hi!!My journalhi!!

Welcome to this world of mine, called mind!! Wanna learn something?? Maybe now's your chance!!

Vibin

1/1/2022

Hey hey, everyone, happy new year!! I hope that you all are having a nice year!! I personally believe that 2022 will be a cool year because a coin inside a sweet said so!!
Well, where should I start: Well, new diary file (RIP the old one, will miss you!!), I decided to keep the appearance the same, because I have attachment issues with the old one!!
Also, while I'm at it, I remembered why I make two !! instead of one!! The answer is shaky hands!! As you can see, sometimes I do typos, such as replacing o with p and e with r, because my hands decide they want to start moving on their own!! Another thing I do is accidentally press something two times instead of one!! In the beginning, I was fixing it, but eventually I just gave up!! (Do you know how it's like to be a perfectionist and have that?? Thank god the suggested words exists on my phone!!)
I'm saying this, because idk if I should go back and try to fix everything, or just let it be because I'm too lazy...
Also, I saw that in my previous one I started writing at 9/1 instead of now, and I wondered why... Then I remembered that I lost my website for a while... Creepy, I don't want that to happen again!!
Anyway, even though I don't like setting goals for the new year, but I hope that I can answer these until next year... Such as: will this diary be for the whole year, or should I start making two, one for winter and one for summer?? can I stop thinking about university for once (just because everyone treats you like you're 18- and ignore that you are still a teen doesn't mean that you have to do the same to me brain!!)?? am I a copinglinker?? am I a pet regressor as well?? where do I swing?? (yes, we have many identity questions here!!) what should my artist name be?? what should I do in that live I'm planning to do (coming this year)?? what mental illness will I uncover this year (the fact that in 2020 I had GAD, and in 2021 I had GAD, social anxiety and ancraophobia, makes me scared about what I'm gonna find!!)?? what character should I cosplay as?? will I find the motivation to do weirdcore characters for that stpry I want?? are the nightmares done yet?? why does this decade feel so far like a long year (I still feel like it's 2020, can you believe that it's been 2 years)??
Well, only the future awaits!! Let's see what will happen!!
- Creator


11/1/2022

Oh wow, today is angel number day, damn!!
Well, these past days I felt kinda sick... Yes, it's exactly what you think it is, I got covid!! Well, in the beginning, my throat started hurting and I was feeling really weak and cold, and I did the self and rapid test and it showed negative results, but we did the more detailed one today, and it showed that I have it!! Honestly, thank god, because if I just relied on these, I would have to either a) force myself to go to school, even though I know that I wouldn't be able to do anything or b) stay home, with the crippling anxiety that I don't know if have saved enough days to skip school and study during the end of the year!! But luckily if you have it, you just need to bring a paper to school to excuse your absence, and boom, everything gone!! Thank goodness!!
So yay, but also not yay, because I'm unable to leave my room unless I have to go to the bathroom, and also when I'm listening to music and acting out my daydreams, my self goes from my room to the kitchen, so oof, I have to hold that (luckily I also have other ways, so that won't be a problem...)
I must say, I'm really glad that mom has left us for 2 months due to work, because now I can't infect her!! She's the #1 person that knows what to do when you're sick, but at the same time she's the #1 person that shouldn't be here right now!! I remember her being unable to leave the couch when she got vaccinated, so I believe that having her here while I'm like this is a bad idea!!
So far I feel pretty good, better than 2 days ago when I was just freezing and being so weak that I would just randomly fall asleep... Thank god I got vaccinated, because even though mom is #1 on the weak immune system leaderboard, I'm #2, and I don't feel like freezing more and having my throat be worse!!
Well anyway, I guess that I can have more time to be here, and do more stuff!! That's good I guess!!
- Creator
Update: I forgot to write that I also ate the classic Pringles instead of the salt and vinegar ones, and eating them while having a mild taste, and not something that makes my tongue regret why it exists for the next couple of days, feels weird!!


13/1/2021

Yaaayyy, it's 13 today!! Well, I would do something, but I really can't leave my room, I only left to take a bath, and that was pretty much it!! Okay, I tried also to do some datamosh, but I left it, mainly because there was something on the screen that wouldn't just be nice and leave, so I couldn't see much what I did... Also, I had to take that bath, so I didn't do much anyway!!
Also, there's this picture of da comfort character, and I look it at times, just to check how I feel!! I love it, because I just project, and get a response!! Also, his expression is mostly neutral, so he can fit many emotions... But today he was judging me!! That means that I'm stressed about something... Well, I guess that's because at the end of this month 31/1 will be like "bonjour", but I kinda doubt that that's the case, because during 3/10, I felt pretty good... And 3/10 is worse in my opinion... Idk, I'll see!!
And because my mind was just thinking about sushi day, and watching weirdcore/dreamcore/nostalgiacore tiktoks, my brain decided to unlock all the gory nightmares I had as a kid... I mean, they are just two, but holy cow, that's not normal!! Also I watched a "I'm gonna scream the loudest I've ever screm" video on my recommended, and omg, I remembered the series "Rabbids Invasion"!! Idk, it feels so unreal to me that was a thing that actually existed in this realm, the whole series is like a fever dream!!
Also I learned that all the creepy stuff your brain does to you is mostly during the weekend... I then went all over the dates that my brain was like "but what if I just ruined your day", and omg, half of them were literally during the weekend!! I really don't know how to feel about this!!
Well, anyway, in 5 days it's My Melody's birthday, and I really wanna make a playlist based on her, because for some reason there's none on YouTube... Like what??
Well, that's pretty much it, I don't have anything else to say, I hope that you are all fine, and that you are having a nice day!! :)
- Creator


16/1/2022

Hi hi everyone!! How is everyone going?? Well, I got pretty obsessed with My Melody these days, so now I obsessively want a plushie of her so bad, my FBI agent worries why half of my search history is about her!!
But well, anyway, today I wanna write about... uuuuuhhhh... that... yeah... Yeah, it's that gore picture that I can't off my head since this morning!! Not because it shocked me so much, but mostly because I just felt that feeling that I haven't felt in some months... Also, I remembered some gorey nightmares I had as a kid, so I went "alright, let's talk about this!!" So yeah, this will be about gore, and I'll get into some detail, so if you wanna skip this entry, it's understandable!!

Ok, with that put of the way, let's start: So, I must say, the picture is not that graphic, it's just Uta being amputated, and My Melody being ripped in two (don't worry, there's stuffing inside!!) and Kuromi crying, trying to stop someone!! Ok, now that I wrote it, I really feel like I would dream this!! It fits so much with the other things I dreamt as a kid!! But anyway, that for later!!
Now, you see, there's not guts, no organs everywhere, nothing too much for me!! Not that means much anyway, because I can handle drawn gore, and I honestly kinda like stuff like candy gore!! So what happened here??
This situation reminds me of the second nightmare I had as a kid!! It was with Barbie and a prince, in a castle, and then suddenly Barbie fell, and she shattered into her limbs (one head there, one arm there), and then the prince got shocked, and he said "We must do something, you're gonna bleed!!" and then her head stood up, and she said "It's alright, I'm gonna drink it!!" and then it fell back, and the whole room flooded with blood... It was like the picture (no guts or anything), but unlike it, I actually got over it, and I'm fine now!! But if it's not that, then what is it??
Well, let's look at my first nightmare, shall we?? So in this one, we have Rinko from Jewelpet!! In this one, it was just some creepy bug body horror thing, and I must say... This is probably one of the reasons why I'm scared of bugs and can't handle body horror at all!! I'm actually so disturbed, that I didn't even describe this in detail!!
Well, you are comparing body horror to amputation, that's not exactly how it goes!! Yes, but I wanna point something out: I was a big fan of Jewelpet!! There were times when I would watch it in secret, because my parents wouldn't let me!! I LOVED Jewelpet!! I still do!! So, because of that, seeing this nightmare was extremely disturbing, creepy, unsettling, and all kinds of things!!
That's happening to me again right now, Onegai My Melody is my biggest comfort, because My Melody is so calmimg and soothing, she literally made me binge watch the entire season!! To me, My Melody is this pure being that will make me calm down and feel safe!! So now, seeing this, made me feel like my comfort was being violently destroyed in front of my eyes!! I really felt threatened by this!!
And that's what makes Sushi Day, or 31/1 so bad!! It's your comfort character ripping his organs out in 4K, and you can't stop looking at it, because your head refuses to!! It's that comfort being brutally destroyed and taken from you!! And that's how you go from a comfort character, to a monster that hides in the corner of your room, resulting in you waking up in the middle of the night to make sure nothing will attack you, and even having moments when you would cry because you don't wanna go to sleep because of this!!
And that's what makes me so worried about My Melody!! Because I want her to be this innocent, comforting being, not something that will keep me up at night!! I really want something comforting, things like these make me extremely upset!! I don't know what to do, I hope that it won't evolve like that!!

.... Okay, anyway, I thought something irrelevant, so now I have to say it: My man is literally the only one that is a dude in this whole gorey thing!! You go my guy, don't let those stereotypes get into you, dp what you love, go crazy!! *laughs while crying*
- Creator


20/1/2022

Well, hello there!! I'm Miss Wannabe!! Idk if you get the reference... Well anyway!!
Good news, I'm starting to get better!! That means that tomorrow we'll go to do a test, and after that I'll be fine!! Mom also comes this Tuesday instead of February, and that makes me happy!! We won't have to wait another month for her to come back, yaaayyy!!
Also, these days I have regressed these days more than I did in my previous lifetimes combined!! I literally spent half the time in this room just regressing!! A little bit because I watched Onegai My Melody, a little bit because of what I was eating, but I think that it's mostly because I felt really safe and loved!! Like, holy cow, I have never been this happy while regressed!! I love it!!
Now that I think of it, I should write down some things about it, because I wanna get a clearer view of what my little age is... We'll get there eventually!!
In general I must say, these days were really nice for me, I loved them, I want things to keep going like this!! Everything is so great right now!!
- Creator


7/2/2022

This user forgot to put a warning about discussions of trauma, until midway through!! Congrats!!
Oh no, cursed day!! What have I discovered this month??
Well, I was like "well, I'm not gonna do anything, I'm just gonna sit here..." And yeah, for some reason I have this weird sensation around my neck... I don't like it!! It's stuff like this that make me go "What the hell is happening?? I'm not traumatised, but I keep seeing nightmares and having sensations, what is happening??" I'm sure they are not flashbacks, because I know that I'm not reliving that moment of my life, and neither are the nightmares about things that happened to me!! I mean my parents and family are really nice and caring, so trauma from them is impossible!! In general, people in my life are decent, so it's not like someone abused me!! Besides, I must say since I was a kid my imagination and dreams were weird, and I remember my childhood quite well honestly!! And everything was just fine?? Then what, someone did something to me in the hospital the moment I was born?? Yeah, that's stupid!!
Like, I KNOW I'm not traumatised, but last week I told my therapist about 31/1 and 3/10 and she said "that makes me concerned" and like not the I'm simply concerned the "I'm asking you to give me permission to talk about this with your uncle (maybe because he's a psychiatrist), because wth did I just heard!!" And since that moment my mind goes "what if it's this??" "what if it's that??" and it doesn't want to shut up!! Don't you hate it when sessions end in a cliffhanger, and you have to wait a whole week until you can go again??
Oh, about 31/1 you ask?? Well, I decided to make my OCs do a surgery on my comfort character, ate noodles instead of sushi (oof!!) and cried about the fact that I couldn't play Toram Online with my sister like last year, because my phone doesn't support the new versions anymore!! :,)
Well everything would be fine... But I forgot that sushi day actually lasts until the end of February, because of course yes!! January he takes out his organs, February he beats up people!! Don't worry he doesn't discriminate, you're included!! :,) (Isn't Maladaptive Daydreaming so awesome??)
Also irrelevant something also happened again this morning, and my brain said "alright, we shut off ourselves emotionally!!" and it was just a big void for a while... I wanted to get annoyed at it, but nah, I couldn't because void!! How did P lasted so many months like this?? And he had more things than his emotions shut off... How did he manage, oh my god...
Speaking of P, I've been weirdly obsessing over 12/3 for a while, and I hate it!! And I must say looking back at it makes me wonder how did K manage to be with us when we were like that?? No really, the best way I can describe me and P during that period is "we were like drug addicts"!!
Meanwhile, I must say, for some reason I'm actually fine while I'm writing this?? Idk, I should be sad or something, but I feel fine while writing this, idk... If I sound sad, I'm actually not!! It's really like that sometimes when I just say weird stuff and I'm like "this is fine!!"

Well anyway, I just wanted to write something, because I was like "WHAT?? LAST UPDATED 4 DAYS AGO??" so here I spawned!!
- Creator


15/2/2022

Can't tell if it's the fact that I haven't slept much or because the bloodbath is coming, but I feel like ranting!!
Hi!! :) How are you doing?? Happy Valentine's Day for yesterday!! How did you spend your day?? Well I personally just sat there... I wasn't hyped about it, but I'm not one of those that cried their fates either!! I just vibed... Though I must say, that piece of paper over there... I feel like I need to confess to it one day!! Oh paper senpai, will you accept my feelings??
Wait, didn't you have that guy that confessed to you you may ask!! Well yes, but as of today, he's getting dumped, because honestly screw him!! Why?? Well, here's a whole explanation!!
So he confessed literally OUT OF NOWHERE, and for some reason that makes sense?? Like idk if he saw something that I do in class and he found it nice, because I literally just sit there playing with my hair, scratching my head, and writing in my school diary (as I call it)!! I honestly can't find something attractive about this!! I don't talk much either, so it's not like he likes something about my personality!! No really, there are times where I talk like an npc giving my famous answers "yes" "idk" and "maybe"!! No seriously, you here on Neocities know 10x the things that my average classmate does!! Now that I think of it I did compliment him at one point, but I can't understand the mental gymnastics of me making one single compliment and then they confess to me!!
And now, the reason why I'm like "okay, that was it!!" Because this guy just doesn't want to spend 10 minutes being with me!! Yes, in the beginning we were in some breaks, but now I hear the stupidest of excuses when I ask him!! Like bro, shouldn't you try at least to make me like you, I felt suprised in the beginning, but now I feel flat annoyed!! And it shows, because let me ask you, when was the last time I talked about him?? If I lose interest over someone, then why even bring them up??
I swear to god, K cared more about me!! But whatever, let's leave him aside!! Do you remember V?? Fun fact, V talked to me because he loved me, but when I started acting like a jerk (I didn't know that V liked me during that time, sorry V!!) do you know what happened?? V still talked to me, heard my problems, and even now when he moved towns, we still talk to each other and pretty frequently!! So what's your excuse?? If anything, this whole thing make me ask myself if I should openly go to V and say "I love you" even though I'm not sure if I do!! I feel way more things for V than this guy!! This is unreal!!
That's all I'm saying for now!! Btw, pizza girl, you're next, me and my sister finally cut ties with you, thank god!! When I'll have a big list of things, I'll do one entry for you, your time is coming!! But seriously, if you say you love me but can't dedicate to me 5 minutes over the span of two months, do you really expect me to still care??
- Creator


19/2/2022

Hello everyone!! How are you all doing!! :) Wait... no, maybe I should change it, I just remembered randomly yesterday that I used to watch "The Adventures of Hello Kitty and Friends" and in that series, Hello Kitty had a blog, and she started her entries with "Dear readers"!!
Irrelevant, but I mentioned Hello Kitty, and I just remembered a tiktok of someone making Hello Kitty choco bombs, and now I want one of those... I'm suddenly hungry now!! (Also, these days I've been saying "irrelevant, but..." a lot, why??)
I must say that these past two days were a ride!! In Thursday, I had such a bad depersonalisation moment, that my mind said "You're Taka now!! That's how I'm gonna deal with it, you're Taka now!!" Even though the "bad moment" lasted for literally a few minutes, it was so bad, I wanted to lay down, curl up in a ball, and tell the teacher that I'm not feeling well!! But that would be weird, randomly standing up to throw away a paper and then you end up curling in a ball in front of the class... What, you're 5 meters away from the bin, you can't walk for 5 seconds?? Also I must say, Thursday was also the day that I realised that nobody wants me around them, and I wasted 6 months of my life on trying to make friends while I knew I would end up like this!! :) I'm gonna give up this year and not talk to anyone, try next year at university, and if I fail there as well, Idc, I have V, X1, X2, A and my tulpas!! That's why I made them in the first place!! No Jessica, I don't wanna be the quirky girl, I wanted a reason to live because I felt lonely as hell and I would probably kahoot myself if K didn't exist!! :D
Anyway, I go home, the rest of the day passes in an okay level, and then night comes!! I decided to check my YouTube channel for some reason, and I see that my most recent video had 179 views!! I felt so terrified!! I saw the statistics of the video and I felt more terrified!! What is going on who are all those people?? My channel normally has 10 views, and the nine out of them are me!! That made me so scared, my social anxiety kicked in,and told me that I was being stalked and that someone must have said something about me, and that made everything bad!! I started breathing shortly and heavily in fear!! What do I do?? Do I calm myself down like a normal person?? Do I accept my fate?? No, I deleted the video and I'm probably reuploading it, and I'm gonna keep doing it until nobody watches it!! Like and subscribe, pff yeah, don't like don't comment, don't subscribe, don't talk to ne, don't look at me!! I'm someone who can handle many subs and views, but I need a flow!! My Neocities has a flow (btwthanksfor70followersloveya!!), my Tumblr has a flow, my YouTube has a flow!! I can handle things as long as they become gradually!! That DID NOT have a flow!! If it doesn't have a flow, I get scared like a bunny!! Blowing up is okay for me as long as blowing up means that from 5, ten people watched my video!! Anything more than that brings me anxiety!!
But anyway, let's go to yesterday!! So I was talking to V, in a group chat that my sister was there, and during that moment, she had gone out with mom to the hairdresser!! So him and I were talking, everything felt great (I really missed you V!!), and I felt so happy, like it was January of 2021 again!! Also, now that we're talking about it, I must say that since this September time seems so pointless to me, like nothing really happened!! I haven't understood at all that it's been 6 months since then, and that I'm writing Panhellenics (so that's how they're called) in 3,5 months!! Also this January felt so bland and tasteless, I want a new one!! Maybe because V isn't here, and I couldn't spend time with him!! TwT When are you coming back V??
But then, it all came to an end!! My sister wrote "Mom saw the chat!!" which, would be fine, all I care... If I didn't call V, V instead of his actual name and then explain why I called him that!! Seriously, the only thing missing was the link!! It's not that he didn't know I had a blog, it's just that I explained him that and even if I tried to panic delete the message, his response had the phrase "in your blog", so it would be pointless!! I asked her what mom saw, but she didn't respond, probably because she was getting a haircut that moment!! And that made me have an anxiety attack!! I must say, it was different than the one I had due to my ancraophobia going up, instead of feeling paralysed, I felt helpless and a huge urge to hide!! It's not that it's the end of the world if she finds out, I just don't want her to find out now!! Maybe later... Just not now!! Also I was talking to V about what new Pokémon cards I had since last time we met (not to be "look I'm so mentally ill!!" I just felt like he would love to know, he only knew my GAD, so I felt like I should tell him!!), and he just had to wait 10 minutes because I was breathing like I had asthma, and dad heard me crying and breathing like that, he came in to calm me down... Oof!! Btw, thanks dad, I appreciate it!!
Luckily, my sister then replied that she didn't see anything, so we're fine!! After that we talked some more, and I played some random mobile games in the app we were talking... I must say, that coolness I felt after crying, with the small happiness of playing games felt so therapeutic to me after that!! I really liked it!! I must say I was kinda checking my breath and thinking "okay, that's how you breathe normally, that's the amount of air you breathe!!" But now I feel fine and better, I'm glad I talked to V, I can't wait to see if we're gonna talk again today, in general I feel good!! :D
- Creator


24/2/2022

Hello everyone!! :D How's it going?? ^^ I must say, I genuinely liked this day, it felt so nice!! ^^
So we have this thing today, called... Idk how to translate it... "BBQ Thursday" I guess?? Idk!! So basically, today we dress up, have barbeques everywhere, dance to the "Macarena", and all that jazz!! :P This is the one time of the year where I go "finally, I can become one of my OCs today!!" (no, we don't have Halloween here!!) (And yes, this is a genuine event that happens every year!!)
So I went to school, have the first 3 hours be totally awful because I felt lonely as heck, and I kinda started crying inside a bit... But it's okay because then, the food came!! We would normally make the barbecue ourselves, but it's Corona, sooo... An uncle of one of my classmates offered to do it for us, so we payed for it, and we all got a nice souvlaki per person (quick rant here: I just realised that you guys pronounce gyro as "jairo"?? Why?? I understand that English alphabet doesn't have the same sounds, but why?? Just why??)!! So I ate it, and then I became my weirdcore persona, with a tv for a head!! People liked it!! :D It was so nice, vtdfdydyddyydyd!!
Then one of my classmates said that we should all go to another class, because the other classmates were there... So I kinda sat there... Then I got tired of just sitting up, so I sat next to a girl that was dressed up as Connor from Detroit: Become Human, and we started talking... I really wanted to be friends with her for a long time, but I was too anxious for it... But she said she wanted me around and we started talking about stuff like liminal spaces, backrooms, anime, horror stuff, fandoms and all that, it felt so niiiceee!! I loved it so much, I want to go talk to her again tomorrow, she's so awesome!!
Also, kinda irrelevant, but these days I'm kinda questioning myself a little bit as to things about sexuality and all that, and because she told me "Well, you don't have to force a label on yourself, take your time!!" And, I'm gonna do that, because I feel like that's the best... Well, we'll see...
Well anyway, today, was a nice day, I liked it, can't wait to talk to her again tomorrow!! :D
- [insert weirdcore persona name]


1/3/2022

Hello everyone!! How's it going?? :D
I put on my... Idk how to call them, "March Bracelet" I guess?? So it's actually a bracelet made by white and red threads because the customs said why not?? I think that it's SuPpOsEdLy protecting you from the sun and the weather or something like that!! So yeah, I wear mine now, and I'm gonna keep wearing it until the end of the month!!
So what happened since last time?? Well, I still talk to the girl I did in BBQ day, so that's great!! ^^ Because I didn't know how to call her, she said that "Bell" should be fine, so I'm gonna call her that!! :D
(Also, I had to learn after I wrote my last entry about the whole Russia-Ukraine thing, and I honestly hate it because I genuinely don't feel like I can do something to help the situation!! Well, if anyone here is Ukrainian, I can listen to you if you wanna talk to me, that's the best I can do currently!! And on freaking BBQ Thursday, really?? )
Well, about me... I honestly don't know!! Like, I feel great actually, but for some reason I have hallucinated random things these past three days?? Like, I heard a siren and a choir at one point, I heard the bell ring at random times, and at one point I smelled and tasted mom's perfume, even though she's not here right now?? Or these days in general?? Like I didn't go full blown psychosis, but what?? I sleep normally, and I'm feeling okay?? I feel great actually, no paranoia or anything!! Idk, it's so weird!! I mean, get random tastes and smells frequently, but now it was the hearing things as well, what?? Like I know I'm not crazy, but this is so out of nowhere!!
Well anyways, I also got really into the backrooms, so I decided to make my own story in them!! In general, this whole thing feels really cool, I would love to make my own levels at some point!! I mostly search about random levels now, but when I feel like I searched enough, I'm gonna start writing!! :D Can't wait!!
- Creator


11/3/2021

Hello everyone?? How's it going?? Me?? No, you know that I'm not fine!! I mean sure, I'm kinda okay right now, but in general not really!!
So I've said yesterday as well, I've been diagnosed with PTSD!! Possibly C-PTSD, but nobody knows, because my brain decided to press the "delete" button!! So oof!! The thing is, I haven't processed it yet, and I'm kinda in denial... Like you know you're coping when you hear this, and your brain decides to go happy cheerful mode because it wants to distract you!! Thanks brain!!
But luckily, I have the emotional support of LITERARY NOBODY!! I'm kinda surprised I must say!! So I told some people because I didn't know what to do or how to react and I wanted someone to listen to me!! All I got was a "okay, that's normal everybody has it!!" Like, do you all know that I share a mental illness with war veterans and r@ped children, or are we gonna sugarcoat that?? Oh sorry my bad, I'm 17 and I'm in 12th grade, I have no rights, it's ALL Panhellenics' fault!! No seriously, people literally give no shits about the fact that I'm having nightmares and flashbacks!! If you're 17 in Greece, nobody treats you like that, you go from 16 to 18 despite that some people like me need TIME!! This has to be one of the most empty years of my life, and I want it BACK!! Aaaahhh yes, all I need to do is study like a robot for the exams because who cares!! Seriously, do you all collectively cope or something?? The fact that everyone excuses my trauma just... just... IT JUST PISSES ME OFF!!
And because nobody cares, I might go into traumacore and start making edits because I don't know how to deal with this!! Like, the only thing that I can ask myself is "why me??" Not the pessimistic why me, the genuinely curious one?? Why me?? I wasn't abused by my parents!! I had friends back then!! Everything seems... normal!! I would ask you if my face looks like it's been traumatised, because when I look myself in the mirror I don't see that!! Yes, you don't look in a specific way, but... me?? Why??
Well anyway, the oc art swap started!! I should make the reference sheet and give it tomorrow!!
So that's all for now, see you next time!! :D
- Creator


24/3/2022

So yeah, I got kinda... angry!! And had a bit of... a meltdown... So yeah... It's gonna be an intense entry!!
Look... I don't wanna look like I want my mental health to be terrible for attention, and I do indeed understand that the things that some people go through are indeed really hard for them, but... But...
So I went to a neurologist to see if anything is wrong with my brain... And all I got was that everything is fine... A fine!! Are we for real??
"What, you wanted it to NOT be fine??" Actually YES, I would love that!! I would REALLY love that!! Because if it showed that I wasn't fine, people would take me seriously!! And by people I mean my mom!! Bro, I swear, telling her the fact that I have PTSD, and her saying "it's normal"... That has to be the LAST time I'm opening up, that shit crushed my soul!! I wanted something to show that hey, SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH ME!! And you know what?? After this, not even I can take the fact that I have it seriously!! I can't take ANY of my mental illnesses right now seriously!! Literally fuck it, from now on, I refuse to believe that I have anything until I'm on the floor maybe from flashbacks and shit!! Oh god, the flashbacks... I GENUINELY hope that this PATHETIC attempt at a human vessel that I live in, gets triggered into oblivion!! Because that's what it deserves!! That's what it deserves for all those headaches, and all those hallucinations, and all this paranoia... All this SUFFERING, FOR A FUCKING FINE!! I SWEAR TO GOD, HOPE YOU GET SO BADLY TRIGGERED YOU END UP IN THE HOSPITAL, YOU FUCKING MISTAKE!!
I just genuinely feel like everything that I feel is a joke!! I feel like a clown!! I cannot take myself seriously!! And the fact that my brain has THE AUDACITY to keep making me dissociate and give me headaches... Literally... FUCK YOU!! I swear to god, I would beat myself up right now if I could, I'm so angry... And the fact that I'm crying because I'm angry makes wanna explode!! It makes me hate even more this ABOMINATION of a self... You're not mentally ill!! Your head and your intelligence is just of the magnitude and size that it's so small, not even a magnifying glass helps!!
No!! It's my fault!! I was too kind to myself, and that made it think that it can do whatever it wants!! I have to be more strict to myself!! Like, why tf am I crying when I'm mad, this is bullshit!! You know what, I cannot care anymore, gonna put all the "self-positivity" aside and go back to my self-hate sessions!! Literally fuck this!!
So yeah, I currently hate this, and I'm just having a public meltdown, but I can't really care right now, when I'm tired!! As for myself... Fuck you!! Wishing you the worst, hope you die, you piss me off!!
- Creator


25/3/2022

Tw, because I did something yesterday, and I'm mentioning it a few times here, as well as some other stuff... Not too much though!!
So today is 25/3 aaaayyy!! Today was finally the day that I would do my first parade in high school, and my last parade ever, because 12th grade!! Kinda sad, but hey, it was fun!!
So I woke up today and tried to cover the "mess" I did yesterday, but failed!! :) I then started doing random ordinary day stuff, and was trying to hide it!! Then it was time for me to get ready, so I did exactly that, and then mom put on some makeup on me, and thank god, nothing was visible when I put my shirt on, because yes it's only 20% transparent, but it's STILL transparent!! Sorry bro, I just don't want to have my sliced arm in display right now, you feel me??
I then rushed to the place we had to meet, and felt kinda anxious, because I was scared I might get triggered because... I honestly don't know, I really felt like something triggering was gonna happen!! But anyway, everything was alright, and after some searching I found my school, and everything was alright!! Well, almost!! We had to put on a scarf, and well... I thought it can't be that bad... So I put it around my neck, tighten it,and oh my god, I think I got sent to the moon!! So apparently that triggered me, yay!! I swear, the amount of pain I felt in my neck was unreal, the scarf barely touched it!! Not only that but that dissociation sent me, and I was breathing like I was dying!! But hey, V2 (do I still call him V2??), helped me calm down so we're good!!
Unfortunately I didn't do ANY preparation for the parade unlike my other classmates, but from what I understood, there was no difference, because the teacher was kinda bad!! But anyway, the parade starts, all the schools start, everything was fine!! And the I saw the junior high school I was going to... They were SO GOOD, I felt intimidated by them!! And I mean looking Dictator Taka™ in the eyes intimidation!!
And then it was our turn!! I tried to gather all the experiences I had: From the Red Cross ones I did when I was a kid, to all the school ones!! I still lost my rhythm a bit, but I think I did pretty good!! Some girls couldn't understand the rhythm from the music, but luckily my little experienced music ear did nail to pick up some things!! Overall, it was good!! The teacher was kinda annoying, but it's all good!! Yes, I'm rushing this part because mom wants me to get ready again to go outside!! So yeah, all that happened, I have to get ready now, bye!!
- Creator


27/3/2022

Haha... Ahaha... Aha, haha, ha... ha... haaa...
Well, oof, I'm really gonna look like an idiot for saying it NOW, but oh well... Apparently everything's fine!! I don't have PTSD, I don't have GAD, I don't have anything... Oh my god, I really feel like an asshole right now, I feel like I faked everything for clout... I feel so bad in fact, I feel like I did everything for sympathy...
Yeah, oof, well, everything's fine!! Well I see that the year is gonna end in a few months, so I guess I'll just do normal therapy until then... I don't know, we'll see....
Do I feel happy about it?? Yes, but at the same time no because the last two years of my life was me lying to myself?? Yeah... Kinda stuck in the loading screen but whatever... It'll just go away, that's how things go, I just wait, and then it goes away!! So I'll just do that!!
I feel stupid, but at the same time, I shouldn't put all the blame to myself... Everything was just a misunderstanding, I didn't wake up and said "I'm gonna start faking illnesses!!" Oh yeah, at least I didn't do that!! But whatever... I guess everything's fine now, all I need are a few more sessions I guess, and everything will be fine!! I guess...
- Creator
Edit: Sorry for the mental breakdowns these days, expect more to come because me and P have gone mentally back 6 months!! :) No, I'm not fine, I'm actually terrible right now!!


31/3/2022

Okay, okay, everything's better now!!
Yeah, I should say what happened... So my mom thought that I was faking, and that made me have a mental breakdown, that pretty much went all over my socials... Luckily I actually tried to lose it in private, because me screaming in the internet... Is not the best idea!! So luckily, if you saw my socials that time, you wouldn't notice much!! And then, yesterday came, I asked my therapist about it, ahe said "No, you have it!!" so I have calmed down now!!
I think I lost it because my parents are not the ones who gave me my trauma, so I trust them, and apparently I trust them a little TOO much it seems!! Again though, luckily everything is fine, it's now over!!
Also, me and P are trying to do something about the whole emotion switch thing, because that got kinda screwed these days!! Now, me, I was just crying and feeling angry, and then feeling dead inside, but P... P always has it worse for some reason!! When this happens to him, he zones out, and stop talking, and he has a straight face the whole time, and then he either gets triggered, or extreme emotional outbursts!! Like damn, chill, you actually scare me!!
Anyway, I also wanted to write something that I think is important!! So yesterday me and my therapist were looking a bit into the whole 3/10 thing (maybe because the psychiatrist said so??) and... Sorry irrelevant, I just realised that 3/10 is the date I had the nightmare where I got funked for the first time, while 10/3 is the day I got diagnosed with PTSD... Wow....
Anyway, anyway!! So we were talking about it, and I was genuinely confused if there's also some underlying trauma in there as well... And she said that it probably happens for two reasons: 1) My trauma doesn't always manifest in ways that is necessarily related to it, and I must say, that explains a lot of my triggers, and 2)... Well... Apparently, how should I put it, I'm "being too innocent"!! Which, what?? *blinks aggressively* Wha- What?? But I thought that my mind is edgy enough... And in general I'm surprised, because I'm not even halfway through my plan of being a completely innocent angel child anime character!! I just want to be the incarnation of My Melody!! (And MM! Taka as well, but we're talking about innocent stuff here!!) Why does my brain play so dirty with me, like come on, don't you wanna be the real life version of a cutie pie, why are you doing this to me??
Also, last thing, this month I have made two new OCs, I should put them in the OC page!! I really want to put photos in there, but I'm too lazy to draw them!! Maybe I should make picrews of them?? Idk we'll see...
- Creator


4/4/2022

Hello everyone, how are you all doing?? I must say, these days have been... Really good!! Yesterday I submitted my drawing for the oc art swap, and I can't wait to see what the others have made!! I'm dying to know how Miss Wannabe looks like in someone else's style!! Can't wait can't wait can't wait!!
Also... finally after ✨15 MONTHS✨, my comfort character has finally become the thing that he was supposed to be, and he gave me comfort again!! These days have been really windy and I was doing a shitpost kinda thing with my comfort character in it, and I must say, my ancraophobia got actually kinda reduced and I felt safe... So I finally understood that he got back in his original role, and stopped taking whatever drugs he was on since sushi day!! I'm so happy!!
Now some people will ask "Why don't you just get a new one??" Well, aside from the fact that I'm not in charge of my brain anymore, my maladaptive daydreaming is (if I was in charge 31/1 wouldn't exist), I actually don't find it a good idea!! If suddenly my comfort character is making lose it, and makes me distressed, that's... Not really the character's fault in my opinion?? Especially when that character doesn't even exist and doesn't have a story?? In my opinion, that's a personal problem that causes this!! And in my case, it was exactly that!! If I didn't tell my therapist about things like 31/1, 3/10 and all that, I wouldn't go to a psychiatrist and I wouldn't get diagnosed!! I must say, I DID get some new comfort characters, such as My Melody and... I_hate_this_guy, out of desperation... But I still kept my old one because to me... He's just a character, if there's a problem with him, it comes from ME!! So I should question what's wrong with myself instead!!
I was kinda thinking if I should just put some pictures of him in the corner of my bed to make me feel better, but idk, we'll see about that... I have some pictures, but idk if I should put some more that I have and just turn it into a whole character shrine!! But whatever, we'll see about that!!
- Creator


9/4/2022

Hello everyone!! How are you all doing?? Me?? Well, mostly alright!! I did unlock a new memory... 2 days ago?? I think?? And apparently, my whole brain went "WHA-??" And apparently, everything changed, because we all thought that I got my trauma from bullying... Turns out the answer is not really!! :,)
And because of that, I guess that my PTSD is leaning more towards in the cPTSD category... But I can't say for sure because cPTSD looks very similar to BPD/EUPD, and I don't wanna make conclusions!! Aaahh!!
I must say, this whole thing made me look at P and go "How are you still alive??" I really feel so awful for not recognising that he needed help!! All I did was just using the "I don't have it, so neither do you!!" card, without giving it second thought!! I wish I would just question that behaviour, even for a second, but I didn't!!
P?? Yeah, he got a little unstable these days (damn, now I truly live up to the "go unstable" button's vibe), but compared to those 8 months, he's doing ✨FaNtAsTiC✨!! And because I don't wanna just write sad things, me and P finally agreed and we stopped arguing about... What we were arguing!! He agreed with me, which yeah I know I'm right, I told you that I'm right, I knew that you were gonna agree with me *continues snobby monologue*!!
Also I made BBQ chips yesterday!! No, fr, I made chips!! It is actually a lot easier than it looks, I must say, all you need is to just cut them really thin, but it wasn't that hard because if you have that thing where you just grab them and slide them through the blade!! Though I must say, in the recipe, it said to first boil them before frying them, but I didn't, so I guess that's why the center wasn't actually crunchy but just... fried!!
And then all you need to do is just fry them and put the flavour you want when you take them out... Which, the flavour part is either super easy (you want salt, you put salt, you want paprika, you put paprika, you want oregano, you put oregano), or super difficult (like if you want something like "ketchup" or "sour cream and onion", because you have to find them in powder form, but idk where those things are in the store, so yeee!!)
In general, these days have been okay, everything is going fine!! Though I must say, tomorrow is when the art swap drawings get revealed, and I must say, I wanna know SO BADLY!! Aaahhh, can't waaaaiiiittt!!
- Miss Wannabe


11/4/2022

Omg, are you okay, you are updating the diary everyday, is everything okay??
Yeah!! To be honest, yeah, everything is fine!! I just discovered something this night before I go to school, so I thought that recording it would really help!! Also I'm glad that I'm updating the diary with carefree entries everyday, because that's what I actually like to do!! Not having much on my mind, writing in Neocities while relaxing and having fun!! That's how I want things to be!!
Also today I went on my last schooltrip ever, and I must say!! It was good!! I must say, I doubt that I will miss the place because I've been going there since 6th grade so I started to get bored, but still had fun!! I played volleyball with my classmates, and everything was nice, I think that I did indeed have fun!! Can't believe that this is my last week at school, after that I'm gonna just be at home, study for the exams and... That was honestly it, but 10/6 everything will be done!! I'm gonna be done for school forever!! Kinda surprised that in a month everything ends, but hey, I've been disconnected from this plane of existence since September so of course I am surprised, your sense of time gets messy!!
Also, next month is my birthday, and I'm wondering if I should invite people over!! I mean I want to, but should I?? I also started craving those one minute cakes I saw on YouTube and I really wanna make some, should I wait until then?? I really wanna make them, mostly because I have been in this cooking spree these days for... No apparent reason!!
But anyway, I'm getting of track here, I should write what I originally wanted!! The thing about yesterday night!!
So it was really windy and I couldn't sleep (why is it so windy these days??) and my mind was in panic mode!! Now I must say, my ancraophobia has been getting better, today was also windy, but I nailed to play with others just fine, but the sound... The sound still scares me a lot!! I mostly get scared when I'm inside a building or when I hear it, but when I go outside, everything seems less scary!! The thing is, it was in the middle of the night, I couldn't just go out and t-pose at the wind!! So my mind just went for the next option and I regressed!! But not age regressed!! But rather PET regressed!! I don't know how that helped, because my brain just went "run!! hide!!" mode, but sure!! (Look it had to be something quiet, because trauma makes my brain be extremely quiet, even in moments when I'm having flashbacks and such!!)
I guess that it was a deer, but at the same time not really?? It had that run and hide thing, but at the same time my brain said "go dig a hole up and hide in it!!" which I don't think that it's a thing that deers do!! Also... Nomyparentspayed600euros
forthismattress,
Idontthinksobuddy!!
So yeah, I wanna find out what I regress to!! Though I tried to gather up some memories to see if anything like that was happening before, and I think that I also regress to a dog... Idk, it's day 1, can't figure out everything in day 1!! Also speaking of regression, I got more of a grip of my little age and I think that it's 0/1 to 6/7 or 8!! Yeah, not much progress, but I have a general idea, I just need to narrow it down!!
Also I'm surprised how I didn't see this earlier, especially when the Mental Illness and Coping Mechanism Beta Tester™ (that goes by the name of P), showed slight signs of it!! Idk, I guess 11/4 really is that day when I just go blind, just like last year!!
Yeah, that was pretty much it, I wanted to write it down, because I wanna look more into it into the future, and see what I can do with it?? I mean hey, as long as my brain feels like it's doing the right thing, I guess that it can go for it!!
- Creator


16/5/2022

Hello everyone!! How are you all doing?? This week is finally over and schools are closed for Easter sooo... No school for me again!! Okay, I must say, I will go a few times, because I don't wanna be absent to the point I'll stay in the same class!! Also apparently school's planning one last trip for a whole day, so I really wanna go that day!! There's also a day were there will be a Panhellenics simulation, so I wanna go that day as well because if I get used to the environment, I'll be less anxious!!
Also these days we were doing relaxation exercises, and it so awesome!! Unfortunately we didn't do them yesterday because the program changed!! :( But I really liked them!!
Also about the pet regression thing: There are two types of progress!! 1) "I think that I regress to a dog!!" Yes, you do, and in fact I have found with complete detail accuracy that you regress to a golden retriever!! 2) "It's a deer... I think, what is it exactly??" I have no clue!! *insert Tom raising shoulders meme here*
I must I'm kinda glad I already found one out of two, that's great progress for me!! And that's because when I find out what is happening with me, I can see what I improve!! What triggers my regression?? Is there a way to do something about it?? Stuff like that!!
But whatever, I'm gonna stop here, and just wish you guys happy Easter for when it comes, and I'm also wishing you a very nice day!!
- Creator


18/5/2022

TW: Depersonalisation/Derealisation (also having a breakdown and swearing)
I can't!! I can't take it anymore!! It's been two weeks, I can't take it anymore, please, make it stop!! I've been violently dissociating for the past two weeks, I don't even know what happened at this point!! I don't remember anything!! Only my birthday, but that's fuzzy as well!! Just help me!! Someone help me!! HELP ME!!
I don't even know what's happening right now... It's just someone talking, and that person talking is not me!! I'm not here right now, I'm not the one talking!! It's something, but it's not me!!
I really feel like P now!! Just one big, giant void, of emptiness!! Just nothing!! One big nothing!! The more I say it, the more I feel bad for the guy honestly!! He's just one big void, with nothing inside!! If he feels any kind of emotion, it's mostly a flashback!! Damn!! I feel so bad for him!!
What's worse is that my brain probably feels like this over something insignificant, probably like "oh no, I feel left out"!! Like, shut up you stupid bitch!! What do you want me to do about it?? I'm so TIRED when it's just like that, over petty things!! Bro, nobody cares, not even me!! We're literally in the same body, deal with it!!
Oh god, and now I have math lessons!! I'm not saying because I don't want to do them, no!! I actually love the teacher, and I don't wanna ruin other people's mood while looking like that!! I have ranked her as the best teacher of all of the ones I have in private lessons!! Like, this is the only day my brain looks forward to learn, and it fucking destroys everything like a pathetic piece of shit, like, come on!!
I just want this to end... It's been two weeks, it hasn't stopped, I want this to end!!
- ???


21/5/2022

So... Here I am again!! Must say, I now feel better!! Thankfully... I think...
Luckily, I feel more grounded now!! I'm currently more in the present, I think... I'm kinda glad, but at the same time not really... I think that I should be though, because being in the situation I'm right now is better than struggling with depersonalisation and dissociating to the point I'm detached from everything!!
So I as I said, I'm grounded now!! The thing is, the thing that causes it is not over yet!! Exams start in two days, and Panhellenics start almost immediately after that, so now I'm kinda stressed!! The problem is, I can't daydream it away, because I try to focus on studying!! So that is out of the way!! And my whole brain, both conscious and unconscious is like "Nah, regression ain't it either!!" So now my brain feels trapped with no escape!! My conscious feels stress, but I'm sure that my subconscious wants to cry right now, and wants this to end!! I mean, it forced me to dissociate for two weeks straight!! It also made me come back here and start updating, it NEEDED to think about something else!!
So what does it do?? It tries to find something and get attached to it, because it's DESPERATE for some escape!! It NEEDS to escape!! Meanwhile, I was just having my average day on YouTube, when I saw some objection.lol videos!! Now I knew Ace Attorney, but I haven't seen it, so now I decided to watch some gameplay to distract myself!! You bet that my brain got attached full force because it needed an escape!! I literally watched 10 hours of gameplay in three days, that's how desperate my brain is!! So because of that, expect me to talk about it these days!! That's just me trying to distract myself from the exams!!
Just like October with HAL and 2001: A Space Odyssey!! I was really stressed back then as well, so I got attached to HAL for a while, until my brain could calm down! That's pretty much what's happening, it comes full circle!! Well, of course, it's 12th grade!! Must say, out of all the years in school, I can finally conclude that this year was one of my least favourites!! This whole year was just stress and dissociation!! I genuinely can't tell you what happened this year, because I still feel like it's September!! I don't feel anything!!
On a lighter note though, things are finally coming to an end!! I will never need to go to school anymore (I know, I'll have to go to university, but whatever)!! I can finally leave everyone from school behind and never see them again!! I can finally relax this summer without thinking anything, and having my mind free of any worry!!
All I have to do, is wait a little more!! After that, it's over!! Just a few weeks, and then I can finally rest!! Well, the final relief will be in July, when everything will become clear, but for now, it's just a few weeks!! I can do this!! I feel hopeful!!
- Creator


26/5/2022

TW: Angry Rant and mentions of sewer slide!!
Hey!! I'm back earlier today!! Thank goodness history was easy!! I mean I kinda expected it to be easy, but I'm still glad!! Now there's only chemistry left, and I am done with the exams for now!! I'll just have to finish with these and the Panhellenics, and I'm done, yaa-!!
Wait wait wait wait!!
Hm, what is it??
Aren't you writing the Panhellenics right now??
Well, no, actually those are the graduation exams!! I'm writing them because I need to graduate!!
Then what are the Panhellenics??
The Panhellenics are basically exams that allow you to go to university-!! No wait, scratch that, they tell both if you're going to go to university AT ALL, and WHAT university you're going to!!
So you're giving exams two times??
That's 12th grade in Greece for you baby!! Why make life easy when you can just make thousands of high schoolers wanna kill themselves?? Trust me, I'm pretty sure that if The Biggest Most Awful Most Tragic Event In Human History™ was taking place irl, I'm pretty sure that it would be from 12th graders who had enough of this bs and freaking EXPLODED from the stress!! But I can't say for sure...
Also don't worry, Panhellenics are not mandatory!! I mean you can always go ahead and stay unemployed!! :)
But anyway, anyway, let's not start losing it from now!! They start in June!! Besides, I wanted to write something else here, a kinda rant-y update, and a prompt that I found cool by wirescarryingme!! I mean they all look cool, but I don't have time to write anything because of studies!! So into those we go!!

So first of all, the update!! Do you remember me writing that I thought that I might have BPD?? Well turns out that it was cPTSD!! It's just that I really have a bad time regulating my emotions and I have that unstable sense of self, so I thought of that, but turns out that both disorders share them!! I mean I got diagnosed with PTSD, but we had to figure out if it's PTSD or cPTSD!! And from this and the new memories (that I now forgot again) and stuff, it's now clear that it's cPTSD!! And that's why folks you don't self diagnose (not that I did that, I said "I THINK that I MIGHT have it, I wanna discuss it with my therapist")!! I might kinda be against self diagnosis, but I'm actually full supportive of what I like to call "self evaluation"!! Which is basically "hey, I think that I have {x thing} because I show some symptoms of it, but I'm not gonna say "omg I DEFINITELY have it" and instead I'm gonna discuss it with a therapist to see what's going on"!! Not that you can always do that, but I think that it's much better!!
So yeah, cPTSD!! The thing is that my therapist also said that I bury my emotions and that's why P is like that!! So if I wanna help P, I have to connect with my emotions and start identifying them!!
Now, I personally love P!! He is so nice and tries to do his best despite the fact that everyday is a constant state of suffering for him, to the point that he can barely function like a human being!! I want to see him become happy, and I want the best for him!! But this one gets a big fat NO!! I REFUSE to do that!! And that's because P is basically my whole trauma and cPTSD in one person!! He knows stuff, he remembers trauma that I don't!! He literally is a machine that's been overworking and all the screws are loose, that thing is obviously gonna explode!! It's like you put your hand in fire and you wonder why it got burned!! Well I wonder why...
Also these days he's unreasonably angry and lashes to everyone!! I'm sorry but I'd rather not deal with this pound of uranium!! Oh, but you could have been nicer!! Oh really?? In that case why don't YOU go talk to that cluster of mental illnesses?? If it's THAT easy for you!! Go ahead, I'll wait!!
Also I can't tell though why my brain just decided to dump everything to him and not Miss Wannabe!! I mean, that's LITERALLY WHY I MADE HER, TO SUPPRESS EVERYTHING!! Why P, idk, idc, I'm not in charge of my brain anymore, I just sit here and do stuff!! No really though, where do you think all of this *points at myself* comes from?? All this happiness and cheerfulness, where do you think it comes from?? Because I BURIED EVERYTHING!! I just built my entire personality on supressing and everything from my Taka phase, so if you take one of these off, the whole thing FREAKING COLLAPSES!! I feel like a person for once, with a nice personality, I am NOT going to let this happen!! I'm going to keep doing this until the day I die!! Therefore SORRY P, BUT YOU'RE NOW ON YOUR OWN!!

But anyway, enough with this one, I just got a little angry here, now let's talk about the other thing: the journal prompt!!
So wirescarrying me made a prompt asking what is a thing that haunts you, and that it could be your metaphorical game over?? Well, not a game over for everything but I genuinely feel anxious about the fact that someone from irl could find this blog!! In general, if you are not X1, X1, A or V and you know me irl, I feel really anxious about the fact that you could know about this site!! Now most people I mostly don't care, but there's this person that I absolutely DO NOT want them to know about this website at all!! I used to call her "pizza girl" but that's too honourable for someone like her, so until I make that angry rant entry about her, I will call her "her"!! The correct way to call her is actually slurs but because I told myself to give context in that entry, I'll stick to "her" for now because I don't wanna be seen as unreasonably rude!!
She was pretty much a toxic friend not in the "toxic abusive" way (I mean she kinda was but whatever), but in the "you're so annoying, no wonder you have no friends" way!! I will finally cut ties with her in a few weeks, but because of that, I wanna keep all my current socials away from her!! Neocities and Tumblr are pretty much my safe spaces, so if she finds them, they will not feel safe anymore, because someone found them!! Heck, it's hard for me now to post traumacore in Tumblr because so many of my followers are kawaii blogs, I'm afraid I might trigger someone so I do nothing and be disappointed because I can't express myself!! Imagine if HER finds my socials!!
I also have a general "game over" but it's not metaphorical, it's literal!! Panhellenics!! Now, I didn't want to write this because if it happens I wanted it to be completely unexpected but oh well, I ranted about P, I might as well make it triggering!! So basically: I do the Panhellenics, I wait for the results, I see the results!! If I see that I failed I'm killing myself!! No joke, if I fail the Panhellenics, I'm ending it!! My life is pretty meh anyways and I pretty much wanna die all the time, so if I see that I failed in life, there's no purpose to be alive anymore!! Everything will be clear by early-July, so until then, I'll try to have some hope!! Anyway, let's not go too deep into that for now, let's see what happens!!
Also... Wirescarryingme if you see this (I hope you do but at the same time I understand if you don't...), I have a question in return!! Not a whole entry promt, just a curious question: Why Theseus?? How did you come up with it?? I'm asking because the only Theseus I know is the one from mythology, and that Theseus ship paradox!! Also, how come you chose wirescarryimgme?? I can go more in depth if you wanna know more about the Theseus stuff I know, but for now I'm asking this: How did you come up with the name?? I wanna know!!
- Creator


5/6/2022

Hey... So... Hey!!
So as you know, I wrote yesterday about my therapist and my psychiatrist that suspect that I have psychosis... I am not happy with this AT ALL tbh!!
I'm gonna be honest and say: I partially wanna lie!! I wanna lie to my therapist, and say "Oh I'm actually fine, everything's great, let's please not look further into this"!! But I KNOW that I have to say the truth, because not only it's the right thing to do (and because Kuro told me "Hun, we're SO CLOSE, you NEED to say the truth, we're almost there, don't do this!!), but because something is about to happen and I can FEEL it!! I CAN FEEL IT!! Yes, the dissociation has stopped now, but now what I have is UNREASONABLE RAGE!! This has to be the first time where I log into Neocities and I get UNREASONABLY ANGRY with everyone!! For NO reason!! In general, things have been happening, and I feel like it's my brain telling me that soon I'll get an episode, so it's entirely in my hands to do something about it, so I HAVE to say the truth!! I NEED to say the truth!!
Tbh... I feel scared!! Like... REALLY scared!! I don't know what's happening to me, and that makes me scared!! I feel like I'm turning insane!! I don't know how I can handle this...
The good thing is that I'm not diagnosed yet, so I genuinely hope that it's something else!! Literally give me anything else, except psychosis!! Now, as you can see, I have a pattern similar to when I said that I was going through an OCD diagnosis!!.And what happened that time?? I got diagnosed with PTSD!! Am I really doing the same thing hoping that I'll get the same result?? YES!! ABSOLUTELY!!
But PTSD is worse than OCD why would you wanna get diagnosed with something worse??
Trust me, I don't think that it can get any worse, I mean, to me, I already have the "worst" mental illness, it can't get any worse!! That's what also I thought last time, but at this point, I don't care!! I hope that it's anything else but that!! Not psychosis, not schizophrenia, nothing like that!! Because idk if I can handle it...
Oh god, please, don't do this to me!!
- Miss Wannabe


9/6/2022

You know... I really try not to have public outbursts and I try not to write entries while in the wrong headspace... B-!!
...
...
I just got an emergency notification on my phone about dangerous storms upcoming in the next 24 hours... Needless to say I am now terrified, the little mental stability I had for this entry is now gone, and my anxiety skyrocketed because I have physics exams the next day, because god forbid I actually have any sort of break these days!! Nah, we just have to keep puking and lose sleep from stress, god forbid I relax!!

Anyway, I'll try to keep writing: I try not to write whilst in the wrong headspace, but life is just keep acting like it wants me to have a public mental breakdown!! So I'll have a public mental breakdown!!
Next week there's this graduation party going on at school, and I so DO NOT wanna go!! I do not want to see my classmates ever again, even if you paid me!! Everyone can go straight to hell, I never wanna see anyone ever again!! I do not wanna sit there alone with nothing to do for gpd knows how long!! And I DEFINITELY do not wanna see a bunch of assholes who just stabbed me in the back!! I'm so not in the mood of hearing "oh, you should make some friends"!! Like, fuck you!!
I swear, if any of them start the "I wanna be your friend" bullshit, I'm just gonna tell them this:
PLEASE GO FUCK YOURSELF!!
I won't even try to be nice to them, not anymore!! Because I WASTED A WHOLE YEAR trying to befriend those fucks, only for one day for them to... Stop talking to me!! Okay dude, you must think that what you're doing is a big dick move there, alright!!
I'm cutting all contacts with them, I hate them so much!! I hate this town in general!! I remember not liking this place when we first came here, and my parents said: "It's just because you're not used to it yet, you'll like it eventually!!" It's been six years, and I have reached the point where I don't wanna leave my house, unless it involves school or going in another city!! I fucking hate this place so much!! Trust me, no matter how much I love my room and my house, I can definitely say that when I'll move out, I'll never come here ever again!! Perhaps for Christmas and Easter, but that was it!! I hate this place, I just do!!

On a lighter note, I told my dad about that graduation party, and he seemed pretty okay with the idea of me just not going, and I'm really grateful for that!! In general he has been really nice to me these days... Perhaps it's because of Panhellenics, but I'm still grateful!! I feel kinda bad though that I didn't go buy that sweet yesterday for him, because it was his birthday, but I was just so not in the mood so mom bought it in the end instead...
Also when my dad wanted to pay my physics teacher for the private lessons, but he refused, and he said he only wants me to write well tomorrow... On one hand that was really nice, I really want tomorrow to come so that I'll finally be done with this hell that is the Panhellenic exams, but on the other hand, I haven't studied anything physics related the whole year so I really feel like I'm gonna let him down and I don't want that!! I will try to study again when I'll finish this entry, because I wanna try to at least be decent tomorrow...
I really wanted to make another prompt from wirescarryingme, but I'm so busy that I can't do much, so I'll just give my own for now: First of all, thoughts on the entry?? Second, how are you doing these days?? Hope you're doing better than me, and if you have exams, how's it going?? And third... Because I know that you guys don't have the Panhellenics in America... What exactly are you doing at school?? How is the education system there like?? How exactly do you get in university?? I never thought that I would ask such a simple question, but I now got curious!! Well, I guess things in countries are still different after all, despite the fact that the internet has kinda made everything the same, as people claim!!
- Creator


13/6/2022

Oooohhh, line 333!! I see a lot of angel numbers these days... Also... Oooohhh, it's 13!! Yaaayyy!! I missed it being 13 and just go crazy over some number with people being confused in the background, lol!!
But anyway!! Today, we have gathered here to do something!! Something so much requested by me, my paras, me, me, me, and my sister who just wants to see wth I'm gonna write, that we cannot hold it anymore!! Ladies and gentlemen... Today we are spilling irl tea!! *audience cheers*
So basically, today we are gonna talk about HER!! Also known as Pizza Girl, a name that shouldn't be used for someone like her, and also known from now on as a slutty bitch!! Yes it's mean, no I'm not gonna change it!!
So who is this cunt?? Well, you may actually be surprised, but she actually was a person that was with me and my sister since 8th grade!! Soo... 5 years with her!! Idk how we survived, but we did!! But Miss Wannabe... How come we never heard of her?? Well my dear friend the answer is simple: I COULDN'T CARE LESS!! Exactly, I couldn't care less about her existence that I just... Didn't write about her!! I don't see the point in wasting my time making myself feel bad, so I just never mentioned her!! Neither I told her about the website (best decision ever btw)!! That's why I don't say much about my life irl!! Because it's boring and I do not care!! So I don't write about it!!
So, let's start with the basics: Why are you suddenly interested in writing this?? Well last year she got into an argument with a person that I'm gonna call O (another person that I know since... I can't remember the grade,but around that time as well!!), and my sister!! Things were said, blocks were done, all that jazz!! But now, this got stirred back up when she texted me at... the night of 14/5 (and didn't bother to tell me a fucking happy birthday and only whined like a 5 y/o), and she said some heavy stuff about O, so I imformed both my sister and them, and they wanted an explanation to this!! So a month passed, exams happened, and everything just... happened yesterday?? Like oh wow, that was fast!! So now that we, what I like to believe, cut ties with her, I can now do what I want!! Because while she spreads around rumours that are untrue to people irl (oh it's so safe when you move to a different town, isn't it), I slander her in my website, for my mutuals to see!! Is this wrong?? Maybe, maybe it is!! But I asked people about this, O included, and they didn't have a problem with it, so I guess it's fine!!
Anyway, let's start with something that really bothered me when she texted me back in May!! She REALLY wanted to talk about O, that she deadass pretended that she cared about me, and asked what happened to me, I asked "these days or in general??" and because she realised that I would speak and take her oh so precious time, so she just "nah homie, we'll talk about you when we meet"!! First of all... How family works!! I have a sister!! That means we have the same parents!! After all that, my sister told mom about it!! That means, no, I can't hang around with you just like that!! Though I don't see us hanging out after that, lol!!
And second... We must understand the basic core of communication here!! So it goes like this: There are two roles, transmitter and receiver!! The transmitter gives the message, and the receiver takes the message!! In dialogue, these roles are used interchangeably, someone becomes the transmitter, then the receiver, then the transmitter and so on!! In monologue, the transmitter just transmitts and the receiver just receives!! .... I'm gonna give you ten seconds to figure out what I'm trying to say here!!
Exactly!! She just talks about her, and doesn't let anyone else say anything!! And most of the time she just whines for the most stupid stuff out there!! Girl, you may not know this, but there's something specifically built for this kind of things, and it's called a journal!! For real, get a journal, jeez!! If you're feeling like attention whoring like me get a blog!! There are ways trust me, just stfu and let the rest of us speak!!
But let's talk about something else!! Anime!! So I mostly don't care if you like anime, I mean I watch some too, so you know, I have no problem!! The problem is... If you keep talking about what anime you started, what anime you finished, and whatever the fuck, that's when it gets ANNOYING!! Also let's not talk about her music tastes!! Oh god!! Dude, literally put lolicore on YouTube, that shit is more bearable than whatever the fuck she hears!! It's literally the most weebiest of shit, god!! And she makes sure it's fucking making you deaf too!! Like... There was this one time she was blasting awful sad songs, and my and my sister both were like "yeah, no, it upsets us" and she just started bitching about how she's sad too and other bullshit!! Also at one point it triggered an unwanted Maladaptive Daydreaming episode I had to go into my room to stop it, and you could still hear this shit, that's how loud it was!! In MY house!! Yeah fuck it, I'll go rewire my brain, sure, brb!!
So what else do we have about this cunt?? Well, why are you keep calling her things like that?? Well my friend, the answer is one!! Because she herself does this shit!! So, I remember seeing Heart's about page, and I remember them saying how they don't like self deprecating jokes!! I didn't understand at the time, because imma be real here, sometimes I make those jokes too!! But looking back at all this, she definitely is the embodiment of that!! So if you keep calling yourself a whore, that's what I'm gonna call you as well!! You started this reputation, I may as well let you bathe in it!! I really believe that people should come prepackaged with a dose of respect, but at the same time, if they do shit like this, I may as well throw it away!!
Let's also state the fact that she always victim blames and manipulates people!! I've heard from my sister that she tried to fake cry or sometimes scream at her and O, and honestly, idk about you, but to me that shit's triggering!! Now that I think of it, the whole thing basically was O putting boundaries on her, and her bitching about it!! I mean yes, suicide baiting, victim blaming and manipulating isn't something that O would wanna hear either!! And she kept doing that again yesterday, when O texted her, it was the same shit again!! I guess that's why she made the rumours about them!! Which to her is nothing but to O that thing could damage them!! They were really glad I told them which... Of course, whenever you need to, I mean, you're really awesome!!
But Miss Wannabe, that was about them, remember?? Yes, my friend, I remember!! So why did YOU unfriend her?? ....... Well... In the beginning it was just because she was acting like an annoying 5 y/o (trust me, she's not that young, and her personality throughout those 5 years hasn't changed AT ALL!! That's both impressive and scary)!! But then.... Then.... Oh god!!
So as you know, me October, me nightmare, me fucking messed up ever since!! It took me months to process that, and I'm still fighting for that sanity I lost!! Now I told some people about it after some months, because I became overwhelmed with the whole experience!! I remember telling my sister while stuttering and then crying, oh god, that was really intense!! But after a while I decided to make it more jokey and lighthearted because otherwise I would cry everytime!! And somehow I told her, can't remember why... AND SHE JUST LAUGHED ABOUT IT!! WHAT A BITCH!! And I don't mean in the same way as me, I mean it in the "oh you saw a wet dream, lmao"!! Do I look like I'm laughing?? DO I LOOK, LIKE I'M LAUGHING?? DOES THIS LOOK FUNNY TO YOU?? But yeah, fuck it, only got diagnosed with PTSD a year later, yeah, lmao bro!! Now some say that I should tell her that I have PTSD and my answer to that is... NO!! If you can't be decent to me without knowing, then you don't deserve to know about my diagnosis!! Simple as that!!
Also... The thing that topped it all was when she made a sexual comment to this!! How old does this look to you?? Maybe... Idk... But it looks kinda... Wrong?? To make sexual comments at?? But maybe I'm just losing it, maybe the guy is in his 50s or something, fuck it!!
That's why I wanted to make this!! Because this bitch is nothing but pure anger for me!! Since then I started to fucking hate her!! Let me tell you, she deserves to be called a stupid cunt, she deserves me writing this, she deserves everything!! If this is how someone acts, they deserve it!! I don't CARE if she comes back begging, I'm never forgiving her!! Btw, good luck with that, I'm blocking you in two days!! The only reason that I haven't done that yet, is because if she sends me a message, my sister wants to talk to her, and I want to be the same day as my Instagram deletion!! So good luck bitch, cry harder, hope you boil in hell!!
- Creator
Update: So as everyone expected, she texted me and I did what I said, and I gave my phone to my sister!! She realised that no way in hell is she ever gonna learn, so she gave it to me and I did what's best!! I pressed the block button and ended it there!! Goodbye bitch you won't be missed!!


16/6/2022

So... let's talk about yesterday!! A lot of things happened yesterday!!
So basically I had to go to school one last time because of graduation!! I obviously didn't wanna go, but I went because I had to!! So I went, took what I had to take and left!! I didn't stay for the party because I would sit in the corner alone anyway!! I mean, everything looked so nice... Just not for me!!
When I got out, I started crying!! Trust me, the realisation of wasting 9 months of your life trying to befriend people and the result is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, hurts a lot!!
Walking back home was awful!! Idk if I ever felt any worse!! I just couldn't see a matter to anything, I couldn't feel like it wouldn't get better, and in general, I felt awful!! It was the pinnacle of hopelessness!!
As soon I went home, I opened my phone and I just opened Instagram!! I said I wanted to delete it!! But before that, I wanted to delete my posts, change the name, bio and all that, and get rid of (almost) all my followers!! But before I could do anything, I saw that X1 had made a group chat with me and my sister (because we're both friends with her) and all she did was text a "hi, how are you??"!!
I literally started crying again!! This time because someone cared for me, and showed interest in me!! Idk how you would feel in that situation, but I personally felt like someone cared for me more than anyone those past 9 months!! We kept talking, and I cried again for a little while because I felt like someone was willing to sit down and listen to me!! That just meant so much to me!! The reason why I started crying, is the same reason why I haven't talked to my psychiatrist again about a diagnosis, and is the same reason why I keep getting suprised when someone follows me here and I keep asking "Be honest guys, why do you follow me??"!!
Because my brain has convinced me that I'm the peak of annoyance!! It has convinced me that everything I do and everything I say wastes someone's time!! Like I could just be dying right now and refuse to call an ambulance because I would think "nah, it's not a heart attack, it's something else, I'm just exaggerating, I don't wanna waste people's time"!! So when someone shows me the most basic of human decency, I go "oh wow"!!
On a lighter note though, that conversation with X1 made me feel so good!! I learnt that she will come here this weekend, and I'm so happy!! Also, my sister has been looking up random recipes and yesterday she made tacos, and they were REALLY GOOD!! I liked them!!
Also I haven't checked Asobu's Taka x Byakuya mangas she made in the past for a while, and I forgot how memeable they are!! In general, Asobu is really memeable and I think she knows it!! In the beginning I just wanted her skills, but after... THOSE mangas, my life goal is to meme on her!! You made problematic mangas, I shall meme you forever!! That's why you should be careful kids, because one day, some Greek degenerate with a Taka obsession that is beyond saving at this point, could find your art and freaking blast it for the whole world to see!! Be careful guys, be careful!!
Also, irrelevant, I decided to listen to some extratone yesterday, and I remember seeing a bunch of people talking about the Uranoid song saying "if you want real extratone, check out USB (something) by Kobaryo"/"check out Web (something) by Kobaryo"/"Windows 100000 by Kobaryo"!! Must say, I didn't know that Kobaryo makes extratone as well, because I've heard mostly his speedcore songs, so I decided to check those listed as well!! Well after that, I must say, Kobaryo is definitely something else!! He made extratone dound good!! Like... I'm actually impressed!! I've only heard Uranoid so I was like "no way extratone cannot sound good"!! But oh my god!! It actually does!! Also people said that Kobaryo is more aggressive... BUT I BEG TO DIFFER!! Compared to Uranoid, his songs are more calm!! In general, seeing him make something more calm is kinda... Idk how to express it!!
But anyway, that's all there is for now, so I wanna give some prompts as well because stealing is my passion!! But before that, instead of just writing "thoughts on the entry??" everytime, I'm just gonna say that I'm open to reaction/answering entries anytime, just in case you wanna know if you can do it or not!! I also say this because I like attention please give me attention, aaa-!! Anyway, prompts: what is your favourite music genre?? is there anything new you tried these days that turns out it's actually better than what you believed?? If you checked out the songs mentioned (and your ears are still working), any thoughts?? I'm also really open for conversations anytime, is there anything you wanna tell me?? And lastly... I really wanna make that face reveal stream when I'll get a computer (oh... oh no, I told them that I'm updating the whole site through a phone, oh no, oh, AAAHH-) but I can't decide between reacting to everything I wrote on this site and that one Asobu manga!! The problem with the first option is that there's too much stuff, and idk if I can cover it all!! The manga though is kinda... incest-y?? Not the "the creator knows that this is wrong" type, but rather the "the creator ships this" type?? So yeah?? I mean I wanna do both, but idk if everyone can in two streams?? I want this to be answered by everyone btw, because the stream is for you guys, I need to know what to do!!
But that was it from me, hope you are all having a great day!!
- Creator


23/6/2022

So uhm... I just need to say some things...
So these days I wanted to go to the psychiatrist to confirm some stuff about Kuro and Professor... And it turns out... I just really hate myself!! Like, REALLY hate myself!! Well oof!!
So basically, they exist because I separated myself into parts because I just hate some parts of, well, me!! That combined with my Maladaptive Daydreaming, and here we are!!
I honestly don't know how to feel about this... He said that I must integrate these parts into one, because, well... They are me!! But idk how possible that is though, because I'm gonna be honest, you don't wanna touch Professor, even with a 10 foot pole!! Like, you seriously ain't messing with that!! (Fr though, getting cornered and being yelled by him, because he's your whole anger bottled in one person... Idk how much you wanna touch that!!)
I mean I kinda knew since I've made this website that my whole personality is fake, but for some reason it now feels real!! Like, I literally cannot see Professor, or Kuro, as me, they just aren't!!
Some will argue that I have DID... I mean... parts, integration... But I'm gonna pretend like that isn't the case!! Like sure, even if you can make it sound like that, I still refuse... I refuse to claim anything, even if the whole world believes it!! If a professional doesn't state so, I'll just sit there, and pretend like the problem doesn't exist, and I'm just being weird... So even if someone goes like "dude, that's DID!!" I'm not gonna believe ya!! Sorry!! You can call it denial, but I'm just really against self diagnosis!!
What I loved though is that my psychiatrist told me that I don't have to constantly explain myself, and that nobody will judge me... Which I really needed to hear, because I keep believing that the whole world is just trying to find opportunities to make fun of me, and because of that, I constantly try to explain everything that I do... I really needed to hear that!!
Gonna blame mom for it!! Professor told me that she constantly tries to make fun of me... I didn't believe him though, but I later caught myself constantly avoiding her... So I guess that he's right!!
Well, idk how I can integrate all my parts into one, but I guess letting them talk in here could be a start!! So I'll just try to make them feel more welcomed, so that I can move into the next step, whatever that step is... We'll see about that later...

Also turns out that the hallucinations are stress induced!! Good to know!! At least that explains things!! Anyway, that's all for now, not anything else to say, just an update on the whole situation...
- Miss Wannabe


24/6/2022

So uuuuuhhh... I'm just gonna... talk about agere, the whole integration thing and other stuff, because why not??
So basically, I was thinking about an "exercise" that me and the other parts of me could do... It's just that basically, my comfort character has a neutral expression!! But sometimes, I don't see him as such!! I see him calm, I see him angry, I see him as many different things!! That's because I'm projecting my emotions to him!! So I thought if the others would be interested in doing it!! I feel that it could help with identifying emotions, and to people like me and Professor (aka "emotions are for the weak" people) that would be really helpful!!
But there is one problem though... I don't know where I should let them write those things!! Here?? I partially wanna let them write them here, because idk where else I can do that, but... Isn't that stuff kinda... sensitive?? I'm not saying I don't trust this place, it's that... should it be here?? It's like my trauma, it's not that I don't trust you, it's just that... should I write it?? I also don't wanna be seen as an attention whore tbh, I don't want to be seen like "boohoo, muh trauma bad, do you feel bad for me yet??" I mean... some people here vent freely, so I guess it's fine?? Hmmm... Maybe it should be a txt file instead of an html one?? To be less "attention grabbing" I guess?? Idk... We'll see...
Anyway, today I was again with X1, and at one point, we were all just laying in the bed... And I think that I kinda regressed, must say, it really felt nice!! I say that because my regression is either due to feeling safe, or feeling REALLY unsafe!! So regressing for once to something that isn't emotional flashbacks feels so good!! Must say I later went and bought a fizzy drink that was kinda the shape of a baby bottle so I took it, so that I could later regress completely when I was alone... Also quick review, it's not as "intense" as drinking something like Fanta or Coca-Cola, but its flavor is more subtle, and child things tend to have a more mild taste so I guess it adds to the atmosphere, I'll say 7/10!! I really wanna buy one of those lolipops that are like pacis, because I feel like they would help a lot!! Yes, sure, I have one already, but when I'm anxious, I tend to bite it, and I'm kinda afraid that I'll break it... So yeah!!
Speaking of that, that's also another reason why I'm kinda hesitant to let the others write some things here... I mean, some parts are like "so I cope like this and I hate it"!! I literally cannot describe the amount of RAGE Professor felt when he was like "why am I like this??" and I just told him that it's a coping mechanism... Yeah, like, A LOT OF RAGE!! Oh yeah btw, how do you make an unconscious trauma mechanism go away for ever?? That's him asking btw!! Like, sure, I get it, showing any kind of a basic human need is seen as a weakness and omg it's super embarrassing and humiliating and holy shit I'm so weak for having basic human necessities that need to be fulfilled, but like... Just accept it, that's just how it is!! It's not changing!!
I can't force him though, because right now I'm building trust!! cPTSD comes with A LOT of distrust towards everyone and everything, so Professor being a breathing and walking embodiment of cPTSD doesn't allow me to be like that!! He's really wounded so I should just make him trust me for now!! Because if I fuck it up, he is NOT willing to give me any other chance, and just won't even bother looking at me!! So I have to do it right!!
That's just it, for now, nothing much, just a few thoughts about things... I really should decide though where I should let my parts write their feelings... Idk, if anyone has any ideas, please let me know, I need some advice on this one!!
- Miss Wannabe


28/6/2022

I should probably put a TW... But I'm too unmotivated to do it... So TW and stuff...
So the results came in... I swear, it probably has to be the most horrendous thing I've ever heard... Yeah, I failed, otherwise I wouldn't come here putting TWs and shit...
So because of that... I give up!! I'm sorry, but I just give up!! I'm sorry to all the people that I might hurt with this, but I give up!! There's no point to this, there's no meaning to any of this!! Life has no meaning for me!! If it did, I wouldn't try to kill myself when I was just 7... It doesn't matter, nothing matters... I can't believe that I did all of this in the first place!! Did I really buy that?? Can't believe it!! Can't believe I wasted a whole year on something like that!!
It's just... It's just January of 2021 again!! I'm suicidal, and I make a website to document my life before death!! I pretend to be fine, so that it looks like it came out of nowhere!! That's just how it is, it's all coming full circle!!
Professor was right!! I was right!! What's the point?? Of course we're right, we're always right!! That's just how it is!! I can't believe it...
....
My original plan was to kill myself on impulse the same night the results would be announced... But I don't wanna do that!! Not now!! I now wanna see X1, X2, A and V again, for one last time!! Talk to them, have some fun, all that!! Just for this summer... So I rescheduled it to the end of summer!! I didn't want to die on Taka's birthday though, so now it's on September 1st!!
That was it!! This is the last summer for me!! After that it's all gone... So yeah... I'm just gonna trying to do more stuff this summer, I mean no college, no school, last summer of my life... I wanna do everything I want to!! Leave nothing undone!!
So thank you!! Thank you for being with me, and thank you for the now 93 followers!! I love you!! I'm sorry if that kinda hurts you, but there's no way out!! Let's spend my last summer together, shall we??

Now if you excuse me, I wanna cry in bed for the rest of the day... Thanks!!
- Creator


10/7/2022

Phew!! After that one week with Professor, I must say, things have gotten a lot better!! I feel kinda glad for that, ngl!!
Anyway, I'm not here for that, I actually wanna say something more... More something, idk!! So basically, since yesterday evening, I am unable to view my feed!! Or the activity page!! Or my profile!! Or anyone's profile really!! Even right now, I still can't do that, and I only see an error page!! Luckily I can still do everything else like seeing and editing my website, seeing other websites, all that!! Which, thank god because otherwise I would FREAK OUT!! Not because "omg, I'm an internet addict, I can't live without muh internet!!" but because let's say, you believe that having a website here is a given!! Well I personally don't!!
I think that Professor's week offline idea kinda helped, because I'm more used to being offline now!! Which is good!! I really have the urge to make paper dolls, draw and all that!! Comfort character paperdoll, I'm coming for you!!
But anyway, I also wanna add something more!! I tried to see if it's just my problem but all the devices had the same problem!! So I like to believe that you might experience it too!! In that case though, idk if writing this does much because none will see it... But still, if it's a me thing, I just want you to know that hey, something is happening rn!! The problem is that I cannot look at the comments this time because... well, I can't look at the profiles, lol!! So idk, maybe the hangout chat??
I just imagined all if us trying to communicate through guestbooks and responding to entries in our journals, lmao!! (Omg, preresent knew!! He was ahead of his time!! He knew that this is how we'll communicate from now on!!)
But yeah... This?? Just wanted to let you know if you can somehow see this?? Idk what else I should say, maybe... Write 💖✨🎂 in the hangout chat if you see this?? Idk... Anyway, yeah, that's that!!
- Miss Sunshine
Update: Yeah, I decided to look a bit more into it, and ut seems like everyone has this problem!! What's worse is that contacting support doesn't work either because it shows an error page when you click "send"!! Well, oof!! Good thing is that it's not THE WHOLE THING down, so I guess that for now we'll just have to wait!!


11/7/2022

TW: Sui//ide mentions and just a long entry talking about periods!! I don't believe that this should be tagged, but I also don't wanna trigger anyone's dysphoria!! With that being said:

I know that it's kinda ironic saying that I feel better and then make a vent entry, but I PROMISE, good things have happened these days, I PROMISE, next entry will be about that, I PROMISE!!
Anyway, again, I'm not gonna self diagnose, this is all speculation, but... I personally believe that there is a VERY HIGH CHANCE that I might have PMDD!! Because I'm just reflecting back in random moments of my life and I just... realise that some stuff around my period phase are... apparently NOT normal!!
I remember back in the day seriously asking myself if I was bipolar or if I had BPD!! Because to many people, their periods come with a little mood swing!! To me, it's like I'm having a mixed bipolar episode!! That's why I started therapy to be honest!! Then I stopped for a while, and then started again because Kuro dragged us all back!!
But with therapy and stuff I dropped the theory!! There's no way I have episodes every single time I have my period!! Besides, mom said that with period everyone becomes a little moody!! So I just thought of that, I'm just a little more moody that average, that's all!! I really thought that it was just PMS, something that everyone has!! I mean, the physical symptoms are the same and it has mood swings too!! The problem is... I don't consider my mood swings "normal" anymore!! Because being angry to the point of getting physical, being anxious to the point you feel constantly on edge with every sense being to the max, and feeling depressed to the point you wanna die... Stops being "normal"!!
Speaking of death... Looking back at it, it suddenly makes sense!! I have tried MULTIPLE times to overdose on painkillers taking double and triple the dose!! I went to the hospital once, but nothing really happened because let's say, that was a really shitty suicide attempt!! Even that, I dismissed it as "that's just how it is"!! Well at this point, I don't think that THIS is any short of "okay"!!
I have just reached the point of BEGGING for my period to start as early as possible, so that I wouldn't have to suffer anymore!! I couldn't handle it, I just wanted to be over with it!! Because when my period starts, from the 3rd day onwards, I feel great!! All of this just stops!! I just wanted it to stop!!
There have been also multiple times when I just seriously considered just REMOVING the entire thing when I moved out because... If this is how period is, then I don't want it!! I don't want to start suffering TWO WEEKS before my actual period starts!! I'm just not going to suffer for this!! Though right now, I mostly consider taking the pill because if it's PMDD, many have said that it helps a lot!! And even if it ISN'T, I believe that it would certainly help with whatever the hell is going on!!
Even... The nightmare!! The fucking nightmare, I keep talking about!! It always, ALWAYS was around that time!! ALWAYS!! Sushi Day!! AROUND THAT TIME!! I just got traumatised because my brain to just LMAO at me!! FUCK YOU!! EVEN AFTER THAT, I didn't tell my therapist!! Because that's just how it is!! That's "normal"!! I remember being at school and genuinely believing that my classmates could just hide their suffering really well!! I felt like I had a problem!! Because while they were fine, I would just ask myself what is wrong with me!! Well, after all this, I REFUSE to believe that this is ANY SORT OF "NORMAL"!! Even a few days ago, I so lost it, I considered running away from my house!! This isn't okay!! It will never be!!
And honestly?? I'M SCARED!! I'm REALLY scared!! The reason why I'm saying this is because I feel like my period is coming, and I feel like I'm gonna go berserk!! I'm fucking scared!! I'M REALLY SCARED!!
The thing is that I have to track my emotions and symptoms throughout two periods, because from what I understood, it's pretty important in the process of a diagnosis!! I need to write everything down!! That way I can talk about it when summer ends!! I swear, next September I'm just gonna be different!! No hiding stuff, no being vague, just STRAIGHT TO THE POINT!! I don't like how every other issue not yet identified becomes crippling during summer, but I guess it's time to track everything down!!
But I gotta ask: How is time before and during periods for you?? I need to know!! I REALLY need to know!! Because who knows, I could be exaggerating right now!! I need to listen to more people so that I can decide on what to do next!! So please: What exactly are you experiencing before and during your period?? I genuinely need to know!!
- Miss Sunshine


13/7/2022

OMG, GUUUUYYYYYSSS, LOOK AT THE DAAAAATEEEEE!! It's officially 13/7, aka Taka Day!! YEEEESSSS!! We've officially reached two whole years in my Taka phase!! Like, we're almost reaching my Cat Noir phase in duration, no joke!! (Yeah, 12-14 year old me really liked Cat Noir!!) Though I personally think that because of things such as Neocities, the things that have happened in those two years, and other stuff, I highly doubt that my Taka obsession is not gonna end any time soon!! I swear, this guy is gonna follow me in my grave!!
I really believe that this guy has been around for so long, he's not gonna go anywhere now!! I'm just gonna be like this forever!! Well, not that I haven't changed in those two years though!! (Do you know how badly I wanna delete my old diary because I'm cringing so I hard, I might explode??)
I mean, the whole PROCESS that was made in those two years!! I swear to god, without Taka I wouldn't go in therapy and literally NOTHING that you see right now would be the same!! Hell, I believe that I wouldn't make this website at all!! And even if I did make it, it would be really different!! I would talk differently, I would act differently, everything would be different!! For example, I wouldn't have (!!), which I believe is like my signature at this point!! I wouldn't be more accepting of myself (even if I'm currently going back at doing the opposite again)!!
Overall, I think my current phase has to be my favourite phase of all of them!! These two years I've grown more as a person than all those previous 14 combined!! Sure, 13 year old me is good competition... But still, I believe more happened right now, than when I was 13!!
Ngl, I think that it would be really funny me being in my deathbed at one point and coming here to say "what's up guys, happy 100th Taka Day/anniversary", lol!!
Anyway, that's all, happy Taka Day everyone, hope that you are all doing great, and... uuhhmm... Make Taka proud today!! Yeah!! Make him proud!!
- Miss Sunshine


15/7/2022

Whooaaahhh!! Omg, 100 followers!! Thank you all so much!! I love you!! You are all great!! :,)
100 seems so big!! Omg!! That's like 100 being willing to see me and random parts of me being unhinged 24/7!! I kinda love it!! 100 people!! To me that's like being a celebrity at this point!!
Now I know what I said about the reveal, but for now you have to wait!! Because yeah sure milestone, but you all need to get vibe checked first!! Because, sure, we may all forgot that I have more things than cPTSD, but my social anxiety is still T-posing!! Also my period has given me acne, back pain, and I accidentally scratched my face while sleeping, so I need these things to go away first, lmao!!
Also because I ain't getting that laptop... Should I still do that Asobu manga stream, or just make it a video?? Because I wanna do it!! I wanna meme the everloving shit out of it, so I wanna do it!! I wanna shitpost it until it can no more!!
But anyway!! As you know, I'm doing some animation classes right now, and the teacher asked me to do some more edits, gifs and all that!! I would say "oh request stuff!!" but right now scenequeen is doing the same and I don't want to take people from her, so for now, if you have a button, go request to her please!! Also, I believe that a portfolio is more important than a random animation exhibition!! Also nobody knows about this website so I would be like "I only do vague webcore stuff that won't make people suspect that I have a website"!! But yeah, edits!! Must do them!!
But yeah, pretty much this for now, just wanted to talk about what I'm doing, the "100 followers" milestone, all that!! Nothing else really!!
- Miss Sunshine


20/7/2022

Like I (or Professor, can't really remember) said, I was gonna make an appreciation entry for behavior!! That sounds extremely random, but I've actually wanted to write this for a while and the only reason I didn't do it yet, is because I want her to see this!! And I didn't see her active these days except yesterday/today so now I'M DOING IT!! No you HAVE to see this, idc, it HAS to appear in your feed!! No complaints!!

Anyway into the entry now: Thanks!! Thank you for existing!! It sounds random, I know, but I'm being genuinely serious!! You know, it's really nice to have you here!! I know it kinda sounds generic, but I mean it!!
The reason why I'm saying this is one: because you are so kind!! You keep supporting me and being nice to everyone, even when you are having a hard time!! And to me, seeing someone going through a rough patch, while trying to lift others up, is the ultimate act of kindness for me!! Idk why, but to me, those two comments (the birthday one and the other one announcing going offline) have stayed with me!! And they will stay forever!! Because again, seeing someone struggling while also supporting others, is the ultimate thing for me!!
Also... This may sound weird, but I look up to you, in a way?? It's just that you make me feel less alone, if that makes sense?? Seeing someone also struggling with cPTSD makes me feel less alone... It's like I'm not the only one!! But it's not just that!! I also see someone who tries to heal!! And first of all, this has to be one GIANT step (because let's be honest, it's not cPTSD without your brain going "btw, you're never going to heal, you're broken forever, there is no point, you're worthless!! Now go ahead and feel empty again!!") but also... It's the fact that you try!! You try to get better, you wanna get better, you want to heal!! And to me, that's amazing!! It motivates me, it makes me feel better, it makes me look up to you!! Because I wanna heal!! I wanna get better!! And someone is already giving me the sign that I can do it!! It makes me really grateful to be honest!! I really believe in you, I really believe that you can do it, I really believe that it can get better!!
And again, because of that... Thank you!! You are awesome, really!! I mean it!! Please keep being awesome!! I really believe in you, because you believe in me!! Keep going!! You are such a kind person!! You honestly deserve the best!!
- Miss Sunshine


23/7/2022

OMGGGGGGG!! WHOOOOAAAAHHHH!! I just... I just... I need to say the whole story!!
So basically I was sitting there reading "Everything is fine"... I never read any webtoons in my life and honestly... This one got me hooked, I wanna see how the story progresses (because it's not done yet)!! Also, idk why, but it really hits... It doesn't hit home in the "oh I've lived in these events" way, but rather in the "oh my god, I can feel this emotional state so much and I hate it" way!!
But why have a good time, if it's a good day, it must be ruined!! I hear the doorbell ring two times (... it's not the doorbell... It's that thing that apartment houses have at their entrance, but let's pretend that it was the doorbell)!! Which is my grandpa's signature way of ringing, therefore day ruined!! .... I don't know why I hate him so much, but I do!! Everytime I'm near him, I just get fueled with rage!! Since I was a kid!! This happens with mom as well and I think that the reason is trauma!! And I get more angry at him!! And mom is bad enough, I don't know what this guy did to me!! Like... If I'm MORE angry to you than my own parents, something is wrong!! Just saying!!
So anyway, because of mom's good freaking decision (for real, stop bringing people that only you want here!! The 3 rest of us are not vibing with this guy, just literally go to his house, it's not that far away!!) I just felt awful!! My house just stopped feeling like my house and I swear to god, Professor was so not having, he was just like "I swear, I wanna run away, me and Ruby keep making scenarios about it, I can't take this anymore"!! But because there isn't anywhere to go to, he was just like "I'm just gonna take a big walk, let me out"!! So next thing you know, I was a couple kilometers away from home!!
It started getting hot though, but I just didn't wanna go back!! Luckily mom was like "oh, dad is also outside, you can go meet him" so I decided to do that!! (Thank god he was at a café!!) He was with a friend, so I decided to sit there and stay... Oh my god, better than how I was at home, would do it again!! Ngl, I really wish that everytime that grandpa is at our house, dad is hanging out with someone outside, so that I can have an excuse to leave the house for longer!!
But then it was again time to go, because it was noon so me and dad went to the supermarket... I DON'T KNOW why I keep dissociating so much inside supermarkets, but I do!! Everytime!! And they are not even that big, but I just keep dissociating SO MUCH!! Does anyone experience this?? Please, for real, does anyone experience this?? Like I could go in there for a minute and it just happens, it's like there's a switch in my brain specifically for this!!
But anyway, we bought some stuff, and we go to pay!! Dad told me to just take them out and he will put them inside the bags!! So I do that... And I hear the cashier saying "Hello [name]"!! And I was like WHAT?? How does she know my name?? And why does her voice sound familiar??
So I look up and OH MY GOD, it was one of my two classmates that was doing English lessons with me!! And I'm like "omg, I missed you so much, we haven't seen each since when?? Probably 2020?? It was so fun just talking about things in the classroom"!! For real, I just felt so happy to see her!! I missed her so much, I want to go see her again!! She said that next week is her week off, so idk, we'll see how it goes!! But fr though, I MISSED HER SO MUCH, AAAAHHH!!
- Miss Sunshine
Edit: And V just messaged me, omg!! I love how this day is going!!


26/7/2022

Wait... First of all, I need to ask: What is qualified as a bad day?? Because to me, a bad day is feeling like nothing matters, and an awful day is considering ***!! Bad apparently is also when you are just feeling sad... To me that's just a "good day but I'm ruining it by being sad"... It must be because I'm so used to say I'm fine even when I'm not so it just stayed... I guess!!
Whatever, sorry for this depressing intro, it's just that it's been in my mind lately, so just wanted to say it!! Right now I'm feeling much better!! I'm feeling great honestly!! I woke up and just felt good today!! I felt my usual summer mood!! Which pretty much is "I wanna stay awake until 3 AM, go to the beach, blast some loud music and T A K A!!" Idk, that's me every summer in the past 3 years...
Speaking of Taka... Ngl, I am kinda anxious about what will happen when this obsession is over, because I had other obsessions in the past, and when I was over them, I was having "memory resets"... Even now, I can't really tell what I was like when I was 15, because memory reset!! My whole inner being just changes and idk why!!
But anyway, something better to say now!! So mom decided to make us all go... somewhere I forgot the name, for a few days and just go to the beach and have fun... Yay!! I was really wondering why, because we had planned to go to the Dalmatian Coast immediately after that, but I don't mind at all!! I mean, more vacations to me!! And because we got new passports, mom keeps telling me and my sister to go to England, because one of our uncles is there, and again... I don't mind, sounds good to me!!
This is the third time that I'm going somewhere outside of Greece!! The other two were Paris and Barcelona... I swear, I DON'T wanna flex, it's just that I'm really happy and such!! Just... FHFFYYRTDTDFHIGIGT!! I'm just happy!! (I mean, I do believe that I kinda deserve a nice summer after... whatever 12th grade and autumn 2021 was!!) Speaking of that, would you guys want some photos of me vibin?? I really wanted to do that for a while, I did do a face reveal, sparklelollipop already started making it a thing, Instagram... turns out that I'm just not really an Instagram fan, and you guys are just so awesome, I love you so much!! I would say thanks for following me, but I think that the best thing to say is "thanks for staying with me despite going mental at times and being completely incomprehensible"!! I really appreciate that!!
Also... Yesterday I decided to organise the site, and I discovered something called ✨F O L D E R S✨ so I'm just moving stuff and remaking the whole thing... I'm thinking of also redoing some pages like the "Hangout" areas and the vents page entirely... So yeah, expect the site to be a little blank or broken... I WILL fix it... it's just that mom wants me to do some chores, have to pack because we leave tomorrow, I wanna make some banana ice-cream, and my phone doesn't have much battery, so... Sometime in the future!!
But anyway, that was it for now, hope you guys are having a nice day!! :D
- Miss Sunshine


31/7/2022

Hello everyone, how are you doing!! I personally just came back from my vacation, so right now I'm kind of tired, so because of that I decided to do this entry with a speech to text... Uh... keyboard I guess?? Because right now I don't have the energy to write but I have more of the energy to just... correct things!! Because let's be real, changing a typo is definitely a lot better than writing the whole sentence!! (Also this is the first time doing it because I mostly have shaky hands and because I don't want to accidentally trigger it I just had it disabled... until today!!)
Anyway anyway, like I said today I came back!! So I'm just going to talk about that!! Like Professor said, we just went to the beach, went for a walk, all that!! I mean that was the whole purpose of the vacation soooo... Yeah!! For lunch we were going to this... Uuuuuhhh... Thing... I can't I can't find a word for it in English but dad said that it's basically a place that was originally meant as a rehab for injured soldiers, but now if you are in the military, you just go there for vacation!! Or just for lunch...

The military is truly something!!

Aside from that we went to a church... Because let's be real, is it really vacation if mom doesn't force you to go to one?? I will admit, it was kind of nice though!! There was this hole in one place that was really tiny, but deep inside of it that was holy water!! I must say, in the beginning I didn't want to go inside, because I thought "I'm not stupid enough to go in some tiny hole for a bit of water" but eventually I went in there three times... It was kind of claustrophobic, but also kinda nice I will admit!! We also went into this village I guess... it was mostly like a tourist attraction but it still kind of looks like a village!! We also played UNO... Dad somehow nailed to win 7 times in a row and I don't know how!!
There was also this train that goes around the town... My mom and my sister didn't really like it, but I personally loved it because it was so C A L M I N G!! That, and the first time we went to the Luna park!! There was this thing called "tornado" and it was basically a roller coaster... Really cool!!
Overall, I will say that I've had fun!! Even though there was this moment that ruined to my mood the first day (basically what Professor said), a few times where Ruby would say some... Interesting stuff to say the least, some identity issues and a little bit of nausea, but aside from that it was really nice!! I liked it!!
But anyway I also found new Taka art!! My first thought was to make memes out of it... It's just that everything Taka related is kinda meme material, it's not my fault!! Though, I really want to do a meme page but it will probably be something that I only laugh at, and me just traumadumping... But I REALLY want to do a meme page!!
I'm debating if I should put my stuff back where they belong, because in 3-4 days we will go to the Dalmaltian coast with X1 so idk if it's worth it... But yeah, anyway, that's all from me for now, see you next time!!
- Miss Sunshine


1/8/2022

Warning, I'll talk about sexual stuff and self harm, so if you don't wanna read that, skip this entry!!

So... I was kinda debating if I should write this, but I feel that it's fine, I'm not sharing anything TOO personal, so I guess that I can express myself freely!!
There have been these dreams that I'm having that are actually really sexual in nature!! Nothing too shocking, just me and someone else being nasty!! We all have those!! Be honest, your brain has been a little kinky on you when you sleep!! The problem is... Everytime, that other person... is a woman!!
Now I personally believe that I am your average cishet!! I am not gonna deny the possibility that my brain could also like women and just suppress these feelings because I am living in a Christian LGBTQphobic household and, let's say I do want my ass to avoid getting in trouble!! But for now, I identify as straight!! I was questioning if I was bisexual back in the day, but these dreams are always during a certain time period, so I quickly dropped the idea!! Also, I don't really know if the term bisexual fits me!!
But anyway, I decided to just ignore it, but I saw yet another one of these dreams today, so I decided to sit down and think about it: Why does my brain gives me dreams like these?? Am I secretly bisexual and I just don't want to admit it?? Is my brain just messing with me for the laughs??
What's really interesting is that these days I was also just randomly thinking about the nightmare, and because of that, my brain came up with this question:
"Has the nightmare scarred me so badly that my brain refuses to show me any wet dreams with men in them??"
That... Was not a question for me!! I personally feel like it's been two years, so I just... got over it!! This is a question for Miss Wannabe!! I mean she's literally a part dedicated to this thing, so all I had to do is ask her some things!! Miss Wannabe is also kinda in the same situation: Even though she's straight, if she wouldn't tell you that, you would just believe that she is a lesbian!! She's not!! She's just really hurt and torn apart from this whole experience!!
So I went up to her (obviously at 1 AM) and just decided to talk to her about this!! We had a conversation about this and about the nightmare, and eventually I just asked her "how are you feeling about this??"!! And to that she responded by telling me to put "Hell Sirens" as background music!! So I did exactly that!! When hell sirens started playing, she didn't do anything, she was just standing there!! But when it finally went to the build up point... I probably heard the most hurt and hopeless and devastated scream in my life!! After that she had a small mental breakdown!! And after that, she looked at me and said "I wanna kill myself" "I feel like a hopeless little plaything" "I wanna die"!!
I really don't like that phrase, but I have to agree with Professor on this one!! He said "This girl is fucked in the head" and I honestly have to agree!! I am against using that phrase, but I just have to agree!! Miss Wannabe has expressed the desire to self harm multiple times, I'm kinda afraid that one day I'll wake up with my legs sliced like barcodes, and I'll be able to do absolutely nothing about it!! Even if I have a "summer self harm" rule, I can't tell if she will follow it!! Professor follows it though, so there is some hope out there!!
Ngl, this whole thing made me remember that trauma is not just "woe is me, me bad experience, me can't recover" but more like "I have been SA'd in my dreams for a whole year, so now I'm just gonna change my whole life perception"!! Like, that thing just rewires your whole brain!!
Trauma is so stupid!! It just goes "boo hoo, because I can't get sleep I now have to like women and tear myself in half, boo hoo"!! Like, come on!! Also... How the hell do you all sleep your problems away?? Just how?? My brain just goes "go ahead!! Try to sleep!! You know you're gonna find new ones!! :)" when I attempt to do so!! Either that, or my problems start creeping into my dreams!!
What's funny is that this whole thing isn't even over the real thing!! This whole thing is just... You know what, I'm gonna show you: THIS is the nightmare guy!! Just put some blur on it and make his eyes a "piercing your soul" blue and you got him!! I know my brain did this to hide stuff from me, this isn't the first time my dreams censor themselves!! There have been many dreams where things are just blurred out or things that just transform when I notice them!! Like there was this diary I saw in a dream, and when I picked it up, it transformed into a bible!! Sure, you have religious trauma, but that diary BAD, no, don't look at it!! I SAID DON'T LOOK AT IT!! Show me the diary you censorship fuck!! The nightmare has to be the first time that it combines both blurriness and transforming things into something else, so you KNOW that the REAL high notes will come when the amnesia leaves!! It will be so bad, I'll probably try to kill myself on the spot!! When I'll just write "aaaaa" in my profile... That's how you'll know I remembered!! I don't wanna remember really, but just in case it eventually comes out!!
But anyway, this entry is getting pretty long, so I guess that I should stop here for now!!
- Miss Sunshine


2/8/2022

You know... I really try to be a nice person!! I try to be decent and well mannered!! I try to be polite and respectful!! I try to understand others and be kind!! ... But sometimes people just REALLY like to push my buttons!! So you know what?? Today I'm NOT gonna be nice!! I'm gonna be a total selfish piece of shit!! Because I can, and I'm able to!!
I usually try to avoid discussing my trauma in detail, and I avoid writing things while in an emotionally charged state, not because I don't want to, but because I find it attention whoring and extremely petty!! Good, you whined to some people online!! Do you feel like a big boi now?? Do you feel like oh ny god you did the unbelievable by crying to strangers online?? No, you did nothing, you're being an annoyance!!
But you know, mom keeps making empty threats again, so we may as well do that roasting entry that has been hyped up in my head!! I didn't wanna write this, but if you are being immature, I may as well!!
So mom threatened to send me to a factory again!! The reason?? I forgot to do the laundry!! Well, wow!! But even then, I didn't wanna write this!! I just said whatever to myself!! That was until she said "You are an adult now!!" And that made me realise what an abusive fuck she is!! I want everyone reading this to know that this has been going on for the past 2 years, and in the beginning of 12th grade, she literally said that if I don't study she will stop making me go to school and send me to a factory instead!! That's... That's obviously child abuse!! I didn't realise it then, but that's child abuse!! Even now that I'm writing I'm starting to realise how fucked up that sounds!! To me, the phrase "you're an adult now" stood out to me!! Hearing that made me realise that SHE KNEW what she was saying!! SHE KNEW that this is fucked up!! SHE KNEW that this is child abuse!! She said that she wanted to tell me this for a while!! This is not in the heat of the moment, THIS WAS FUCKING PREMEDITATED!! SHE HAD THIS THOUGHT FOR A WHILE, A WHOLE WHILE TO PROCESS THE THOUGHT AND SEE IF IT'S RIGHT OR WRONG!! All that because I forgot to do the laundry and found me on my phone!!
Very well mom!! In that case let me tell you something: I have been dissociating these days so badly, to the point I am unable to do everyday things!! I currently do not recognise myself in the mirror, I do not recognise people around me, and I DO NOT recognise MY OWN GODDAMN HOUSE!! I really don't feel like I'm in my house right now!! I'm somewhere, but that somewhere is not my house!! I couldn't even recognise this website for a little while!! This blog didn't seem like mine!! I had A LOT of identity changes and identity disturbances, and A LOT of amnesia due to the dissociation!! I literally can't tell you what I did this morning!! Because I can't remember!! But yeah, fuck it, laundry, sure!!
As for the phone... I need people to remember that I fucking hate myself!! I gate every single thing about me, and I hate myself as a whole!! I try my best to just drown every single thought by any means, because I can't handle myself!! I don't like myself, I HATE myself!! I can't stand being around me!! I don't want me to be near me!! So the phone you keep whining about is me trying to drown my thoughts as much as possible!! Do you know why?? Because I hate myself?? Do you know why I hate myself?? Take a guess!! Who do you think is responsible for this??
I really try to follow the summer self harm rule (if you're gonna self harm try not to cut or burn because others will see it), but this bitch really keeps pushing me!! Fuck!! Even now, I realise that the cause of me wanting to kill myself in June was her!! Of course it would be!! If you just keep hearing that if you fail you are a miserable loser that can't be given a second chance for so long, what else are you gonna do?? Throw a goddamn party??
And you know what?? If I'm gonna rant about her, I might as well say everything: So today at 1AM, something broke in the place we keep our plates, so everything just fucking crashed... Trust me, waking up to this was not the best experience!! But dure, whatevs!! Later that day, while I decided to open the washing machine door thing or whatever, it broke as well!! What do you do in this situation?? Do you say "oh dear, that's a pity!! Well, the washing machine is pretty old and that other thing was already kinda broken but didn't see it sooner!! How unfortunate"?? Do you try to think like a logical person!! NO!! FUCKING LET JESUS FIX IT!! I'm not joking, her first reaction was to put holy water on it!! You know... In the beginning I was trying to just potray my mom as a deeply religious person... BUT THIS BITCH IS FUCKING UNHINGED!! I'm not even joking!! She is THAT crazy!! She just keeps pretending like Jesus is her fucking friend that we go visit in the weekends (okay, that's kinda funny considering that she was just forcing us to go to church and be be there for god knows how many hours)!! Like, i don't have a kind way of saying this but mom YOU ARE FUCKING MESSED IN THE HEAD!! Gotta love how she keeps calling ME someone who doesn't have contact with reality, while SHE is the insane one here!! Like every time my brain just decides to K.O. me, she literally just says "drink some holy water, LMAO"!! Let's also mention that she keeps doing that thing to purify the house and keeps sending smoke to my room!! Like, listen, I wanna die too, but inhaling smoke that you keep forcing me to breathe is not the way I want to go!!
Let's also not forget how fucking toxic positive she is!! Like she just keeps telling me to suck it up and be grateful!! Like, emotional neglect is going rampant with this woman!! Do you wanna know something mom?? The fact that you keep making fun of me for being immature, do you know why I'm like this?? Because I have been so severely neglected, that my emotional state was never able to grow!! I am so emotionally immature because of that, it has bled into every aspect of me!! Literally every aspect of me except physical is severely underdeveloped!! EVERYTHING!! I just started this week to try and sculpt myself into a more mentally mature state, and holy shit, I almost got fucking crushed from the weight of everything!! So no, I am not being a little bitch because I want to!! You just never let me fucking breathe!! Fuck!! Why do you think that I have so much fucking anxiety all the time??
Coming back to the beginning, I just love the fact that she said "when we'll come back from the Dalmatian Coast you'll get a job"!! Uuuuuhhh, NO!! After we'll come back, I'll either send myself to England and then come back and try to meet A, OOORRRR I'll drag myself back to therapy and try to put myself in a psych ward!! If I choose the second, I'm thinking of breaking things while screaming like I'm possessed!! Because mom apparently doesn't take mental illnesses seriously and thinks that you must be insane to have one, so I guess doing that will fucking convince her!! Like seriously, do we have to go the CPS and mental hospital route?? Two mutuals have already done this, and I think that we are going to a third, like, is THIS seriously the way?? Do you think that I haven't considered bringing the CPS in the situation?? I did, the only reason why I didn't do anything is because I'm unfortunately 18, so idk if I'm able to do anything!! That's why Professor considers running away as an option!!There is a person in mind!! The only reason why that nothing is happening, is because I'm afraid they'll send me back!! But I don't really think that they are that type of person!! I believe that they would listen first before doing that!!
Preresent said in an entry once that I seem "surprising healthy"!! Well, I think that it's time to respond with this entry and just say... I can see the point of view... But I'll disagree!! It's not that nothing is happening, it's just that I try to be a normal functioning human being (or at least try to look like one) online!! I don't want to drag others down with my attitude!! I don't wanna be annoying!! And I also don't wanna attract a circle of self deprecating people, I want to be surrounded with good and well intentioned people!! I want to cheer others up, not drag them down!! I want to be someone people wanna talk to and just let their frustrations out and overall make them feel better!!
But anyway, this entry is getting pretty long, so I'll guess I'll stop here for now!! Ngl, even though I don't wanna admit it, this really felt so nice to write!! I don't wanna be mean, but I just needed to rant about this!!
- Miss Sunshine


3/8/2022

Dad got tested for COVID, and turns out the results were positive!! Even though the rest of us got tested, me and my sister heard our parents talking about whether or not we should actually go... I really hope that we do, I've been waiting for a while for this!!
Aside from that, I have embarrassing news: I'm starting to realise that I might not be straight... Or cis... So I guess that for now I'm a questioning biflux or heteroflexible... As for the gender identity, I guess I'm a questioning genderfluid or biflux (again)... Embarrassing!! But Miss Sunshine, how is that embarrassing?? It's embarrassing because I cannot be a normal fucking thing for once!! Like, imagine just trying to be normal but life says "No!! Fuck you!! Get an identity that is as stable as water"!! What's really funny is that my whole identity is fluid af, really reflects my life!! Unstable house and relationships due to constant moving, the most disorganised attachments I've seen and emotional instability that I HIGHLY suspect I got from my mom (like, fr, get checked, pls)!!
Now that I mentioned mom again... You know, I was really anti traumadumping yesterday, because most people that I've met and are like that are mostly manipulative people, but I guess I should be a bit more open to that... It's just that due to people constantly using me as a vent bin and constantly manipulating me, I've become a little passive aggressive towards all people who vent frequently in general!! Also I am pretty sure that due to mom's constant toxic positivity, it has been implanted the idea in my head that if I decide to vent about anything, I'm just pathetic!! But since I wrote that other entry, I could see the appeal and the need to do it!! It really makes you feel better afterwards!! So I actually wanna do it a bit more now, not only to let things out, but also to read this again later in therapy, because my memories can be really jumbled sometimes, so if I remember it, I should probably write it!!
There is this one thing that I left out in my previous entry, and that is mom just doesn't give a fuck about us anymore, and is just like "You know what?? No, I am not gonna cook for anyone anymore, fuck this"!! Which I just ignored last time because I was like, eh, it's probably because me and my sister are really picky and make her upset, but this literally the third day in a row that I haven't eaten lunch and I'm just thinking, you know what?? I will include it in this entry!! It is literally the third day of me not eating properly, and holy shit, I'm not having it!! I seriously needed to get angry to start writing at a normal speed, because in the beginning I was so hungry, I couldn't type without zoning out!! Like holy shit, these days my dog regression is going rampant, it's insane!! I feel kinda lightheaded and weak, and I HOPE that I won't collapse, because if I do, there's a chance that we won't be with X1 and I swear I REALLY wanna see her right now!! I just want to talk to a friend and relax my mind a bit!! I have some faith in my body though, because there was this one day that I literally didn't eat anything aside from 5 almonds, and by the end of the day, I was still moving!! So I have some confidence that I can handle it!!
I really need to put something in my mouth though!! I overall have a habit of eating ice and shampoo, and I'm not sure if me not eating well for this long will make my body chug down a whole bottle and possibly die from poisoning, and I honestly don't want to find out!! I was thinking of trying to collect my little energy and make scrambled eggs, but I heard that there's some pasta, so I guess I'll eat that with some yogurt!! I usually don't like this, but I'm really desperate right now, I need to eat!! I'm hungry!!
- Miss Sunshine


Despair