I can't be like this!!
7:03: It's always THIS SPECIFIC PERIOD when I relapse!! End of September/Start of October, IT'S ALWAYS THEN!! WHY??
7:05: Feels like I'm gonna hide today's update as well, huh!! I'm sorry guys but I don't want you to see this!! It's just that I have nowhere else to go so I just stay here... But I'm really not in the mood to talk right now, I'm sorry!!
11:10: No, I need you guys to understand!! During this current breakdown, I cry and feel awful, but the next moment I'm like "el wiwi"!!
11:57: *realisation* .... .... I.... I really need that hysterectomy right now, this is seriously not funny!! All of this pain, all the s/h, all the suffering... Just for it to be a stage 2 & 3... I can't... I can't keep LIVING like this!! It makes me mad, this is seriously not funny right now!!
12:12: No you know what, I'm not going to delete the notification today!! Y'all need to see this!! YOU NEED TO SEE THIS!! This is what I have to go through!! This is why I need that goddamn diagnosis so bad!! It's not that I want to grab attention or anything!! It's just that I have to live this every month, and then end up with a sliced arm with no idea of what's happening!! Fyi, this is the 3rd time cvtting... IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!! I'm not someone who does it that easily, I must be driven ON EDGE, to end up like this!! I haven't done it since March, I must go INSANE to do it!! This is not normal!! I need that damn diagnosis, I NEED to do something about it!!
12:21: Now you wonder why should you care?? Well, that's a good question!! The thing is that when I'm like this I TARGET some of you!! So far I haven't outright fought with you and remained passive aggressive, BUT WHAT IF I BECOME AGGRESSIVE AGGRESSIVE?? LIKE THIS IS NOT NORMAL!! How am I supposed to manage the problem, when I CAN'T EVEN IDENTIFY IT?? You understand??


19:57: Okay, the mental breakdown is kinda over now so that's good!! Imma start posting publicly again, though let's say I'm gonna start interacting again tomorrow because now it's 8PM and I'm too tired after crying and being aggressive all day but yeah, tired and lazy!! And I was rethinking my whole life and I remembered all those times I was forced to either hug and touch family members, or the opposite, despite me being pissed about it and saying "no"!! Not in the sexual way but like... Is this normal?? No seriously, is this normal?? Has anyone else experienced this?? I seriously need you to answer this, someone said "no" and since then I'm questioning everything!! Like, please someone tell me I'm so confused about everything right now!! I need to know!! I seriously need to know!! I need to know for multiple reasons!! Just... I just need an answer to all of this, please someone help!! I would ask this on my profile, but I know that it's triggering and all that so I post it here!! ..... I just want to make sense of my life!!
21:53: God I'm so annoying!!

1/10/2022
10:05 It is October my dudes!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
10:08: It's been so many days when I wake up in the middle of the night to go piss, the blood in my veins must be cleaner than god's at this point!! Mom said that it's because I'm cold and I said something "whoah, you can be cold, without actually feeling any kind of it??" She now wonders if I'm actually sick!! Damn, my overall health be so fine!! My skin is in a bad condition, I sleep less because I keep waking up in the middle of the night (plus LITERALLY ALL my mental illnesses), I dissociate more as a result of this and as a result of PMS (Trust me, PMS worsening dissociation is HELLISH, back in August I was in the bus on our way to Bosnia Herzegovina, and me having dissociation issues, now worsened from this, along with the highway hypnosis, along with my maladaptive daydreaming was SO BAD, I physically wanted to throw up and had to lay myself down!!), and this overall lack of sleep just makes me depersonalise more!! I'm just... I'm just getting through this!! My emotional state is getting better though, I woke up and so far I feel... Pretty good!! Until yesterday I was just like "yeah no, I'm actually not feeling well", but today I am, I'm kinda happy about this!! That makes me wonder though... Is September or October more cursed?? Because September just makes you espresso depresso (especially in the end) but October has 3/10!! Like... Idk!!
10:35: 3/10 is actually so bad IT'S ACTUALLY COMPETING with my first nightmare!! It's THE THING that made me like this today!! After experiencing this, my mental health went downhill and became like spoiled milk!! But at the same time, it's the thing that made me get help and get diagnosed!! I have mixed feelings about it!! Just kidding I HATE IT!!
10:42: It also falls on Monday!! Not that important to you, but here's something interesting!! On Monday I don't have private lessons!! So it's Saturday, Sunday, Monday... I think that the universe is trying to tell me that school and 3/10 should just not be together!! It's the third year in a row, there must be some meaning to it!!
10:45: Me: Wow!! This song and this picture just fit so much!! Especially the end, it's like you connected puzzle pieces, whoah!!
The end: "You're, you're nothing!! You think that you can cure fucking something but you're fucking NOTHING!! You're impure, you're a {???}, oooohh!! I wanna fuck you so bad, {???}!!"
Me: ... Okay, cheers to that I guess!!
10:52: What would you think that your dream superpower be?? Like, there are SO MANY DREAMS when I would get stressed and transform into the guy above, it's unreal!! I started daydreaming about how we would all go into the dream realm, with everyone having different superpowers based on what they dream, and this one is mine!! Like... What's yours, what kind of dreams do you have, I'm curious!!
10:57: Should I change the background colour based on what month it is, hmmmmm...
11:03: Neocities Mutual: "Damn, you transform into this guy when you sleep, what badass things you do in your dreams??" Me: "The things I do I my dreams..."
11:15: Wanting people to treat my page like it's some deep web mystery cryptic kind of page with multiple videos about it, while being too socially anxious to let Google even index it.... Hi, my name is Miss Sunshine, and my life is... kinda weird!!

3/10/2022
9:45: GUYS, WE MADE IT, YEEEESSSS!!
9:46: I mean yes, I'm sleep deprived and everything is still going downhill, but it's NOT THAT!!
9:47: Ah, this day!! The symbol of my mental health!! It all started this day!!

Idk why I keep writing this, but the same time I don't have anywhere else to write it, so uuuuuhhh??
12:54: When you keep saying "my blood is purer than god's, look at me" and flexing it, and turns out... Cystitis!! Wow, body!! Just wow!!
12:56: Yesterday mom gave me a box of antibiotics... I took one yesterday ayone today, it's literally the worst thing my tongue has ever had contact with, I'd literally rather eat my own sh¡t, it literally tastes like vomit, but oh god I'll keep taking them without hesitation!! Why?? Because it's the THIRD week in a row I'm like this, I've ended up waking up 3 times every night because of this, my quality of sleep is non existent, I don't even have dark circles anymore!! I have the endless black pit under my eyes, that's how terrible my sleep is!! At least I'll finally be able to sleep without any interruptions!! I WANT MY UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP BACK GODDAMMIT!!
13:01: (please, PLEASE read this in the most dramatic voice your head can make!!) And now I read that the thing causing this are those E. Coli organisms... Why?? Why E. Coli, why?? I thought that we had ourselves a deal!! You give me the K2 vitamin, I give you my gut!! I thought that everything was okay, why are you backstabbing me like that?? How dare you treat your friends like that?? Is this what am I to you?? I feel so hurt!! *fake tears*
13:06: LMAO, wtf am I doing with this file??
13:09: Top 10 Anime Betrayals: Me And My Own Gut!!
13:14: Friendship ENDED with this guy, now sleep deprivation is my friend!!


13:15: I heard some music from outside and this song came to mind, here, take it!! Ah!! My first ever breakcore song!!
18:58: Me: "I haven't touched my physical diary in months!!" *writes a four page entry about how I'm bored with my current one and I just wanna finish it and go to the next one*
19:00: Btw, did you know that this year I actually closed 11 years of journaling?? Wow!! That's a whole lot!! Having a diary since I was 7, wow!!

5/10/2022
8:42: That moment when you say to yourself that autumn 2022 was gonna be a good season but it's JUST AS SHITTY as the last one...
8:43: I can't I'm DEVASTATED!! AGAIN!! WHY DO I KEEP LIVING THIS HELL, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!

Insanity moment!!
8:49: Putting goreshit everywhere in hopes that Professor will talk to me again!! I don't know WHY, but I haven't heard anything from him since yesterday and I'm going CRAZY!! I need to talk to him RIGHT NOW!! I can't stand it when I'm not around him, I NEED HIM!! Call me psychotic, call me a schizo, call me WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT, I DON'T CARE!! First a terrible day, then anger outbursts at therapy AND NOW THIS?? WHY?? I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!
8:58: The worst is that I can't talk about it to anyone because I'm gonna get the "well maybe that means you don't need your imaginary friends anymore??" NO MF, IT MEANS I'LL EMOTIONALLY EAT AND STOP GETTING OUT OF BED!! ....I feel so shit!!
10:03: I feel that I should clarify, that I'm not only having a breakdown because of Professor!! It's literally EVERYTHING that's happening around me right now, and this was just my breaking point!! It's like a conflict, nobody has started it like that!! There's always reasons upon reasons and eventually you just burst!! It's like that!!


14:46: I keep dissociating so much, I'm suffering!! I'm just gonna wait a little bit until the PMS insanity is gone, and after that I'm gonna call my psychiatrist!! If I don't get an explanation on why this keeps happening, I'm GONNA THROW A TANTRUM!! I was planning on giving up on everything entirely, and maybe end it but I changed my mind because I'm TOO lazy to even do something like this!! I had a mental breakdown because I'm just living last year, but I'm gonna try to break the cycle!! I'm gonna throw myself in my studies and try to take this thing off my mind!! Because last year this made me ignore everything, at least this year I'd rather suffer while studying!!
14:55: Mastermind Ishimaru: Why?? Why do you keep having hope?? Why don't you just give up on everything and die already??
Me: My guy... *wears sunglasses* I'm just too much of a trainwreck to die!! *walks slowly towards the camera with explosions going off in the background*
19:22: Things science can't explain:
- Who we are
- The meaning of life
- Those darn stomachaches I've been feeling since I can remember!!!!
19:24: Younger me despised becoming a teen, because it thought I would get crazy and out of control!! Well, I have one thing to say: It's not true!! Most of the things you hear and think are not true, you will never experience them, don't worry!!

7/10/2022
8:13: COME OUT AND FIGHT ME!! FIGHT ME!! FIGHT ME LIKE A BIG MAN!! STOP GIVING ME NIGHTMARES, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!! WHO THE HELL EVEN ARE YOU??
8:14: Bro I swear, when I find out who you are, it's over!! It. is. fucking. OVER!!
8:16: ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE!!
8:32: Putting the picture back, because even though I love Professor, I need something to scream at!! I need to yell at something, scream at something, tear it apart inside my head something!! I feel like I'm gonna commit a felony, I'm seriously being pushed to my limit!!!!!
8:51: The picture is me on my way to kill god btw, I'm just filled with one thing right now, and that is RAGE!! Oooohhh I'm having sooooooo muuuuuuchhhhh fuuuuuuuuunnnn!!!
9:25: Okay, what are the good news though?? Well my cystitis is now gone (I'm now losing sleep and pissing due to cold!! :D Still a better experience than cystitis though)!! I also tried one of those instant cappuccinos that mom bought and I actually liked it!! The second coffee in my lifetime, lol!! The first one was... A few weeks ago, I forgot, when did my mental health start deteriorating?? (That sounds as if coffee ruins your mental health lol!! It does!! /j) Aside from that, yeah, not much!! Still better than nothing though!!
9:35: Never (and I mean NEVER) say that your mental health hit rock bottom, that's a really bad thing!! What, you want your brain to grab a Minecraft pickaxe and go hunt diamonds underground?? I don't think you want that!!
9:46: Nah, changed my mind, you're gonna hear to my eternal rage and Miss Wannabe's average mood!! You're gonna gear what I keep hearing all day inside my head, I'm changing the song!!
9:51: Ngl, the picture and the music combined really give the "I'm gonna commit a felony" a really nice flavour!!
12:40: If I see another one of those "introverts when" memes, somebody is gonna die, something ends with me!!!

10/10/2022
6:24: "Okay, what are the good news though?? Well my cystitis is now gone!!" It was in fact, NOT gone!! I'm still sleepless, someone help me!!
6:25: Bodies are literally so annoying though!! Like "I want this, and I want that"!! What about ME though?? I want the other this, and I want the other that!! Why can't it be my way??
6:28: And that's how I ended up having parts!! Yay!!
6:35: I'm pissed and it's the middle of the night so you know what that means!! *blasts breakcore*
6:37: "I get the weird feeling that many of you do not like this image!!" Neocities mutual: OMFG FINALLY!! "Gonna keep it though!!" Neocities mutual: AAAAHHH!!
6:39: Now that I said that... I'm kinda impressed with myself!! Because... You know how I look like, and that compared to what I write... Like you would think that I'm sane, but nah!! It's actually the mastermind Taka weirdo, how surprising!! Like sometimes even I get surprised at myself!!
9:06: I've finished writing in my journal, and it has to be one of the wildest entries I've written!! The way I start vs the way I finish are so different!! God, I feel much better now!! So good in fact, I've might even nailed to answer the question my therapist asked me and couldn't answer the whole week!! Just... WOW!! Also take the song "Calalini", it really describes my lows these days!! Hopefully I become more stable soon, so that I can talk to my psychiatrist, and be a little objective about things!!
9:13: I just love the fact that, whenever I put a creepy song, the picture just makes it 100 times creepier, it's like the ultimate combo!!
22:25: "But why do you have cPTSD, you're so young and beautiful for that!!" ✨eXaCtLy✨
22:27: Thinking of making a mental health crisis plan!! These days things keep hitting rock bottom, and even though I feel better now, I don't know if it's a small phase of lucidity or if I'm actually getting better, and I'm honestly not really willing to gamble to find out and risk it like this!! I mean you can just have one just in case, so why the heck not??

12/10/2022
17:27: "Do you think that something big happened in your childhood?? Like, you know, THAT??" Heh... Hehe!!
17:28: As a matter of fact, I do, I just don't wanna sound like I'm crazy, I only have random flashbacks and nightmares as my evidence and I keep gaslighting myself about it so yeah!!
17:30: This is where things get real!!
17:31: I think that I'm gonna go to a psychiatrist again, but this time a different one, dk why, but yeah!!
17:33: The whole thing will either end in me getting diagnosed with schizophrenia or... That!! I can feel it, something big is happening, I can feel it!! My therapist is gonna talk to mom about some things and I'm honestly kinda anxious, but you know, a 5 minute anxiety shouldn't dictate over this ENTIRE TIME I'm suffering!! You've seen it, you've seen how I've been these days!! I want answers, and I'm finally getting them, I'm so close, I can taste it!!
17:36: But no matter what happens, I guess that I'll have to I tell you about him!! The elephant in the room!! The reason why I'm actually suffering these days!! Oh it's not just what I show, there's a lot of things going underneath!! And I feel like something big is gonna happen!!
17:50: "Something is going to happen!! Something wonderful!!"

16/10/2022
10:50: Hello guys and welcome to another episode of "Me slipping further into madness"!!
10:53: By following, you have read this page and you agree you allow me to say literally the most random kinds of things on your feed!! :)
10:55: Put credit in the shrines because uncredited art is "NoT cOoL dUdE"!! Except this picture right here though, I found it on Pinterest with no credit, and once I downloaded it, it disappeared into thin air never to be seen again!! I'll go hunting another day!!
10:57: Also... Please don't hear EATEOT before sleep, decided to study for a physics test (did you know that I actually wanted to be an astrophysicist before changing my mind?? Physics, ew!! Can I get a "🤮" in the chat??) with this playing (I nailed to hear until mid stage 3 WOW), and then I went to sleep, and I ended up walking up in the middle of the night with this loudly playing in my head, and oh god it was scary!! Trust me, it's actually more scary in 6AM!!
11:02: I mean, the song overall sounds really sad, I've heard it and I wanted to cry, it's just so depressing to me!!
11:05: My relationship with this guy is... Complicated!! Why?? Well uhm... R E A S O N S!! Mostly him but... reasons!!
11:06: People who haven't played Danganronpa V3, will be like "Oh, who are those Monokumas, they look so cute!!" People who HAVE played it though will know that these guys are not cute, they're annoying af!! JUST LIKE THIS GUY!! (....No, I didn't say it as passionately as I normally do, I'm not in the mood to shit on him right now!!)
11:09: Expect more espresso depresso stage 3 songs with this picture btw, they're coming!!
12:39: Parade beat to have dissociative trances to!!
14:04: "You can always say everything to me!!" Of course I can!! Unless I'm saying what upsets me, them I'm dramatic!!
14:05: He is coming over again and it ANGERS me!! It makes me FURIOUS!! I quickly ate lunch and went into my room, I'm planning on studying for the test, whilst hearing the rest of EATEOT!!
21:07: It may not look like it, but I'm literally going through the "Metamorphosis" now!!

17/10/2022
16:26: Flashbacks, nightmares, triggers, androphobia, sexual dysfunction, age regression, self harm, rage... No, I'm not gonna acknowledge shit, let me stay in denial!!
16:29: No seriously, don't confront me about it, all you're gonna get is "no" and if you push me, you'll just get 3 y/o me throwing a tantrum whilst saying "nuh-uh", trust me you won't get anywhere!! Just let me stay sane and in denial for a little longer...
16:33: Why do you think I have said anything about the fact that I have androphobia?? I actually got diagnosed with it along with my PTSD back in March, but you didn't know about it!! Why?? Denial!!
16:53: Oh... Oh god!! Oh god, I'm dangerous!! Oh god... Oh god, I should stop thinking about it!!
17:01: Oh god, self, what have they done to you??
19:40: I decided to look into structural dissociation a bit, and the secondary part was... Really interesting actually!! It said that it shows up in OSDD, but in BPD and cPTSD as well!! Secondary structural dissociation actually has one "apparently normal part" and multiple "emotional parts" each one for different things!! I decided to dig a little deeper, and I found something called "ego states" in cPTSD!! Maybe that's what my psychiatrist meant when he said that I have parts?? Hmmm....
20:13: I finished listening to the whole eateot album and I'm officially a mess!! Well, gotta go listen to the fanmade ones now!!
21:38: Hallu, go away, I don't wanna talk right now!!
21:55: I'm gonna close my eyes, go to sleep, and when I'll wake up the stress will be gone!!
22:08: Okay, one last thing, I remembered this song and omg, it's the most Miss Wannabe and 3/10/2020 thing ever!! I think that I found it around that time as well!! I didn't hear it in 3/10 though, but I'm making this the current 3/10 theme, and I'm disowning the song I heard that day, because it was Melanie Martinez!! Ew!! Omg, I'm hearing this song, and I started tasting eggs again, oh god!!
22:14: Ah yes!! Me teaching bad behaviours to Miss Wannabe theme song!! It's not like... They're gonna be consequences for that 2 years later, right?? ...Right?? Well, anyway, they are seriously killing it in one part though!! So good!!

18/10/2022
8:16: Miss Wannabe/Sunshine is stupid and forgets people's triggers part UNO
Forgot to put a disclaimer, oml, behavior if you're reading this, maybe you shouldn't press play in the background music because the song is called "Diana" and the theme is... Dark, so you might not wanna hear that!! Omg, I forgot, I'm stupid!! (Sounds irrational to you, but I'd rather act anxious like this, than triggering one of my close Neocities mutuals, like this will carry on inside me forever!!)
11:03: Colours are swirling around becoming distorted, this is too much to take in!! I wanna go home!!
12:17: "God created the universe from thin air!!" Nah, I disagree, everything existed first, it just got dissolved into nothingness!!
13:47: Bro, people who are driving, see you standing there wanting to get the other side, and ignore you and SPEED UP are so annoying!! I think I'm gonna start dropping curses on people, screw it, I already have the "blue eyes" (context, in Greece there's a superstition called "Mati" where people are like "oh you suddenly feel unwell/have a headache/whatever, oh someone put the "Mati" curse on you" and all that, and according to my religion teacher, it actually comes from when people first saw blue eyed people, freaked out, and thought that they were cursed), I'm left handed, I have parts that look like Satan and I experience trances, I'm the best cursed candidate, fuck it, I should get into witchcraft and curse people!! So beware, if I see you next time doing that shit to me, I'm gonna curse you with diarrhea, this is a threat!! /s
18:12: Me on January 2021: Oh don't worry, I'm fine, it's just maladaptive daydreaming!! Me now: You know what?? Maybe I'm not fine!!
22:52: I'm sleepy but I'm also scared to fall asleep!! That means that I have switched to my edgy self now!! Take some edginess!! *changes the music!! again*
22:55: So it turns out that the Monokumas in that other picture are not the Monokubs!! They are from a mastermind Ishimaru manga, this one in particular, I just cropped it for the edge factor!!
22:57: Please don't take what I say when I'm sleepy seriously!! You know what, don't take anything that I say these days seriously!! Because first of all, it's autumn (ew) and second of all... This is not me!! No this is not me, this is the manifestation of all my problems, it's not me, it's something else!!

19/10/2022
16:35: "But aren't voices supposed to be external?? Like I hear someone else in this room??" "No, they can be internal as well!!" Well, FU-!!
16:37: Please assume that I'm sane!! PLEASE!! :D *is dying inside*
16:39: Maybe I should just accept that deep inside I'm psychotic in denial... But I don't wanna though, AAAAHHH!!
16:39: Well, I can only sit down and see what follows next...
17:17: "Just tell him 'oh yeah?? So what are you gonna do to me??' If he feels so high and mighty, you should put him in his place"!! Uuuuuhhh.... I don't know if that's a good idea... *nervously looks at everything that happened this week*
17:19: Now if you excuse me, I'm gonna go do what I did when I was on my way to get diagnosed with OCD (and turned out to be PTSD): CRY!!

20/10/2022
16:41: You know, maybe I shouldn't be so harsh on myself... Because again, looking back at things yesterday, my therapist didn't say something mean about it!! She just said that psychotic (and mentally ill in general) people are just different and that doesn't make them crazy!! She also said that she personally has OCPD and she's just a little different!! And that's honestly really sweet of her, it actually cheered me up when I thought about it!!

23/10/2022
1:46: I think I'm literally living the most distressing night of my life right now, I can't take this!! I just wanna go to bed and sleep like a normal person, please!!
17:13: Saying "I wanna pull my organs out" but not in a cute way!! I genuinely want to tear this meatsuit off, I feel like I'm going insane!! I keep suffering and suffering, I want my peace!!
17:43: "Last year was worse!!" 🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓
17:44: *Everything proceeds to become ten times worse*
17:45: Guys, friendly reminder that crying is an ok thing to do!! Nobody cares how you're feeling, even if you're on the floor crying and wishing you were dead!! So you might as well cry, don't worry, nobody is gonna ask you anything, just let it all out!!

24/10/2022
5:17: Wait, I told myself... Got to sleep and write tomorrow I told myself... I slept at 12AM, woke up at 2AM, haven't slept since, I don't think that I'm going back to sleep!! I'm just too energised for sleep right now, I need to do something with my life!! So... Hi!!
5:19: Unlike yesterday, today I have good news!! My physical health seems to be more manageable (at least right now, I can't be certain) and I overall feel great!! Pretty cheerful compared to yesterday!! I had a mental breakdown on Tumblr, ew!!
5:21: I literally saw myself in the mirror a few moments to see if I have any dark circles, but nah, I'm good!! I was like "damn, I'm hot"!! So I don't think that anyone will notice!!
5:23: You know, I'm feeling bad for myself yesterday, I was literally at my limit, and the stress just reached limits it shouldn't have!! ....Am I currently writing this because I'm probably manic rn, because the 2 month long stress finally broke me?? Probably!! High chance!! REALLY high chance!! But you know what I say!! If a professional doesn't say so, I have no right to say this as fact!! It's just a hypothesis!!
5:29: Also 2 hours ago, I was planning on updating just talking about mastermind Ishimaru... Well, sure!! I just wanted to say that you shouldn't be fooled by this image, the manga that it's from has to be one of the goofiest things I've ever read, in there it's like you took penis music and him and created this!! Overall this guy comes in two drawing styles: The normal more detailed one, that's really edgy and intimidating, and the more cartoony one, that has to be one of the most clownhonk.mp3, circustheme.mp3, goofiest things out there!! I wanna smash his head regardless of what style it is, but in the goofier one, I'm gonna do it less painfully, like, I'm entertained by your presence, I'm amused, you may suffer less!!
5:38: You know you woke up early when you hear the trash collectors from outside!! At least that's what I think it is... Humph!!
5:41: Uuuuuhhh... What else?? Oh yeah, I'm actually glad I'm feeling better now!! Because these days I couldn't sleep AT ALL, because I was waking up like 5 times per night, and today actually I woke up again because I felt pain, that I think lasted for about an hour, but now everything just... Calmed down?? Right now I either feel normal, or pain that is really mild!! That's good!!
5:47: I feel like I have more to say, but I keep zoning out and forgetting about them due to sleep deprivation... I know that my body is tired, but I don't feel tired at all, if I try to sleep, I'll just end up looking at the ceiling!! Yeah I'm like this every night, because anxiety makes you sleep after 200.000 years, a life of a star and the whole time humanity gas been alive, but this time I feel like I'm not gonna sleep at all!! Like it's almost 6AM right now, so what's the point??
5:52: I know that I keep talking about yesterday but I must say... Right now I feel pretty normal!! I feel good, but the cost of it is a 2 hour sleep... And honestly?? I prefer that from sleeping and being in the mental state I was in!! I would pick this any day!! You don't understand, I ended up crying out loud multiple times a day!! Like that was S T R E S S!! I would feel nauseous and chest pain and so many other things that come from stress, it was just awful!! I would stay dissociated for half a day, nearly every day!! Good ol' agere that my brain likes to use so much wasn't working!! And if I haven't convinced you yet, I ended up self harming through that quite a few times, and I would still be stressed!! Like, if I reach the point of being like this, I'm not just stressed, I'm in urgent need of help!! But obviously, who cares about giving me help amirite?? Not my therapist though, she seems really understanding!! Yeah the whole psychosis thing made everything worse, but that isn't on her, that rests on me, and my constant denial of things!!
6:04: And after a million years, Miss Sunshine remembered that she said that she will put more songs from eateot stage 3!! Well, here you go!!
6:05: Idk why, but I feel the need to talk, I feel the need to keep talking and writing here, idk why, but I keep feeling like there's something that I'm forgetting to talk about, so now I need to stay here until I remember it!! Well, I'm pretty sure I said everything I wanted to say so... I guess that was it for now??
6:08: Omg, look at this wall of text, LMAO!! There are entire day entries here that are shorter than this, oof!! My bad!!
6:10: Sorry for talking so muy, lol!! Yeah, I'm talking again, maybe I should stop!!
6:10: Decided to change the image again, it's just so nah, if it's gonna be stage 3, I must put this image in particular, the connection has been done and cannot be severed!!
6:37: If someone asks me to describe how I'm feeling right now... Remember that mastermind Ishimaru picture with the box cutter and blood in the background!! This!! I'm literally this!! Not relating to it, not feeling like I am it, I AM LITERALLY IT!! On all levels except physical, I'm that!! This is me internally, I can't be convinced otherwise!!
6:41: I think the stress finally broke me, damn!!
9:57: Actually nailed to sleep one more hour and a half, let's go!! Also checked myself again and the dark circles are still there, aaahh!! Also I feel some pain on my chest again, maybe it's a sign that my body wants to die due to sleep deprivation!! Cool, let it complain, it's the one that made me like this in the first place!!
10:01: Guys, I don't know how to tell you this (at least indirectly), but I'm god!! I'm literally god, you cannot convince me otherwise, but I'm literally god!!

25/10/2022
8:16: You know I don't have something that interesting to say today, but I have something important though!! I slept 7 hours, from 3 to 7, we're making progress here!!
8:19: I'm just saying to myself that I just need to wait until tomorrow... I'm seriously sitting there, trying to imagine my therapist's reaction when I'll walk in there and tell her how my week's been!! Does she think deep down that maybe I'm too far gone and she just pretends, and maybe she secretly doesn't tolerate me at all?? .... Nah, I need to stop thinking about this, I think that it's stretched too much!! For real though, tomorrow's gonna be a wild ride, I don't know how to feel, I'm having mixed feelings about it!!
8:30: Irrelevant, but if you say that you can't draw, there's a high chance you're lying!! I think that that's because you don't know how to use the thing you're drawing with!! Maybe you should try something else, most of the time you can't use one thing well, but you can use another!! And some things are just hard to work with!! To me personally, I don't really know how to use markers or crayons, but I do better with colouring pencils and coal!! Oh my god, have you tried coal?? Try it, it's messy as hell, but it's so cool, I love it so much!! Just... Try something else, I'm pretty sure you need to find your element!!
8:40: As for the motivation... Well... I don't know what to say on that one, but I think that forcing yourself isn't the way!! I haven't drawn anything since September, and now I suddenly got the creativity rush, and made 4,5 drawings yesterday!! And I just got 3 new ideas, I wanna make them all, but at 10AM I have to go to my math lessons, aaahh!! Well, I guess I'll just do what I can now and continue later!! Oh yeah, btw, don't rush drawings, they end up awful, and I don't think that you want that!!
15:54: Dad: "Okay, tomorrow we're going to the doctor to see what's up!!" Mom: *that annoying as smile* "We're all fine!!" Mom... Mom when I'll make the house blow up (not meaning it, don't come at me), nobody is gonna hear you scream!! I've been sleepless, crying, self harming, having breakdowns because my health is so shit, and you have the FUCKING AUDACITY to say that to my face!! Like how delusional can you be?? My own mind decided to just do an 180 because it became so stressed, it was at its absolute limit!! And now I hear this!! This comes from ME, who right now believes that I'm god and people are talking to me, like, that's a sign that what you're doing is wrong!! God, what the hell runs in this family, I refuse to believe that any of these people are any less mentally ill than me, I'm just self aware!! I just made a joke to myself and said "When I go to therapy, it's a package deal, my whole family goes"!! After hearing this shit though I believe this unironically, everyone must have "I'm lacking self awareness" syndrome or something!! Like god, wtf?? Just wtf??
16:08: I said that next update I would change the picture and music to how I feel right now, so I'm doing that as well!! I would make the picture eyestrain and flash really fast, but idk if any of you have epilepsy, and idk how to make a proper "click to proceed" pages so I don't want you guys to get triggered and possibly injured by me, that's a big no no!! Also fun fact, these days my whole music playlist changed again, and for some reason it's music like this!! Pretty sure it's because I'm constantly hyper like this, so when I'll calm down again, I'll probably go back to listen to roaring twenties music!! God, I love it so much, the 19th century can be so aesthetically pleasing if look at it!!
22:10: Okay, I know I said "this picture is literally me", but I didn't have the picture there and now that I do, it just proves my point more!! Do you see those lines under his eyes?? Yeah, that's also something that we have in common!! S L E E P D E P R I V A T I O N!! Trust me, the more you're like this, and the more you slip into madness, the more this picture makes sense!! Also did you know that dark circles can go all the way to the edge of the eye?? I didn't believe it at first , but here I am, looking like I'm about to commit a felony!!

2/11/2022
16:35: Because since yesterday is No Nut November, the picture for this month is this one!! Why?? Well you have to figure this out on your own!! :)
16:37: Also, I know that I put this song again, but it was either this, or rock and roll McDonald's, I had no choice!!
16:40: Oml, my therapist is gonna talk to my mom today about what's going on, I'm so anxious, aaaahhh!! *high pitched screaming*
16:42: Bro, she better- no... SHE BETTER agree on sending me to a psychiatrist again because if she won't, I'm gonna go psychotic mode!! I'm not gonna bother hiding anything anymore, I'm just gonna let out everything, without a care in the world!! Like no, y'all are gonna live what I go through everyday, I'm not gonna accept this!! I really don't care about being diagnosed with schizophrenia at this point, I've already seen the other side, I've seen everything, it just doesn't affect me anymore!! Give me the diagnosis!!
16:47: Hallu: "Hey-!!"
Me: 🎵"ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALD'S, ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALD'S, ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALD'S, ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALD'S!!"🎵
16:50: Yeah right, people don't know who he is..... Uuuuuhhh, to lazy to explain right now!! I'm just gonna say... One of those!!
16:51: My therapist said that I should talk to him but come on, I don't vibe with him, go away!!
16:58: You know what, screw it, you're getting rock and roll McDonald's, idc!! It's been playing in my head all day, so now it's gonna play in yours as well!!
17:00: I'm actually only 50 kilos, what?? How did that happen??
17:01: "Your eyes are watery, are you allergic to dust or something??" No, I just got stressed and cried quietly in those 10 seconds you weren't looking at me, I'm just THAT skilled!!
17:15: This picture with this music is just so freaking hilarious, especially the "McDonald's will make you P H A T" part!! It's so funny to me, I'm literally wheezing right now!!
17:17: I always wonder why I need to scroll so much and if I'm talking THAT much, but then I remember that it's just because I wanted to write for the whole autumn without deleting it!!
22:11: TW!! I'm actually anxious as hell about this whole thing actually!! Not about the diagnosis, like I said, I don't really care at this point, but my therapist keeps saying things along the lines "please, PLEASE, don't hurt yourself"!! Does this whole thing make me wanna slice my throat and wrists if given the chance?? ABSOLUTELY!! Just because I've accepted it doesn't mean that I like it!! But this thing makes me anxious, like... Oh god, what's happening??

3/11/2022
20:02: Would appreciate it if Neocities stopped showing so many error signs, they're stressing me out!!
20:04: I'm thinking about what would happen if I just kept telling mom what's happening: "Mom I keep hearing voices inside my head!! No, holy water does nothing, I keep drinking it and they are still there!!" Do you think that I would be sent to an exorcist?? I mean it would make everything worse, but at the same time it would be hilarious and goofy af!! Nah, she can't be THAT obsessed with god!!

4/11/2022
9:51: So I've been thinking... If they ARE hallucinations, should I let them write here?? I know that some disagree with what I'm about to say, but I think that letting them talk is still a good idea!! Hear me out!! So Professor had a.html right?? And after writing in it, I must say, he became MUCH better!! He wrote what he wanted to say, and that lifted a weight from his chest!! And now he's better!! So if journaling makes a hallucination more friendly and upbeat... Why not?? Trust me, I'd rather have a 100 Professors over 1 Hallu!! I mean they're gonna be with me forever, so why not make some better connections with them?? If they're gonna be here forever, at least they can be more cheerful!!
12:12: Ngl, I partially wanna talk about this to someone!! But who?? I'm scared of creeping A, X1 and X2 out and I feel like I'm trauma dumping on V so I don't wanna bother him more... What should I do??
14:38: I just ate some beetroots and oml, my teeth look like I've been eating the flesh of the damned, LMAO!!
15:41: *breathes in* *breathes out* M O N D A Y!!
15:42: Am I exaggerating?? Sure, I may show severe signs of severe mental illnesses, but who am I to know that I'm not exaggerating?? What if I have factitious and I'm just exaggerating things, huh?? (Girl in denial tries to rationalise things, 2022, colourised!!)

7/11/2022
21:14: I know that I told myself that I don't care but... It's just... I feel like a freak!! The whole voices thing makes me feel terrible actually!! Well I guess I lied!! I DO care if it's gonna turn out that I'm psychotic or whatever... But I just feel so freakish!! I feel like something's wrong with me!! I mean... There IS something wrong with me... But it's the kind that makes you wanna sit there and cry instead of the "oh I can fix this" kind!! It makes me hate myself really!! At this point, I just wanna destroy myself!! Self hate sessions are not enough, I need to create a clone of myself and fucking drown it in a bathtub!! That's how much I hate myself right now!! Like I'm literally trying to appear normal everyday and it all ends up like this!! Just... What the hell is wrong with you?? Why can't you be normal like everyone else??
21:40: Can I be honest with you and say that I'm honestly tired of pretending of being me?? There is no me, there's nothing here, here is nobody, I'm so tired of trying and failing to be me, there's just... An empty void!! Here is nobody!! Just... I'm tired of pretending and lying to myself!!
21:46: Something personal is going on in the kitchen right now and god I feel so guilty for it because I'm the reason it's happening... *sigh* Guess I'll start pretending to every single member of my family as well from now on... It's not gonna be easy... It's not gonna be easy at all!! But neither is having a conversation about what's wrong with me, so I'll just start acting!!

12/11/2022
12:11:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12:13: HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
12:13:σκάσεσκάσεσκάσεσκάσεσκάσεσκάσε
σκάσεσκάσεσκάσεσκάσεσκάσε
σκάσεσκάσεσκάσε

18:15: Me: *has an anxiety attack and feels like I'm gonna die* "Damn girl, why you want attention so bad??" Also me: *completely alone, doesn't tell anyone a thing*
18:17: Sorry fellas, I'm gonna go hide this update for today!! :)
18:22: I'm not alive!! I'm not dead!! I'm everywhere!! I'm nowhere!! I don't exist!! Nothing exists!!

13/11/2022
8:28: 13th of the month!! Huh!!
8:29: Okay but seriously, WTF is November?? Why the F does it exist?? What's it's purpose?? Who cares about it?? Like... WTF is November??
8:31: Bro, I didn't take my iron supplements for a week because period, and now my heart is like "fghjksfhfghgh"!! Like damn, chill!! .... Sometimes I just wanna throw my body in the bin, not gonna lie!!
8:33: "But you're not mentally ill, look at {x} person, they are mentally ill and it shows!!" Damn bro, so you're telling me that all the things that you find off about me aren't from a mental illness??
8:35: All I'm saying is that you haven't felt like you're being fvcked in your sleep, you haven't people in your head that terrorise you, you haven't waken up in an entirely different city, you haven't drastic distortions of time, you haven't felt what it's like to see a face in the mirror and see someone else, you haven't felt like you're living in a simulation, you haven't dealt with out of body experiences, you haven't struggled to remain in the present, you haven't forgotten half your childhood, you haven't dealt with uncontrollable emotions!! All I'm saying is... You haven't lived my experiences!! I'm not saying that you should, because this is torture, but you haven't lived it!! So honestly, I don't think that you have a right to make a judgement on me!!
9:01: Bro, I'm so done with the whole "make friends" thing!! Holy shit, I'm already talking to people, what do you want me to do, french kiss, have sex with them and marry them?? Can you all RELAX a little bit??
13:58: Oh so that's what you think huh?? Heh... Wait until I actually open up and talk with you about shit such as the nightmare... Which will never happen btw, I'm not talking to you again!!
13:59: I knew it!! I knew that something was up when things started mysteriously getting better!! "Something isn't right" I told myself!! Turns out I'm just right!! Of course I am!! No wonder why I feel so defensive even when things are somewhat okay!! Omg, thank STARS I didn't tell them a thing!! Holy shit, I was so close on just saying everything!! Thank god I didn't!! Thank god my gut was right!! I'm never gonna say anything!! Never!! That's the treatment I'll give!! "Keep your mouth shut!!" Hallu would scream this at me so many times per day, turns out that he's just right!! Congratulations to both of you, I'm literally choosing the bitch that is Hallu over both of you!! Just congratulations!! I'm not gonna say anything!! Never again!! Thank god I kept my mouth shut!!
14:07: It's Taka celebration date (13th of the month), yet I had to take down all my Taka pictures... Well then, maybe I should make them migrate here instead!! :)
14:22: Maybe I should put them in the mastermind Taka shrine?? Wanna draw them all in a little camp around a bonfire, but I'm too lazy right now...
14:25: What's next, 7 year old attempts suicide because she watched to much Jewelpet?? Is this how we're gonna justify things now, putting the blame on anime??
14:27: Oh my god, I literally feel like I'm disintegrating right now!!
14:28: I love you Hallu!!
14:28: Current mental status is "January"!! It was "October/November" but you made it "January"!! That's not a compliment btw!!

16/11/2022
15:33: Gross gross gross gross gross!! Disgusting, ew!!
15:34: Bro what's next, you want hugs?? WELL GUESS WHAT BITCH!! YOU'RE NOT GETTING THEM!! Bro whoever assigned this soul to this body I only I have to scream to them: "FAIL"!! Like why am I supposed to be trapped in this filth bag, I hate it so much, it's disgusting!! Why do I have to be in here, I hate it!! I hate it so much!! I'M TIRED!! I'M LITERALLY SO TIRED!!
15:38: I want to feel like myself again!! I can't handle this... Thing!! This is not me and I'm TIRED TO DEATH, off pretending it is!! I'm done!! I'm so done!! I want to be me!! Not whatever THE FUCK I'm looking in the mirror every day!! I'M TIRED!!
15:40: Whatever bitch, I'm disowning you, you and your pathetic feelings and your "needs" aren't welcomed here!! Cry about it!!
21:57: Irrelevant, but friendly reminder to exercise!! I highly recommend something intense like kicking ass, because it helps with your mental health tremendously!! Look at me!! I wrote these in the middle of the day, and after going to my kickboxing class, I still believe everything I said!! The difference now is that I'm in a better mood, wanna sing "Me voy" by Julieta Venegas and play it on my keyboard!! My thoughts suck, but after this my thoughts suck ✨I N S T Y L E✨!!
22:01: Also my self image is kinda better?? Like, I'm still mad at myself, but I looked at myself in the mirror a while ago and went "damn I'm pretty"!! Haha!! (As you can see, I have severe identity issues, lmao!!)
22:17: ¡No me voy a llorar y decir, que no me merezco eso, porque, es probable que lo merezco, pero no lo quiero y por esto me voy! ¡Qué lástima pero adiós, me despido de ti y me voy! ¡Qué lástima pero adiós, me despido de ti!
22:19: Guys, GUYYYYSSSS, I FOUND THE PIC CREDIT!! Okay, it's Pinterest, I know, but at least it's better from nothing!!
22:46: I have to admit, out of every picture of this guy, this one has to be the one that makes me wanna kill him the least!! No wait, I lied, unlike the others where I wanna smash his head, this one makes me wanna gut him, but... In a good way?? Like I feel that I'll find cotton candy inside?? Like I'm still getting angry, but in a good way??
22:50: Me: "What is it called when you wanna snap someone's neck, but in a good way?? Like, you're angry, but at the same time really fuzzy inside!!"
Neocities Mutuals: "Uuuuuhhh... Cute aggression??"
Me: "THAT'S THE BITCH!!"

20/11/2022
17:26: GUUUUYYYYSSS, I FOUND THE PICTURE CREDIT, FOR REAL THIS TIME!! Just look at it now, he looks so much more alive, his skin is less pale, his eyes are more red, my guy looks better in this one!!
17:29: Ngl, he gives me such a certain vibe that makes me wanna make a paper doll out of him!! Maybe I should do this one first, and then one of my comfort character!! The problem is idk in what pose I should make him!! Should I make him sit or stand?? Should I make him make that pose with his sword, or just a generic one?? The only thing that I know is that, if I'll be able to do it somehow, I want to be able to destroy him and then put him back again!!
17:34: Irrelevant, but yesterday me and A decided to go to the cinema and watch "The Menu"!! Now that was an experience!! She didn't like it at all, but I personally loved it tbh!! Like, not to sound high, but if you asked me to say something about it, I would respond with "everything just makes sense"!! It's like you took Professor, Hallu and a little bit of Miss Wannabe, blended them together and made a movie out of it!! Just... Yo, I'm so in love with this movie!! Also I forgot that when I come in contact with new media I just get "artist vision" for the rest of the day, so I walked out of the cinema with world perception wilder than those National Geographic documentaries!!
17:43: Irrelevant, but I really don't know if I should take my iron supplements right now... I absolutely SHOULD take them because I need them, but they also give me such side effects that I don't really want, and mom said that we should probably go and get prescribed new ones... But there are only 6 little bottles left, so idk what to do...
17:49: Also I think that this time it's for real, but it's been 3/4 days and my cystitis seems to have stopped, THANK GOODNESS, it was about goddamn time!! I'M FREE!! I'M ABLE TO SLEEP AGAIN!! YOOHOOO!!!! 🥳🥳🎇🎇🎆🎆🎉🎉🎊🎊🍾🍾🥂🥂
18:02: "I love you all!!"
"We love you chef!!"

If you know from what part of the movie this music is... You know!!
19:45: YOOOOOOOO, GUUUUYYYYSSS, I FOUND YASSIFIED PICTURES OF THIS GUY, AAAHH!! I'm gonna have so much content to put here as pictures, lol!!
19:46: Thinking about putting "honourable mentions" in the comfort character shrine... Because there are some cool pictures of Taka wearing glasses, but he's not really a mastermind?? Should I put them here, hmmmm...

28/11/2022
18:14: Hallu sharing the most miniscule of his trauma, watching me have an mental breakdown and then going "damn, I'm so dramatic": 😀🙂😐😕😒🙄
18:21 (god whyyyyy): No wonder he has issues, if I find shit like FOOD traumatising, imagine what more I'm gonna find...
18:23: Idk man, I found it so easy to be like "oh, he's a Big Bad Wolf introject, so that's why he is the way he is"!! Nah bestie, it's TRAUMA!! *laughs while crying*
18:25: Of course, I'm clearly gonna deny everything I just heard, DENIED DENIED DENIED, REJECTED REJECTED REJECTED, IRRATIONAL IRRATIONAL IRRATIONAL!! L + Ratio + not diagnosed + gonna talk about it in 7 days + I can use it as an excuse + I'm gonna pretend you don't exist + DENIED + REJECTED + IRRATIONAL!!
28:28: Anyway, something more positive now!! So I actually try to study and focus on the Panhellenics more and so far it's been pretty good!! Sure, it's been only two days, but in those two days, things are going pretty well!! In fact, I'm kinda surprised honestly that I can focus on them more, because I keep checking all my socials because compulsion (thanks Neocities for making my first site evaporate in thin air and thank you magical thinking for thinking that if I don't check Neocities someone is gonna hack it) but I somehow managed to... Not do it that much now!! I hope that it can keep being that way!!
18:36: Also I've been nailing to go out more, so I'm also glad for that!! Overall, things are going... Better!! Look, I blacked out again yesterday, but that was yesterday!! In general, it's not like before!! (That's why sharing your problems is important people, after writing that entry I feel so much better!!) Also next session is gonna be in 7 days, so I'm gonna keep obsessing over that!! ... Looking at you, next Monday!! I'm looking at you!! ◉⁠ω⁠◉
18:52: Next week is gonna be a mess!! Happy 5 months of being dissociated and happy 60 years of trauma in your family!! This bloodline is cursed, I'm telling you!!
18:54: Btw, like this Taka picture?? Imo it's the coolest of them all, I decided to make it my phone background, that's how much I like it!! (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)
19:24: A few days ago, I dreamt of a snake eating another snake!! Apparently that means "determination to succeed at whatever cost" according to dream moods!! Honestly so true bestie!! I'm gonna succeed at whatever cost, nobody is stopping me!! One week bestie, just one week!!
19:26: They told me that I'm not gonna go to therapy anymore, and just to the psychiatrist!! For now at least!! I'm so mentally ill, my ass needs to be SCP contained, lol!!