My journalWelcome to this world of mine, called mind!! Wanna learn something?? Maybe now's your chance!!
Omg, GUYS LOOK!! IT'S 2023, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?? I CAN'T BELIEVE ANOTHER YEAR HAS PASSED LIKE THAT!!
This site is two years old now!! Or maybe three... No wait, THREE years old now!! Omg, I can't believe I've been around for so long, lmao!! I'm so proud of myself!! I made it when I was 16 and I'm an adult now, look at me go!! Aaawww!! I really am growing through here!! It makes me so happy!!
Growing sure is nice!! I've changed so much since I first came here!! I've matured like fine wine, I've changed my life goals, I've overall become a better person!! It may not look like it, but sometimes you just gotta reread your old entries, cringe a whole lot, and then go "damn, I was so cringey back then, I've changed now" lol!!
Speaking of stupid stuff... Should I change the art here, lmao!! I like Taka, but Asobu is not my favourite artist anymore so idk what to do!! What?? You thought I was gonna change the background?? No way!! It became a signature at this point!!
Anyway!! Last year I asked myself some questions about 2022, and I thought that it would be a great idea to answer them now that the year's over, so why not go through them??
Will this diary be for the whole year, or should I start making two, one for winter and one for summer?? Nah, keep it one, it's better this way!! Now you also have MissWannabeDontLook.html as well so you have another place to write stupid things!! Keep it one!!
Can I stop thinking about university for once (just because everyone treats you like you're 18- and ignore that you are still a teen doesn't mean that you have to do the same to me brain!!)?? Oh trust me sweetheart, after what happened in March and in November, university is the LAST of your concerns right now!!
Am I a copinglinker?? Am I a pet regressor as well?? Where do I swing?? (yes, we have many identity questions here!!) Well, the first one is no, you aren't!! You aren't otherkin, you aren't a copinglinker, don't overanalyze it, you shouldn't worry about it!! As for pet regression... I really don't know?? Like I had moments that would be qualified as pet regression but... I'm also getting diagnosed for MENTAL ISSUES, so I can't really tell if it's truly pet regression or the MENTAL ISSUES, you feel me?? As for sexuality... Again, same thing, you thought you were bi for a while but you also had identity alterations during those moments soooo... I can't really comment on that, sorry!!
What should my artist name be?? I have no Idea sweetheart!! :)
What should I do in that live I'm planning to do (coming this year)?? Lmao, that didn't happen... Remember when I was talking about the stream, lol!! Well I honestly don't really know... Just a chit chat one?? I mostly wanna have a convo with you guys and make a voice reveal sooo... Just a chill stream I guess!!
What mental illness will I uncover this year (the fact that in 2020 I had GAD, and in 2021 I had GAD, social anxiety and ancraophobia, makes me scared about what I'm gonna find!!)?? Ehe... Ehehehehe!! Hehe... Heh!! Oh you sweet innocent soul, you have no idea!!
What character should I cosplay as?? Mastermind Ishimaru of course, why are you asking?? Of course mastermind Ishimaru, I hear no complaints!! Oh wait... Was it at that time I thought Miss Wannabe was still an OC?? LOOOOOLLLL!! Well, if you're talking about Barbeque day, you dressed up as a weirdcore TV character so uh... That I guess!!
Will I find the motivation to do weirdcore characters for that story I want?? No, you gave up, lmao!!
Are the nightmares done yet?? ..... BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! After that shit Hallu told me, they're never gonna stop, nope!! Sorry, you're gonna be like this for life!! :) You sweet innocent being, you don't know what's gonna hit you!!
Why does this decade feel so far like a long year (I still feel like it's 2020, can you believe that it's been 2 years)?? I asked mom and she said quarantine, sooo... Quarantine?? I guess?? But you're also a bit mentally ill and you lose track of time, so it could also be that, because 2020 was the year of figuring out that you're not exactly okay in the head!!
Whoah, I liked that, it's like new year's resolution, but I'm not forced to do anything, I like!! Here, 2024 self, have some questions as well: how's Hallu?? Professor?? How are you?? Did you find out what is wring with me?? How's your healing process, I believe that we're doing great!! Are things calmer right now?? How did you celebrate new year's?? Okay but seriously, what's wrong with me?? What are my mental illnesses?? Are they getting treated?? They better be, because I'm suffering!! How many are The Voices and The Problems?? Are they really that severe?? What's your favourite song right now?? Your favourite genre?? How's journaling going?? Everything okay?? How's your physical health?? Have you drank some water?? What about that vaccine we need to do??
There, I think that these are more than enough!! Can't wait to see what's gonna happen this year!! :D
- Miss Sunshine
Feeling: Happy but also deep shame!!
Hi hi everyone, how are you all doing?? :D Well I'm personally doing great, I'm glad for that!! So far this year has been pretty good so I have my hopes up about it, despite the fact that it ends in a 3!! Seems like this year wants to teach my obsessive compulsive tendencies a lesson!!
Yesterday, I've actually eaten some panettone and it's just SO TASTY, OMG!! Shout out to Italy, like this is amazing and it tastes great, you guys should taste some!! Why is it around only at Christmas, it's literally one of the yummiest sweets I've ever eaten!! And it's huge!!!! Like when I saw the package, I thought that it was an exaggeration but no, it's really that big!! And it smelled like vanilla, omg!! It smells great actually!!
As for today, nothing much, schools have opened again and everything went back as it once was!! I mostly sat here, though I did clean the house and go out to buy some groceries!! I finally did a thing!! I mean Hallu and Kuro did help because I'm too much of an anxious ball to actually do anything and look normal, but let's pretend that I'm the one who did it!! Yaaayyy, being an actual productive person, how nice!! Who knows, it might happen again!! ...I mean I might study later... Speaking of studying, all the exams I had these days went pretty well, especially math!! With the exception of physics though, in that I sucked terribly!! Will try again though!! I should try to not give up this year, unlike last time!! There's only one left now, and I'm pretty hopeful for it!! Hopefully that goes great also!! :)
I've also been better physically!! The meds are doing their work and all the -itis are starting to go away (thank god!!), my skin has finally started to look less pale thanks to iron, and I try to take better care of myself!! It's kinda hard actually, because I have trouble connecting to my body and my needs so I'm just sitting there like 0_0!! Fun fact, if you ever feel your tongue dry, your head heavy and you are having brain fog, feeling sleepy, while also being hungry on top, you might wanna try drinking some water first!! Like I drank some, and I physically felt like someone was cleaning up my brain!! 10/10 will recommend!! In general, drink water!! Idk why bodies suck so much at expressing thirst, but drink some water!! It's good for you!! Like around 4-6 glasses per day seems enough!!
I need to be extra gentle on myself because of this... I don't know if it's the chronic dissociation or the chronic self hate that I've put myself through, but after a point I lost the ability to identify my needs!! Wether that be emotional, physical or mental, I just can't do it!! I'll spend a good amount of time trying to figure out why I'm so grumpy all of a sudden, when it turns out that all my body wanted was to eat breakfast... Self hate has become so much easier than self love, it has become second nature!! So now I need to love and nurture myself, and that requires reversing all those year of self hate!! Like I had a self hate session a few days ago, despite the fact that I wasn't angry at myself!! I just did it for doing it!! Because I was bored... It has ended up becoming a habit!! At least it was short though, not going on for hours as usual!! So that means that I'm making progress, and I'm glad for that!! I just need to keep giving myself some self love that's all!!
As for my mental health... Heh... Hehe... You might wanna skip the rest if you want just a happy light-hearted entry!! I'm not saying that I've been terribly recently, like I said, I'm actually doing great!! It's just that...
I wasn't planning initially to say this, in fact, I wanted this to be my dirty little secret, but Hallu popped up and decided to name his diary "Satyriasis" and talk about hypersexuality so... I guess I may as well!! Besides I was planning on telling the psychiatrist eventually, and since that DID entry helped a lot, I might as well talk about this!!
So my website is pink and cute right?? I said the reason for that, right?? Distraction from my actual problems?? Yeah, well, there's a second reason why I act so bubbly and cute all the time, and that is my highly possible CSBD!! What is that?? *opens new tab on Google* No no NO, you're not gonna look what disorder CSBD is!! Just know that its full name is "Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder", basically a fancy name for hypersexuality, okay?? There, you happy now?? Please don't look it up, please let me stay this sweet, innocent and "too pure for this world" person in your eyes!! Please... Please!!!! I want others to look at me like I'm this creation of adorableness, please keep looking at me that way!! Not like... That!! I'm not that, I promise, I'm not that!! Or maybe I try to!! I try to hide that deep inside I am indeed THAT through the millionth cute emoticon and heart emoji!! I try to appear innocent because deep inside I feel extreme shame!! I'm not your usual substance abuse addict!! I don't drink bottles of wine, I don't smoke weed, I don't do drugs, I don't gamble my life away!! I don't numb my feelings this way!! Instead I just daydream my life away through the thousandth song and I'm just... That!! I don't like that, I don't wanna be that!! But it's called "compulsive" for a reason doesn't it!! Why abuse substances when you can abuse your brain chemicals?? Trust me, the highs your own brain can make are sure addictive as hell!! Everyone talks about how drugs do awful things to your brain but what about... you?? What about your own brain, what do you do then??
I don't know what's more sad, the fact that I'm like this, the fact that I'm not the only one who is like this, and instead it's me, Kuro and Hallu, or the fact that this has been going on since forever?? I remember myself being like this forever, I also remember daydreaming my life away since forever, I've just been an addict for my entire life!! An addict... Can't believe that I'm calling myself one, it sounds so heavy!! It sounds wrong, it sounds shameful!! I don't like it!!
I promised myself that I use now this journal to heal myself and the others and Hallu already talked briefly about it, so I guess the time to talk about it has come, huh!! The big talk!! Oh god!! I don't like it!! But I don't really have a choice!! If I wanna heal, I must say it out loud!!
I wanna record my healing process of this, but the problem is that this is a mature and taboo thing... And there are children here so I don't want to say inappropriate things in front of children, that's just morally wrong!! I've been thinking about making a txt file so that nobody will look at it when it's updated, or at the very least put a password to a html file... I don't know yet, I'll see about that!! I don't know what I'm gonna do about it, but I'm sure that it'll be slightly inaccessible!!
And of course, through that, I also need to acknowledge my trauma... The one thing Hallu keps telling me but I don't listen... Like I usually say, I don't wanna look at it, but do I really have another option?? Guess I'll have to eventually face it!!
Well, that's all that I had to say for now!! Nothing much, but enough to let you guys know how things have been going on currently!! I have nothing else to add so uuuuuhhh... I'm just gonna stop here!! Btw, if you still haven't drank some water, go do it now, giving water a shout-out here!! Anyway, that was pretty much it, bye!!
- Miss Sunshine
Feeling: Sad, helpless and hopeless actually!!
Second day of Hallu not writing because we all wanna do so at the same time, lol!! You know what, take some rest my guy, that episode you're having currently must be tiring!! Which is really funny to say, because I came here to talk about my own mental breakdown, yay!! :)
It's just that... I lied!! I can't face it!! I can't!! I can't deal with it!! I thought I would but I can't!! Hallu lied to me again... When I asked him since when he's been here, and he said "6"!! Asked if he meant "6 years old", he said yes!! Had to learn the hard way today that by "6" he actually meant "2006"!! And just... 6... 2006... Do you know how FUCKED UP that is?? Do you understand how MESSED UP it is?? In case you don't get it, I was born in 2004... Yeah!! Just... Who in their right mind would traumatise a 2 year old?? In this way?? How sick in the head do you have to be?? How?? Why??
I tried to minimise it, saying that he's lying and that he made it up... But, it unfortunately adds up!! I've done an experiment with Professor back in the day about this!! In it, I showed pictures of myself when I was a little kid, asking which one makes his intrusive thoughts worse!! ...He also said the same thing, 2006!! It's just... It's just blows my mind really!! Like who in their right mind would do this?? Just why?? What is going on in their head, I'm so confused!!
I demanded evidence and he told me "you could have gotten it on New Year's"... I didn't because I was busy playing with my cousins... Because I subconsciously didn't want them to go through the same process as me... I could have gotten it... But I didn't, so I'll keep denying and minimising things!!
I really wonder... Is this whole thing real?? Like this happened for real?? It doesn't feel real!! It really doesn't!! It feels like I made it up, or as if I saw a dream!! But the few and rare pieces of information add up, why?? Why would this happen?? Why would a 2 year old need to go through that?? Why would a 2 year old need another person in their head??
It just makes me feel terrible actually!! Like... Hallu, not to offend you, but if this happened, and my brain needed to make another person, because it couldn't deal with it and because it thought that it was gonna die... Maybe, just maybe... It should have died instead!! I really mean this, I'd rather be dead!! I'd seriously and unironically rather be dead than be here now in this condition!! I can't function, I can't be normal, I can't do things other people can with ease, and I'm just dripping mental illnesses!! If I was dead, the torment would end and I wouldn't have to go through more!!
Fun fact, I wasn't supposed to be here with you today!! I was supposed to be dead!! I was supposed to die the day I was born!! I wasn't supposed to be here!! I really wasn't!! Yet somehow life just wouldn't make things easy, so I lived!! I fucking lived, while I should have died!! Why?? I mean from one hand I'm grateful, but why?? Why didn't you let me die?? Why did you do this to me?? To torture me?? To give me mental illnesses?? To shower me with trauma?? Why?? Just... Why??
Nothing pisses me off more than when I hear two things: one is "video games cause violence" and the second one is "nothing is worse than the loss of a human life"!! Oh really?? Do you really know ANYTHING about me?? Forget Neocities, forget Tumblr, just the shit I show irl, what do you know about me?? Exactly, nothing!! So who are you to tell me this?? You don't even know me, you're a stranger to me, and I'm a stranger to you!! Just... Miss me with that shit!!
Hallu, I'm sorry, but if something THIS SEVERE and THIS BAD happened, and my mind had no other choice but to start creating people... I'd seriously rather be dead!!
- Miss Sunshine
Feeling: Hopeful and determined
Hallu, I'm sorry, but if something THIS SEVERE and THIS BAD happened, and my mind had no other choice but to start creating people... I'd seriously rather be dead!!
Ah yes.... That!! Death!! Saying how I wasn't supposed to be here... You know what?? Let's talk about that!! Yeah, let's sit down and talk about that!!
So as you already know, I said that I was supposed to be dead today!! I wasn't supposed to be here with you right now!! But why?? Why is that?? Well my parents a few weeks back, decided to tell me the story again, this time in full detail!! And the reason is pretty much... A disease!!
One day, mom was supposed to go to the movies with one of my uncles but she started feeling unwell!! Grandpa told her to go make a test to see if everything is alright "if he didn't say that, we wouldn't find out about this"!! And so they check my heartbeat... Based on the doctor's expression, I can pretty much conclude that it was shit!!
So they rush to get out of town in order to go to a more advanced hospital!! "That's why you were born in another city while your sister was born here" I get diagnosed with chylothorax and then mom had a c-section!! I was born prematurely, but it's fine!! It was gonna be okay... Right?? "The average baby weighs 3 kilos when it's born!! When they took out the fluid from your lungs, you were weighing only 1,7 kilos!! Btw, that's where that scar in your chest is coming from!!" I was blown away!! How did I survive this?? I was like... Half the weight!! Also I always thought that this was a birth mark, not something like... This!! I'm blown away!!
"Everyone kept saying about how you were going to die!! I called all the nuns and churches I knew, and told them to pray for you!! You would die!! But somehow God blessed you and you just started becoming better and better, the doctors were amazed!!" I've still been thinking about this, like... How the fuck did I nail to do this?? I guess that's why the story is this important, because it's just... Not your ordinary type of thing!! Ngl, this is the only bit in the story that makes me wanna ask if god exists!! Is he real?? Is he out there?? I really don't know!!
I searched it!! The average hospital stay for a baby after a c-section is 2-4 days... I stayed in the hospital for a whole month!! Not only that, but when I got out, I was starved for 6 hours... Look, that was an accident, okay?? Got prescribed the wrong milk formula, and I was too entitled to make myself drink the other one, lmao!!
Dad also started talking "You had many vaccinations at school, like all the other kids!! But you in particular, we had to give you extra ones that cost thousands of dollars" And I'm just... Wow!! I remembered that line from Mission Impossible 2 "No you won't kill her!! Because this bitch is worth millions of dollars!!" I was literally a kid worth THOUSANDS, but I'm too stupid to realise that!! And so... The childhood begins!! The one with the medicine and the prescriptions!! The thing that started the self hate sessions!!
But it didn't stop there, no no no!! "Nobody could tell what the cause was!! Because of this, your case is still studied at the university of that town" Now that... That sent me!! I didn't realise my worth until this hit!! I'm... I'm more than just nothing!! Tried to search it on the internet, didn't really see anything, maybe they have it in paper... You know, I really want to see this!! Ngl, I REALLY want to see this!! I want to walk into the university and be like "excuse me, I'm the girl that almost died 18 years ago, mind if you show me the papers??" I mean... I'm 18, why wouldn't they want a follow up??
Heh... 18... I made it to 18!! You know, I really thought that 18 was the age that I would die!! I read my 13 y/o self's diary, and there I detailed about how when I turn into an adult, I would buy many sleeping pills and die!! Or one year ago, saying how when I moved out, I would kill myself with carbon monoxide!! And then they were the actual attempts of course!! Pills, hanging, all that!! My first suicide attempt was when I was 7... 7... And now I'm here, 11 years later, still standing , proving all my other selves wrong!!
I realised that this body isn't meant to die!! If it did, it would have done so 18 years ago!! I'm just... I'm just surprised honestly, like this body is really determined to live!! Despite everything, I'm still here!!
And if the body doesn't wanna die physically, it doesn't wanna die mentally!! So from trauma I got Hallu... Man, this guy is strong as fuck, he'll do EVERYTHING to keep me alive!! Remember all those times I tried to make myself pass out from starvation?? Do you wanna know how many times I passed out?? NONE!! None, because this body is too stubborn and eventually, Hallu would just come forward and feed me!! Like... Suicide is pointless at this point!! If I survived all this, an attempt will stay that, an attempt!! I told myself that if I don't pass this year, I'm killing myself right there on the spot, with no death date!! But after this... This looks like a piece of cake to go through!! I'm not meant to die!! Even if I want to!! I will just not die!!
It's just... Wow!! You know what, I'm sorry if I was mean to you by saying this Hallu, I take it back!! I give up trying death!! From now on, I'll try life!! This time for real!! It feels like the right thing to do!! For the little girl that went through all this... I will try my best and try to live!! For once!!
And now, I'm gonna close this entry with what I would want Hallu to hear right now, because I feel like I said something really heavy and mean last entry: Hallu... I'm sorry for being mean to you, you didn't deserve it!! You're one of the strongest people I've ever met, I really mean that!! You've showed your strength countless times, either by taking trauma or by keeping everyone alive!! You've endured so much yet you still want the best for everyone, thank you so much for that!! I mean that, I really do!! I don't feel like I'm expressing my thankfulness enough, thank you!! Thank you for standing by my side all those years, even if at times we had some disagreements!! You're a great person and literally the strongest man out there, you don't have to prove yourself to me!! Because I can see it!! Your heart is so big, you're such a kind person!! I can see the kindness within you, even when others don't!! I can see how much you're trying and how much you keep everyone safe!! You're an amazing person actually, even if you don't see it!! And for that... Thank you!! Thanks for being so kind, thanks for taking care of everyone!!
Thank you so much for existing!!
- Miss Sunshine
Feeling: Determined!!
So idk if it's from me taking so many antibiotics because cystitis just DIDN'T WANT TO GET THE HELL OUT, but now my gut feels like it's on fire!! Not very nice... :(
Overall, I've healed from everything, but there just a few things that are an inconvenience!! Like this and the fact that my nose is on vacation, so I slept only 2 hours today, because I literally couldn't breathe!! Oof!!
But anyway, I think that you know why I'm here!! I just wanna talk a little about yesterday... So, as you may or may not know, I got diagnosed with DID!! And I must say... Unlike the other disorders, I don't really... Feel that much denial right now!! Like I think that after a while you could just tell!! I looked the other way though, because I'm a person that will cling in the absolute last ounce of denial!! Like even I could tell, I just pretended that I couldn't because "Oh, BuT tHeRe Is 0,0000001% ChAnCe ThAt It MiGhT bE sChIzOpHrEnIa!!!!11!!!!1!!"
It's not that I was denying it simply because it was just DID though... It's because it's DID hard mode!! Ultra hard in fact, for two reasons!! One is the theory of structural dissociation!! If you go to did-research.org you'll see something interesting about ANPs and EPs!! If you scroll down far enough, you'll see "Mixed Apparently Normal and Emotional Parts"!! In this section, it details the characteristics of MPs and... I have actually found out 2 MPs so far, Kuro and Hallu!! They are not ANPs, they are not EPs, but somewhere in between!! The problem is that... MPs happen due to severe trauma blending into everyday life or beginning at a very young age!! Hallu said that it's both and this just... This is not something I wanted to face!! So I buried it!!
Second is polyfragmentation!! Now, I'm not saying that I'm polyfragmented, but I also am!! Not in the 100+ parts way though, like I've asked Hallu about it and even he seems very skeptical about it!! I mean polyfragmented in the subsystem, sidesystem kind of way!! Yesterday we found out that there are subsystems and sidesystems in here... So uhm... Yeah!! Also polyfragmented sometimes refers to systems with 26+ alters and the main system alone has 31... So again yeah!! I didn't wanna face that either so I minimised it as me being dramatic!! I tried to hide it so that I wouldn't look at it, therefore "it wouldn't be there"!!
But of course, life is not that type of person!! In yesterday's session, we looked a bit over my childhood drawings!! She said that I indeed have a lot of trauma from a very young age and because when I was going through them I was like "whoah that happened"?? So we discussed a little bit of my trauma and at one point, when I was asked about my dad, a little popped up!! I was like "wtf" so I told her!! After a while, more and more littles kept popping up, and I'm like "dude, wtf, Hallu come get your children, aren't you supposed to be the gatekeeper and shit??"!! Idk why so many littles popped up, did Hallu give up or something, idk!! Anyway, my point is that I've been minimising things again and again and yesterday life told me "no, it's exactly like that, don't hide it"!! So... I'm now diagnosed so I guess that I need to understand that these things must also be addressed if I wanna move on!!
Speaking of moving on... We discussed yesterday about how I'm gonna heal and all that... Now... Do I wanna integrate?? OF COURSE I wanna integrate, what kind of question is that!! Lowering the amnesia barriers, better communication, easier life management... Sounds perfect to me!! What you're thinking of is final fusion!! The psychiatrist seems more willing to go that way but uhm... I'm not really sure about that!! Back in the day, I told myself that if it's DID, I'm gonna final fuse!! But... I then found out that you can split again, after final fusion, because "once the coping mechanism is there, it's there"!! So I was like "what's the point then" and decided to settle down on functional multiplicity!! Besides, I've been with these guys through a lot, I feel like I've bonded with them in a way!! So I don't think that the grief of fusion is worth it tgat much if I'm gonna split again!!
So, I'm gonna integrate and fuse!! Gonna start with the fragments and then build up to the more developed alters!! I've already made a system journal and downloaded some apps on my phone, so I believe that I've got this!! I need to improve communication first and let them come to me!! In the beginning I thought that I was the one to go find them, but after the whole Hallu fiasco, I don't think that this is a good idea!! I think that I'm gonna let them write both here and on the profile, or make a journal of their own, it sounds like a pretty neat idea!!
Overall, I got diagnosed with DID and I want to heal!! I'm trying to make a plan on how my next move will be and all that!! I'm ready!! I've got this!! I can face it!! I can heal!!
- Miss Sunshine
Dear 13 year old me,
Today I decided to read your diary again and listen to the music you used to listen to!! It made me feel like I had to tell you about how your situation has changed since then and how things are going now!! So, without further ado, let's start!!
I want you to tell me: Remember that time you've discovered a MLP drawing channel in the comments of some video?? Remember that one playlist it had that stood out to you!! The one with videos about DID!! You didn't know what DID was, so you searched it up!! Remember what you saw?? Well I'm sure you do, you got so disturbed you started crying!! You didn't believe that everyone could go through this!! That was... Cruel!! For real, that was straight up cruelty!! How can people manage?? Well , I remember you crying!! You were so confused and blown away!! Well, let's focus on that a little, shall we??
Remember "The Beast"?? You know, that dark side of you pr whatever, the big scary wolf monster thing!! I wanna focus on that!! Do you remember how it felt?? How scary it was?? I'm sure you found it scary, if I remember correctly, I remember you crying because you didn't know what was going on!! I mean, I'm not gonna hide it from ya, even now he made me cry!! But again, let's focus on him!! Do you remember how he was like?? How he felt?? How he acted?? Do you remember him messing around in your head?? But most of all... Do you remember him taking over your body??
I know that it's scary, I know that you cried a lot over it, I know that you tried to brush it off as a weird quirk you had!! It felt like getting possessed, didn't it?? Did you believe that you were possessed, I don't remember!! I remember you having a weird obsession with demons and demonic possession, so that's why I'm asking!! Was it from The Beast?? Because The Beast was controlling you??
Well I have something to tell you!! You are not possessed!! There's nothing to worry about The Beast!! Because The Beast isn't a demon!! And I swear... Can we please stop calling him a monster?? It's damaging!! Have you asked him how he feels when you call him that, he told me he doesn't really like it when you do that!! I'm just gonna call him by his current name, because "The Beast" is kinda degrading!! So the beast we're talking about is named Hallu!! Hallu... Now this is getting tricky for me to say it to you, because I know that you aren't ready for it... But I'm gonna try and put it lightly!! The Beast... Hallu... Hallu is technically a part of you, but not in the way you think!! Because Hallu, is the result of the disorder you looked up on Google!! You aren't quite a singular person!! I know, it's hard, it's okay to cry if you want to, I cried when Kuro (another part) told me about it!! I didn't want this to be real, so I denied it!! But it IS real, it IS there, you have DID!! I got diagnosed a week ago, it's not self diagnosis, it's legit!! You know, I don't really liked that you self diagnosed with depression and borderline faked it, but I'll let it slide and I'll forgive you!! Though, to be honest, I understand that you were a little confused, since you got diagnosed with another disorder, PTSD, and PTSD has a lot of depressive symptoms in it!!
Another thing I wanted to talk to you about, is the fact that you used my age as a checkpoint for your suicide plan!! It's not the first time it happened, 12 y/o me did it, you did it, 16 and 17 year old also did it!! You guys overall want me to die!! And... I understand where you're coming from, but I won't hide the fact that this makes me upset!! I am more than just a checkpoint, 18 year old me has so much to live for!! Look at me, I got diagnosed, I found out what's wrong!! I can fix it!! Plus, life is better now!! School was hard, I'll admit!! But now it's over, things are going much better now!! You just have to be patient, dying wasn't the answer to your problems!! I know that you don't wanna die deep inside!! It's just that things seem impossible to escape from and I understand that, I understand why you spent hours trying to drown everything with music!! Hallu might do things hard for you, but that's not his intention, I swear!! His intentions are pure, he wants to protect you!! I know that you keep fighting him, but that's not the answer!! You need to talk to him!! He may not speak, but he can listen to you!! You just have to be calm and... Talk!! That's all, you have to talk to him!! Be kind!! Be polite!! He's a part of yourself after all!!
I know that this is hard to come in terms with, again, if you wanna cry, cry freely!! Because I understand how it feels to lose time from your life!! Even now, you're losing time!! An entire year of your life is lost, because of Hallu!! So you could say that I'm not exactly speaking to JUST you right now, since it's not exactly YOU, which in that case....
Hi Hallu!! Or maybe... The Beast!! How are you?? Trying to protect the body, huh?? To be honest, I never quite understood why you kept fronting with me for an entire year!! Was it the suicidal ideation?? The bullying?? I'm not sure!! Either way, I just want to let you know that I see you and I recognise you!! I see you and your efforts in protecting me!! I didn't see it then, because I couldn't understand what you were trying to do, nor what was happening!! But now I understand!! I really appreciate your efforts in keeping me alive since the age of 2!! It really means the world to me!! You are such a great person, nobody really seems to understand that right now!! But I do!! It took me some years to realise, but I now understand!! You were trying your best, and for that I salute you!! You mean the world to me!!
Overall, I just want to say to both of you that I understand!! I understand what you're currently going through, I understand that things are hard right now!! But please, don't give up just yet!! The harsh parts will go away with time, trust me!! In a few years, things will get better!! Well... I will admit, your life will change forever since you guys will see a bad dream, but what can you do about it?? Either way, I just want to say that I love you okay?? I'm always gonna be there by your side, and I want you guys to take care, okay?? I wish the best to both of you, and I overall wish you a pleasant day!!
With love
Your 18 year old self
Feeling Happy yet sad, pessimistic yet hopeful, nostalgic, also very confused!!
I... I don't know who I am right now!! I can't really seem to be able to completely pinpoint who I am but from what I feel... It's me, Miss Sunshine, Hallu, Rin and... Idk, Professor?? Renard?? Nah, those names don't stick!! So me, Hallu, Rin and... some unknown child alter(s) I think?? Idk, I'll try to figure out!! IF I'll be able though because I went up the antipsychotic dose scale so uhm... I'm gonna feel sleepy after a while... Well this is mostly gonna be me mumbling anyways, not something coherent, so I won't use my brain to think that much!! Also I'm gonna be alternating between "I" and "we" a lot so uhm... Yeah!!
I/We've been blurry all day today, and a little bit yesterday!! It's just that grandpa keeps coming over and that makes us dissociate a lot, for some reason, idk why!! And because of that blurriness is just going wild!! I did take a shower though, so that'll help!! I find the bathroom really comforting, you can go there and have your 5 minute silence, just you and your thoughts!! People leave you alone so you have some time of peace... That's why when I wanna calm down, I usually take a shower!! It helps a lot!! The warm water is really grounding!!
Anyway, I'm mostly writing this because we found some old DVDs with movies from our childhood and just... The nostalgia is so awesome, oh my god!! I wanna watch them again for the nostalgia factor, but at the same time... I'm too scared to do that!! Scared because I'll face the fact that some of them are just not remembered by my brain at all!!
Honestly... It sucks!! It feels like my childhood was taken away from me!! Like it was forcefully stolen!! Like, why erase the good stuff as well, why make me go through this?? Why couldn't I have a proper childhood, why can't I have a normal life, why am I crippled so much?? It makes me sad... I really wish I was a kid again... Anyway, let's not get too depressive here, good news is that I still remember a good chunk of them!! Thank god!!
Also tomorrow is Friday!! Damn, this week is almost over like that!! Kinda happy to be honest!! I'd pick the weekend over the week anytime!! And Friday is close to the weekend, soooo... That's good!! I wanna try to start drawing again, wanting to draw chibi for some reason... Oh yeah, Hallu said he wanted to do that, draw us all in a cutesy chibi style which honestly surprised me!! He mostly wanted to draw realism since "your drawing style is too childish, I'm not a kid" but now... Now he wants to do that, thanks age regression!! If you didn't exist Hallu would still be like that and not change at all, now his heart has softened a lot!! And I mean A LOT!! He just doesn't show it to you because he's shy... We're all shy!! Heck, he even stopped changing forms all the time because he finds this more soothing than shapeshifting... And thank god honestly, this man deserves some stability in his life!! Let's go Hallu!!
I'm still confused why it's also Rin though?? Does he like the childhood movies?? Maybe!! Maybe he wanted to ensure that the little(s) fronting right now are safe... Because god do I feel small!! Someone is DEFINITELY fronting and it must be a kid, I'm sure of it!!
Anyway, not much to talk about, just that, just general rambling... The antipsychotics have definitely kicked in now, and it's 10 PM so I'll guess I'll go sleep now... Goodnight!!
- Blurry/Group Entry
Feeling: So far alright!!
I told myself that I wouldn't update anything and maybe even leave Neocities until next session because of what was happening and how my mental health has been but today I woke up feeling... Fine!! So I may as well update and tell you guys what's been going on the past week...
So things started after last session!! It was alright for a bit, but after a while Hallu started crying and saying that he feels worthless!! Ngl, he cried a lot these days!! I mean I don't really blame him!! He's going through a rough patch!!
After a while though it kinda went wild and he started splitting and having outbursts!! Splitting as in... BPD splitting, not DID!! Which thank god honestly, I can't handle having any more alters, I'm already suffering enough, I don't want more!! So yeah, lot's of BPD splitting, anger and crying!!
Now why am I saying this?? Well... If you haven't noticed already, there's a pattern!! When someone feels upset, I end up feeling upset too!! What affects one, affects all!! So I started being like that too, and I started being very angry and distrustful towards everyone... I was even thinking of deleting every social at one point, that's how angry and sad I was!!
Ah yes, the big sad!! When the anger wore off, I became depressed!! I didn't see the point in anything anymore, I lost motivation, I stopped liking things I used to enjoy, all that!! I spent days wondering what's even the point of all of this, and if anything even matters!!
And because THAT wasn't enough, psychosis decided to jump in!! It started by some distractibility, and it escalated!! My delusions and magical thinking came back and I kept thinking again about how everyone is secretly teaming up against me, all behind my back!! That along with some other stuff!! Hallucinations so far I haven't seen but still, it's awful!! I'm still not perfectly fine, I'm still pretty depressed and in psychosis, but at least I am much better than before!! Because first of all, I got the motivation to write!! So that's a great win for me!!
I might still not talk much these days, but hey, at least now it's calming down I think!! I hope... Well this is where I take a guess and say that it's probably bipolar, a depressive episode in fact, because my psychosis is still "unspecified" and my psychiatrist said she doesn't see any symptoms of schizophrenia, soo... I guess it might be bipolar?? I mean I had some moments when I was very excited and felt like god, so you never know!! Might be that... Gonna see next time!!
Well, to be honest, I never expected to experience a depressive episode, I only remember the mani- oh wait, I just wasn't paying attention, huh!! Wow!! Well anyways, I just wanted to tell you that I wasn't that active because I wasn't feeling really well, but now things are going better I think!! Just trying to hang in there because if I don't I'm gonna have a breakdown and I think that nobody wants that!! So, that's all, either expec me to write again soon or just... Do nothing!! Either way, that was it for now, bye bye!!
- Miss Sunshine
PS: Okay, you know what, expect me to write more, this entry really cheered me up, even if I didn't say something that happy!! Yes, I'm now coming back, misswannabe is once again on Neocities, woo!!
TW: Discussions of disordered eating (and overall bad mental health)
Feeling: Anxious and unmotivated, though oddly calm!!
Hi!! How are you all?? Me?? Well uhm... Depends!! Emotionally or mentally?? Emotionally I'm fine, mentally I'm not well... The episode is still active and I'm still being somewhat eh, so... I don't know if I hallucinated yesterday, I think that I did... So that has to be my first hallucinatory episode!! I guess who knows, maybe I misheard something and thought that it was a hallucination?? Delusions (I think) are still there and... I'm just managing!! What's great is that I was gonna tell my psychiatrist about it but we spent all session talking about my memories so uhm... Oops!! Idk if I should call her and tell her about it because hey, that might escalate but right now I'm fine so... I mean it's not THAT bad, right?? I'm managing!! I'm managing though because right now I'm on PMS stage 1, the moment it reaches stage 3 idk what I'm gonna do!! And it's coming soon, I literally have no idea!!
I hid the guestbook, I'm sorry guys, I love you, but right now my brain keeps telling me that people are after me so uh, no!! Will keep the profile though, I'm not THAT paranoid yet, plus I constantly check it so by brain logic it's fine!! You might wonder what you can do in this TrYiNg TiMe, well just... Keep being you!! It's fine, really!! Let's all just be nice to eachother and hopefully nobody will start fear mongering because GOD, that thing last year made me have such terrible paranoia , I considered leaving Neocities!! So uhm... Not that!! Also no reality checking!! It has no point and it will make things worse, so let's not do that!!
Turns out that this entire time I wasn't 50 kilos, I was 48!! Basically in the border... I just became 50 thanks to Abilify!! But... I had a self hate session relapse and started doing them again!! I hadn't one in ages, I stopped since those 5 months!! Which is natural, if someone beats the everloving shit out of you, why do it yourself?? Though I will admit, despair made me have some along with that!! But I had one and just... This time it's going for real, this time I don't even wanna skip meals or see how long it takes me to pass out, this time I wanna die!! Not that I'm suicidal, I just wanna see my body rot and decay!! I want it to burn again... I know that relapses happen but holy shit, now it really is not the time!!
Luckily I ate breakfast and I'm intending to eat lunch, because Kuro is helping me and Abilify sure makes it hard when you feel a different kind of hungry!! But idk what will happen when they'll... Stop!! Kuro changed, I don't know if he'll be able to help like last year and I'm not gonna take those meds forever (...right??)!! Also surprising how Hallu isn't the one helping, like that's his job, if me hungry, he give food!! Idk... He said "there are caretakers, backup caretakers, backup backup caretakers, if you won't eat, they'll make you to" so I doubt that I'll be able to reach that point... Pf my self hate I mean, I don't know, does what I say make sense, my thoughts are a little all over the place now so I might sound like... Idk, weird!!
Man, my thoughts vanished now!! I wanted to say something but I forgot, uhm... Should I hide this update?? Idk, I feel kinda ashamed of it, ngl!! Like why am I suddenly like this, I was okay this morning!! What just happened?? Well I'm probably gonna hide it, I don't want you to see this, it's ugly!! Anyway, that's all I had to say, see ya!!
- Miss Sunshine
Feeling: Does bliss count as an emotion?? I think so!!
Hey hey everyone, how's it going?? I'm feeling much better now!! :) Much much better!! That's amazing actually!! You know for a while I couldn't write anything because my thoughts were all over the place but here I am now talking!! Yaaayyy!!
So let's talk about yesterday shall we?? But first, please let's have a moment to appreciate the fact that I can write again, omg!! Guys, I tried to write yesterday and two days ago and I couldn't make coherent sentences, oh my god!! Now I can!!!!
Anyway, yesterday!! I learned an important lesson yesterday!! Turns out that I deserve to have fun and all!! It's okay to be me and do silly things, it's okay to be yourself!! I say this because yesterday our parents wanted to go to a disco party, and I decided to tell them that I wanna come, because I thought that Hallu T. would like it!!
...
... When we went there, he said that he liked it but it wasn't enough for him to go out in the front and that he'll just watch from the back... So I (< not a party animal, basically the opposite of Hallu T.) stayed there... Not knowing what to do... I mean I wasn't mad, but it's like telling a friend to hang out and they tell you last minute that something is up and they have to go!! I mean, that's unfortunate to hear but couldn't life tell us this earlier?? Like, come on...
Now what?? Well I came here, I may as well try to dance... I tried to dance... And none said anything!! Nobody cared!! Nobody tried to mock me!! So I kept dancing... And dancing... And it was good honestly!! Damn, as long as it's not people my age, I feel pretty confident in dancing!! And in that there were people of all ages, plus the songs were disco (aka not something that you would hear in a club, aka that means that I like them) so I felt more comfortable in dancing!! Man, they should put more songs like that, like rave, trance, techno, disco, hardcore, gabber, all that in the clubs, just something different!! It may sound shocking but I don't like Greek music that much... I know, paradoxical, like the same way I don't like feta cheese on pizza but... That's just how it is, that's just how I am!!
Also when it was time to order, I decided to get myself some ✨AlCoHoL✨ because 1, impulse control is dead, and 2, I felt like I wanted to, just because!! Tried to trigger Hallu a little bit, just in case HE wanted to dance?? Yeah... Didn't front but at least I drank some sangria and oh my god, it is awesome!! First time ordering alcohol for me, yaaasss!! Did I get drunk?? Well, felt my mood lift up a bit and actually dissociated a little but... Not drunk!! My mood getting lifted, eh, this happens with drinks, dissociation also not surprising, many say that dissociation makes them feel high or the other way around, soo... Again, not surprising!! I was kinda surprised honestly, I thought Hallu made my body harder to get drunk (when he was abusing alc, it was either liquor, or sangria when he didn't have access to it... Oh my god, is this what Hallu T. is?? Being in a good drunk state as a person??) but maybe it's because he stopped!!
Turns out that yesterday's decision helped a lot actually, because I let out some steam!! I've been kinda irritable these days and that helped me calm down a bit!! Like in order to understand, before I go, Hallu almost relapsed (again) and got introduced to 3 MORE persecutors, so it felt less like trying to manage alters, and more like trying to parent children because oh my god, Hallu keeps RELAPSING!! I understand that it'll happen, I understand that in the beginning everything is hard, but god, persecutors are like little children, you teach them something and you have to do it again A MILLION times in order to get it!! And I don't have that much energy right now!! At least he's trying though, I'll give him that!!
Ngl, I snapped when I got introduced to The General, because I thought that he was a persecutor too, and labeled him as such, despite the fact that he told me he's a protector!! Idk, it's just that he looks like Hallu (I label everyone wearing military clothes as such, lol) and I felt such a crushing weight on me... I don't want more Hallus right now... Idk if he's mad at me for lashing out like that at him... I understand if he is, I shouldn't have done that!! Idk why I got so surprised though, I mean my dad is in the military after all!! Rin told me that we have military alters, police alters, agent alters, overall, lots of authority figures!!
I grew up with a whole lot of authority figures so now I'm hyper obedient... I don't like lashing back, along with the people who do, it feels like disturbing the peace and disturbing the peace has consequences!! And nobody wants consequences!! So you just obey!! That's why alters like Hallu and The General are terrifying, and that's why I have alters that have roles like this!!
Ngl, the whole ordeal makes me wonder if I've been through RAMCOA... I've been recovering memories these days, which added to my whole irritability, but nothing RAMCOA related yet... Idk.. I really don't know... It feels like something happened but at the same time I don't remember anything so maybe it's not real?? I'm making it up?? Not that RAMCOA isn't real, it absolutely is, I just don't know if I've been through it... A lot of alters are saying yes but guess what?? I'm gonna pretend like it doesn't exist!! As always!! Until proven otherwise!!
Anyway, that is all for now, hopefully you guys are having a lovely day, and I'll see you soon!! :D
- Miss Sunshine
Feeling: Relaxed
Dear 18 year old me,
How are you?? I remember you being extremely unwell during the time I'm writing!! Being dissociated and stuff!! You didn't really know what to do, am I right??
I remember that you felt like it was never going to end!! Well I am here to tell you this: It has ended!! Your suffering has ended, the hell you've been through has ended!! I know that it was a rough 5 month period so I'm trying to let you know that everything is now alright!! Everything has changed now!! I am more functional, I live in a better state, I can do what I want without living in fear about what's gonna happen next, overall life is better now!!
The thing is... I understand what you're going through!! I understand it, I really do!! It's hard living with someone in your head that threatens that he'll kill you, right?? After all, you tried to suppress him through music, or threatened him back that you're gonna make him go away through antipsychotics, or even tried to exorcise him at one point, don't think that I forgot that!! I understand that though, you were desperate for answers about what this guy is, that you thought the word "demon" made sense somehow!! But it's okay, you were desperate, and for that I understand!! Despair is hard to go through!! After all, when is it gonna end is a question that didn't seem to have an answer!!
The thing is though... Have you ever thought, not the how but the why you're going through this?? I know that Hallu may be frightening and intimidating but have you ever thought why he does that?? Now that's an interesting question to answer!!
I just wanted to say that me and Hallu are getting along now!! I'm saying that not because I wanna flex or something, but because I discovered something interesting!! If you paid attention to the first time you met him, you would see what the reason was for acting like that!! Like he said, you went too deep!! You tried to dig up CSA memories and he didn't want that!! He didn't want you to find out!! So because of that, he tried to scare you away!! Because if you get scared, you won't look into it, right??
You see, both of you are operating in fear!! You fear that he is gonna go crazy so you act the way you act, and he fears that you are gonna remember so he tries to be intimidating!! I think that you should know, all that threating stems from fear!! He's just as scared of you, as you are of him!!
I must admit, there are still some things that don't excuse his behaviour at all, such as him beating the everloving shit out of you, or that, but regardless, he's still scared!! Very very scared in fact!!
Because of that I just wanted to tell you... Be kind!! Just be kind!! You have seen a few times how he actually acts nicer when you try to be nice to him, so why not just try to be a little nicer!! He may be scary, but he's no monster, he loves some good appreciation!! In fact, I think that he really needs to hear some!! Just try to make him feel more loved and try to follow his advice and everything is going to be alright!! Stop looking into the memories, he doesn't like that!! Just be patient and kind!!
Overall, I understand what you're going through!! I get that it's extremely hard for you to live the life you want right now, when you're constantly dissociated but I guarantee you, things will get better!! You just gotta be patient and show him a lot of love okay?? He just deserves just as much love as you, okay?? Please take care of yourself!!
With love
Your 18 year old self
Feeling: Proud, determined
Hi hi everyone, how's it going?? :D Me?? Well, I'm doing much better today this year!! ^^
Today marks the one year since my PTSD diagnosis!! Can't believe that it's already been a year!! Wow!! Time sure flies when you least expect it!!
So how am I doing today?? Well, I'm definitely much better now!! I've accepted the fact that I have it, and now I'm working towards it!! I have uncovered quite a bit of memories so that's nice!! I also now have the support of the PTSD community so things sure feel less alone compared to last year!! And, of course, I've actually made it a goal to heal, fr this time!!
Overall, I'm in much better state now!! I haven't done a self hate session in a while, I take better care of myself and I've been in a better state now that I know what's happening to me!! And since I know what's been going on, I know how to manage it!! So that's great!!
Of course, I still have a long way to go!! DID is seriously impairing my ability to manage my PTSD due to the switching and amnesia when I get triggered, so... Yeah!! Might wanna focus a little bit on that!! I haven't recovered all my memories and I'm still in denial for quite a lot of things, so that also stops me from healing quite a bit!! The psychiatrist says that I should accept it but it's just... So hard!! I don't wanna believe what Hallu says to me!! I just don't!!
But from the other hand... I have to!! Not because I can't heal another way, but because I wanna fuse quite a bit!! Rin told me the real number of alters that I have, I mean, I HOPE that it's the real and final number... 358 alters!! Yeah!! As if I'm letting myself live with that many alters, two are already enough, imagine 358!! I wanna fuse so that life can become more manageable!! I need a long way of course, but the good thing with being polyfragmented is that you can fuse easier and more alters each time!! So I finally need to consider fusion!! I don't like how my sister and psychiatrist consider final fusion as the only goal, but... For now we all agree that a fusion is absolutely necessary!!
I'm thinking of trying to start with the fragments first, since they are easier!! Maybe the formless ones!! Just need to give them a form, find out why they're here, process that, fuse, heal!! A case with a system that was polyfragmented nailed to fuse up to 10 alters at a time so I have my hopes up!!
Multiplicity and me said that fusing helped a lot with PTSD symptoms, so I wanna focus on that!! It's two birds with one stone!! So fusion and acceptance it is!! Because acceptance is where everything starts!!
I have a long path ahead of me but I don't fear!! I can do this, I can manage this!! Whatever I've been through, I need to accept it!! I have to!! Through that I can finally find the inner peace I've been longing for, for years!!
- Miss Sunshine
Feeling: Happy and content
Hello hello there, how are you all doing?? Me?? Uhm, well...
You haven't updated in the past five days, this isn't like you, is everything okay?? Well, yesn't!! I've been feeling pretty good these days actually, and my mood has been great, but my mental health went nosediving!!
I think that I had another psychotic episode, either that or the previous one didn't actually end and decided to take a break and come back, I don't really know!! I started believing that everyone was after me so I was too scared to update, because to me, even slight activity could result in me getting hurt!! I will keep being like this for a few more days because it still hasn't gone away and it will stay there until I'll get a higher dose of Abilify (which that is happening next week) so I'll probably go back to hiding after this!!
I also started hallucinating again, like I tried to sleep and heard someone knocking on the door... Or that time I tried to to drink milk and it tasted like sangria... Not all of them were bad, like me hallucinating food, but still, they are hallucinations!! Except the voices!! Those were mean as hell!! Couldn't take proper care of myself so they kept mocking me for that... Well thanks, I think that I have noticed that by now!!
But luckily I was in a good emotional state despite all that, so I could manage!! I can handle one more week of this, so yeah!! I'm feeling really great actually, not the manic type of great, the good type of great!!
Now thankfully I can take better care of myself!! I've been eating better, I nailed to reintroduce dinner to my day and I've been healthier!! I'm also reaching the end of the need to take iron supplements, just two more months!! My skin has finally it's original colour, I'm not heavy breathing, my heart has its rate restored, overall I've been healthier!! Mentally too, like if you ignore what I'm going through right now I'm doing great!! I feel more acceptance and compassion towards myself and I don't see me as a burden this much anymore!! I feel more willing to work towards my problems and I want to hurt myself less!! I haven't had a self hate session so that's great!!
Tonight I'm gonna try and fuse for the first time!! I am so excited!! I want to see how it feels like!! I feel like I have what it takes and I'm ready for this, so I'm gonna do a "fusion ritual"!! Hallu is gonna help too, and he said that if I don't feel like it, I can tell him and he'll stop the ritual!! I'm so happy, I'll finally be a little closer to being whole!! I must say, I'm terrified of fusing all the way through, that's why I've been thinking of functional multiplicity instead but... Final fusion is something that I'm starting to reconsider again!! Not now though, final fusion will only be possible until I'll have a job and family of my own, otherwise I feel like I need their help, so it's not happening any time soon!!
Speaking of that, I came out to my language class for some weird unknown reason, lmao!! Idk, the conversation just ended up being related to mental health and the teacher asked me how the psychiatrist is going so uh... I said it!! Lul!! Everyone was super understanding and nice though, it's the reason why I'm so happy today!! My parents are in denial, my sister doesn't care and I really needed someone to hear me!! So when that happens I overshare, haha!! 😅😅😅 Same with my PTSD back in the day, I told my math teacher about it!! Omg, she's such a sweetheart, I love her so much!! She's the best teacher ever, she even made me like math, fr!!
Anyway, what else... Well I've been more determined to pass the Panhellenics this year, so I'm studying harder!! I'll admit, last year I kinda gave up, so this time I'm trying my best, and trying to study 3 hours a day!! So because of that, I keep daydreaming about my life in the uni!! I'll admit, I try to devaluate it as much as humanly possible, so that if it's disappointing, I won't get hurt, but my brain is very optimistic and changes that!! I really have my hopes up this year, I feel like I'm gonna go great!! I really hope so in fact!!
Anyway, that's all for now, I have nothing to add, hope that you all are having a great day!! :)
- Miss Sunshine
Feeling: Pumped!!!!
Hi hi everyone, how are you all?? Well, I'm personally super great actually, everything seems so much better today!! (< is on fluoxetine!!) (Okay yeah that too, but I woke up in a good mood, before taking it!! Which blows my mind actually, the fact that people are supposed to be waking up in a good mood, motivated for the day... It's just alien to me!!)
Btw sorry for making my updates and comments disappear these days, it's just that if I didn't update in the morning, I would get paranoid!! Luckily it's a morning now so this update will stay, dw!! There's still some paranoia left but overall it's going much better now!! I got up the dose scale again so I believe that it's gonna be alright!! Man, I really cannot thank Abilify enough, it has done wonders to me!! I'm so grateful!!
But yeah, apparently I'm also depressed, lol!! One thing to add to the list!! Am I though?? I mean I also have hypomania sooo... It's bipolar, isn't it?? But then again, isn't hypomania alone bipolar?? Who knows!! I can't get diagnosed right now because my psychiatrist is gonna diagnose me if I hurt myself along the process (something that happens only in bipolar 1 and I'm talking about bipolar 2) so... I'm just left with Bipolar?? Question mark in parentheses??
Maybe that's her way of saying I have it though?? Idk?? Hallu said that our anxiety diagnoses got revoked but that isn't... exactly right?? She just unlabeled it, it's only just "anxiety" now!! Same with "depression"!! It's not MDD it's... "Depression"!! So idk, maybe that's also the way of saying "bipolar"?? Who knows!!
I'm on Ladose now and I'm just... Thank you!! Thank god!! I'm so happy!! I'm not happy because I'm taking antidepressants, I'm happy because I'm taking an SSRI... And did you know?? SSRIs help with OCD and PTSD too!! Professor is gonna benefit so much from this, I need to tell him immediately!! Finally after all this time, he can finally rest, I just want to see him smile!! He's been holding so much pain, I want things to get better for him!! Also this one in particular helps with PMDD too, YES!! Now I'm not saying that I have it at all but there's just SOMETHING that keeps happening in that phase that makes me want to die so whatever it is, this thing I hope will make it calm down!! Oh god, thank STARS for this, I'm so grateful!!
X1 came over too so we hanged out!! Psychosis sure is hard, but when you have a friend that's there makes it so much easier!! I'm so glad I got to see her!! After that I got the best sleep I could these days and that says a lot!! The night before that I had a terrible night so this cheered me up a lot!! Same with yesterday, I slept great and the night before I slept terribly!! So yeah!!
Also, I noticed a thing!! I went through my 2022 diary and I saw that I have been through THE EXACT SAME THING!! Last year!! Hmmm... I see a pattern here... And it makes me wonder if the Panhellenics are causing this because these hallucinations must be stress induced again!! Oh god, I hope things don't go through the same route as last year, I really hope not, I DESPERATELY do so in fact!! I really wanna pass this year!!
Now onto the not so good stuff, the fusion failed!! Big oof!! You know, maybe it's a reality check for me, because I sure thought that it's gonna be easy like that!! NOPE!! It's going to take years to achieve a fusion!! Well shit!! I really wanna fuse at least a bit though!! Around the time I made last entry, Hallu and I were very blendy those days amd it just felt SO GOOD!! I had his dominance and I could get my needs across and it was SO SO GREAT!! I felt like I had a voice!! I was more confident in myself and everything!! It was such a beautiful feeling!! I want fusion for me to fee this hapoy thing so for now, I guess I'm not gonna try to force anything!!
I deleted my vent acc on Tumblr out of paranoia!! I feel so bad, I really liked that account!! I'm gonna miss it!! Well, I hope that I'll keep my main sanitised enough though, because if I merge entirely my two accs together now that the vent one is gone, I fear that I'm gonna delete that one too!! And I really don't want that!! I've already debated about deleting Neocities whilst in my paranoia, but now that I'm starting to get out of it, it's not gonna happen!! Yay!! I really wanna stay here no matter what!! It's kinda odd that I've made it this far tbh, maybe that's why I consider deleting it!! Nothing in my life is stable, not even the place I live!! So this... This is stable!! Which sounds suspicious!! Me?? Stability?? That can't be, something is going to happen!! So for that... I get thoughts like these!! I try to fight them though!!
Also... I went to my abuser's house!! Around him my entire system kinda shuts down so I... Wanted to do it on purpose!! I felt so... Normal!! I just wanted to feel normal!! I wanted to feel like everything is fine!! Nothing happened, nobody is hurt, I didn't go through anything, I am completely fine!! So no communication from alters is no alters, right?? Right??
Hallu and I had an argument about this!! He didn't talk to me for the rest of the day!!
I just... I just don't want to believe that!! I don't want to believe anything he says!! Neither him nor the psychiatrist!! Like yeah, sure, nice argument!! One small issue: It didn't happen!! Nothing happened!! I am completely fine!!
Yet again... I really wanna know what happened!! I'm torn between my PTSD avoidance and my curiosity so I just... Sit there, not knowing what to do!! But maybe the psychiatrist is right!! I have to face it!! I have to deal with it, I have to accept it!! It's not gonna be an easy task, but it isn't impossible!!
Anyway, that's all that's been happening these days!! I've nothing more to add so... I'm gonna go ahead and end this entry here, wishing you all a lovely day!! :)
- Miss Sunshine
PS: Apparently I'm good at expressing things, what?? I don't mean it the way you think, I'm talking about expressing when writing!! And this just... Blew me away?? Like I sometimes have disorganised thinking but despite that I can write well?? Wow!!
