My journalWelcome to this world of mine, called mind!! Wanna learn something?? Maybe now's your chance!!
Hey hey, everyone, happy new year!! I hope that you all are having a nice year!! I personally believe that 2022 will be a cool year because a coin inside a sweet said so!!
Well, where should I start: Well, new diary file (RIP the old one, will miss you!!), I decided to keep the appearance the same, because I have attachment issues with the old one!!
Also, while I'm at it, I remembered why I make two !! instead of one!! The answer is shaky hands!! As you can see, sometimes I do typos, such as replacing o with p and e with r, because my hands decide they want to start moving on their own!! Another thing I do is accidentally press something two times instead of one!! In the beginning, I was fixing it, but eventually I just gave up!! (Do you know how it's like to be a perfectionist and have that?? Thank god the suggested words exists on my phone!!)
I'm saying this, because idk if I should go back and try to fix everything, or just let it be because I'm too lazy...
Also, I saw that in my previous one I started writing at 9/1 instead of now, and I wondered why... Then I remembered that I lost my website for a while... Creepy, I don't want that to happen again!!
Anyway, even though I don't like setting goals for the new year, but I hope that I can answer these until next year... Such as: will this diary be for the whole year, or should I start making two, one for winter and one for summer?? can I stop thinking about university for once (just because everyone treats you like you're 18- and ignore that you are still a teen doesn't mean that you have to do the same to me brain!!)?? am I a copinglinker?? am I a pet regressor as well?? where do I swing?? (yes, we have many identity questions here!!) what should my artist name be?? what should I do in that live I'm planning to do (coming this year)?? what mental illness will I uncover this year (the fact that in 2020 I had GAD, and in 2021 I had GAD, social anxiety and ancraophobia, makes me scared about what I'm gonna find!!)?? what character should I cosplay as?? will I find the motivation to do weirdcore characters for that stpry I want?? are the nightmares done yet?? why does this decade feel so far like a long year (I still feel like it's 2020, can you believe that it's been 2 years)??
Well, only the future awaits!! Let's see what will happen!!
- Creator
Oh wow, today is angel number day, damn!!
Well, these past days I felt kinda sick... Yes, it's exactly what you think it is, I got covid!! Well, in the beginning, my throat started hurting and I was feeling really weak and cold, and I did the self and rapid test and it showed negative results, but we did the more detailed one today, and it showed that I have it!! Honestly, thank god, because if I just relied on these, I would have to either a) force myself to go to school, even though I know that I wouldn't be able to do anything or b) stay home, with the crippling anxiety that I don't know if have saved enough days to skip school and study during the end of the year!! But luckily if you have it, you just need to bring a paper to school to excuse your absence, and boom, everything gone!! Thank goodness!!
So yay, but also not yay, because I'm unable to leave my room unless I have to go to the bathroom, and also when I'm listening to music and acting out my daydreams, my self goes from my room to the kitchen, so oof, I have to hold that (luckily I also have other ways, so that won't be a problem...)
I must say, I'm really glad that mom has left us for 2 months due to work, because now I can't infect her!! She's the #1 person that knows what to do when you're sick, but at the same time she's the #1 person that shouldn't be here right now!! I remember her being unable to leave the couch when she got vaccinated, so I believe that having her here while I'm like this is a bad idea!!
So far I feel pretty good, better than 2 days ago when I was just freezing and being so weak that I would just randomly fall asleep... Thank god I got vaccinated, because even though mom is #1 on the weak immune system leaderboard, I'm #2, and I don't feel like freezing more and having my throat be worse!!
Well anyway, I guess that I can have more time to be here, and do more stuff!! That's good I guess!!
- Creator
Update: I forgot to write that I also ate the classic Pringles instead of the salt and vinegar ones, and eating them while having a mild taste, and not something that makes my tongue regret why it exists for the next couple of days, feels weird!!
Yaaayyy, it's 13 today!! Well, I would do something, but I really can't leave my room, I only left to take a bath, and that was pretty much it!! Okay, I tried also to do some datamosh, but I left it, mainly because there was something on the screen that wouldn't just be nice and leave, so I couldn't see much what I did... Also, I had to take that bath, so I didn't do much anyway!!
Also, there's this picture of da comfort character, and I look it at times, just to check how I feel!! I love it, because I just project, and get a response!! Also, his expression is mostly neutral, so he can fit many emotions... But today he was judging me!! That means that I'm stressed about something... Well, I guess that's because at the end of this month 31/1 will be like "bonjour", but I kinda doubt that that's the case, because during 3/10, I felt pretty good... And 3/10 is worse in my opinion... Idk, I'll see!!
And because my mind was just thinking about sushi day, and watching weirdcore/dreamcore/nostalgiacore tiktoks, my brain decided to unlock all the gory nightmares I had as a kid... I mean, they are just two, but holy cow, that's not normal!! Also I watched a "I'm gonna scream the loudest I've ever screm" video on my recommended, and omg, I remembered the series "Rabbids Invasion"!! Idk, it feels so unreal to me that was a thing that actually existed in this realm, the whole series is like a fever dream!!
Also I learned that all the creepy stuff your brain does to you is mostly during the weekend... I then went all over the dates that my brain was like "but what if I just ruined your day", and omg, half of them were literally during the weekend!! I really don't know how to feel about this!!
Well, anyway, in 5 days it's My Melody's birthday, and I really wanna make a playlist based on her, because for some reason there's none on YouTube... Like what??
Well, that's pretty much it, I don't have anything else to say, I hope that you are all fine, and that you are having a nice day!! :)
- Creator
Hi hi everyone!! How is everyone going?? Well, I got pretty obsessed with My Melody these days, so now I obsessively want a plushie of her so bad, my FBI agent worries why half of my search history is about her!!
But well, anyway, today I wanna write about... uuuuuhhhh... that... yeah... Yeah, it's that gore picture that I can't off my head since this morning!! Not because it shocked me so much, but mostly because I just felt that feeling that I haven't felt in some months... Also, I remembered some gorey nightmares I had as a kid, so I went "alright, let's talk about this!!" So yeah, this will be about gore, and I'll get into some detail, so if you wanna skip this entry, it's understandable!!
Ok, with that put of the way, let's start: So, I must say, the picture is not that graphic, it's just Uta being amputated, and My Melody being ripped in two (don't worry, there's stuffing inside!!) and Kuromi crying, trying to stop someone!! Ok, now that I wrote it, I really feel like I would dream this!! It fits so much with the other things I dreamt as a kid!! But anyway, that for later!!
Now, you see, there's not guts, no organs everywhere, nothing too much for me!! Not that means much anyway, because I can handle drawn gore, and I honestly kinda like stuff like candy gore!! So what happened here??
This situation reminds me of the second nightmare I had as a kid!! It was with Barbie and a prince, in a castle, and then suddenly Barbie fell, and she shattered into her limbs (one head there, one arm there), and then the prince got shocked, and he said "We must do something, you're gonna bleed!!" and then her head stood up, and she said "It's alright, I'm gonna drink it!!" and then it fell back, and the whole room flooded with blood... It was like the picture (no guts or anything), but unlike it, I actually got over it, and I'm fine now!! But if it's not that, then what is it??
Well, let's look at my first nightmare, shall we?? So in this one, we have Rinko from Jewelpet!! In this one, it was just some creepy bug body horror thing, and I must say... This is probably one of the reasons why I'm scared of bugs and can't handle body horror at all!! I'm actually so disturbed, that I didn't even describe this in detail!!
Well, you are comparing body horror to amputation, that's not exactly how it goes!! Yes, but I wanna point something out: I was a big fan of Jewelpet!! There were times when I would watch it in secret, because my parents wouldn't let me!! I LOVED Jewelpet!! I still do!! So, because of that, seeing this nightmare was extremely disturbing, creepy, unsettling, and all kinds of things!!
That's happening to me again right now, Onegai My Melody is my biggest comfort, because My Melody is so calmimg and soothing, she literally made me binge watch the entire season!! To me, My Melody is this pure being that will make me calm down and feel safe!! So now, seeing this, made me feel like my comfort was being violently destroyed in front of my eyes!! I really felt threatened by this!!
And that's what makes Sushi Day, or 31/1 so bad!! It's your comfort character ripping his organs out in 4K, and you can't stop looking at it, because your head refuses to!! It's that comfort being brutally destroyed and taken from you!! And that's how you go from a comfort character, to a monster that hides in the corner of your room, resulting in you waking up in the middle of the night to make sure nothing will attack you, and even having moments when you would cry because you don't wanna go to sleep because of this!!
And that's what makes me so worried about My Melody!! Because I want her to be this innocent, comforting being, not something that will keep me up at night!! I really want something comforting, things like these make me extremely upset!! I don't know what to do, I hope that it won't evolve like that!!
.... Okay, anyway, I thought something irrelevant, so now I have to say it: My man is literally the only one that is a dude in this whole gorey thing!! You go my guy, don't let those stereotypes get into you, dp what you love, go crazy!! *laughs while crying*
- Creator
Well, hello there!! I'm Miss Wannabe!! Idk if you get the reference... Well anyway!!
Good news, I'm starting to get better!! That means that tomorrow we'll go to do a test, and after that I'll be fine!! Mom also comes this Tuesday instead of February, and that makes me happy!! We won't have to wait another month for her to come back, yaaayyy!!
Also, these days I have regressed these days more than I did in my previous lifetimes combined!! I literally spent half the time in this room just regressing!! A little bit because I watched Onegai My Melody, a little bit because of what I was eating, but I think that it's mostly because I felt really safe and loved!! Like, holy cow, I have never been this happy while regressed!! I love it!!
Now that I think of it, I should write down some things about it, because I wanna get a clearer view of what my little age is... We'll get there eventually!!
In general I must say, these days were really nice for me, I loved them, I want things to keep going like this!! Everything is so great right now!!
- Creator
This user forgot to put a warning about discussions of trauma, until midway through!! Congrats!!
Oh no, cursed day!! What have I discovered this month??
Well, I was like "well, I'm not gonna do anything, I'm just gonna sit here..." And yeah, for some reason I have this weird sensation around my neck... I don't like it!! It's stuff like this that make me go "What the hell is happening?? I'm not traumatised, but I keep seeing nightmares and having sensations, what is happening??" I'm sure they are not flashbacks, because I know that I'm not reliving that moment of my life, and neither are the nightmares about things that happened to me!! I mean my parents and family are really nice and caring, so trauma from them is impossible!! In general, people in my life are decent, so it's not like someone abused me!! Besides, I must say since I was a kid my imagination and dreams were weird, and I remember my childhood quite well honestly!! And everything was just fine?? Then what, someone did something to me in the hospital the moment I was born?? Yeah, that's stupid!!
Like, I KNOW I'm not traumatised, but last week I told my therapist about 31/1 and 3/10 and she said "that makes me concerned" and like not the I'm simply concerned the "I'm asking you to give me permission to talk about this with your uncle (maybe because he's a psychiatrist), because wth did I just heard!!" And since that moment my mind goes "what if it's this??" "what if it's that??" and it doesn't want to shut up!! Don't you hate it when sessions end in a cliffhanger, and you have to wait a whole week until you can go again??
Oh, about 31/1 you ask?? Well, I decided to make my OCs do a surgery on my comfort character, ate noodles instead of sushi (oof!!) and cried about the fact that I couldn't play Toram Online with my sister like last year, because my phone doesn't support the new versions anymore!! :,)
Well everything would be fine... But I forgot that sushi day actually lasts until the end of February, because of course yes!! January he takes out his organs, February he beats up people!! Don't worry he doesn't discriminate, you're included!! :,) (Isn't Maladaptive Daydreaming so awesome??)
Also irrelevant something also happened again this morning, and my brain said "alright, we shut off ourselves emotionally!!" and it was just a big void for a while... I wanted to get annoyed at it, but nah, I couldn't because void!! How did P lasted so many months like this?? And he had more things than his emotions shut off... How did he manage, oh my god...
Speaking of P, I've been weirdly obsessing over 12/3 for a while, and I hate it!! And I must say looking back at it makes me wonder how did K manage to be with us when we were like that?? No really, the best way I can describe me and P during that period is "we were like drug addicts"!!
Meanwhile, I must say, for some reason I'm actually fine while I'm writing this?? Idk, I should be sad or something, but I feel fine while writing this, idk... If I sound sad, I'm actually not!! It's really like that sometimes when I just say weird stuff and I'm like "this is fine!!"
Well anyway, I just wanted to write something, because I was like "WHAT?? LAST UPDATED 4 DAYS AGO??" so here I spawned!!
- Creator
Can't tell if it's the fact that I haven't slept much or because the bloodbath is coming, but I feel like ranting!!
Hi!! :) How are you doing?? Happy Valentine's Day for yesterday!! How did you spend your day?? Well I personally just sat there... I wasn't hyped about it, but I'm not one of those that cried their fates either!! I just vibed... Though I must say, that piece of paper over there... I feel like I need to confess to it one day!! Oh paper senpai, will you accept my feelings??
Wait, didn't you have that guy that confessed to you you may ask!! Well yes, but as of today, he's getting dumped, because honestly screw him!! Why?? Well, here's a whole explanation!!
So he confessed literally OUT OF NOWHERE, and for some reason that makes sense?? Like idk if he saw something that I do in class and he found it nice, because I literally just sit there playing with my hair, scratching my head, and writing in my school diary (as I call it)!! I honestly can't find something attractive about this!! I don't talk much either, so it's not like he likes something about my personality!! No really, there are times where I talk like an npc giving my famous answers "yes" "idk" and "maybe"!! No seriously, you here on Neocities know 10x the things that my average classmate does!! Now that I think of it I did compliment him at one point, but I can't understand the mental gymnastics of me making one single compliment and then they confess to me!!
And now, the reason why I'm like "okay, that was it!!" Because this guy just doesn't want to spend 10 minutes being with me!! Yes, in the beginning we were in some breaks, but now I hear the stupidest of excuses when I ask him!! Like bro, shouldn't you try at least to make me like you, I felt suprised in the beginning, but now I feel flat annoyed!! And it shows, because let me ask you, when was the last time I talked about him?? If I lose interest over someone, then why even bring them up??
I swear to god, K cared more about me!! But whatever, let's leave him aside!! Do you remember V?? Fun fact, V talked to me because he loved me, but when I started acting like a jerk (I didn't know that V liked me during that time, sorry V!!) do you know what happened?? V still talked to me, heard my problems, and even now when he moved towns, we still talk to each other and pretty frequently!! So what's your excuse?? If anything, this whole thing make me ask myself if I should openly go to V and say "I love you" even though I'm not sure if I do!! I feel way more things for V than this guy!! This is unreal!!
That's all I'm saying for now!! Btw, pizza girl, you're next, me and my sister finally cut ties with you, thank god!! When I'll have a big list of things, I'll do one entry for you, your time is coming!! But seriously, if you say you love me but can't dedicate to me 5 minutes over the span of two months, do you really expect me to still care??
- Creator
Hello everyone!! How are you all doing!! :) Wait... no, maybe I should change it, I just remembered randomly yesterday that I used to watch "The Adventures of Hello Kitty and Friends" and in that series, Hello Kitty had a blog, and she started her entries with "Dear readers"!!
Irrelevant, but I mentioned Hello Kitty, and I just remembered a tiktok of someone making Hello Kitty choco bombs, and now I want one of those... I'm suddenly hungry now!! (Also, these days I've been saying "irrelevant, but..." a lot, why??)
I must say that these past two days were a ride!! In Thursday, I had such a bad depersonalisation moment, that my mind said "You're Taka now!! That's how I'm gonna deal with it, you're Taka now!!" Even though the "bad moment" lasted for literally a few minutes, it was so bad, I wanted to lay down, curl up in a ball, and tell the teacher that I'm not feeling well!! But that would be weird, randomly standing up to throw away a paper and then you end up curling in a ball in front of the class... What, you're 5 meters away from the bin, you can't walk for 5 seconds?? Also I must say, Thursday was also the day that I realised that nobody wants me around them, and I wasted 6 months of my life on trying to make friends while I knew I would end up like this!! :) I'm gonna give up this year and not talk to anyone, try next year at university, and if I fail there as well, Idc, I have V, X1, X2, and A!!
Anyway, I go home, the rest of the day passes in an okay level, and then night comes!! I decided to check my YouTube channel for some reason, and I see that my most recent video had 179 views!! I felt so terrified!! I saw the statistics of the video and I felt more terrified!! What is going on who are all those people?? My channel normally has 10 views, and the nine out of them are me!! That made me so scared, my social anxiety kicked in,and told me that I was being stalked and that someone must have said something about me, and that made everything bad!! I started breathing shortly and heavily in fear!! What do I do?? Do I calm myself down like a normal person?? Do I accept my fate?? No, I deleted the video and I'm probably reuploading it, and I'm gonna keep doing it until nobody watches it!! Like and subscribe, pff yeah, don't like don't comment, don't subscribe, don't talk to ne, don't look at me!! I'm someone who can handle many subs and views, but I need a flow!! My Neocities has a flow (btwthanksfor70followersloveya!!), my Tumblr has a flow, my YouTube has a flow!! I can handle things as long as they become gradually!! That DID NOT have a flow!! If it doesn't have a flow, I get scared like a bunny!! Blowing up is okay for me as long as blowing up means that from 5, ten people watched my video!! Anything more than that brings me anxiety!!
But anyway, let's go to yesterday!! So I was talking to V, in a group chat that my sister was there, and during that moment, she had gone out with mom to the hairdresser!! So him and I were talking, everything felt great (I really missed you V!!), and I felt so happy, like it was January of 2021 again!! Also, now that we're talking about it, I must say that since this September time seems so pointless to me, like nothing really happened!! I haven't understood at all that it's been 6 months since then, and that I'm writing Panhellenics (so that's how they're called) in 3,5 months!! Also this January felt so bland and tasteless, I want a new one!! Maybe because V isn't here, and I couldn't spend time with him!! TwT When are you coming back V??
But then, it all came to an end!! My sister wrote "Mom saw the chat!!" which, would be fine, all I care... If I didn't call V, V instead of his actual name and then explain why I called him that!! Seriously, the only thing missing was the link!! It's not that he didn't know I had a blog, it's just that I explained him that and even if I tried to panic delete the message, his response had the phrase "in your blog", so it would be pointless!! I asked her what mom saw, but she didn't respond, probably because she was getting a haircut that moment!! And that made me have an anxiety attack!! I must say, it was different than the one I had due to my ancraophobia going up, instead of feeling paralysed, I felt helpless and a huge urge to hide!! It's not that it's the end of the world if she finds out, I just don't want her to find out now!! Maybe later... Just not now!! Also I was talking to V about what new Pokémon cards I had since last time we met (not to be "look I'm so mentally ill!!" I just felt like he would love to know, he only knew my GAD, so I felt like I should tell him!!), and he just had to wait 10 minutes because I was breathing like I had asthma, and dad heard me crying and breathing like that, he came in to calm me down... Oof!! Btw, thanks dad, I appreciate it!!
Luckily, my sister then replied that she didn't see anything, so we're fine!! After that we talked some more, and I played some random mobile games in the app we were talking... I must say, that coolness I felt after crying, with the small happiness of playing games felt so therapeutic to me after that!! I really liked it!! I must say I was kinda checking my breath and thinking "okay, that's how you breathe normally, that's the amount of air you breathe!!" But now I feel fine and better, I'm glad I talked to V, I can't wait to see if we're gonna talk again today, in general I feel good!! :D
- Creator
Hello everyone!! :D How's it going?? ^^ I must say, I genuinely liked this day, it felt so nice!! ^^
So we have this thing today, called... Idk how to translate it... "BBQ Thursday" I guess?? Idk!! So basically, today we dress up, have barbeques everywhere, dance to the "Macarena", and all that jazz!! :P This is the one time of the year where I go "finally, I can become one of my OCs today!!" (no, we don't have Halloween here!!) (And yes, this is a genuine event that happens every year!!)
So I went to school, have the first 3 hours be totally awful because I felt lonely as heck, and I kinda started crying inside a bit... But it's okay because then, the food came!! We would normally make the barbecue ourselves, but it's Corona, sooo... An uncle of one of my classmates offered to do it for us, so we payed for it, and we all got a nice souvlaki per person (quick rant here: I just realised that you guys pronounce gyro as "jairo"?? Why?? I understand that English alphabet doesn't have the same sounds, but why?? Just why??)!! So I ate it, and then I became my weirdcore persona, with a tv for a head!! People liked it!! :D It was so nice, vtdfdydyddyydyd!!
Then one of my classmates said that we should all go to another class, because the other classmates were there... So I kinda sat there... Then I got tired of just sitting up, so I sat next to a girl that was dressed up as Connor from Detroit: Become Human, and we started talking... I really wanted to be friends with her for a long time, but I was too anxious for it... But she said she wanted me around and we started talking about stuff like liminal spaces, backrooms, anime, horror stuff, fandoms and all that, it felt so niiiceee!! I loved it so much, I want to go talk to her again tomorrow, she's so awesome!!
Also, kinda irrelevant, but these days I'm kinda questioning myself a little bit as to things about sexuality and all that, and because she told me "Well, you don't have to force a label on yourself, take your time!!" And, I'm gonna do that, because I feel like that's the best... Well, we'll see...
Well anyway, today, was a nice day, I liked it, can't wait to talk to her again tomorrow!! :D
- [insert weirdcore persona name]
Hello everyone!! How's it going?? :D
I put on my... Idk how to call them, "March Bracelet" I guess?? So it's actually a bracelet made by white and red threads because the customs said why not?? I think that it's SuPpOsEdLy protecting you from the sun and the weather or something like that!! So yeah, I wear mine now, and I'm gonna keep wearing it until the end of the month!!
So what happened since last time?? Well, I still talk to the girl I did in BBQ day, so that's great!! ^^ Because I didn't know how to call her, she said that "Bell" should be fine, so I'm gonna call her that!! :D
(Also, I had to learn after I wrote my last entry about the whole Russia-Ukraine thing, and I honestly hate it because I genuinely don't feel like I can do something to help the situation!! Well, if anyone here is Ukrainian, I can listen to you if you wanna talk to me, that's the best I can do currently!! And on freaking BBQ Thursday, really?? )
Well, about me... I honestly don't know!! Like, I feel great actually, but for some reason I have hallucinated random things these past three days?? Like, I heard a siren and a choir at one point, I heard the bell ring at random times, and at one point I smelled and tasted mom's perfume, even though she's not here right now?? Or these days in general?? Like I didn't go full blown psychosis, but what?? I sleep normally, and I'm feeling okay?? I feel great actually, no paranoia or anything!! Idk, it's so weird!! I mean, get random tastes and smells frequently, but now it was the hearing things as well, what?? Like I know I'm not crazy, but this is so out of nowhere!!
Well anyways, I also got really into the backrooms, so I decided to make my own story in them!! In general, this whole thing feels really cool, I would love to make my own levels at some point!! I mostly search about random levels now, but when I feel like I searched enough, I'm gonna start writing!! :D Can't wait!!
- Creator
Hello everyone?? How's it going?? Me?? No, you know that I'm not fine!! I mean sure, I'm kinda okay right now, but in general not really!!
So I've said yesterday as well, I've been diagnosed with PTSD!! Possibly C-PTSD, but nobody knows, because my brain decided to press the "delete" button!! So oof!! The thing is, I haven't processed it yet, and I'm kinda in denial... Like you know you're coping when you hear this, and your brain decides to go happy cheerful mode because it wants to distract you!! Thanks brain!!
But luckily, I have the emotional support of LITERARY NOBODY!! I'm kinda surprised I must say!! So I told some people because I didn't know what to do or how to react and I wanted someone to listen to me!! All I got was a "okay, that's normal everybody has it!!" Like, do you all know that I share a mental illness with war veterans and r@ped children, or are we gonna sugarcoat that?? Oh sorry my bad, I'm 17 and I'm in 12th grade, I have no rights, it's ALL Panhellenics' fault!! No seriously, people literally give no shits about the fact that I'm having nightmares and flashbacks!! If you're 17 in Greece, nobody treats you like that, you go from 16 to 18 despite that some people like me need TIME!! This has to be one of the most empty years of my life, and I want it BACK!! Aaaahhh yes, all I need to do is study like a robot for the exams because who cares!! Seriously, do you all collectively cope or something?? The fact that everyone excuses my trauma just... just... IT JUST PISSES ME OFF!!
And because nobody cares, I might go into traumacore and start making edits because I don't know how to deal with this!! Like, the only thing that I can ask myself is "why me??" Not the pessimistic why me, the genuinely curious one?? Why me?? I wasn't abused by my parents!! I had friends back then!! Everything seems... normal!! I would ask you if my face looks like it's been traumatised, because when I look myself in the mirror I don't see that!! Yes, you don't look in a specific way, but... me?? Why??
Well anyway, the oc art swap started!! I should make the reference sheet and give it tomorrow!!
So that's all for now, see you next time!! :D
- Creator
So yeah, I got kinda... angry!! And had a bit of... a meltdown... So yeah... It's gonna be an intense entry!!
Look... I don't wanna look like I want my mental health to be terrible for attention, and I do indeed understand that the things that some people go through are indeed really hard for them, but... But...
So I went to a neurologist to see if anything is wrong with my brain... And all I got was that everything is fine... A fine!! Are we for real??
"What, you wanted it to NOT be fine??" Actually YES, I would love that!! I would REALLY love that!! Because if it showed that I wasn't fine, people would take me seriously!! And by people I mean my mom!! Bro, I swear, telling her the fact that I have PTSD, and her saying "it's normal"... That has to be the LAST time I'm opening up, that shit crushed my soul!! I wanted something to show that hey, SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH ME!! And you know what?? After this, not even I can take the fact that I have it seriously!! I can't take ANY of my mental illnesses right now seriously!! Literally fuck it, from now on, I refuse to believe that I have anything until I'm on the floor maybe from flashbacks and shit!! Oh god, the flashbacks... I GENUINELY hope that this PATHETIC attempt at a human vessel that I live in, gets triggered into oblivion!! Because that's what it deserves!! That's what it deserves for all those headaches, and all those hallucinations, and all this paranoia... All this SUFFERING, FOR A FUCKING FINE!! I SWEAR TO GOD, HOPE YOU GET SO BADLY TRIGGERED YOU END UP IN THE HOSPITAL, YOU FUCKING MISTAKE!!
I just genuinely feel like everything that I feel is a joke!! I feel like a clown!! I cannot take myself seriously!! And the fact that my brain has THE AUDACITY to keep making me dissociate and give me headaches... Literally... FUCK YOU!! I swear to god, I would beat myself up right now if I could, I'm so angry... And the fact that I'm crying because I'm angry makes wanna explode!! It makes me hate even more this ABOMINATION of a self... You're not mentally ill!! Your head and your intelligence is just of the magnitude and size that it's so small, not even a magnifying glass helps!!
No!! It's my fault!! I was too kind to myself, and that made it think that it can do whatever it wants!! I have to be more strict to myself!! Like, why tf am I crying when I'm mad, this is bullshit!! You know what, I cannot care anymore, gonna put all the "self-positivity" aside and go back to my self-hate sessions!! Literally fuck this!!
So yeah, I currently hate this, and I'm just having a public meltdown, but I can't really care right now, when I'm tired!! As for myself... Fuck you!! Wishing you the worst, hope you die, you piss me off!!
- Creator
Tw, because I did something yesterday, and I'm mentioning it a few times here, as well as some other stuff... Not too much though!!
So today is 25/3 aaaayyy!! Today was finally the day that I would do my first parade in high school, and my last parade ever, because 12th grade!! Kinda sad, but hey, it was fun!!
So I woke up today and tried to cover the "mess" I did yesterday, but failed!! :) I then started doing random ordinary day stuff, and was trying to hide it!! Then it was time for me to get ready, so I did exactly that, and then mom put on some makeup on me, and thank god, nothing was visible when I put my shirt on, because yes it's only 20% transparent, but it's STILL transparent!! Sorry bro, I just don't want to have my sliced arm in display right now, you feel me??
I then rushed to the place we had to meet, and felt kinda anxious, because I was scared I might get triggered because... I honestly don't know, I really felt like something triggering was gonna happen!! But anyway, everything was alright, and after some searching I found my school, and everything was alright!! Well, almost!! We had to put on a scarf, and well... I thought it can't be that bad... So I put it around my neck, tighten it,and oh my god, I think I got sent to the moon!! So apparently that triggered me, yay!! I swear, the amount of pain I felt in my neck was unreal, the scarf barely touched it!! Not only that but that dissociation sent me, and I was breathing like I was dying!! But hey, V2 (do I still call him V2??), helped me calm down so we're good!!
Unfortunately I didn't do ANY preparation for the parade unlike my other classmates, but from what I understood, there was no difference, because the teacher was kinda bad!! But anyway, the parade starts, all the schools start, everything was fine!! And the I saw the junior high school I was going to... They were SO GOOD, I felt intimidated by them!! And I mean looking Dictator Taka™ in the eyes intimidation!!
And then it was our turn!! I tried to gather all the experiences I had: From the Red Cross ones I did when I was a kid, to all the school ones!! I still lost my rhythm a bit, but I think I did pretty good!! Some girls couldn't understand the rhythm from the music, but luckily my little experienced music ear did nail to pick up some things!! Overall, it was good!! The teacher was kinda annoying, but it's all good!! Yes, I'm rushing this part because mom wants me to get ready again to go outside!! So yeah, all that happened, I have to get ready now, bye!!
- Creator
Haha... Ahaha... Aha, haha, ha... ha... haaa...
Well, oof, I'm really gonna look like an idiot for saying it NOW, but oh well... Apparently everything's fine!! I don't have PTSD, I don't have GAD, I don't have anything... Oh my god, I really feel like an asshole right now, I feel like I faked everything for clout... I feel so bad in fact, I feel like I did everything for sympathy...
Yeah, oof, well, everything's fine!! Well I see that the year is gonna end in a few months, so I guess I'll just do normal therapy until then... I don't know, we'll see....
Do I feel happy about it?? Yes, but at the same time no because the last two years of my life was me lying to myself?? Yeah... Kinda stuck in the loading screen but whatever... It'll just go away, that's how things go, I just wait, and then it goes away!! So I'll just do that!!
I feel stupid, but at the same time, I shouldn't put all the blame to myself... Everything was just a misunderstanding, I didn't wake up and said "I'm gonna start faking illnesses!!" Oh yeah, at least I didn't do that!! But whatever... I guess everything's fine now, all I need are a few more sessions I guess, and everything will be fine!! I guess...
- Creator
Edit: Sorry for the mental breakdowns these days, expect more to come because me and P have gone mentally back 6 months!! :) No, I'm not fine, I'm actually terrible right now!!
Okay, okay, everything's better now!!
Yeah, I should say what happened... So my mom thought that I was faking, and that made me have a mental breakdown, that pretty much went all over my socials... Luckily I actually tried to lose it in private, because me screaming in the internet... Is not the best idea!! So luckily, if you saw my socials that time, you wouldn't notice much!! And then, yesterday came, I asked my therapist about it, ahe said "No, you have it!!" so I have calmed down now!!
I think I lost it because my parents are not the ones who gave me my trauma, so I trust them, and apparently I trust them a little TOO much it seems!! Again though, luckily everything is fine, it's now over!!
Also, me and P are trying to do something about the whole emotion switch thing, because that got kinda screwed these days!! Now, me, I was just crying and feeling angry, and then feeling dead inside, but P... P always has it worse for some reason!! When this happens to him, he zones out, and stop talking, and he has a straight face the whole time, and then he either gets triggered, or extreme emotional outbursts!! Like damn, chill, you actually scare me!!
Anyway, I also wanted to write something that I think is important!! So yesterday me and my therapist were looking a bit into the whole 3/10 thing (maybe because the psychiatrist said so??) and... Sorry irrelevant, I just realised that 3/10 is the date I had the nightmare where I got funked for the first time, while 10/3 is the day I got diagnosed with PTSD... Wow....
Anyway, anyway!! So we were talking about it, and I was genuinely confused if there's also some underlying trauma in there as well... And she said that it probably happens for two reasons: 1) My trauma doesn't always manifest in ways that is necessarily related to it, and I must say, that explains a lot of my triggers, and 2)... Well... Apparently, how should I put it, I'm "being too innocent"!! Which, what?? *blinks aggressively* Wha- What?? But I thought that my mind is edgy enough... And in general I'm surprised, because I'm not even halfway through my plan of being a completely innocent angel child anime character!! I just want to be the incarnation of My Melody!! (And MM! Taka as well, but we're talking about innocent stuff here!!) Why does my brain play so dirty with me, like come on, don't you wanna be the real life version of a cutie pie, why are you doing this to me??
Also, last thing, this month I have made two new OCs, I should put them in the OC page!! I really want to put photos in there, but I'm too lazy to draw them!! Maybe I should make picrews of them?? Idk we'll see...
- Creator
Hello everyone, how are you all doing?? I must say, these days have been... Really good!! Yesterday I submitted my drawing for the oc art swap, and I can't wait to see what the others have made!! I'm dying to know how Miss Wannabe looks like in someone else's style!! Can't wait can't wait can't wait!!
Also... finally after ✨15 MONTHS✨, my comfort character has finally become the thing that he was supposed to be, and he gave me comfort again!! These days have been really windy and I was doing a shitpost kinda thing with my comfort character in it, and I must say, my ancraophobia got actually kinda reduced and I felt safe... So I finally understood that he got back in his original role, and stopped taking whatever drugs he was on since sushi day!! I'm so happy!!
Now some people will ask "Why don't you just get a new one??" Well, aside from the fact that I'm not in charge of my brain anymore, my maladaptive daydreaming is (if I was in charge 31/1 wouldn't exist), I actually don't find it a good idea!! If suddenly my comfort character is making lose it, and makes me distressed, that's... Not really the character's fault in my opinion?? Especially when that character doesn't even exist and doesn't have a story?? In my opinion, that's a personal problem that causes this!! And in my case, it was exactly that!! If I didn't tell my therapist about things like 31/1, 3/10 and all that, I wouldn't go to a psychiatrist and I wouldn't get diagnosed!! I must say, I DID get some new comfort characters, such as My Melody and... I_hate_this_guy, out of desperation... But I still kept my old one because to me... He's just a character, if there's a problem with him, it comes from ME!! So I should question what's wrong with myself instead!!
I was kinda thinking if I should just put some pictures of him in the corner of my bed to make me feel better, but idk, we'll see about that... I have some pictures, but idk if I should put some more that I have and just turn it into a whole character shrine!! But whatever, we'll see about that!!
- Creator
Hello everyone!! How are you all doing?? Me?? Well, mostly alright!! I did unlock a new memory... 2 days ago?? I think?? And apparently, my whole brain went "WHA-??" And apparently, everything changed, because we all thought that I got my trauma from bullying... Turns out the answer is not really!! :,)
And because of that, I guess that my PTSD is leaning more towards in the cPTSD category... But I can't say for sure because cPTSD looks very similar to BPD/EUPD, and I don't wanna make conclusions!! Aaahh!!
I must say, this whole thing made me look at P and go "How are you still alive??" I really feel so awful for not recognising that he needed help!! All I did was just using the "I don't have it, so neither do you!!" card, without giving it second thought!! I wish I would just question that behaviour, even for a second, but I didn't!!
P?? Yeah, he got a little unstable these days (damn, now I truly live up to the "go unstable" button's vibe), but compared to those 8 months, he's doing ✨FaNtAsTiC✨!! And because I don't wanna just write sad things, me and P finally agreed and we stopped arguing about... What we were arguing!! He agreed with me, which yeah I know I'm right, I told you that I'm right, I knew that you were gonna agree with me *continues snobby monologue*!!
Also I made BBQ chips yesterday!! No, fr, I made chips!! It is actually a lot easier than it looks, I must say, all you need is to just cut them really thin, but it wasn't that hard because if you have that thing where you just grab them and slide them through the blade!! Though I must say, in the recipe, it said to first boil them before frying them, but I didn't, so I guess that's why the center wasn't actually crunchy but just... fried!!
And then all you need to do is just fry them and put the flavour you want when you take them out... Which, the flavour part is either super easy (you want salt, you put salt, you want paprika, you put paprika, you want oregano, you put oregano), or super difficult (like if you want something like "ketchup" or "sour cream and onion", because you have to find them in powder form, but idk where those things are in the store, so yeee!!)
In general, these days have been okay, everything is going fine!! Though I must say, tomorrow is when the art swap drawings get revealed, and I must say, I wanna know SO BADLY!! Aaahhh, can't waaaaiiiittt!!
- Miss Wannabe
Omg, are you okay, you are updating the diary everyday, is everything okay??
Yeah!! To be honest, yeah, everything is fine!! I just discovered something this night before I go to school, so I thought that recording it would really help!! Also I'm glad that I'm updating the diary with carefree entries everyday, because that's what I actually like to do!! Not having much on my mind, writing in Neocities while relaxing and having fun!! That's how I want things to be!!
Also today I went on my last schooltrip ever, and I must say!! It was good!! I must say, I doubt that I will miss the place because I've been going there since 6th grade so I started to get bored, but still had fun!! I played volleyball with my classmates, and everything was nice, I think that I did indeed have fun!! Can't believe that this is my last week at school, after that I'm gonna just be at home, study for the exams and... That was honestly it, but 10/6 everything will be done!! I'm gonna be done for school forever!! Kinda surprised that in a month everything ends, but hey, I've been disconnected from this plane of existence since September so of course I am surprised, your sense of time gets messy!!
Also, next month is my birthday, and I'm wondering if I should invite people over!! I mean I want to, but should I?? I also started craving those one minute cakes I saw on YouTube and I really wanna make some, should I wait until then?? I really wanna make them, mostly because I have been in this cooking spree these days for... No apparent reason!!
But anyway, I'm getting of track here, I should write what I originally wanted!! The thing about yesterday night!!
So it was really windy and I couldn't sleep (why is it so windy these days??) and my mind was in panic mode!! Now I must say, my ancraophobia has been getting better, today was also windy, but I nailed to play with others just fine, but the sound... The sound still scares me a lot!! I mostly get scared when I'm inside a building or when I hear it, but when I go outside, everything seems less scary!! The thing is, it was in the middle of the night, I couldn't just go out and t-pose at the wind!! So my mind just went for the next option and I regressed!! But not age regressed!! But rather PET regressed!! I don't know how that helped, because my brain just went "run!! hide!!" mode, but sure!! (Look it had to be something quiet, because trauma makes my brain be extremely quiet, even in moments when I'm having flashbacks and such!!)
I guess that it was a deer, but at the same time not really?? It had that run and hide thing, but at the same time my brain said "go dig a hole up and hide in it!!" which I don't think that it's a thing that deers do!! Also... Nomyparentspayed600euros
forthismattress,
Idontthinksobuddy!!
So yeah, I wanna find out what I regress to!! Though I tried to gather up some memories to see if anything like that was happening before, and I think that I also regress to a dog... Idk, it's day 1, can't figure out everything in day 1!! Also speaking of regression, I got more of a grip of my little age and I think that it's 0/1 to 6/7 or 8!! Yeah, not much progress, but I have a general idea, I just need to narrow it down!!
Also I'm surprised how I didn't see this earlier, especially when the Mental Illness and Coping Mechanism Beta Tester™ (that goes by the name of P), showed slight signs of it!! Idk, I guess 11/4 really is that day when I just go blind, just like last year!!
Yeah, that was pretty much it, I wanted to write it down, because I wanna look more into it into the future, and see what I can do with it?? I mean hey, as long as my brain feels like it's doing the right thing, I guess that it can go for it!!
- Creator
Hello everyone!! How are you all doing?? This week is finally over and schools are closed for Easter sooo... No school for me again!! Okay, I must say, I will go a few times, because I don't wanna be absent to the point I'll stay in the same class!! Also apparently school's planning one last trip for a whole day, so I really wanna go that day!! There's also a day were there will be a Panhellenics simulation, so I wanna go that day as well because if I get used to the environment, I'll be less anxious!!
Also these days we were doing relaxation exercises, and it so awesome!! Unfortunately we didn't do them yesterday because the program changed!! :( But I really liked them!!
Also about the pet regression thing: There are two types of progress!! 1) "I think that I regress to a dog!!" Yes, you do, and in fact I have found with complete detail accuracy that you regress to a golden retriever!! 2) "It's a deer... I think, what is it exactly??" I have no clue!! *insert Tom raising shoulders meme here*
I must I'm kinda glad I already found one out of two, that's great progress for me!! And that's because when I find out what is happening with me, I can see what I improve!! What triggers my regression?? Is there a way to do something about it?? Stuff like that!!
But whatever, I'm gonna stop here, and just wish you guys happy Easter for when it comes, and I'm also wishing you a very nice day!!
- Creator
TW: Depersonalisation/Derealisation (also having a breakdown and swearing)
I can't!! I can't take it anymore!! It's been two weeks, I can't take it anymore, please, make it stop!! I've been violently dissociating for the past two weeks, I don't even know what happened at this point!! I don't remember anything!! Only my birthday, but that's fuzzy as well!! Just help me!! Someone help me!! HELP ME!!
I don't even know what's happening right now... It's just someone talking, and that person talking is not me!! I'm not here right now, I'm not the one talking!! It's something, but it's not me!!
I really feel like P now!! Just one big, giant void, of emptiness!! Just nothing!! One big nothing!! The more I say it, the more I feel bad for the guy honestly!! He's just one big void, with nothing inside!! If he feels any kind of emotion, it's mostly a flashback!! Damn!! I feel so bad for him!!
What's worse is that my brain probably feels like this over something insignificant, probably like "oh no, I feel left out"!! Like, shut up you stupid bitch!! What do you want me to do about it?? I'm so TIRED when it's just like that, over petty things!! Bro, nobody cares, not even me!! We're literally in the same body, deal with it!!
Oh god, and now I have math lessons!! I'm not saying because I don't want to do them, no!! I actually love the teacher, and I don't wanna ruin other people's mood while looking like that!! I have ranked her as the best teacher of all of the ones I have in private lessons!! Like, this is the only day my brain looks forward to learn, and it fucking destroys everything like a pathetic piece of shit, like, come on!!
I just want this to end... It's been two weeks, it hasn't stopped, I want this to end!!
- ???
So... Here I am again!! Must say, I now feel better!! Thankfully... I think...
Luckily, I feel more grounded now!! I'm currently more in the present, I think... I'm kinda glad, but at the same time not really... I think that I should be though, because being in the situation I'm right now is better than struggling with depersonalisation and dissociating to the point I'm detached from everything!!
So I as I said, I'm grounded now!! The thing is, the thing that causes it is not over yet!! Exams start in two days, and Panhellenics start almost immediately after that, so now I'm kinda stressed!! The problem is, I can't daydream it away, because I try to focus on studying!! So that is out of the way!! And my whole brain, both conscious and unconscious is like "Nah, regression ain't it either!!" So now my brain feels trapped with no escape!! My conscious feels stress, but I'm sure that my subconscious wants to cry right now, and wants this to end!! I mean, it forced me to dissociate for two weeks straight!! It also made me come back here and start updating, it NEEDED to think about something else!!
So what does it do?? It tries to find something and get attached to it, because it's DESPERATE for some escape!! It NEEDS to escape!! Meanwhile, I was just having my average day on YouTube, when I saw some objection.lol videos!! Now I knew Ace Attorney, but I haven't seen it, so now I decided to watch some gameplay to distract myself!! You bet that my brain got attached full force because it needed an escape!! I literally watched 10 hours of gameplay in three days, that's how desperate my brain is!! So because of that, expect me to talk about it these days!! That's just me trying to distract myself from the exams!!
Just like October with HAL and 2001: A Space Odyssey!! I was really stressed back then as well, so I got attached to HAL for a while, until my brain could calm down! That's pretty much what's happening, it comes full circle!! Well, of course, it's 12th grade!! Must say, out of all the years in school, I can finally conclude that this year was one of my least favourites!! This whole year was just stress and dissociation!! I genuinely can't tell you what happened this year, because I still feel like it's September!! I don't feel anything!!
On a lighter note though, things are finally coming to an end!! I will never need to go to school anymore (I know, I'll have to go to university, but whatever)!! I can finally leave everyone from school behind and never see them again!! I can finally relax this summer without thinking anything, and having my mind free of any worry!!
All I have to do, is wait a little more!! After that, it's over!! Just a few weeks, and then I can finally rest!! Well, the final relief will be in July, when everything will become clear, but for now, it's just a few weeks!! I can do this!! I feel hopeful!!
- Creator
TW: Angry Rant and mentions of sewer slide!!
Hey!! I'm back earlier today!! Thank goodness history was easy!! I mean I kinda expected it to be easy, but I'm still glad!! Now there's only chemistry left, and I am done with the exams for now!! I'll just have to finish with these and the Panhellenics, and I'm done, yaa-!!
Wait wait wait wait!!
Hm, what is it??
Aren't you writing the Panhellenics right now??
Well, no, actually those are the graduation exams!! I'm writing them because I need to graduate!!
Then what are the Panhellenics??
The Panhellenics are basically exams that allow you to go to university-!! No wait, scratch that, they tell both if you're going to go to university AT ALL, and WHAT university you're going to!!
So you're giving exams two times??
That's 12th grade in Greece for you baby!! Why make life easy when you can just make thousands of high schoolers wanna kill themselves?? Trust me, I'm pretty sure that if The Biggest Most Awful Most Tragic Event In Human History™ was taking place irl, I'm pretty sure that it would be from 12th graders who had enough of this bs and freaking EXPLODED from the stress!! But I can't say for sure...
Also don't worry, Panhellenics are not mandatory!! I mean you can always go ahead and stay unemployed!! :)
So first of all, the update!! Do you remember me writing that I thought that I might have BPD?? Well turns out that it was cPTSD!! It's just that I really have a bad time regulating my emotions and I have that unstable sense of self, so I thought of that, but turns out that both disorders share them!! I mean I got diagnosed with PTSD, but we had to figure out if it's PTSD or cPTSD!! And from this and the new memories (that I now forgot again) and stuff, it's now clear that it's cPTSD!! And that's why folks you don't self diagnose (not that I did that, I said "I THINK that I MIGHT have it, I wanna discuss it with my therapist")!! I might kinda be against self diagnosis, but I'm actually full supportive of what I like to call "self evaluation"!! Which is basically "hey, I think that I have {x thing} because I show some symptoms of it, but I'm not gonna say "omg I DEFINITELY have it" and instead I'm gonna discuss it with a therapist to see what's going on"!! Not that you can always do that, but I think that it's much better!!
So yeah, cPTSD!! The thing is that my therapist also said that I bury my emotions and that's why P is like that!! So if I wanna help P, I have to connect with my emotions and start identifying them!!
Now, I personally love P!! He is so nice and tries to do his best despite the fact that everyday is a constant state of suffering for him, to the point that he can barely function like a human being!! I want to see him become happy, and I want the best for him!! But this one gets a big fat NO!! I REFUSE to do that!! And that's because P is basically my whole trauma and cPTSD in one person!! He knows stuff, he remembers trauma that I don't!! He literally is a machine that's been overworking and all the screws are loose, that thing is obviously gonna explode!! It's like you put your hand in fire and you wonder why it got burned!! Well I wonder why...
Also these days he's unreasonably angry and lashes to everyone!! I'm sorry but I'd rather not deal with this pound of uranium!! Oh, but you could have been nicer!! Oh really?? In that case why don't YOU go talk to that cluster of mental illnesses?? If it's THAT easy for you!! Go ahead, I'll wait!!
Also I can't tell though why my brain just decided to dump everything to him and not Miss Wannabe!! I mean, that's LITERALLY WHY I MADE HER, TO SUPPRESS EVERYTHING!! Why P, idk, idc, I'm not in charge of my brain anymore, I just sit here and do stuff!! No really though, where do you think all of this *points at myself* comes from?? All this happiness and cheerfulness, where do you think it comes from?? Because I BURIED EVERYTHING!! I just built my entire personality on supressing and everything from my Taka phase, so if you take one of these off, the whole thing FREAKING COLLAPSES!! I feel like a person for once, with a nice personality, I am NOT going to let this happen!! I'm going to keep doing this until the day I die!! Therefore SORRY P, BUT YOU'RE NOW ON YOUR OWN!!
Hey... So... Hey!!
So as you know, I wrote yesterday about my therapist and my psychiatrist that suspect that I have psychosis... I am not happy with this AT ALL tbh!!
I'm gonna be honest and say: I partially wanna lie!! I wanna lie to my therapist, and say "Oh I'm actually fine, everything's great, let's please not look further into this"!! But I KNOW that I have to say the truth, because not only it's the right thing to do (and because Kuro told me "Hun, we're SO CLOSE, you NEED to say the truth, we're almost there, don't do this!!), but because something is about to happen and I can FEEL it!! I CAN FEEL IT!! Yes, the dissociation has stopped now, but now what I have is UNREASONABLE RAGE!! This has to be the first time where I log into Neocities and I get UNREASONABLY ANGRY with everyone!! For NO reason!! In general, things have been happening, and I feel like it's my brain telling me that soon I'll get an episode, so it's entirely in my hands to do something about it, so I HAVE to say the truth!! I NEED to say the truth!!
Tbh... I feel scared!! Like... REALLY scared!! I don't know what's happening to me, and that makes me scared!! I feel like I'm turning insane!! I don't know how I can handle this...
The good thing is that I'm not diagnosed yet, so I genuinely hope that it's something else!! Literally give me anything else, except psychosis!! Now, as you can see, I have a pattern similar to when I said that I was going through an OCD diagnosis!!.And what happened that time?? I got diagnosed with PTSD!! Am I really doing the same thing hoping that I'll get the same result?? YES!! ABSOLUTELY!!
But PTSD is worse than OCD why would you wanna get diagnosed with something worse??
Trust me, I don't think that it can get any worse, I mean, to me, I already have the "worst" mental illness, it can't get any worse!! That's what also I thought last time, but at this point, I don't care!! I hope that it's anything else but that!! Not psychosis, not schizophrenia, nothing like that!! Because idk if I can handle it...
Oh god, please, don't do this to me!!
- Miss Wannabe
You know... I really try not to have public outbursts and I try not to write entries while in the wrong headspace... B-!!
...
...
I just got an emergency notification on my phone about dangerous storms upcoming in the next 24 hours... Needless to say I am now terrified, the little mental stability I had for this entry is now gone, and my anxiety skyrocketed because I have physics exams the next day, because god forbid I actually have any sort of break these days!! Nah, we just have to keep puking and lose sleep from stress, god forbid I relax!!
Anyway, I'll try to keep writing: I try not to write whilst in the wrong headspace, but life is just keep acting like it wants me to have a public mental breakdown!! So I'll have a public mental breakdown!!
Next week there's this graduation party going on at school, and I so DO NOT wanna go!! I do not want to see my classmates ever again, even if you paid me!! Everyone can go straight to hell, I never wanna see anyone ever again!! I do not wanna sit there alone with nothing to do for gpd knows how long!! And I DEFINITELY do not wanna see a bunch of assholes who just stabbed me in the back!! I'm so not in the mood of hearing "oh, you should make some friends"!! Like, fuck you!!
I swear, if any of them start the "I wanna be your friend" bullshit, I'm just gonna tell them this:
PLEASE GO FUCK YOURSELF!!
I won't even try to be nice to them, not anymore!! Because I WASTED A WHOLE YEAR trying to befriend those fucks, only for one day for them to... Stop talking to me!! Okay dude, you must think that what you're doing is a big dick move there, alright!!
I'm cutting all contacts with them, I hate them so much!! I hate this town in general!! I remember not liking this place when we first came here, and my parents said: "It's just because you're not used to it yet, you'll like it eventually!!" It's been six years, and I have reached the point where I don't wanna leave my house, unless it involves school or going in another city!! I fucking hate this place so much!! Trust me, no matter how much I love my room and my house, I can definitely say that when I'll move out, I'll never come here ever again!! Perhaps for Christmas and Easter, but that was it!! I hate this place, I just do!!
On a lighter note, I told my dad about that graduation party, and he seemed pretty okay with the idea of me just not going, and I'm really grateful for that!! In general he has been really nice to me these days... Perhaps it's because of Panhellenics, but I'm still grateful!! I feel kinda bad though that I didn't go buy that sweet yesterday for him, because it was his birthday, but I was just so not in the mood so mom bought it in the end instead...
Also when my dad wanted to pay my physics teacher for the private lessons, but he refused, and he said he only wants me to write well tomorrow... On one hand that was really nice, I really want tomorrow to come so that I'll finally be done with this hell that is the Panhellenic exams, but on the other hand, I haven't studied anything physics related the whole year so I really feel like I'm gonna let him down and I don't want that!! I will try to study again when I'll finish this entry, because I wanna try to at least be decent tomorrow...
- Creator
Oooohhh, line 333!! I see a lot of angel numbers these days... Also... Oooohhh, it's 13!! Yaaayyy!! I missed it being 13 and just go crazy over some number with people being confused in the background, lol!!
But anyway!! Today, we have gathered here to do something!! Something so much requested by me, my paras, me, me, me, and my sister who just wants to see wth I'm gonna write, that we cannot hold it anymore!! Ladies and gentlemen... Today we are spilling irl tea!! *audience cheers*
So basically, today we are gonna talk about HER!! Also known as Pizza Girl, a name that shouldn't be used for someone like her, and also known from now on as a slutty bitch!! Yes it's mean, no I'm not gonna change it!!
So who is this cunt?? Well, you may actually be surprised, but she actually was a person that was with me and my sister since 8th grade!! Soo... 5 years with her!! Idk how we survived, but we did!! But Miss Wannabe... How come we never heard of her?? Well my dear friend the answer is simple: I COULDN'T CARE LESS!! Exactly, I couldn't care less about her existence that I just... Didn't write about her!! I don't see the point in wasting my time making myself feel bad, so I just never mentioned her!! Neither I told her about the website (best decision ever btw)!! That's why I don't say much about my life irl!! Because it's boring and I do not care!! So I don't write about it!!
So, let's start with the basics: Why are you suddenly interested in writing this?? Well last year she got into an argument with a person that I'm gonna call O (another person that I know since... I can't remember the grade,but around that time as well!!), and my sister!! Things were said, blocks were done, all that jazz!! But now, this got stirred back up when she texted me at... the night of 14/5 (and didn't bother to tell me a fucking happy birthday and only whined like a 5 y/o), and she said some heavy stuff about O, so I imformed both my sister and them, and they wanted an explanation to this!! So a month passed, exams happened, and everything just... happened yesterday?? Like oh wow, that was fast!! So now that we, what I like to believe, cut ties with her, I can now do what I want!! Because while she spreads around rumours that are untrue to people irl (oh it's so safe when you move to a different town, isn't it), I slander her in my website, for my mutuals to see!! Is this wrong?? Maybe, maybe it is!! But I asked people about this, O included, and they didn't have a problem with it, so I guess it's fine!!
Anyway, let's start with something that really bothered me when she texted me back in May!! She REALLY wanted to talk about O, that she deadass pretended that she cared about me, and asked what happened to me, I asked "these days or in general??" and because she realised that I would speak and take her oh so precious time, so she just "nah homie, we'll talk about you when we meet"!! First of all... How family works!! I have a sister!! That means we have the same parents!! After all that, my sister told mom about it!! That means, no, I can't hang around with you just like that!! Though I don't see us hanging out after that, lol!!
And second... We must understand the basic core of communication here!! So it goes like this: There are two roles, transmitter and receiver!! The transmitter gives the message, and the receiver takes the message!! In dialogue, these roles are used interchangeably, someone becomes the transmitter, then the receiver, then the transmitter and so on!! In monologue, the transmitter just transmitts and the receiver just receives!! .... I'm gonna give you ten seconds to figure out what I'm trying to say here!!
Exactly!! She just talks about her, and doesn't let anyone else say anything!! And most of the time she just whines for the most stupid stuff out there!! Girl, you may not know this, but there's something specifically built for this kind of things, and it's called a journal!! For real, get a journal, jeez!! If you're feeling like attention whoring like me get a blog!! There are ways trust me, just stfu and let the rest of us speak!!
But let's talk about something else!! Anime!! So I mostly don't care if you like anime, I mean I watch some too, so you know, I have no problem!! The problem is... If you keep talking about what anime you started, what anime you finished, and whatever the fuck, that's when it gets ANNOYING!! Also let's not talk about her music tastes!! Oh god!! Dude, literally put lolicore on YouTube, that shit is more bearable than whatever the fuck she hears!! It's literally the most weebiest of shit, god!! And she makes sure it's fucking making you deaf too!! Like... There was this one time she was blasting awful sad songs, and my and my sister both were like "yeah, no, it upsets us" and she just started bitching about how she's sad too and other bullshit!! Also at one point it triggered an unwanted Maladaptive Daydreaming episode I had to go into my room to stop it, and you could still hear this shit, that's how loud it was!! In MY house!! Yeah fuck it, I'll go rewire my brain, sure, brb!!
So what else do we have about this cunt?? Well, why are you keep calling her things like that?? Well my friend, the answer is one!! Because she herself does this shit!! So, I remember seeing Heart's about page, and I remember them saying how they don't like self deprecating jokes!! I didn't understand at the time, because imma be real here, sometimes I make those jokes too!! But looking back at all this, she definitely is the embodiment of that!! So if you keep calling yourself a whore, that's what I'm gonna call you as well!! You started this reputation, I may as well let you bathe in it!! I really believe that people should come prepackaged with a dose of respect, but at the same time, if they do shit like this, I may as well throw it away!!
Let's also state the fact that she always victim blames and manipulates people!! I've heard from my sister that she tried to fake cry or sometimes scream at her and O, and honestly, idk about you, but to me that shit's triggering!! Now that I think of it, the whole thing basically was O putting boundaries on her, and her bitching about it!! I mean yes, suicide baiting, victim blaming and manipulating isn't something that O would wanna hear either!! And she kept doing that again yesterday, when O texted her, it was the same shit again!! I guess that's why she made the rumours about them!! Which to her is nothing but to O that thing could damage them!! They were really glad I told them which... Of course, whenever you need to, I mean, you're really awesome!!
But Miss Wannabe, that was about them, remember?? Yes, my friend, I remember!! So why did YOU unfriend her?? ....... Well... In the beginning it was just because she was acting like an annoying 5 y/o (trust me, she's not that young, and her personality throughout those 5 years hasn't changed AT ALL!! That's both impressive and scary)!! But then.... Then.... Oh god!!
So as you know, me October, me nightmare, me fucking messed up ever since!! It took me months to process that, and I'm still fighting for that sanity I lost!! Now I told some people about it after some months, because I became overwhelmed with the whole experience!! I remember telling my sister while stuttering and then crying, oh god, that was really intense!! But after a while I decided to make it more jokey and lighthearted because otherwise I would cry everytime!! And somehow I told her, can't remember why... AND SHE JUST LAUGHED ABOUT IT!! WHAT A BITCH!! And I don't mean in the same way as me, I mean it in the "oh you saw a wet dream, lmao"!! Do I look like I'm laughing?? DO I LOOK, LIKE I'M LAUGHING?? DOES THIS LOOK FUNNY TO YOU?? But yeah, fuck it, only got diagnosed with PTSD a year later, yeah, lmao bro!! Now some say that I should tell her that I have PTSD and my answer to that is... NO!! If you can't be decent to me without knowing, then you don't deserve to know about my diagnosis!! Simple as that!!
Also... The thing that topped it all was when she made a sexual comment to this!! How old does this look to you?? Maybe... Idk... But it looks kinda... Wrong?? To make sexual comments at?? But maybe I'm just losing it, maybe the guy is in his 50s or something, fuck it!!
That's why I wanted to make this!! Because this bitch is nothing but pure anger for me!! Since then I started to fucking hate her!! Let me tell you, she deserves to be called a stupid cunt, she deserves me writing this, she deserves everything!! If this is how someone acts, they deserve it!! I don't CARE if she comes back begging, I'm never forgiving her!! Btw, good luck with that, I'm blocking you in two days!! The only reason that I haven't done that yet, is because if she sends me a message, my sister wants to talk to her, and I want to be the same day as my Instagram deletion!! So good luck bitch, cry harder, hope you boil in hell!!
- Creator
Update: So as everyone expected, she texted me and I did what I said, and I gave my phone to my sister!! She realised that no way in hell is she ever gonna learn, so she gave it to me and I did what's best!! I pressed the block button and ended it there!! Goodbye bitch you won't be missed!!
So... let's talk about yesterday!! A lot of things happened yesterday!!
So basically I had to go to school one last time because of graduation!! I obviously didn't wanna go, but I went because I had to!! So I went, took what I had to take and left!! I didn't stay for the party because I would sit in the corner alone anyway!! I mean, everything looked so nice... Just not for me!!
When I got out, I started crying!! Trust me, the realisation of wasting 9 months of your life trying to befriend people and the result is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, hurts a lot!!
Walking back home was awful!! Idk if I ever felt any worse!! I just couldn't see a matter to anything, I couldn't feel like it wouldn't get better, and in general, I felt awful!! It was the pinnacle of hopelessness!!
As soon I went home, I opened my phone and I just opened Instagram!! I said I wanted to delete it!! But before that, I wanted to delete my posts, change the name, bio and all that, and get rid of (almost) all my followers!! But before I could do anything, I saw that X1 had made a group chat with me and my sister (because we're both friends with her) and all she did was text a "hi, how are you??"!!
I literally started crying again!! This time because someone cared for me, and showed interest in me!! Idk how you would feel in that situation, but I personally felt like someone cared for me more than anyone those past 9 months!! We kept talking, and I cried again for a little while because I felt like someone was willing to sit down and listen to me!! That just meant so much to me!! The reason why I started crying, is the same reason why I haven't talked to my psychiatrist again about a diagnosis, and is the same reason why I keep getting suprised when someone follows me here and I keep asking "Be honest guys, why do you follow me??"!!
Because my brain has convinced me that I'm the peak of annoyance!! It has convinced me that everything I do and everything I say wastes someone's time!! Like I could just be dying right now and refuse to call an ambulance because I would think "nah, it's not a heart attack, it's something else, I'm just exaggerating, I don't wanna waste people's time"!! So when someone shows me the most basic of human decency, I go "oh wow"!!
On a lighter note though, that conversation with X1 made me feel so good!! I learnt that she will come here this weekend, and I'm so happy!! Also, my sister has been looking up random recipes and yesterday she made tacos, and they were REALLY GOOD!! I liked them!!
Also I haven't checked Asobu's Taka x Byakuya mangas she made in the past for a while, and I forgot how memeable they are!! In general, Asobu is really memeable and I think she knows it!! In the beginning I just wanted her skills, but after... THOSE mangas, my life goal is to meme on her!! You made problematic mangas, I shall meme you forever!! That's why you should be careful kids, because one day, some Greek degenerate with a Taka obsession that is beyond saving at this point, could find your art and freaking blast it for the whole world to see!! Be careful guys, be careful!!
Also, irrelevant, I decided to listen to some extratone yesterday, and I remember seeing a bunch of people talking about the Uranoid song saying "if you want real extratone, check out USB (something) by Kobaryo"/"check out Web (something) by Kobaryo"/"Windows 100000 by Kobaryo"!! Must say, I didn't know that Kobaryo makes extratone as well, because I've heard mostly his speedcore songs, so I decided to check those listed as well!! Well after that, I must say, Kobaryo is definitely something else!! He made extratone dound good!! Like... I'm actually impressed!! I've only heard Uranoid so I was like "no way extratone cannot sound good"!! But oh my god!! It actually does!! Also people said that Kobaryo is more aggressive... BUT I BEG TO DIFFER!! Compared to Uranoid, his songs are more calm!! In general, seeing him make something more calm is kinda... Idk how to express it!!
But anyway, that's all there is for now, so I wanna give some prompts as well because stealing is my passion!! But before that, instead of just writing "thoughts on the entry??" everytime, I'm just gonna say that I'm open to reaction/answering entries anytime, just in case you wanna know if you can do it or not!! I also say this because I like attention please give me attention, aaa-!! Anyway, prompts: what is your favourite music genre?? is there anything new you tried these days that turns out it's actually better than what you believed?? If you checked out the songs mentioned (and your ears are still working), any thoughts?? I'm also really open for conversations anytime, is there anything you wanna tell me?? And lastly... I really wanna make that face reveal stream when I'll get a computer (oh... oh no, I told them that I'm updating the whole site through a phone, oh no, oh, AAAHH-) but I can't decide between reacting to everything I wrote on this site and that one Asobu manga!! The problem with the first option is that there's too much stuff, and idk if I can cover it all!! The manga though is kinda... incest-y?? Not the "the creator knows that this is wrong" type, but rather the "the creator ships this" type?? So yeah?? I mean I wanna do both, but idk if everyone can in two streams?? I want this to be answered by everyone btw, because the stream is for you guys, I need to know what to do!!
But that was it from me, hope you are all having a great day!!
- Creator
So uhm... I just need to say some things...
So these days I wanted to go to the psychiatrist to confirm some stuff about Kuro and Professor... And it turns out... I just really hate myself!! Like, REALLY hate myself!! Well oof!!
So basically, they exist because I separated myself into parts because I just hate some parts of, well, me!! That combined with my Maladaptive Daydreaming, and here we are!!
I honestly don't know how to feel about this... He said that I must integrate these parts into one, because, well... They are me!! But idk how possible that is though, because I'm gonna be honest, you don't wanna touch Professor, even with a 10 foot pole!! Like, you seriously ain't messing with that!! (Fr though, getting cornered and being yelled by him, because he's your whole anger bottled in one person... Idk how much you wanna touch that!!)
I mean I kinda knew since I've made this website that my whole personality is fake, but for some reason it now feels real!! Like, I literally cannot see Professor, or Kuro, as me, they just aren't!!
Some will argue that I have DID... I mean... parts, integration... But I'm gonna pretend like that isn't the case!! Like sure, even if you can make it sound like that, I still refuse... I refuse to claim anything, even if the whole world believes it!! If a professional doesn't state so, I'll just sit there, and pretend like the problem doesn't exist, and I'm just being weird... So even if someone goes like "dude, that's DID!!" I'm not gonna believe ya!! Sorry!! You can call it denial, but I'm just really against self diagnosis!!
What I loved though is that my psychiatrist told me that I don't have to constantly explain myself, and that nobody will judge me... Which I really needed to hear, because I keep believing that the whole world is just trying to find opportunities to make fun of me, and because of that, I constantly try to explain everything that I do... I really needed to hear that!!
Gonna blame mom for it!! Professor told me that she constantly tries to make fun of me... I didn't believe him though, but I later caught myself constantly avoiding her... So I guess that he's right!!
Well, idk how I can integrate all my parts into one, but I guess letting them talk in here could be a start!! So I'll just try to make them feel more welcomed, so that I can move into the next step, whatever that step is... We'll see about that later...
Also turns out that the hallucinations are stress induced!! Good to know!! At least that explains things!! Anyway, that's all for now, not anything else to say, just an update on the whole situation...
- Miss Wannabe
So uuuuuhhh... I'm just gonna... talk about agere, the whole integration thing and other stuff, because why not??
So basically, I was thinking about an "exercise" that me and the other parts of me could do... It's just that basically, my comfort character has a neutral expression!! But sometimes, I don't see him as such!! I see him calm, I see him angry, I see him as many different things!! That's because I'm projecting my emotions to him!! So I thought if the others would be interested in doing it!! I feel that it could help with identifying emotions, and to people like me and Professor (aka "emotions are for the weak" people) that would be really helpful!!
But there is one problem though... I don't know where I should let them write those things!! Here?? I partially wanna let them write them here, because idk where else I can do that, but... Isn't that stuff kinda... sensitive?? I'm not saying I don't trust this place, it's that... should it be here?? It's like my trauma, it's not that I don't trust you, it's just that... should I write it?? I also don't wanna be seen as an attention whore tbh, I don't want to be seen like "boohoo, muh trauma bad, do you feel bad for me yet??" I mean... some people here vent freely, so I guess it's fine?? Hmmm... Maybe it should be a txt file instead of an html one?? To be less "attention grabbing" I guess?? Idk... We'll see...
Anyway, today I was again with X1, and at one point, we were all just laying in the bed... And I think that I kinda regressed, must say, it really felt nice!! I say that because my regression is either due to feeling safe, or feeling REALLY unsafe!! So regressing for once to something that isn't emotional flashbacks feels so good!! Must say I later went and bought a fizzy drink that was kinda the shape of a baby bottle so I took it, so that I could later regress completely when I was alone... Also quick review, it's not as "intense" as drinking something like Fanta or Coca-Cola, but its flavor is more subtle, and child things tend to have a more mild taste so I guess it adds to the atmosphere, I'll say 7/10!! I really wanna buy one of those lolipops that are like pacis, because I feel like they would help a lot!! Yes, sure, I have one already, but when I'm anxious, I tend to bite it, and I'm kinda afraid that I'll break it... So yeah!!
Speaking of that, that's also another reason why I'm kinda hesitant to let the others write some things here... I mean, some parts are like "so I cope like this and I hate it"!! I literally cannot describe the amount of RAGE Professor felt when he was like "why am I like this??" and I just told him that it's a coping mechanism... Yeah, like, A LOT OF RAGE!! Oh yeah btw, how do you make an unconscious trauma mechanism go away for ever?? That's him asking btw!! Like, sure, I get it, showing any kind of a basic human need is seen as a weakness and omg it's super embarrassing and humiliating and holy shit I'm so weak for having basic human necessities that need to be fulfilled, but like... Just accept it, that's just how it is!! It's not changing!!
I can't force him though, because right now I'm building trust!! cPTSD comes with A LOT of distrust towards everyone and everything, so Professor being a breathing and walking embodiment of cPTSD doesn't allow me to be like that!! He's really wounded so I should just make him trust me for now!! Because if I fuck it up, he is NOT willing to give me any other chance, and just won't even bother looking at me!! So I have to do it right!!
That's just it, for now, nothing much, just a few thoughts about things... I really should decide though where I should let my parts write their feelings... Idk, if anyone has any ideas, please let me know, I need some advice on this one!!
- Miss Wannabe
I should probably put a TW... But I'm too unmotivated to do it... So TW and stuff...
So the results came in... I swear, it probably has to be the most horrendous thing I've ever heard... Yeah, I failed, otherwise I wouldn't come here putting TWs and shit...
So because of that... I give up!! I'm sorry, but I just give up!! I'm sorry to all the people that I might hurt with this, but I give up!! There's no point to this, there's no meaning to any of this!! Life has no meaning for me!! If it did, I wouldn't try to kill myself when I was just 7... It doesn't matter, nothing matters... I can't believe that I did all of this in the first place!! Did I really buy that?? Can't believe it!! Can't believe I wasted a whole year on something like that!!
It's just... It's just January of 2021 again!! I'm suicidal, and I make a website to document my life before death!! I pretend to be fine, so that it looks like it came out of nowhere!! That's just how it is, it's all coming full circle!!
Professor was right!! I was right!! What's the point?? Of course we're right, we're always right!! That's just how it is!! I can't believe it...
....
My original plan was to kill myself on impulse the same night the results would be announced... But I don't wanna do that!! Not now!! I now wanna see X1, X2, A and V again, for one last time!! Talk to them, have some fun, all that!! Just for this summer... So I rescheduled it to the end of summer!! I didn't want to die on Taka's birthday though, so now it's on September 1st!!
That was it!! This is the last summer for me!! After that it's all gone... So yeah... I'm just gonna trying to do more stuff this summer, I mean no college, no school, last summer of my life... I wanna do everything I want to!! Leave nothing undone!!
So thank you!! Thank you for being with me, and thank you for the now 93 followers!! I love you!! I'm sorry if that kinda hurts you, but there's no way out!! Let's spend my last summer together, shall we??
Now if you excuse me, I wanna cry in bed for the rest of the day... Thanks!!
- Creator
Phew!! After that one week with Professor, I must say, things have gotten a lot better!! I feel kinda glad for that, ngl!!
Anyway, I'm not here for that, I actually wanna say something more... More something, idk!! So basically, since yesterday evening, I am unable to view my feed!! Or the activity page!! Or my profile!! Or anyone's profile really!! Even right now, I still can't do that, and I only see an error page!! Luckily I can still do everything else like seeing and editing my website, seeing other websites, all that!! Which, thank god because otherwise I would FREAK OUT!! Not because "omg, I'm an internet addict, I can't live without muh internet!!" but because let's say, you believe that having a website here is a given!! Well I personally don't!!
I think that Professor's week offline idea kinda helped, because I'm more used to being offline now!! Which is good!! I really have the urge to make paper dolls, draw and all that!! Comfort character paperdoll, I'm coming for you!!
But anyway, I also wanna add something more!! I tried to see if it's just my problem but all the devices had the same problem!! So I like to believe that you might experience it too!! In that case though, idk if writing this does much because none will see it... But still, if it's a me thing, I just want you to know that hey, something is happening rn!! The problem is that I cannot look at the comments this time because... well, I can't look at the profiles, lol!! So idk, maybe the hangout chat??
I just imagined all if us trying to communicate through guestbooks and responding to entries in our journals, lmao!! (Omg, preresent knew!! He was ahead of his time!! He knew that this is how we'll communicate from now on!!)
But yeah... This?? Just wanted to let you know if you can somehow see this?? Idk what else I should say, maybe... Write 💖✨🎂 in the hangout chat if you see this?? Idk... Anyway, yeah, that's that!!
- Miss Sunshine
Update: Yeah, I decided to look a bit more into it, and ut seems like everyone has this problem!! What's worse is that contacting support doesn't work either because it shows an error page when you click "send"!! Well, oof!! Good thing is that it's not THE WHOLE THING down, so I guess that for now we'll just have to wait!!
TW: Sui//ide mentions and just a long entry talking about periods!! I don't believe that this should be tagged, but I also don't wanna trigger anyone's dysphoria!! With that being said:
I know that it's kinda ironic saying that I feel better and then make a vent entry, but I PROMISE, good things have happened these days, I PROMISE, next entry will be about that, I PROMISE!!
Anyway, again, I'm not gonna self diagnose, this is all speculation, but... I personally believe that there is a VERY HIGH CHANCE that I might have PMDD!! Because I'm just reflecting back in random moments of my life and I just... realise that some stuff around my period phase are... apparently NOT normal!!
I remember back in the day seriously asking myself if I was bipolar or if I had BPD!! Because to many people, their periods come with a little mood swing!! To me, it's like I'm having a mixed bipolar episode!! That's why I started therapy to be honest!! Then I stopped for a while, and then started again because Kuro dragged us all back!!
But with therapy and stuff I dropped the theory!! There's no way I have episodes every single time I have my period!! Besides, mom said that with period everyone becomes a little moody!! So I just thought of that, I'm just a little more moody that average, that's all!! I really thought that it was just PMS, something that everyone has!! I mean, the physical symptoms are the same and it has mood swings too!! The problem is... I don't consider my mood swings "normal" anymore!! Because being angry to the point of getting physical, being anxious to the point you feel constantly on edge with every sense being to the max, and feeling depressed to the point you wanna die... Stops being "normal"!!
Speaking of death... Looking back at it, it suddenly makes sense!! I have tried MULTIPLE times to overdose on painkillers taking double and triple the dose!! I went to the hospital once, but nothing really happened because let's say, that was a really shitty suicide attempt!! Even that, I dismissed it as "that's just how it is"!! Well at this point, I don't think that THIS is any short of "okay"!!
I have just reached the point of BEGGING for my period to start as early as possible, so that I wouldn't have to suffer anymore!! I couldn't handle it, I just wanted to be over with it!! Because when my period starts, from the 3rd day onwards, I feel great!! All of this just stops!! I just wanted it to stop!!
There have been also multiple times when I just seriously considered just REMOVING the entire thing when I moved out because... If this is how period is, then I don't want it!! I don't want to start suffering TWO WEEKS before my actual period starts!! I'm just not going to suffer for this!! Though right now, I mostly consider taking the pill because if it's PMDD, many have said that it helps a lot!! And even if it ISN'T, I believe that it would certainly help with whatever the hell is going on!!
Even... The nightmare!! The fucking nightmare, I keep talking about!! It always, ALWAYS was around that time!! ALWAYS!! Sushi Day!! AROUND THAT TIME!! I just got traumatised because my brain to just LMAO at me!! FUCK YOU!! EVEN AFTER THAT, I didn't tell my therapist!! Because that's just how it is!! That's "normal"!! I remember being at school and genuinely believing that my classmates could just hide their suffering really well!! I felt like I had a problem!! Because while they were fine, I would just ask myself what is wrong with me!! Well, after all this, I REFUSE to believe that this is ANY SORT OF "NORMAL"!! Even a few days ago, I so lost it, I considered running away from my house!! This isn't okay!! It will never be!!
And honestly?? I'M SCARED!! I'm REALLY scared!! The reason why I'm saying this is because I feel like my period is coming, and I feel like I'm gonna go berserk!! I'm fucking scared!! I'M REALLY SCARED!!
The thing is that I have to track my emotions and symptoms throughout two periods, because from what I understood, it's pretty important in the process of a diagnosis!! I need to write everything down!! That way I can talk about it when summer ends!! I swear, next September I'm just gonna be different!! No hiding stuff, no being vague, just STRAIGHT TO THE POINT!! I don't like how every other issue not yet identified becomes crippling during summer, but I guess it's time to track everything down!!
But I gotta ask: How is time before and during periods for you?? I need to know!! I REALLY need to know!! Because who knows, I could be exaggerating right now!! I need to listen to more people so that I can decide on what to do next!! So please: What exactly are you experiencing before and during your period?? I genuinely need to know!!
- Miss Sunshine
OMG, GUUUUYYYYYSSS, LOOK AT THE DAAAAATEEEEE!! It's officially 13/7, aka Taka Day!! YEEEESSSS!! We've officially reached two whole years in my Taka phase!! Like, we're almost reaching my Cat Noir phase in duration, no joke!! (Yeah, 12-14 year old me really liked Cat Noir!!) Though I personally think that because of things such as Neocities, the things that have happened in those two years, and other stuff, I highly doubt that my Taka obsession is not gonna end any time soon!! I swear, this guy is gonna follow me in my grave!!
I really believe that this guy has been around for so long, he's not gonna go anywhere now!! I'm just gonna be like this forever!! Well, not that I haven't changed in those two years though!! (Do you know how badly I wanna delete my old diary because I'm cringing so I hard, I might explode??)
I mean, the whole PROCESS that was made in those two years!! I swear to god, without Taka I wouldn't go in therapy and literally NOTHING that you see right now would be the same!! Hell, I believe that I wouldn't make this website at all!! And even if I did make it, it would be really different!! I would talk differently, I would act differently, everything would be different!! For example, I wouldn't have (!!), which I believe is like my signature at this point!! I wouldn't be more accepting of myself (even if I'm currently going back at doing the opposite again)!!
Overall, I think my current phase has to be my favourite phase of all of them!! These two years I've grown more as a person than all those previous 14 combined!! Sure, 13 year old me is good competition... But still, I believe more happened right now, than when I was 13!!
Ngl, I think that it would be really funny me being in my deathbed at one point and coming here to say "what's up guys, happy 100th Taka Day/anniversary", lol!!
Anyway, that's all, happy Taka Day everyone, hope that you are all doing great, and... uuhhmm... Make Taka proud today!! Yeah!! Make him proud!!
- Miss Sunshine
Whooaaahhh!! Omg, 100 followers!! Thank you all so much!! I love you!! You are all great!! :,)
100 seems so big!! Omg!! That's like 100 being willing to see me and random parts of me being unhinged 24/7!! I kinda love it!! 100 people!! To me that's like being a celebrity at this point!!
Now I know what I said about the reveal, but for now you have to wait!! Because yeah sure milestone, but you all need to get vibe checked first!! Because, sure, we may all forgot that I have more things than cPTSD, but my social anxiety is still T-posing!! Also my period has given me acne, back pain, and I accidentally scratched my face while sleeping, so I need these things to go away first, lmao!!
Also because I ain't getting that laptop... Should I still do that Asobu manga stream, or just make it a video?? Because I wanna do it!! I wanna meme the everloving shit out of it, so I wanna do it!! I wanna shitpost it until it can no more!!
But anyway!! As you know, I'm doing some animation classes right now, and the teacher asked me to do some more edits, gifs and all that!! I would say "oh request stuff!!" but right now scenequeen is doing the same and I don't want to take people from her, so for now, if you have a button, go request to her please!! Also, I believe that a portfolio is more important than a random animation exhibition!! Also nobody knows about this website so I would be like "I only do vague webcore stuff that won't make people suspect that I have a website"!! But yeah, edits!! Must do them!!
But yeah, pretty much this for now, just wanted to talk about what I'm doing, the "100 followers" milestone, all that!! Nothing else really!!
- Miss Sunshine
Like I (or Professor, can't really remember) said, I was gonna make an appreciation entry for behavior!! That sounds extremely random, but I've actually wanted to write this for a while and the only reason I didn't do it yet, is because I want her to see this!! And I didn't see her active these days except yesterday/today so now I'M DOING IT!! No you HAVE to see this, idc, it HAS to appear in your feed!! No complaints!!
Anyway into the entry now: Thanks!! Thank you for existing!! It sounds random, I know, but I'm being genuinely serious!! You know, it's really nice to have you here!! I know it kinda sounds generic, but I mean it!!
The reason why I'm saying this is one: because you are so kind!! You keep supporting me and being nice to everyone, even when you are having a hard time!! And to me, seeing someone going through a rough patch, while trying to lift others up, is the ultimate act of kindness for me!! Idk why, but to me, those two comments (the birthday one and the other one announcing going offline) have stayed with me!! And they will stay forever!! Because again, seeing someone struggling while also supporting others, is the ultimate thing for me!!
Also... This may sound weird, but I look up to you, in a way?? It's just that you make me feel less alone, if that makes sense?? Seeing someone also struggling with cPTSD makes me feel less alone... It's like I'm not the only one!! But it's not just that!! I also see someone who tries to heal!! And first of all, this has to be one GIANT step (because let's be honest, it's not cPTSD without your brain going "btw, you're never going to heal, you're broken forever, there is no point, you're worthless!! Now go ahead and feel empty again!!") but also... It's the fact that you try!! You try to get better, you wanna get better, you want to heal!! And to me, that's amazing!! It motivates me, it makes me feel better, it makes me look up to you!! Because I wanna heal!! I wanna get better!! And someone is already giving me the sign that I can do it!! It makes me really grateful to be honest!! I really believe in you, I really believe that you can do it, I really believe that it can get better!!
And again, because of that... Thank you!! You are awesome, really!! I mean it!! Please keep being awesome!! I really believe in you, because you believe in me!! Keep going!! You are such a kind person!! You honestly deserve the best!!
- Miss Sunshine
OMGGGGGGG!! WHOOOOAAAAHHHH!! I just... I just... I need to say the whole story!!
So basically I was sitting there reading "Everything is fine"... I never read any webtoons in my life and honestly... This one got me hooked, I wanna see how the story progresses (because it's not done yet)!! Also, idk why, but it really hits... It doesn't hit home in the "oh I've lived in these events" way, but rather in the "oh my god, I can feel this emotional state so much and I hate it" way!!
But why have a good time, if it's a good day, it must be ruined!! I hear the doorbell ring two times (... it's not the doorbell... It's that thing that apartment houses have at their entrance, but let's pretend that it was the doorbell)!! Which is my grandpa's signature way of ringing, therefore day ruined!! .... I don't know why I hate him so much, but I do!! Everytime I'm near him, I just get fueled with rage!! Since I was a kid!! This happens with mom as well and I think that the reason is trauma!! And I get more angry at him!! And mom is bad enough, I don't know what this guy did to me!! Like... If I'm MORE angry to you than my own parents, something is wrong!! Just saying!!
So anyway, because of mom's good freaking decision (for real, stop bringing people that only you want here!! The 3 rest of us are not vibing with this guy, just literally go to his house, it's not that far away!!) I just felt awful!! My house just stopped feeling like my house and I swear to god, Professor was so not having, he was just like "I swear, I wanna run away, me and Ruby keep making scenarios about it, I can't take this anymore"!! But because there isn't anywhere to go to, he was just like "I'm just gonna take a big walk, let me out"!! So next thing you know, I was a couple kilometers away from home!!
It started getting hot though, but I just didn't wanna go back!! Luckily mom was like "oh, dad is also outside, you can go meet him" so I decided to do that!! (Thank god he was at a café!!) He was with a friend, so I decided to sit there and stay... Oh my god, better than how I was at home, would do it again!! Ngl, I really wish that everytime that grandpa is at our house, dad is hanging out with someone outside, so that I can have an excuse to leave the house for longer!!
But then it was again time to go, because it was noon so me and dad went to the supermarket... I DON'T KNOW why I keep dissociating so much inside supermarkets, but I do!! Everytime!! And they are not even that big, but I just keep dissociating SO MUCH!! Does anyone experience this?? Please, for real, does anyone experience this?? Like I could go in there for a minute and it just happens, it's like there's a switch in my brain specifically for this!!
But anyway, we bought some stuff, and we go to pay!! Dad told me to just take them out and he will put them inside the bags!! So I do that... And I hear the cashier saying "Hello [name]"!! And I was like WHAT?? How does she know my name?? And why does her voice sound familiar??
So I look up and OH MY GOD, it was one of my two classmates that was doing English lessons with me!! And I'm like "omg, I missed you so much, we haven't seen each since when?? Probably 2020?? It was so fun just talking about things in the classroom"!! For real, I just felt so happy to see her!! I missed her so much, I want to go see her again!! She said that next week is her week off, so idk, we'll see how it goes!! But fr though, I MISSED HER SO MUCH, AAAAHHH!!
- Miss Sunshine
Edit: And V just messaged me, omg!! I love how this day is going!!
Wait... First of all, I need to ask: What is qualified as a bad day?? Because to me, a bad day is feeling like nothing matters, and an awful day is considering ***!! Bad apparently is also when you are just feeling sad... To me that's just a "good day but I'm ruining it by being sad"... It must be because I'm so used to say I'm fine even when I'm not so it just stayed... I guess!!
Whatever, sorry for this depressing intro, it's just that it's been in my mind lately, so just wanted to say it!! Right now I'm feeling much better!! I'm feeling great honestly!! I woke up and just felt good today!! I felt my usual summer mood!! Which pretty much is "I wanna stay awake until 3 AM, go to the beach, blast some loud music and T A K A!!" Idk, that's me every summer in the past 3 years...
Speaking of Taka... Ngl, I am kinda anxious about what will happen when this obsession is over, because I had other obsessions in the past, and when I was over them, I was having "memory resets"... Even now, I can't really tell what I was like when I was 15, because memory reset!! My whole inner being just changes and idk why!!
But anyway, something better to say now!! So mom decided to make us all go... somewhere I forgot the name, for a few days and just go to the beach and have fun... Yay!! I was really wondering why, because we had planned to go to the Dalmatian Coast immediately after that, but I don't mind at all!! I mean, more vacations to me!! And because we got new passports, mom keeps telling me and my sister to go to England, because one of our uncles is there, and again... I don't mind, sounds good to me!!
This is the third time that I'm going somewhere outside of Greece!! The other two were Paris and Barcelona... I swear, I DON'T wanna flex, it's just that I'm really happy and such!! Just... FHFFYYRTDTDFHIGIGT!! I'm just happy!! (I mean, I do believe that I kinda deserve a nice summer after... whatever 12th grade and autumn 2021 was!!) Speaking of that, would you guys want some photos of me vibin?? I really wanted to do that for a while, I did do a face reveal, sparklelollipop already started making it a thing, Instagram... turns out that I'm just not really an Instagram fan, and you guys are just so awesome, I love you so much!! I would say thanks for following me, but I think that the best thing to say is "thanks for staying with me despite going mental at times and being completely incomprehensible"!! I really appreciate that!!
Also... Yesterday I decided to organise the site, and I discovered something called ✨F O L D E R S✨ so I'm just moving stuff and remaking the whole thing... I'm thinking of also redoing some pages like the "Hangout" areas and the vents page entirely... So yeah, expect the site to be a little blank or broken... I WILL fix it... it's just that mom wants me to do some chores, have to pack because we leave tomorrow, I wanna make some banana ice-cream, and my phone doesn't have much battery, so... Sometime in the future!!
But anyway, that was it for now, hope you guys are having a nice day!! :D
- Miss Sunshine
Hello everyone, how are you doing!! I personally just came back from my vacation, so right now I'm kind of tired, so because of that I decided to do this entry with a speech to text... Uh... keyboard I guess?? Because right now I don't have the energy to write but I have more of the energy to just... correct things!! Because let's be real, changing a typo is definitely a lot better than writing the whole sentence!! (Also this is the first time doing it because I mostly have shaky hands and because I don't want to accidentally trigger it I just had it disabled... until today!!)
Anyway anyway, like I said today I came back!! So I'm just going to talk about that!! Like Professor said, we just went to the beach, went for a walk, all that!! I mean that was the whole purpose of the vacation soooo... Yeah!! For lunch we were going to this... Uuuuuhhh... Thing... I can't I can't find a word for it in English but dad said that it's basically a place that was originally meant as a rehab for injured soldiers, but now if you are in the military, you just go there for vacation!! Or just for lunch...
The military is truly something!!
Aside from that we went to a church... Because let's be real, is it really vacation if mom doesn't force you to go to one?? I will admit, it was kind of nice though!! There was this hole in one place that was really tiny, but deep inside of it that was holy water!! I must say, in the beginning I didn't want to go inside, because I thought "I'm not stupid enough to go in some tiny hole for a bit of water" but eventually I went in there three times... It was kind of claustrophobic, but also kinda nice I will admit!! We also went into this village I guess... it was mostly like a tourist attraction but it still kind of looks like a village!! We also played UNO... Dad somehow nailed to win 7 times in a row and I don't know how!!
There was also this train that goes around the town... My mom and my sister didn't really like it, but I personally loved it because it was so C A L M I N G!! That, and the first time we went to the Luna park!! There was this thing called "tornado" and it was basically a roller coaster... Really cool!!
Overall, I will say that I've had fun!! Even though there was this moment that ruined to my mood the first day (basically what Professor said), a few times where Ruby would say some... Interesting stuff to say the least, some identity issues and a little bit of nausea, but aside from that it was really nice!! I liked it!!
But anyway I also found new Taka art!! My first thought was to make memes out of it... It's just that everything Taka related is kinda meme material, it's not my fault!! Though, I really want to do a meme page but it will probably be something that I only laugh at, and me just traumadumping... But I REALLY want to do a meme page!!
I'm debating if I should put my stuff back where they belong, because in 3-4 days we will go to the Dalmaltian coast with X1 so idk if it's worth it... But yeah, anyway, that's all from me for now, see you next time!!
- Miss Sunshine
Warning, I'll talk about sexual stuff and self harm, so if you don't wanna read that, skip this entry!!
So... I was kinda debating if I should write this, but I feel that it's fine, I'm not sharing anything TOO personal, so I guess that I can express myself freely!!
There have been these dreams that I'm having that are actually really sexual in nature!! Nothing too shocking, just me and someone else being nasty!! We all have those!! Be honest, your brain has been a little kinky on you when you sleep!! The problem is... Everytime, that other person... is a woman!!
Now I personally believe that I am your average cishet!! I am not gonna deny the possibility that my brain could also like women and just suppress these feelings because I am living in a Christian LGBTQphobic household and, let's say I do want my ass to avoid getting in trouble!! But for now, I identify as straight!! I was questioning if I was bisexual back in the day, but these dreams are always during a certain time period, so I quickly dropped the idea!! Also, I don't really know if the term bisexual fits me!!
But anyway, I decided to just ignore it, but I saw yet another one of these dreams today, so I decided to sit down and think about it: Why does my brain gives me dreams like these?? Am I secretly bisexual and I just don't want to admit it?? Is my brain just messing with me for the laughs??
What's really interesting is that these days I was also just randomly thinking about the nightmare, and because of that, my brain came up with this question:
"Has the nightmare scarred me so badly that my brain refuses to show me any wet dreams with men in them??"
That... Was not a question for me!! I personally feel like it's been two years, so I just... got over it!! This is a question for Miss Wannabe!! I mean she's literally a part dedicated to this thing, so all I had to do is ask her some things!! Miss Wannabe is also kinda in the same situation: Even though she's straight, if she wouldn't tell you that, you would just believe that she is a lesbian!! She's not!! She's just really hurt and torn apart from this whole experience!!
So I went up to her (obviously at 1 AM) and just decided to talk to her about this!! We had a conversation about this and about the nightmare, and eventually I just asked her "how are you feeling about this??"!! And to that she responded by telling me to put "Hell Sirens" as background music!! So I did exactly that!! When hell sirens started playing, she didn't do anything, she was just standing there!! But when it finally went to the build up point... I probably heard the most hurt and hopeless and devastated scream in my life!! After that she had a small mental breakdown!! And after that, she looked at me and said "I wanna kill myself" "I feel like a hopeless little plaything" "I wanna die"!!
I really don't like that phrase, but I have to agree with Professor on this one!! He said "This girl is fucked in the head" and I honestly have to agree!! I am against using that phrase, but I just have to agree!! Miss Wannabe has expressed the desire to self harm multiple times, I'm kinda afraid that one day I'll wake up with my legs sliced like barcodes, and I'll be able to do absolutely nothing about it!! Even if I have a "summer self harm" rule, I can't tell if she will follow it!! Professor follows it though, so there is some hope out there!!
Ngl, this whole thing made me remember that trauma is not just "woe is me, me bad experience, me can't recover" but more like "I have been SA'd in my dreams for a whole year, so now I'm just gonna change my whole life perception"!! Like, that thing just rewires your whole brain!!
Trauma is so stupid!! It just goes "boo hoo, because I can't get sleep I now have to like women and tear myself in half, boo hoo"!! Like, come on!! Also... How the hell do you all sleep your problems away?? Just how?? My brain just goes "go ahead!! Try to sleep!! You know you're gonna find new ones!! :)" when I attempt to do so!! Either that, or my problems start creeping into my dreams!!
What's funny is that this whole thing isn't even over the real thing!! This whole thing is just... You know what, I'm gonna show you: THIS is the nightmare guy!! Just put some blur on it and make his eyes a "piercing your soul" blue and you got him!! I know my brain did this to hide stuff from me, this isn't the first time my dreams censor themselves!! There have been many dreams where things are just blurred out or things that just transform when I notice them!! Like there was this diary I saw in a dream, and when I picked it up, it transformed into a bible!! Sure, you have religious trauma, but that diary BAD, no, don't look at it!! I SAID DON'T LOOK AT IT!! Show me the diary you censorship fuck!! The nightmare has to be the first time that it combines both blurriness and transforming things into something else, so you KNOW that the REAL high notes will come when the amnesia leaves!! It will be so bad, I'll probably try to kill myself on the spot!! When I'll just write "aaaaa" in my profile... That's how you'll know I remembered!! I don't wanna remember really, but just in case it eventually comes out!!
But anyway, this entry is getting pretty long, so I guess that I should stop here for now!!
- Miss Sunshine
Warning, long entry ranting about my mom like a 5 y/o!!
You know... I really try to be a nice person!! I try to be decent and well mannered!! I try to be polite and respectful!! I try to understand others and be kind!! ... But sometimes people just REALLY like to push my buttons!! So you know what?? Today I'm NOT gonna be nice!! I'm gonna be a total selfish piece of shit!! Because I can, and I'm able to!!
I usually try to avoid discussing my trauma in detail, and I avoid writing things while in an emotionally charged state, not because I don't want to, but because I find it attention whoring and extremely petty!! Good, you whined to some people online!! Do you feel like a big boi now?? Do you feel like oh ny god you did the unbelievable by crying to strangers online?? No, you did nothing, you're being an annoyance!!
But you know, mom keeps making empty threats again, so we may as well do that roasting entry that has been hyped up in my head!! I didn't wanna write this, but if you are being immature, I may as well!!
So mom threatened to send me to a factory again!! The reason?? I forgot to do the laundry!! Well, wow!! But even then, I didn't wanna write this!! I just said whatever to myself!! That was until she said "You are an adult now!!" And that made me realise what an abusive fuck she is!! I want everyone reading this to know that this has been going on for the past 2 years, and in the beginning of 12th grade, she literally said that if I don't study she will stop making me go to school and send me to a factory instead!! That's... That's obviously child abuse!! I didn't realise it then, but that's child abuse!! Even now that I'm writing I'm starting to realise how fucked up that sounds!! To me, the phrase "you're an adult now" stood out to me!! Hearing that made me realise that SHE KNEW what she was saying!! SHE KNEW that this is fucked up!! SHE KNEW that this is child abuse!! She said that she wanted to tell me this for a while!! This is not in the heat of the moment, THIS WAS FUCKING PREMEDITATED!! SHE HAD THIS THOUGHT FOR A WHILE, A WHOLE WHILE TO PROCESS THE THOUGHT AND SEE IF IT'S RIGHT OR WRONG!! All that because I forgot to do the laundry and found me on my phone!!
Very well mom!! In that case let me tell you something: I have been dissociating these days so badly, to the point I am unable to do everyday things!! I currently do not recognise myself in the mirror, I do not recognise people around me, and I DO NOT recognise MY OWN GODDAMN HOUSE!! I really don't feel like I'm in my house right now!! I'm somewhere, but that somewhere is not my house!! I couldn't even recognise this website for a little while!! This blog didn't seem like mine!! I had A LOT of identity changes and identity disturbances, and A LOT of amnesia due to the dissociation!! I literally can't tell you what I did this morning!! Because I can't remember!! But yeah, fuck it, laundry, sure!!
As for the phone... I need people to remember that I fucking hate myself!! I gate every single thing about me, and I hate myself as a whole!! I try my best to just drown every single thought by any means, because I can't handle myself!! I don't like myself, I HATE myself!! I can't stand being around me!! I don't want me to be near me!! So the phone you keep whining about is me trying to drown my thoughts as much as possible!! Do you know why?? Because I hate myself?? Do you know why I hate myself?? Take a guess!! Who do you think is responsible for this??
I really try to follow the summer self harm rule (if you're gonna self harm try not to cut or burn because others will see it), but this bitch really keeps pushing me!! Fuck!! Even now, I realise that the cause of me wanting to kill myself in June was her!! Of course it would be!! If you just keep hearing that if you fail you are a miserable loser that can't be given a second chance for so long, what else are you gonna do?? Throw a goddamn party??
And you know what?? If I'm gonna rant about her, I might as well say everything: So today at 1AM, something broke in the place we keep our plates, so everything just fucking crashed... Trust me, waking up to this was not the best experience!! But dure, whatevs!! Later that day, while I decided to open the washing machine door thing or whatever, it broke as well!! What do you do in this situation?? Do you say "oh dear, that's a pity!! Well, the washing machine is pretty old and that other thing was already kinda broken but didn't see it sooner!! How unfortunate"?? Do you try to think like a logical person!! NO!! FUCKING LET JESUS FIX IT!! I'm not joking, her first reaction was to put holy water on it!! You know... In the beginning I was trying to just potray my mom as a deeply religious person... BUT THIS BITCH IS FUCKING UNHINGED!! I'm not even joking!! She is THAT crazy!! She just keeps pretending like Jesus is her fucking friend that we go visit in the weekends (okay, that's kinda funny considering that she was just forcing us to go to church and be be there for god knows how many hours)!! Like, i don't have a kind way of saying this but mom YOU ARE FUCKING MESSED IN THE HEAD!! Gotta love how she keeps calling ME someone who doesn't have contact with reality, while SHE is the insane one here!! Like every time my brain just decides to K.O. me, she literally just says "drink some holy water, LMAO"!! Let's also mention that she keeps doing that thing to purify the house and keeps sending smoke to my room!! Like, listen, I wanna die too, but inhaling smoke that you keep forcing me to breathe is not the way I want to go!!
Let's also not forget how fucking toxic positive she is!! Like she just keeps telling me to suck it up and be grateful!! Like, emotional neglect is going rampant with this woman!! Do you wanna know something mom?? The fact that you keep making fun of me for being immature, do you know why I'm like this?? Because I have been so severely neglected, that my emotional state was never able to grow!! I am so emotionally immature because of that, it has bled into every aspect of me!! Literally every aspect of me except physical is severely underdeveloped!! EVERYTHING!! I just started this week to try and sculpt myself into a more mentally mature state, and holy shit, I almost got fucking crushed from the weight of everything!! So no, I am not being a little bitch because I want to!! You just never let me fucking breathe!! Fuck!! Why do you think that I have so much fucking anxiety all the time??
Coming back to the beginning, I just love the fact that she said "when we'll come back from the Dalmatian Coast you'll get a job"!! Uuuuuhhh, NO!! After we'll come back, I'll either send myself to England and then come back and try to meet A, OOORRRR I'll drag myself back to therapy and try to put myself in a psych ward!! If I choose the second, I'm thinking of breaking things while screaming like I'm possessed!! Because mom apparently doesn't take mental illnesses seriously and thinks that you must be insane to have one, so I guess doing that will fucking convince her!! Like seriously, do we have to go the CPS and mental hospital route?? Two mutuals have already done this, and I think that we are going to a third, like, is THIS seriously the way?? Do you think that I haven't considered bringing the CPS in the situation?? I did, the only reason why I didn't do anything is because I'm unfortunately 18, so idk if I'm able to do anything!! That's why Professor considers running away as an option!!There is a person in mind!! The only reason why that nothing is happening, is because I'm afraid they'll send me back!! But I don't really think that they are that type of person!! I believe that they would listen first before doing that!!
Preresent said in an entry once that I seem "surprising healthy"!! Well, I think that it's time to respond with this entry and just say... I can see the point of view... But I'll disagree!! It's not that nothing is happening, it's just that I try to be a normal functioning human being (or at least try to look like one) online!! I don't want to drag others down with my attitude!! I don't wanna be annoying!! And I also don't wanna attract a circle of self deprecating people, I want to be surrounded with good and well intentioned people!! I want to cheer others up, not drag them down!! I want to be someone people wanna talk to and just let their frustrations out and overall make them feel better!!
But anyway, this entry is getting pretty long, so I'll guess I'll stop here for now!! Ngl, even though I don't wanna admit it, this really felt so nice to write!! I don't wanna be mean, but I just needed to rant about this!!
- Miss Sunshine
Warning another entry ranting about my mom!!
Dad got tested for COVID, and turns out the results were positive!! Even though the rest of us got tested, me and my sister heard our parents talking about whether or not we should actually go... I really hope that we do, I've been waiting for a while for this!!
Aside from that, I have embarrassing news: I'm starting to realise that I might not be straight... Or cis... So I guess that for now I'm a questioning biflux or heteroflexible... As for the gender identity, I guess I'm a questioning genderfluid or biflux (again)... Embarrassing!! But Miss Sunshine, how is that embarrassing?? It's embarrassing because I cannot be a normal fucking thing for once!! Like, imagine just trying to be normal but life says "No!! Fuck you!! Get an identity that is as stable as water"!! What's really funny is that my whole identity is fluid af, really reflects my life!! Unstable house and relationships due to constant moving, the most disorganised attachments I've seen and emotional instability that I HIGHLY suspect I got from my mom (like, fr, get checked, pls)!!
Now that I mentioned mom again... You know, I was really anti traumadumping yesterday, because most people that I've met and are like that are mostly manipulative people, but I guess I should be a bit more open to that... It's just that due to people constantly using me as a vent bin and constantly manipulating me, I've become a little passive aggressive towards all people who vent frequently in general!! Also I am pretty sure that due to mom's constant toxic positivity, it has been implanted the idea in my head that if I decide to vent about anything, I'm just pathetic!! But since I wrote that other entry, I could see the appeal and the need to do it!! It really makes you feel better afterwards!! So I actually wanna do it a bit more now, not only to let things out, but also to read this again later in therapy, because my memories can be really jumbled sometimes, so if I remember it, I should probably write it!!
There is this one thing that I left out in my previous entry, and that is mom just doesn't give a fuck about us anymore, and is just like "You know what?? No, I am not gonna cook for anyone anymore, fuck this"!! Which I just ignored last time because I was like, eh, it's probably because me and my sister are really picky and make her upset, but this literally the third day in a row that I haven't eaten lunch and I'm just thinking, you know what?? I will include it in this entry!! It is literally the third day of me not eating properly, and holy shit, I'm not having it!! I seriously needed to get angry to start writing at a normal speed, because in the beginning I was so hungry, I couldn't type without zoning out!! Like holy shit, these days my dog regression is going rampant, it's insane!! I feel kinda lightheaded and weak, and I HOPE that I won't collapse, because if I do, there's a chance that we won't be with X1 and I swear I REALLY wanna see her right now!! I just want to talk to a friend and relax my mind a bit!! I have some faith in my body though, because there was this one day that I literally didn't eat anything aside from 5 almonds, and by the end of the day, I was still moving!! So I have some confidence that I can handle it!!
I really need to put something in my mouth though!! I overall have a habit of eating ice and shampoo, and I'm not sure if me not eating well for this long will make my body chug down a whole bottle and possibly die from poisoning, and I honestly don't want to find out!! I was thinking of trying to collect my little energy and make scrambled eggs, but I heard that there's some pasta, so I guess I'll eat that with some yogurt!! I usually don't like this, but I'm really desperate right now, I need to eat!! I'm hungry!!
- Miss Sunshine
Warning discussion of bad eating habits!!
Okay, so, here we are!! I know, I should write my trip to the Dalmaltian coast, but because there have been also other things happening that are... Meh, so I'd thought that I'd rather write them here, so that the other entry can be nicer!! Idk if I also wanna write my first flashback as well and THEN write the traveling entry, or not!! Trust me, these vent entries are just temporarily to just let some negativity out, I promise they'll stop in the near future, I'll be less annoying!!
Anyway, here we go: One of the things that I'd rather write here than the journaling entry, was the night we were about to leave!! We already had to get up early, but my brain decided to wake up EVEN EARLIER so that it can philosophise on life (INFP moment)!! It was around that day that my brain said "yeah, you kinda gay, no offense" and I was just thinking that maybe I just made that up, because "oh, but I wasn't always like that"!! Turns out I was, since I was actually 13!! Damn!! The realisation that my brain just tried to hide my gayness for 5 years and it actually worked is... whoah!! Big shout-out, ngl!! Five whole years!! That's what religious homophobic parents do to you!!
Speaking of that... My brain also decided to remind me how I have two uncles, the one accepting of the LGBT, and the other one being an ally, yet I ended up with the religious abusive homophobic mom!! :) Life be so fair, I started crying at that moment!!
Also kinda irrelevant, I don't know if I should be updating the pronouns in my about me page, because sure, I may go by she/he/they at the moment, but I use he/they only 3% of the time, so is it really worth it?? Like, even if I say "okay guys, rn I use he/him", until someone decides to talk about me, I'll use she/her again!! People are not inside my mind!! I guess I'll should just keep it to she/her?? Idk, aaahh!!
Anyway, back on track with the trip: On our way to Bosnia Herzegovina, I was dissociating SO BAD, I was feeling physically sick!! I genuinely couldn't even keep my eyes open, I literally just laid down and fell asleep, I couldn't do anything else!! Ngl, my identity throughout the trip was changing so much, it's unreal!! I was literally on the bus and just thought "no I'm not Miss Sunshine, I'm actually someone else, this isn't my actual name"!! And then it was like this for half of the trip, and when I came back, I completely forgot everything!! Not only that, but when I came back, I couldn't even recognise my comfort character!! I was just saying "what is that??" over and over again!! I was so confused I even asked my sister, and she was like "the heck??"!! I then proceeded to wake up and find his face covered with paper!! Lmao!!
In general, the dissociation was bad, so I was debating if I should contact my therapist now or later, but I guess that the answer is now because of something that I'll say later, AND THIS FREAKING THING:
So like I said, I have a habit of eating weird things!! I never found it as something to bring up to my therapist because I was like "meh, everyone has a weird habit!! This one is just mine"!! I never gave any thought into it!!
Now, one of the things that I eat is ice!! Ice is hard, transparent, and crunchy when you bite it!! But that's not really something to worry about right?? I mean, where would this thing lead up to??
I want you to name a thing that is hard, transparent, and crunchy when you bite it!! Not a food btw!! Just think of something... Go on... I'll give you a moment...
Did you guess glass?? In that case you are correct, I've attempted to eat glass shards the other day!! And we all know how sharp pointy glass shards and the digestive system go along well!! /s I swear if I don't do something now, one of my problems will just KO me by the end of the year, holy cow!!
So yeah, I need to do something about it, and I need to do it now!! I also need to do it now because in two weeks I'm starting private lessons again, so eh, whatever I needed to do this summer, I did it!! I can now just continue to do what I left for after I'm done relaxing!!
- Miss Sunshine
TW: S/H relapse and overall terrible mental health!!
Hello everyone!! How are you all doing?? Me?? Well... More on that later!! For now, I have to say that it's 13 of the month!! YAAASSS!! Happy 13th of the month everyone!! (I should do this more often...)
How am I?? Well, I guess in an urgent need for a therapist, because holy cow are these days bad!! Not that I feel bad, I actually feel pretty okay, like I can hold on a bit!! *shivers in September 2021* God I never wanna experience that again!! At least it's not THAT!! I feel alright, but these days my mental health is just NOSEDIVING!!
So I had a self harm relapse this morning!! Mom keeps lighting those candles because let's be real, you can't be a normal Christian if you don't show it in some way 24/7!! And that moment I was just feeling... Not great... So I just started burning myself with it!! I shouldn't have done that!! I really shouldn't!! I'm not anxious because it happened, I'm anxious because there's a high chance that it's gonna happen again!! I mean, every five minutes I just kept going in the kitchen to just do it again, because my brain remembered how it felt!! And oh god, I forgot that my brain has a preference of burning of all the types... So I really feel anxious about that!! That it will probably keep going... And I know for a fact that mom won't stop lighting those candles so oof!! I'm kinda anxious of candles now the same way I am of transparent glasses!! My brain will just attempt to eat them... Oh god!!
But later that day, I remembered that mom had cut some bananas and put them in the freezer, so I ate those instead of ice!! I felt happy for a moment, like an idiot because I thought that I could stop eating ice if I trained myself to eat those instead!! *insert laugh track*
Before I was about to write this entry, I went to the bathroom!! And I just can't sit still in there, I mostly just read some bottle label or play around with something that I can reach!! And there were these soap bars that we bought from Montenegro!! So I grabbed them and just read the label and felt the texture... Then I brought them closer to smell them... I started to take chunks off of it and eating them because of course I'm an idiot!! *laugh track* I swear, if I keep doing this I'm gonna go straight to the otherworld!!
Also you know what?? I'm gonna say it!! Miss Wannabe has also been UNREASONABLY aggressive, which is something I'm annoyed of!! Like, girl, we get it, it's this time period when you are not feeling well, but being straight up aggressive is annoying!! Even Professor was more understanding when he was going through a similar phase!! Hun, shut up, you keep yelling 24/7, we get it, you have issues, we get it!!
You know, since last year I was like "can I please go to a mental hospital??" to be honest!! But that was mostly because I was curious of the experience, now I GENUINELY wanna go to a psych ward!! Like, me, Miss Wannabe, and Professor are completely unhinged, just throw us in there until we calm down!!
But this entry is actually for none of that mentioned!! This entry is me wanting to ask something: So I told mom that I wanna go back to therapy and she asked "do you wanna go to your previous one or get a new one" and I'm like O_O... How come this question?? Do I want to?? Do I not?? I suddenly don't know, aaahh!! Should I stay with the old one, get a new one, idk!! 🎵Should I stay or should I go??🎵 Hmmmmm... I don't know!! I don't know!!
So yeah, I'm just like: "I need help but I'm stuck, aaahhh!!" I really wish I wasn't that indecisive... What do I do?? Who knows??
- Miss Sunshine
Edit: You know what?? I may as well mention this: So originally this website was the purpose of me documenting my life before I finally kill myself... But I don't want to do that anymore!! At least not right now!! I wanna heal!! I wanna get better!! I want all of this right now to stop!! So I'm not gonna be like this anymore!! As of 13/8/2022 I'm changing my attitude, my website's purpose and goal!! I wanna heal, I wanna get better!! From this day onwards, this website is documenting my life!! The life of someone who really wants to finally find peace!!
Warning, long entry discussing periods
I FINALLY GOT MY PERIOD, YEEEESSSS!! FINALLYYYYYYY!!!!! I am SO excited, you have no idea!!
Do you know what that means?? I'M GONNA GET A MENTAL GLOW UP!! YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!! I'm pretty sure you understand why I'm so happy, you've SEEN with your own two eyes what this thing does to me!! You've seen what it's like for me to go through this live!! Okay, it's not that bad every month, this one was bad because some problems have been left untreated so they became really crippling, but eh, they can be managed!! I'm so happy for this, in a few days you'll see me be completely different from now!! Just my usual happy self again!!
Not only that, but with this it also concludes those two months I wanted to record!! I just needed to write down two periods so with this I'm almost done!! I will still use my notebook to record some other things I'm concerned about such as A LOT of dissociation and identity changes, and of course me attempting to eat glass!! But god, finally, I'm free!!
Also ngl, after some writing and reflecting, I've nailed to see a pattern!! So my period has 4 phases: The first one is... 😏😏😏😏 Ehem... Moving on!! The second one is mostly anger!! I become extremely angry, and many times I take it out on others!! Most of the time I hold it in, and when it comes out it's mostly passive aggression, but there have been times when I get more aggressive than that!! And from that I wanna say something important: If you ever feel like I'm talking negatively about you, talking to you in a passive aggressive tone or in general trying to pick a fight with you and you wonder if I'm actually angry with you... The answer is yes, I actually am, I'm not gonna try to sugarcoat it!! But I also wanna say from now, I'm sorry, I don't mean what I'm doing to you at that moment, I don't have a clear mind, I hope you understand!! I'm not actually mad at you, it's just that during that phase my anger builds up in such a way that even I believe that it's genuine anger!! Identifying the problem during that phase is actually the hardest of them all, most of the time I either need a cramp, someone to tell me, or just wait for the next phase to realise that hey, something's up!! Btw, if you wanna do something about it, just talk to me!! But like, don't talk to me about being angry, just give me a compliment or just ask me how my day's going!! With that you make my brain think positively about you in an instant, so do that and you're good!!
The third phase is when I'm just really sad and hopeless!! That moment I'm just like "nobody loves me" or "nobody cares about me :(" or "everyone wants to leave me"!! I cry easily and overall I feel down!! A lot of times I also become suicidal, so yeah, phase 2 and 3 are not pleasant!! If you see me like this, just ignore me!! If you want you can say something nice, but I mostly just say "ignore" so that I won't drain your mental health!! If you wanna say something nice, go ahead!! But if you see that I'm ruining your day, just ignore me!! I'll be alright... I hope!!
And finally the fourth phase is when I have actually realised, I feel cramps, I eat more, and mostly fast food and chocolate and overall I'm just waiting for it to happen!! If I don't realise anything in the previous phases, this one is mostly it!! Now, it's not always like that, sometimes phase 4 is mixed with phase 2 or 3, but eh, nothing's pretty stable during that time!! Like right now, it was one week of just phase 1, and then phase 2 and 3 just got slammed together during another week!! Phase 4 lasted... Two days!! So yeah, stability is nonexistent!!
Oh god, can't wait to get to the root of this!! I really need to!! You've seen me!! You've seen how I was these days!! Definitely not pleasant!! I wanna change it!! I want to just get some peace and not constantly be at war with myself because some hormones got imbalanced!! Also, no mom, it's not "just a phase everyone goes through"!! Because I swear, if your life is in line because of this as well, you might as well need that trip to therapy as much as I do!! So yeah, don't care, didn't ask + L + ratio + you're toxic positive!!
So yeah, just a little more and I'm gonna be great!! Also ngl, I'm kinda proud of myself, I nailed to identify the issue this time from phase 1!! Phase 1 mostly just gets ignored by me because I'm always in this weird giggly happy mood so I don't look into it!! I mean it, phase 1 has me literally like I_hate_this_guy, that's how I look like!! But this time I did!! Well done me!!
All and all, feeling much better today, hopeful for the future!! I wanna find the issue!! ... God I need to get over my indecisiveness and finally do something!!
- Miss Sunshine
TW: Entry about flashbacks and description of suicide
You can see by the tw how light-hearted this entry is... I actually wanted to write this for a while, and because "the dark days of the month" are nearing the end, I may as well end those vent entries with this!! So... Today we are gonna talk about I_hate_this_guy!!
For those who don't know, I_hate_this_guy is THIS guy right here!! He got his name from my unreasonable and inexplicable rage I was feeling everytime I saw this guy IN PARTICULAR!! This design by this artist!! I couldn't understand why but everytime I was seeing him, I wanted to punch him in the face!! It took me a while to realise!!
My PTSD does things like that from time to time... It just gives me anger,smears my memories, and overall tries to make me avoid what triggers it!! But around that time, I was undiagnosed!! I didn't get it!! So I was just keep doing what my brain was trying to avoid and being like "why are you so cowardish, it's fine, chill!!" God I shouldn't have asked that!!
So this guy is from a pixiv manga!! I can link it upon request, yes it's the one I want to react to on a livestream, yes I completely ignore that it triggered me!! There was a certain part in it that made my PTSD brain scroll past it as fast as possible and try not to look at it!! Any looks by peripheral vision would be blurred to the extreme!! But that day I was determined!! Like an idiot!! "No, I'm gonna go, and I'm gonna see that part of the manga!!" I said to myself!! God, what a stupid idea!!
It was night, and I had the lights of for some weird reason!! I think that I was seeing before bed or something... Anyway, I search for the manga, there it is, I find it, and then I opened it!! Start reading, yada yada!! I get to that part and it was... Basically Taka getting chocked!! It was also weirdly incesty so I was like "yeah, you know what, I feel a little uncomfortable, gonna watch some YouTube to ignore the feeling"!!... Nothing happened yet, just started dissociating!!
I open YouTube!! There was a video in my recommended!! An innocent video of a guy playing Tetris on a music box!! Seemed interesting, I clicked it!! I really liked how eerie and uncanny it was!! ... Nothing happened yet, just kept dissociating due to the sound of the music!!
I kept replaying it and looked at the comments!! I always have a habit of doing that!! I didn't need to scroll much, it was there!! "This sounds something like you'd hear when you're about to die"!! ... I kept replaying because I really liked it, and at one moment I thought "I am dead"!!
Right then and there, it hit me!! It absolutely hit me!! It hit me like a firetruck!! I was suddenly 7, at school, ending my own life!! I swear, if you asked me what was happening I was gonna tell you that I am dying!! That it's 2012 and that I'm dying!! I had put a rope around me and I was pulling it!! I could feel it!! It was so tight I could physically feel it!! I felt like I couldn't breathe!! It was so bad I started crying and trying to gasp for air!!
It was probably the worst flashback so far!! I almost blacked out!! Not only that but I couldn't ground myself for two reasons!! 1) The lights were closed so I couldn't ground myself by looking at my room and opening them wasn't something you would think when you're trying to literally survive and 2)... I didn't know what was happening!! I wasn't diagnosed so I couldn't understand what was literally all of this!! Not only that but I couldn't use words like PTSD to describe what happened!! Because if I am not diagnosed, it's not PTSD!! Just like now!! If it's not diagnosed, it's not DID!! Idc what some people tell me and try to convince me, but if I don't get a diagnosis, it's absolutely nothing!! Self diagnosing is a cesspool and I'm not gonna give into it!!
So yeah, that happened, and I was able to breathe again!! I was so exhausted and stressed I decided to take a shower!! I cried again in the shower because I swear, it was awful!! When I was done I wanted to vent!! I didn't have much energy though, so I opened Alight Motion, made this with my little remaining energy and posted it on YouTube!! Couldn't understand what was happening, so I just thought that it was an anxiety attack!! After that I went to sleep!!
Looking back at it, I really wish I could help myself somehow!! This was really torturous to go through!! I don't know if opening the lights would help though!! When I saw the nightmare, I woke up and I swear I put all my energy to get up as fast as possible!! That strength that I used to open that light was supernatural!! I didn't feel awake yet!! I thought that the nightmare was still happening and that he would pop up from somewhere and catch me from behind!! I swear I looked everywhere in my room like my life depended on it!! Behind the door, under the bed, inside the closet!! That's what concerns me!! I wonder if there are more things behind it, but I'm not sure I wanna know!! I don't feel ready yet and my mind knows it!! For someone who witnessed the most horrifying thing in their life though, I was for sure oddly quiet!! If someone was awake, they would only hear me jumping off my bed like a lunatic!! Maybe even my breath if they tried REALLY hard, but aside from that... Nothing!! I was so quiet... In general when I'm like this I'm extremely quiet!! I try to not make a sound!! I think that because it's been implanted in my head by all those times I was told to shut up and be quiet!!
I guess that's why Miss Wannabe is so loud and noisy all the time!! I need to make an entry on her!! But I don't think that the time is right now!! Right now I feel more peaceful!! And right now The Nanny is on TV!! Loved that show!! Part of my childhood!! Really wanna go and watch it to relax my mind a bit after writing this!!
- Miss Sunshine
Please ignore the warzone that is currently going on, in my profile!! :)
I've decided to read again one of my entries it was basically denying the fact that I have trauma... It was hilarious!! It was so hilarious in fact that I started laughing out loud!! I fully condone laughing at that part of me!! Like, girl, you are SO wrong!!
Anyway, we were supposed to meet with O today but a really heavy thunderstorm happened so I just stay here!! So, you know what that means!! I'm just sitting here and writing!! Couldn't really think of something, so I'm just going to bed do something problems from Theseus!!
Nah bro, I lied, have to analyze the name first!! So!! Did you know Theseus was a hero in Greek mythology?? So basically there was this guy named Minos, that went to Athens to hunt but in the process his son got killed!! He got so pissed, that he declared war to Athens, won, and then forced them to send seven boys and seven girls every 3 years in order to in order to put them in Minotaur's labyrinth and get killed!! Theseus didn't like this bs, so he told his father he wanted to go with the boys and girls, and kill him!! So that's it... He went to Crete, into the labyrinth, and killed Minotaur like a boss!! The problem was that when he was coming back, the ship forgot to change the.... I search it and it says that it's called "sail", basically what ships had to move with the help of the wind, my English died right now!! Anyway, they forgot to do that, so when they were coming back, his father thought that he was dead, and he got so devastated, he jumped into the sea and committed suicide by drowning!! That's why it's called "Aegean Sea"!! Remember that next time you come here!! :) There were also other small adventures with Theseus, but the main one he was known for is this!! I know I said "I'll say this if you want to" but it stuck with me since day 1, Greek name, my ass is Greek, get subjected to a Greek mythology paragraph torture!! I swear, if I didn't write this, I would explode!!
Anyway, prompt time!! The first one is "What's the thing you want the most??" Therapy!! Lol... /lh Speaking of that, I decided to contact my old therapist (I decided to just continue and if it needs someone more specialised, I'll just switch to a new one)!! I'm going on Thursday, YEEEESSSS!! Okay, jokes aside though, I really want some peace!! Like... Inner peace!! The last two years can only be described as boiling water, and while sometimes I enjoy being a bunch of boiling water... Sometimes I just want some inner peace and calm down!!
The second one is "Is there something complicated that you should figure out??" (or something like that...) Well you said SHOULD soooo... Probably my trauma!! Even if you hear me talking about it, the amnesia is still pretty strong, so I should just... Work with it!! Just do some trauma work and all that, just overall some trauma work!! Maybe some dissociation work as well, I swear, this days I'm just living the end of space Odyssey, where Dave just sees the otherworld!! Like, I'm having issues!!
And lastly "is there anything you want to learn??" Well now that you mentioned it, yes, I do wanna learn sign language, because I think that it could be really useful!! I honestly don't know where to start yet, and what language I should do (idk if it's universal or if there's like... a Greek sign language, an English sign language, all that) but I feel I'll figure it out!! So yeah, sign language, really wanna learn it!!
So yeah, these are pretty much the prompts (I swear I love it, it's like I'm being interviewed, I love answering questions!! :))!! So now my turn!! So.... Uuhh... Uuuuuhhh... Help, brain empty!! Well... Wait, wait, give me a moment... Oh yes!! Favourite colour?? Or animal?? Or hobby?? Or all?? Also... Dogs or cats?? Just curious!! Ah, it also popped to me!! Is there any weird tradition, or overall thing that you guys do?? I always thought that like "oh, everyone celebrates this, in this way" or "school are like this everywhere" but turns out.... This isn't the case?? What?? (I sure sound like an uncultured 5 y/o, despite being a full grown 18 y/o adult at this point, LMAO!! Can't even believe it myself!!)
So yeah, this is just the prompts done, really curious to hear (no really, if you read this... What's your favourite colour?? Do you prefer dogs or cats?? These questions go for everyone btw)!! So yeah, rain, my sister said my mom cooked some trahana so I may go and eat some of that now!! (If you search it up... I SWEAR it's not as bad as what it looks like, lol!!)
- Miss Sunshine
Okay so I went to my therapist again... Okay, I need to talk about this session!!
It's not that it went bad, not at all, for some reason my brain rated this session as "creamy cheesecake" tier... I don't know either...
But anyway, it went good it's just that... Damn!! Okay so first of all, I decided to tell her about another thing that I do, and that is that I skip meals!! Not because I find myself fat or anything, I just get mad at myself sometimes and I go "Alright, you made me mad, you don't eat breakfast!! Simple as that!!" But I'm pretty sure Professor said that or something!! So yeah, need to look into that... My eating habits do be more disordered than my brain!!
Another thing that we talked about was also my EXTREME emotional detachment!! I mean, if I WAS attached to my feelings, I wouldn't have parts, right?? My theory is that my parts are like the shadow self, but more!! And they don't look like shadows!! And honestly I was like "I really don't get the whole deal!!" And then she was like "we constantly feel something though" and I just said that I literally don't feel anything right now, and then some more things happen, and at one point ahe went to bring some water, asked me if I was thirsty, said yes, and she was like "well, you feel something"!! And I was like "damn, you guys actually express basic human necessities?? That's WiLd!!" I'm being full UNironic here!! I literally just try to express the bare minimum of something that I feel that would make someone angry!! Lol!!
The last part... Okay, the last part, I have to put a TW for the rest of the entry, so warning for graphic descriptions and for... Self harm I guess?? But it's not self harm, so I'll guess I'll go TW for violence!!
So basically I also told her about that thing Professor was like "if you fuck it up, I'm gonna tell Neocities"... The funny part is that I'm telling this myself, lmao!!
So basically I told her about my "self hate sessions" as I call them!! Used to call it "mental self harm" but... I guess it's a thing?? Anyway I changed it!! So, for this one, you need to imagine!!
Imagine yourself being mad at yourself!! But being really mad, straight up HATING yourself!! In an EXTREME level!! So extreme in fact, that if you could, you would punch yourself in the face!! Like, oh god, you just WANT to do it so badly, if you had a clone of yourself here right now... Hey!! How about doing this in your head?? It requires NO energy, NO physical pain and NO unnecessary comments from other people!! So how about you do that?? Oh yeah, it really makes everything feel better!! That... was how it started when I was 13!! Lots pf self hate, ending in punches, kicks and basic necessity neglect!! Then knives came up... Then strangulation techniques... Then giant mallets... Then extremely low temperatures... Then verbal abuse!! And it just kept going like that... But again, I was 13!! I left it for a while, and picked it up when I was 16!! But since then, I started getting more and more sadistic!! I didn't want plain crying anymore, I wanted screams of fear and terror!! And I didn't do this out of hate anymore, I started doing this for my own enjoyment!! I wanted to destroy something, so I did!! And from there it escalated, to full blown torture, fully organised, fully painful!! Physically and mentally!! Haven't dropped it since!!
I've obviously didn't wanna talk about this, because I know that by saying that I'm repulsive and disgusting!! And I honestly get that, ngl!! But I'm now saying this for two reasons: 1) This is my absolute worst!! This is the worst part of me!! And me saying this is just me seeing if you all genuinely like me, or if you just like the good side of me!! So... Do you still like me knowing that?? I doubt so!! My brain has convinced me that everyone is talking to me out of some weird obligation , so this is my way of confirming!! And 2).... I was surprised by my therapist's reaction, she didn't say anything bad about it, but at the same time... Are therapists allowed to say "bitch wtf??" to people?? I have no idea!! Anyway she said I need to direct my anger into something more productive, I'm like "I can draw it, but that's how far it goes"... and she was alright with it?? Wha-?? So yeah, I mostly avoided to do that because I felt like it's gonna expand on that and become worse, but I guess it's ok?? Also... Sometimes I direct my anger to my comfort character and that mastermind Taka version I don't like, and I have some gore ideas for them as well so... Do I also draw that?? Do I do just her or all 3?? Idk!!
Long story short... Therapy is actually going well, feel much better now, but I guess I need to draw gore!! I don't know how pleasant me pulling myself's teeth out will be on paper but hey, I guess I have to try it!!
- Miss Sunshine
Okay, so my body wanted to go out, but I couldn't, so I just decided to work out, and... I feel like I did a good job!! So I'm glad, I now feel more relaxed and overall, I feel better!! You know, maybe I SHOULD see working out in a more positive light!! It's just that in middle school, the PE teacher that we had was terrible, so since then, I found working out extremely unappealing!! So much so, that the first time I was working out again, I was actually feeling worse instead of better!! But now, my attitude changed and I feel great!! So that's good!!
But like I said in a shorter entry, I wanna talk about good ol' Professor!! So the thing is, since this guy heard about OCD, he keeps telling me to lie and hide things because he doesn't want anyone to look into it!! Which, ok, cool, but the problem is, we were talking about things today, and he was just... Do you know that thing that people (mostly in asylums) in the movies wear that basically restrains them and they can't move?? Yeah, he was like that!! I asked him why he was like that, and he said "if I take it off, I feel like I'm gonna murder somebody"!! Listen... I know that admitting to having a problem is hard, even I sometimes believe that I'm faking, and everytime I get diagnosed, I go through a phase of denial, but my guy, you are NOT okay in the head!! I'm not saying you have OCD, but clearly something is wrong and you need therapy!! You are a part, therefore, you need it as much as I do!! This is just SCREAMING mental illness!!
I really wanna do something in therapy, similar to what I'm doing on Neocities!! So like I said, I perceive my parts something like the shadow self, so I'm just trying to use shadow work and inner child work to help with the process of healing and integrating!! Such as... Intuitive writing!! Something that you have seen me doing, basically a.html!! So, I wanna see if I can try and do something I call "intuitive speaking"!! Basically intuitive writing but you talk instead!! I just believe that it would be more helpful in therapy, because, again... Professor is the reason Kuro just yeeted us in there!!
Also... I decided to just do small changes to my website because I'm bringing guests over!! :P Basically I believe that I have come really close with some of my Tumblr mutuals, so as a thank you gift, and as a sign of trust, I want them to have my website link!! So in general, I'm trying to short things, make files that are only accessed through the profile, accessed through the website, sort some files into folders, all that!! I must say that I'm kinda tired to redo the about me page, so I'll probably do it tomorrow!! Thinking of putting my face there for a little bit, in order for them to join the face reveal party as well!! (Oh yeah, I also cut my hair since that time, so hey, wanna see me in a new haircut and my Taka shirt??) But eh, it's alright, one of them didn't say anything yet though, but I believe that they haven't logged in yet!! I believe that I can send the link even if they don't say anything, because they did make it clear that me interacting with them is ok, so I believe that they trust me, so I can trust them back!! In general I wanna take it easy with them, because they have been through a lot so I don't wanna look like I'm love bombing them, so that's why I wanna see what they'll do first!!
So yeah, because idk if I'll write another entry when I'll give them the link, I'll say what I want here: If you are from Tumblr... Hey!! How are you doing?? How's life treating ya?? You see, you made it to the top 6 of my most trusted mutuals, so I really appreciate all the time you spend talking to me!! :) This is so nice of you, I really appreciate it!! I love it when I see you in my dashboard!! You, the one who sent me some songs to draw during an anxiety attack, you're absolutely great!! I really wanna give you a hug, just... *hugs*!! You, the one that told me that there's nothing to be ashamed of for being not a cishet, I absolutely love you and wish you the best in life!! You, the one that made me that mastermind Taka drawing as a gift, you're great, I absolutely love hearing from you!! You, the one who made that wonderful request, I absolutely adore your style, I absolutely hope that the next thing that you'll wish for, will come true!! And you, the one that tags me in their posts, I am so grateful for being part of the close friend gang, I wish that everything around you, will become ✨AeStHeTiC✨!! I absolutely love every single one of you, you guys are great!! So as a thank you, I'm giving you the link to this website!! I was kinda hesitant because uuuuuhhh... No, don't look at my previous entry posts, no don't ask who Professor is, sssshhhhh!! Okay, you CAN ask, I'm not mad, ask whatever you want!! :D
So yee, that's all about it for now, hopefully you all guys both on Tumblr and here are having a nice day!! ^^
- Miss Sunshine
For some reason I was saying to myself that I don't need to write my day but also... This is what diaries are for?? Anyway, now I'm gonna write what I've been doing these days!!
So I started private lessons again, and I so far I have to say... This September feels really good!! I feel better mentally, I am more focused, and I feel the summer-autumn transition!! Last year I was stuck in summer and didn't want autumn to come!! And when it DID come, I didn't like it at all!! I was going through my profile again, and noticed that when school started, I was ranting about it quite a lot!! I hated it so much!! But now I'm better, I feel less pessimistic and I accept the fact that it's now September!! I feel GOOD!! And I'm honestly so happy for it!! Because last year my mental health was so bad I couldn't pay attention to anything!! Also... Remember that 25/9 entry?? Yeah!!
I think that this is because we are only four people, and they are not my classmates and they are like me (basically epic fail moment in Panhellenics)!! And all of this is happening in the morning!! That means that I can go there for only 2 hours and 15 minutes instead of 7, come back, do my homework and study and... That was it, everything done!! I can now breathe!! Omg, I can breathe!! Last year I definitely couldn't!! For real, I have more time, maybe I can even do all those music lessons stopped because 12th grade!! Oh god, I hate 12th grade, I'm not gonna miss it, I'm so glad I graduated!! In general, I don't think I'm gonna miss much!! I really don't find it THAT nostalgic!! I love how everyone is like "you're gonna be rebellious as a teen" and I'm just like "no u"!! Ended up dysfunctional, but hey, it doesn't matter, what matters to me is the "no u"!!
Also I finished crafting that grounding box, I really wanna show you, I feel like it turned out awesome!! I have some things in it, but I wanna put more!! MORE!! MORE!! I was thinking of making playlists and saving the QR codes in there!! Sounds fun!! :) Also I couldn't get the size of the pictures right, so I turned most of them into stickers!! Cutting things is so relaxing though, it's an instant soul healer!! I want more crafting ideas, I want more paper, this is so awesome!!
There have been a few not so good moments like me skipping a few meals again, me having SO MANY self hate sessions yesterday and making them extremely intense, all of that for no reason (fr, I was happy and then I was like "no wait, you don't deserve happiness") and me eating the conditioner again, but at one point dad cooked some pasta and... Just imagine that there is this demon within that goes on a rampage, and the only way to calm down the beast is if you give it cooked pasta!! This happened, I don't know how, but the fire within just calmed down!!
Also Professor was so angry and aggressive, but midway through I can't tell what magic miracle happened, but his intrusive thoughts changed, and I feel like we need to throw a party about it!! Yeah sure, they are still there and they ruin his life and make him miserable, but at least it's not THOSE intrusive thoughts!! I felt mine as well changing, I think that it has to do with the fact that I spent too much time in the "what if everyone secretly hates me", but I can't be sure!! Anyway, because his intrusive thoughts changed, he is more willing to talk about them, and he even said sorry for lashing out on me and triggering me, and I honestly appreciate that!! I mean he still hates the fact I did that and said that he'll never trust me again, but hey, at least this is better than nothing!! We heard together "dogs used to eat me" this morning, and he seemed to like it and overall feel better!! Again, still doesn't like me, but at least he was willing to listen to some music with me!!
Also speaking of trust issues... I unfortunately have a brain and the ability to think, see patterns, connect dots and make theories!! So I started making theories, connecting the dots and all of that, and I didn't like what I saw!! I decided to ignore it, but yesterday I took The Deep Dive™ and it was kinda confirming that, so I am since kinda distrustful of people, especially my family!! I like to think that I just overthinked it because oh god, I hope that it's not true!! I can feel like something bad is there, and I wanna look at it, but at the same time I don't!! But until I get a flashback about it or something, I'm just gonna pretend like it doesn't exist!! For my own sake!!
Anyway, something more light hearted, I've started watching Jewelpet again and oh god, the nostalgia just hits!! It's literally my childhood, and one of the things that shaped me as a child, and as a person in general!! It even got me interested in crystals, literally everything I liked in childhood was somehow connected to it!! Just... Mwah!! I love it!! I don't like how none talks about it, it needs more recognition!! Please, just... Make it popular again, it's literally one of my most favourite animes!!
Also me and Ruby were daydreaming about our dream home today, and she motivated me to draw it!! I mean, my therapist said the same thing a few months ago, so I wanna make it now!! Didn't do it because I couldn't see any hope in the future and didn't have as much connection to anything that will come, so I didn't do it!! But with her, I kinda got the motivation!! Thanks Ruby!! :) You really brighten up everyone's day, I love you!!
In general, things are going great!! There have been a few not good things here and there, but overall, everything is going great!! I'm more motivated, and definitely in a better headspace right now!! I'm so happy!!
- Miss Sunshine
Oh gosh, I haven't written here in ages, aaahh!! Igufydsyysyd!! Sorry, got preoccupied too much with my shorter one, haha!!
Today is 25/9.... Uuuuuhhh... Well I vented about it yesterday and I let it all out in my last update but idk if I wanna copy paste it here to keep it as an archive or not!! But eh, who knows??
How am I today?? Well depends on how you see it!! I'm definitely much, MUCH better compared to last year right now!! I don't wanna die, I feel more positive, my parts are more positive (.... big fat lie but let's pretend it's true because I really can't explain it right now!! Just pretend that by "parts" I mean Professor, and only Professor), overall things more stable and I'm in a better headspace right now!! Like if we're gonna talk about my overall mental health, then yes, it is actually much better!!
But with that said, I still face a lot of problems!! These days there's still a lot going on!! I just wake up everyday and I'm in a depersonalised state for more than a half of the day!! Good thing is that I have more moments when I can recognise myself on the mirror and that's good!! It may be like this for the whole day, but at least there are breaks!! That's good!!
The thing is that since Friday, my pet regression is so wild, I just feel like a dog for the third day in a row!! Goddamit!! I really don't like the fact that things are like "yeah listen, I know that you are like this all day everyday, BuT eVeRyOnE iS lIkE tHaT"!! Oh really?? Do all 18 y/os have a guy named "Professor" and dissociate to the point they feel like an entirely different person, and that thing lasts for days?? Because hey, I could be exaggerating, maybe everyone spends an entire weekend as a dog!!
...
....
Am I seriously that delusional?? Am I seriously delusional and just deny it because it's something delusional people do?? Am I seriously exaggerating?? Because yes, I DO have a disconnection from reality, but not in the psychotic way!! It's more like in the "I dissociate so badly on a daily basis, I just can't connect with the world around me anymore"!! Is this seriously psychosis?? Because it looks like hardcore dissociation to me!! I don't know, I really don't know man!!
Anyway something more positive though, I talked about my intrusive thoughts and it seems like we're getting there!! I can sense the OCD diagnosis!! :) I hate it, but at least it'll make me heal!! Please give me the diagnosis!! I can feel it in my bones, it's coming!!!!!
Also I made some banana/strawberry smoothie, and I absolutely love it!! It's so good!! I really wanted to add more fruits, but decided to do that with a couple bananas and a bag of strawberries, you can tell that the idea didn't come at the best time!! Still good though, I won't discriminate just because it doesn't have many!! Also accidentally broke a blender, but you didn't hear that from me, sssshhhh!! When I went to Helexpo, I saw someone using apple juice as a base, so we bought that, and some pineapple juice as well just to experiment!! And yeah, they were indeed a nice base and all, but I decided to drink them alone (without adding fruits and stuff) and they are... SO GOOD?? Like we bought them because they would just give a neutral taste and stuff but.... THEY'RE GOOD?? LIKE, UNREASONABLY GOOD?? LIKE WHO GAVE THEM THE PERMISSION?? But yeah, smoothie, apple juice, both really tasty!!
Well aside from these, I don't think that I have anything else to add?? Sure, some things also happened but... I'm gonna pretend like they don't exist, because of course!! ....Damn!! Today is 25/9, but it's a much nicer 25/9 indeed!! This September is much better in general!! I really have my hopes up for this year!!
- Dog
Okay I just... I wanna talk about this, it was so random, I have to talk about how it!!
So dad decided to help some people mom's work (she's still in Ukraine, though she IS coming tomorrow) and they... I think they organised, or at least helped with the organisation... Anyway, they organised a torch relay in order to spread the message of donating blood (no I do not know how a torch relay and donating blood are connected, but whatever) and yesterday my dad would go and be at the event!! He asked me if I wanna come and I said "sure"!! So I just... Went along with him!!
Now, mom works at the Red Cross, and many times I've been in places with her, it's mostly just to be there in case someone might need first aid (Note: When I'm WITH HER!! When I'm NOT with her, it's an ENTIRE DIFFERENT STORY)... That's how I got to go to many plays back in the day when I was in another town!! *flexes*
Anyway, that's what I expected, just sitting there, not doing much!! With that, I went there, thinking what to do!! When I walked in, I... I smelled popcorn!! So I got myself some!! :P
After that, we gathered and just organised things!! I was there eating my popcorn... And then one of the ladies was giving the torches to everyone, and at one point she turns around and asks me "hey, do you wanna run with the rest??" I mean, yeah, but was I really allowed to do that?? I was from an entire different town, and I didn't sign up!! She said it's fine soooo... I got one!!
I was there with all the other kids that were gonna run and I was there in the front like "I'm just... I'm just sitting here!!" Anyway, we started running, and there were policemen in the front and back of us and they were just leading the way!! I think that we ran around the block or something, because it didn't last long!! The problem is... I didn't know that we would run, I thought that we would walk!! So when they started running slowly I was like "huh, I can handle it"!! I would... If I had any amount of stamina, something that I never had!! So I went from someone in the front, to someone at the back, chasing others while heavy breathing, LMAO!! Also the torches had a plastic part, so the smoke that came from them made my lungs go "please end my suffering"!!
And so we finished, with us going back again!! There were a few speeches, but THANK GOD they were all really short and actually interesting to hear!! There was also this guy from the military that was giving the awards to the runners, and that's when I got anxious!! I was from a different town, I just went there to see but ended up saying "screw it" and somehow being with all those people!! What if they were specifically for each one, and my turn would come up with everyone being like "who the hell are you??" What if someone signed up, didn't show up that day and I would lie get an award with their name?? What if, what if??
Luckily they didn't have names of them so I was fine!! When my turn was pretty close, someone from the Red Cross came up to me and said "hey, tell him that you're {x}'s daughter, he knows her"!! So it was my turn, I say what I say, and his face lit up!! He hugged me and all that and I'm like "this is the most someone has ever done to me, aaahhhhcdytdydydtsstts!!" I was so happy!! That and because I was the one who got this treatment!! It was ME!! ME ME ME!! MEEE!! Like, everytime I saw him after that I was like "chysdyufufhdgdgf"!! My brain just registered it as "the man that hugged me"!! Idk, it's just that my brain can't make the connection between "works at the military" and "does indeed have feelings outside of anger"!!
God I'm such an attention whore with daddy issues!!
After that there was some kind of buffet so I ate some spinach pie and watched the others talk!! Turns out that this guy actually lost his son in an accident and since then he really tries to help make society more open to blood donation and helping those in need of it!! (May his son's soul rest in peace...)
But again, as a recap, I just went there, ran with the others just because, AND got praised for it?? Like damn, wow!! It's so funnily surreal to me!! Is the message that I should do stuff because in the end you get praised for it?? Because if that's the case, then sure!! I really liked it!! Yes, I have negative infinity stamina, but I still enjoyed it!! I would like to do it again!! :D Loved it yesterday!!
- Something!! Look, we're getting there, okay??
USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!! USELESS!!
"Damn, who hurt you??" NOBODY, JUST KEPT LYING TO YOU ALL FOR A WHOLE WEEK AND I NOW REACHED MY LIMIT!!
- Honestly, who gives a shit, you're just gonna be like this forever!!
... You can call me insensitive, you can call me mean, you can call me selfish for what I'm about to say, but I literally experienced the most intense rollercoaster of emotions in the span of a few seconds, and I'm so mad about what happened, I wanna talk about it!!
So it's currently 12AM... 12AM, BRUH, IT'S ONLY 12 AND I EXPERIENCED THE BIGGEST TRAINWRECK, WTF IS GONNA HAPPEN WHEN I'LL WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?? Anyway, it's 12AM and a few minutes ago there was this thunderstorm going on!! I woke up either from that, or from starting to feeling a little hot, but anyway, I woke up and I heard it!! I normally don't get scared of heavy rain and a few thunders, but this was THE rain!! It was raining cats and dogs, thunders coming one after another, and it's one of those few ones where you can hear the lighting's sound!! But like, S E V E R E L Y!! It was extremely intense!! So much so that my brain thought that I was gonna die!!
In the beginning I tried to fight it and make it go away, but it didn't work!! Tried to hide like I do when it's windy and my ancraophobia is kicking in, didn't work!! Tried to think something else, didn't work!! My brain kept telling me that I was gonna die and I physically felt the need to run!! I tried to tell someone that hey, I really can't sleep with that thunderstorm outside, it makes me extremely scared!! Nobody really did something about it, because why would they??
But the thunderstorm didn't stop (obviously) just because I got scared!! So I just stayed there at my room, and did something that everyone with extreme anxiety does!! Had an anxiety attack!! :) Do you wanna know the number of people who tried EVEN REMOTELY to do something about me hyperventilating and crying?? Exactly, a big fat 0!! Nah, sounds like an average Saturday night to me!! Like bro, where you learned those ignorance skills from, I really need to know, I wanna learn them as well!!
Listen, to a normal human being it's nothing, but I'm NOT a normal human being!! My brain has literally turned into pulp and is on edge ALL THE TIME!! I have exaggerated reactions and I may react in ways that you find dramatic!! That's because my brain keeps giving me adrenaline and cortisol like they are candy, my average mental state is anxiety!! So me just being outright ignored like this made me upset!! Like do you seriously find someone hiding in bed screaming that average to you?? I'm just... I'm honestly upset!! Really upset in fact!!
A thing that worries me though, is the fact that I don't know if I have astraphobia and the whole experience just unlocked it again!! I used to be like this when I was a kid, but obviously I was a kid so I grew up and overcame it... That's what I said when I was trying to tell myself that I don't have ancraophobia, yet here we are!! I'm worried!! I'm really worried!! Because what I did a few minutes ago was the same thing I do when my ancraophobia takes over my entire brain!! That is the problem, it's not just me being a little anxious!! It's MY ENTIRE SUBCONSCIOUS taking over and acting irrationally!! It really matches and I'm concerned!!
I think that I'm gonna go and put some agere music to calm me down, because that was honestly really extreme to go through, I wanna calm down!!
- Miss Sunshine
Oh no!! Guys!! Oh no!! *heavy breathing* It's the cursed date!! Oh no!! *dramatic pose*
Hahaha!! Well, for 3/10, I feel pretty good!! No nightmare today, but I won't take it for granted because last year I did, and 18 days later, I got hit with a nightmare that was like it but it was on steroids, heroin, opium, LSD, and every drug out there!! I mean, the nightmare is also like this but this was WORSE!! So I'll just say that I'm spared... For now!! We still a whole month, we can't be sure!!
Like I said, today is Monday, but I had no private lessons!! I take this as a sign that I shouldn't have school and this in the same day, so now I'm just gonna keep it as a tradition!! It's the third year in a row, it can't be a coincidence!!
Anyway, let's see what I did today!! Well, I woke up and listened to "Rugrats Theory"!! I must say, this and "Calalini" are becoming my favourite (if not my favourite) songs (either in general, or in the vocaloid genre)!! Before listening to Kaai Yuki, my favourite vocaloid was actually Hatsune Miku ("oh wow, how original!!" Shut up, she just has OBJECTIVELY a nice voice, ok??), but after those two, she literally became my favourite, I love her, she's my child!! It could be that when I first heard those songs, they just hit different, but I seriously like them!! Just... "Rugrats Theory" and "Calalini" listen to them!!
Then I wasn't doing much, just studying and doing whatever... Then lunch came and my sister made those great cheesy noodles, they were so good!! I literally think that this is how I'm gonna eat my noodles from now on, they are delicious!!
Then I thought that I haven't written anything in my physical diary, so I opened it and... Wrote a whole entry about how I got tired of my current one and want a new one!! It's not that I dislike my current one, it's just that I am writing in it since I was 15, there's so much cringe in there, I really don't wanna touch it anymore!! It has been contaminated!! But from the other hand, there are 36 pages left, too much but at the same time too little to just leave it!! There's this new one I bought months ago, and I just wanna start writing on it!! It's a nice pink one!! ( ╹▽╹ )
There she goes talking about it again!!
Speaking of journaling... Am I writing less in here?? Because I don't think that the file is lagging as much as it did last year!! I mean, it lags... But it only started lagging in this entry, hmmmm... Did I wrote more last year??
Anyway, after that I went to the kitchen and drank some apple juice again!! Mostly because mom bought some sangria and I decided to try it for the lols, and it tasted like apple, so now it was registered as apple juice in my mind so I just kept going in there and drinking it... So I drank apple juice instead this time!! So good!!
I think that I'm spared for now!! I had a really nice day, I'm glad!! Hope that this lasts for the whole month this time!!
- Miss Sunshine
Feeling: Excited yet really scared
I kept forgetting to put the "feeling:" section in my entries, even after Professor called me out lol!! God I miss him so much, I'm just unable to talk to him these days and idk why!!
Anyway, let's not get depressive, I have big news!! So things have been messy as hell recently, and today in therapy I just said "there's this and that" and my therapist was like "you know what?? This has reached the point where it sounds really concerning, I think that we need to have a talk"!! She said she's gonna tell mom something, it honestly made me extremely anxious, but I think that I shouldn't worry, she said that what we say is kept secret, and last time she talked to her, everything seemed fine, so I have faith in her!!
She also said that she's gonna talk to another psychiatrist, idk why, but she will!! And honestly?? I'm actually pretty happy!! Things have been going SO WILD, not just these days, but since actually APRIL, it's just that these days it reached its absolute peak (like Professor, lol), so I KNOW something is going on, and I'm trying to find answers since!! I need answers, I want them, I'm SO CLOSE to getting them, I just need to know what's happening to me!! I finally feel like this riddle is gonna get solved, and everything will finally reveal itself!!
But from the other hand... I'm scared!! I'm really scared!! Casual anxiety aside for the whole "mom" and "new psychiatrist" thing, I'm really anxious about this?? Because if I say what I said in therapy... Will I get diagnosed with schizophrenia?? Because I don't want that!! No offense to those suffering from it, I don't have any negative feelings towards you, I like you just as everyone else, but for me, being diagnosed with schizophrenia is like pointing at me and saying "hey guys, this girl is crazy"!! And I honestly don't want that, it scares me!! Also... I actually don't believe that I have it, because not only I don't have the most basic symptoms, but even if I say "hey I actually hear voices" (which is true but they are, get this, INTERNAL!! And from what I know, in schizophrenia they have to be EXTERNAL!! So it doesn't count), I still lack so many core symptoms of it!! Schizophrenia is not just hallucinations and delusions, it's also things like catatonia, flat affect, and more!! Delusions and hallucinations are just psychosis!!
And honestly I highly doubt I have it!! It's like me keep asking myself these days if I secretly have BPD and actually manipulated everyone into believing that I have cPTSD!! And my brain said "do you fear abandonment THAT much?? No!! Do you self harm THAT much?? No!! Do you have unstable relationships?? No!! You don't even have the most basic symptoms, so why do you keep asking??" And honestly it's right, I shouldn't just judge things like that, who am I to tell??
I believe that around these days something big is going to happen!! Something that will finally answer my questions and be like "yes!! Everything makes so much sense now!!" So be ready for that!! And I'm just thinking... Maybe after all this I should just say what's happening and my mental health hit rock bottom so much, because there's... There's this dude... That we might as well talk about him!! Idk, we'll see how it goes, guess I'll talk about him eventually!!
But yeah, this was much what I wanted to say, I start to become more stable again these days, and things are actually improving so I'm really glad for that!! Just... Things are happening, a lot of things will be resolved these days, just sit there and wait for me to update you!!
- Miss Sunshine
God, I need to study right now, but I just can't take this out of my head!!
So yesterday I went to therapy again, and uhh... I seriously don't like where things are going!! Everything is just doing the pointing fingers emoji towards the word "psychosis" and oh god, I hate everything about it!! I was like "but everything's internal, you feel me?? doesn't it have to be external??" Well I guess the answer is no, LMAO!!
But this wasn't what left me intimidated!! After a while of more talking, my therapist said something along the lines of "please don't hurt yourself"!! I've been ruminating on that since yesterday, and I honestly don't know how to feel about it!! Does the thought of me having psychosis even in the slightest bit make me wanna go "MM!IshimaruHoldsABoxcutter.png" on myself?? ABSOLUTELY!! Did I say anything about it though?? No!! So I honestly don't know how to feel about this... I've been fixated on the whole thing since yesterday, and I seriously do not know how to react!!
Okay, I lied, I do know how to react, because later that night The Shame™ hit, and I've been feeling like that ever since!! I started feeling such shame I was saying things like "God I wanna jump off a cliff right now" (internally of course)!! Idk, I just feel so ashamed of myself!! I ate breakfast a few moments ago and I was just like "why?? why the fuck should a pathetic scum like you eat breakfast?? Starve!!" I'm just... Drowning in The Shame!! I really want to do a self hate session right now, but I ran out of things to do in it, so I'm just lying in bed, doing nothing...
I would really handle this better right now, IF TWO CERTAIN PEOPLE DIDN'T JUST DECIDE TO IGNORE ME ONE DAY!! Like, I get that they might be internal hallucinations/delusions, but did Kuro and Professor have to abandon me like that?? Okay, not exactly abandon, I just got stressed at one point and stopped hearing from them, but still, couldn't at least my mind decide to keep the nice ones?? Did I really have to end up with Miss Wannabe and that annoying cunt Hallu?? Come on brain, you can do better!!
Speaking of people... I remembered all those times in January 2021 where I would be with V and hang out... This whole thing made me wanna text him and say something along the lines of "how the hell did you tolerate me, I can't even tolerate myself, you should have just left me there to suffer alone, you're too good for me"!! I didn't do it though, but again, how did he tolerate me?? How do any of you tolerate me?? I seriously find myself so annoying, and then I see someone who doesn't, and I'm like "how??"!! No seriously, just how??
Overall I'm just... I was gonna write "okay" but I think that I should write "not okay"... I usually tend to say that I'm okay, even though I'm not, because to me, saying that I'm not okay means "I'm seriously consider committing sewerslide right now"!! So I'm just... Something!! Again, I don't know what to do about it, so I guess I'll just sit here and see how things unfold!!
- Miss Sunshine
You know, I don't really have the energy or the will to write this, but it was so bad, I need to vent about this!! I also wanna write this and keep it as a record of my memories, because many times when I get triggered I just... Forget... I forget everything that happened and what I saw, and not really sure why... Anyway, flashback record!!
To me, the weirdest part was not that I got triggered but what triggered it!! So I was watching penguinz0 play one of those crappy Christian games that fail miserably to be decent and I was like "lol, my mum"!! And as always, I check the comments because I like to have videos with people that are talking as background noise and just multitask (in this case reading comments)!! And I kept scrolling and scrolling and I read something along the lines of "this is one of those games you'd find in a church where they'd give you biscuits and hear the adults in the background"!! It had more details but whatever!! The comment didn't reflect my experiences at all!! Until I read the word biscuits... Holy fuck, the biscuits!! So many churches where they would give me those... Just so many!! Holy shit!! I can't believe that I got triggered over fucking cookies, omg!! The game had religious imagery btw!! Things like crosses, demons and whatever else was in there!! But that didn't trigger me (they don't trigger me... Yet!!) The fucking pretzels did!! How do I explain my brain coherence to you??
And I felt... I felt angry!! I felt loss, I felt anger, I felt fear... All those together!! I was so overwhelmed with everything!! A few weeks ago I had another flashback which reminded me of that... School?? I guess you can call it that?? It reminded me of that school I used to go!! Nothing happening here... Just the place... Out of nowhere!! Btw, that made me realise how vivid flashbacks can be!! To put it in a way that you can understand, if the real world was 720p, the flashbacks are fucking 4K!! They just come to you, suddenly, and they are so realistic!! Even the floor can be so detailed!! Everything!! Just everything!!
Anyway, back to that thing, I was feeling so upset about this!! About the fact that people do not care about the mental wellbeing of their children... It's always about what THEY want!! If they are Christian, EVERYONE must be Christian!! It doesn't matter if they don't like it, they're gonna be forced to it!! People keep saying that "oh, if something upsets you, you should say no"!! That's something really bold of them to assume because 1) it's not always that easy as it looks like and 2) you think that I didn't say no?? You think that I liked being dragged in all those churches against my will?? You think I didn't say no MULTIPLE times?? Also, do you think that people are gonna change like that because you said no?? OF COURSE NOT!! I got ignored everytime, because my opinion didn't matter!! God, I just remembered that one time mom told me about one time when I was in the church, and I just threw a crying and screaming tantrum... In the beginning I was feeling bad about it, but after this?? After this I want context, tell me, did I say no that day?? Was I angry while getting dressed and going there?? Did it happen suddenly or there was a buildup?? Because if this didn't happen suddenly, I'm not gonna apologise for it!! In fact, I'm proud of it!! Good job self, if they can't have it the nice way, they're gonna have it the bad way!! Good job!!
Overall I'm just really mad about this... I can't believe the fact that people are that willing to steal and destroy your childhood over shit like this!! All that time just WASTED in the church... All that because mom is delusional and can't handle other's opinions!! Like, get help, jeez!!
Anyway, just wanted to vent a bit, tomorrow is finally my next session, so I hope that we can shed a light into everything that is going on!! Aside from that... Biscuits!! I never liked them to be honest, and I don't think I'm gonna eat them again after this!!
- Miss Sunshine
Hey!! It's been a while, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!! 🎃🎃👻👻😈😈
Well, I'm just gonna be quick and get into it!! So one of the things that I wanted to write is that oh boy, do I ignore my body!! So I did some blood tests and turned out that I have iron deficiency anemia!! And my favourite thing was that I said "but I'm not feeling tired"!! It's my favourite, because a few hours later in my chemistry lessons I literally struggled to be awake and every 5 minutes I kept falling asleep!!
And it's not just that, it's also the fact that I indeed had all the symptoms but only realised it after... Now, one of the symptoms was cold hands and feet, but this is me every winter so I ignored it!! But then I started feeling cold in general!! And that made me super angry, because I was like "seriously, don't you all feel cold at all, I'm literally freezing, why isn't anyone doing something about it, I'm literally so cold, what's going on??" But it didn't end there!! After a while, my strength started to fade away!! I could give you my strongest punch and you would feel nothing!! And I was indeed actually tired, in fact I would barely be able to focus and kept constantly dissociating as well, but I just dismissed it because I would also wake up multiple times per night to go to the toilet so I thought "well, it's just that"!! No, it was actually beyond that, some mutuals on Tumblr would send me asks and I would respond to them a week later, because even typing a reply was exhausting for me!! I also remember my therapist saying that I should go outside more, because I was too pale... Nice!! Eventually I reached the point where I would feel my heartbeat and most of the time it would be really fast!! That would also cause chest pains, and I thought that it was from "some unknown anxiety" so I would breathe deeply and nothing would happen... So obviously I got pissed!!
Fun fact, we didn't even go to the doctor for this at all!! In fact, we went there because this whole pissing problem just DOESN'T WANNA GO AWAY, and the doctor said to make a blood test just in case it could be something from the blood sugar levels!! We weren't even looking for iron, just that!! Like, if we wouldn't do that blood test, I would still suffer like this!! Just like how I got diagnosed with astigmatism and lazy eye, because I was lucky af!! You could have left me dying there and I would be like "I'm suffering, please send me to the doctor!! No wait... Nah, I'm just exaggerating, I'm fine, I take it back!!" Like I saw my own blood sample being darker than usual, and I was like "yup, totally normal"!! I'm sure I would keep doing this until eventually I'd have organ failure... I'm THAT dedicated on ignoring myself!!
Also, fun fact, I also signed up for kickboxing classes earlier this month... For some reason... And how my weak fatigued nauseous tachycardiatic ass didn't straight up pass out is impressive!! Like yes, I could barely punch people and in one kicking exercise I kept falling (and of course I excused it as "oh, I'm still new, there's definitely no iron deficiency anemia thing going on here!! :)") but I somehow made it!! Good job self, you really deserve a treat for this!! Like wow!! Anyway, I'm now taking iron supplements, and I feel better now!! Not all the way there, but definitely better than before!!
You know, it's kinda irrelevant, but writing this made me realise that I need to say things straight and to the point without giving vague hints in therapy!! I've done it with my anemia, I've done it with my PTSD, I've done it with literally all the mental illnesses I had, like it's time to change!! This entry is your sign that if you're experiencing anything that upsets you to any degree, go tell a doctor!! Just... Do it, if you don't, things are gonna go only one way, and that is DOWNHILL!! Trust me, despite what anxiety tells you, being wrong is actually BETTER than suffering and telling none about it fearing that you're exaggerating!! Please just say what upsets you!!
Also irrelevant... These days I've heard the albums "Trauma" and "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" by Renard and honestly... I like them a lot!! I would link a song as "song of the day" but I like so many, I would have to just link the whole thing!! That made me consider making a review page because there are honestly so many albums I wanna review honestly!! Eateot, these two, you get the tracks you deserve by goreshit (and another EP by him), and also three more that I'm listening currently , two from DJ Rozwell and one from Renard again... Mostly writing this as a note of what I wanna review in case I forget... I'm having so many ideas, I wanna make them all, hfddfd!!
So yee, that was pretty much it, hope that you're all having a great Halloween!! :D
- Miss Sunshine
Feeling: Calm, happy, content, excited
Hey everyone!! How are you all?? Well I'm personally really happy with myself these days, things are going wonderful!!
It started in Friday, after I was done with my kickboxing classes, and I decided to just walk back home with one of the girls and we were talking about things, and turns out that we're both nice weirdos and that has to be one of the best things ever, because when you're a weirdo and you're with another weirdo, you don't have to worry constantly about "am I doing this right, am I normal, will they think that I'm weird??" and it's such a relief!! So far I'm talking with 2-3 girls in there and I'm happy!! And that's because I nailed to do something!! Like people need to understand that social anxiety can be really severe, doing this feels such an achievement!! Not only that, but because you feel normal!! You feel like "yeah, I am able to do stuff without being judged, people don't try to find opportunities to mock me"!! It's so good, I just kept telling myself internally "Oh god, I did it, I'm normal!! I nailed to look functional!! I'm so glad!!"
Then Saturday came, and it was "applying for jobs" day!! I was thinking of getting one because hey, having money is cool, and my therapist said "yeah, you should get one to help with social anxiety"!! So I told mom, a little this, a little that and... Midway through I got anxious and I was like "nah, I changed my mind, I can't!!" I thought that part time jobs are like school and classes, and the working hours are this and this and you HAVE to be there at that time and you HAVE to do this and that, and that you can't change it... But turns out you can just not go there everyday, so I'm glad!! I was thinking that it would get in the way of other things I do, and turns out that it's not the case!! Again, I was happy as well yesterday because I was like "omg, I'm normal, I'm a functional human being"!! After that we went to buy some clothes, so that made me excited as well!! Also can't tell why, but since yesterday I've been looking myself in the mirror and be like "damn, I'm just so pretty"!! I feel so good about myself these days, it really lifts my whole mood up!! ╰(⸝⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝⸝)╯
Oh I also forgot, a few days ago, my mom made one of those pies that... Okay, that's a Greek thing so I need to give some context here: In Greece (at least) there's a saint called "Fanourios" that people can pray to when they've lost something and want to find it again, but it can be other things like general guidance, or just people want something revealed to them!! When they finally find said thing, as a thank you they make a pie called "Fanouropita" and... Yeah, that's pretty much it!! But this is either a tradition, or a thing my family does, where you cut a very small piece and put it under your pillow, so when you fall asleep, you see the love of your dreams!! In the beginning I was "sure, whatever" but mom said that one point, she did indeed dream of dad, so I was like "omg, I wanna try"!! So I did that and... You know what, I don't wanna call him "the guy I hate" anymore, my brain confuses it with "I_hate_this_guy" and calling him the "MissWannabeDontLook guy" is long, so from now on I'm gonna call him "beef jerky"!! That because I have personal beef with him, and because he's a jerk!! So beef jerky it is!! Anyway, I think that he said something to me, or we did something together, or both, but I don't remember, I remember that it was him though!! And he was pissed!! So telling my mom was... Weird!! Also my sister tried it and she dreamt of physics, lol!! Mom said that it doesn't always work the first time and that it took a while for her as well to see anything!! Also "if it doesn't make you calm it's not from God"!! Spent the whole morning wondering if I'm possessed, but then I remembered that demons show themselves in front of the cross, and because I live in The Christian House™, I obviously have a cross in my room, and nothing happened sooo... I'm good!!
In general, things are going well these days, I've actually nailed to sleep better and have that type of sleep that actually makes you feel rested... You know, that one that you get once every five thousand years... Yeah, that!! Really nice sleep, would recommend!! Also I've been taking my meds and overall everything is better, my cystitis is better, my anemia is better, I have less chest pains and tachycardia, I've finally started putting the soap aside, I can function well, overall, I feel better!! Which is good, because I want to be better!! Speaking of health, tomorrow I'm gonna go to the psychiatrist again because yeah... Can't believe that tomorrow is already so near, wow!! I mean I'm anxious as hell, but hey, I accept it, I wanna know what's wrong with me!! So I'm just waiting patiently until tomorrow to see what's up!! Also we'll have to go to another town this time, because of course we need longer suspense in the process of going... I mean hey, at least I'll be in a car listening to good ol'music so I'll be fine!! I think... There was a warning about the weather, and right now it's raining, but it doesn't look so bad!! I think that I'll be able to go!!
Overall, things have been going pretty well recently and I'm glad for that!! Things are going well, I'm doing well, overall I'm glad!! Hope that you're guys are having a nice day too, and I wish you all a very happy day/night!! :D
- Miss Sunshine
Feeling: Overall irritable and sadistic, like, I will pick up a fight!!
Hey everyone, it's your girl, stirring up shit and having outbursts and ranting in here because I said so!! Well, since yesterday I finally got freedom of speech again because that pain the ass, dreamie deactivated!! It was about time, thank god!! Also I wanna say, I will say slurs, but it's not personal!! I just woke up in an irritable mood today and because I'm writing about this and it makes me a little more annoyed, I will throw slurs... It's not personal, I'm just overall angry!!
First of all I wanna say that this is coming from someone that wasn't following her!! It's important for later!! Anyway, for me it started with some follows of websites with the sweet dreams webring on them!! I found it cute, I got jealous and I wanted to "fit in with the cool kids" so I joined!! To be honest, the whole pro-endo thing and her overall profile posts made me uneasy, but I decided to ignore it!! Just here for the webring... I swear to god, after this shit, I'm not interacting with endos and supporters ever again, turns out that Professor was right and they are indeed THAT shitty, if you are an endo or supporter, do yourself a favour and unfollow me, you're not welcomed here anymore!!
Anyway, back to the point!! I joined and I was just vibin... Then the drama started!! In the beginning it was dokodemo, then cabbagesorter, then pagespages, then pretty much every other day someone was called out!! And oddly enough, it was always dreamie associated with this... Hmmmmm... Really makes you wonder!! Hmmmmmmmmmm!!
I should have trusted my gut and leave the webring... Bruh!! I wanted to leave multiple times but I didn't see anyone doing anything about this so I just thought that something was wrong with me in particular... That is, because there are two more bitches here that annoy me in the exact same way, so I just thought that was a me thing... I swear, after this whole ordeal, if I catch one more bitch like this, you're getting unfollowed/blocked on sight!! I'm done with this shit, from now on my feed is gonna be PRISTINE FROM TOP TO BOTTOM!! I'm done!!
Also really fucking FUNNY that you claim to be psychotic dreamie!! It's just SO FUNNY!! And you wanna know WHY it is SO FUNNY?? Because of the shit you were spewing from your butthole mouth every other day made ME and I'm pretty sure SEVERAL OTHERS, either private their profiles or leave Neocities!! My paranoia became extremely worse during that time because of the whole fear mongering thing!! I reached the point of wanting to delete my website altogether because everything was just terrible!! I literally only stayed because I kept reminding myself why I'm here in the first place and that I didn't have anywhere else to go really!! And again REMINDER, I was NOT following the bitch!! Her parasite infested diarrhea came into my feed on its own!! That shit spread like the fucking plague!! But nah!! She's psychotic, I just DON'T GET IT!! Oh really sweetheart??
Another thing that was a screaming red flag to me was her fucking entitlement!! She just HAD to be entitled!! I remember Lily's profile and her shit in it!! She had to remind her and EVERYONE how fucking OPPRESSED she is!! And it was over the most MINISCULE SHIT!! Two posts that stayed in my brain in particular!! First one being "I hate how TTS sounds" or something like that by Lily!! And the bitch HAD TO cry about it saying how "you're mocking disabled people with visual impairments, blah blah blah"!! Oh really?? Guess what darling?? I'm visually impaired (and this sentence reminded me that I need to wear my glasses, lul)!! And you wanna know something?? I find TTS annoying at times!! I'd rather have real people read things because it sounds more alive to me!! Also I have met dyslexic people and literally NONE OF THEM, made a big deal out of this shit!! People have opinions and guess what?? You're not gonna agree with everyone on everything!! That's why it's important to GET THIS, leave to accept people even if you disagree in some stuff!! Otherwise you're gonna be forever alone rusting in a room!! But you're terminally online anyways so there isn't much to save you!!
Also she's pro health at every size, ew!! Big cringe!! But at the same time not surprising!! Haes people need an entry on their own!!
The second post was Lily asking why is America so obsessed with the queen's death!! And she had to make a ramble about "blah blah blah POC blah blah blah"!! First up, YOU'RE NOT POC!! OK?? YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL!! (Race faking, not cool Hajime!!) Second of all, I'm sorry but this pissed me off because in my humble opinion, a country's business is a country's business (there are a few exceptions, but again there are FEW)!! England's issues don't affect my country, and my country's issues don't affect England!! Ok?? I'm so tired of seeing people jumping into others business!! This is not your place to talk ok?? Though I must say, I could be wrong here, because I don't know much about the queen so it COULD be affecting America in some way, and in that case I take this back!! Also the race faking is so fucking hilarious, pretty sure you couldn't win an argument so you had to fake shit, lmao!! Oh wait, that's why you said you had "Romani background" or something!! Lmao!!
Bro, idk why I'm killing it today, y'all know I'm a chill person, but for some reason I woke up in this mood, LMAO!!
So after this I feel like I can finally talk, holy shit!! Like I wasn't even following her but the anxiety she gave me during that callout era was huge, I constantly felt that if I said something wrong I would be next, oh my god!! Well, there's finally peace on earth now!! Also ngl, this situation yesterday was so juicy I had to write it in my physical diary, lol!! Anyway that's all, just wanted to be an annoyance for an entry to celebrate this beautiful moment in history!!
- Miss Sunshine(-ish???)
Feeling: Shame, disgust, ange, weakness
I literally had to go to my house's rooftop, lmao!! Idk, but I feel so overwhelmed!! Everything is too much when I'm at home!! Not that something severe happens but I've reached the point of wanting everyone to shut the hell up, everyone's voice is extremely annoying to me!! They just keep talking all the time, like please, SHUT UP!! I wanna give myself a self hate session, I need silence, other people distract me, just please, shut it!!
Why a self hate session you ask?? So we had a conversation at my literature private lessons and it was about love, and I was like "LMAO no, I've only been overly friendly in my life!!" And after a few more minutes it felt like that "friendliness" is "love in denial"... I would normally dismiss it but yesterday I talked to V again and you could say, that I was acting in a way as if I "loved" him... So that made me spiral in denial because like no, it can't be!! I didn't hit THAT low, right?? I'm not weak enough to fall in love with another person... Right??
Ngl, this whole situation makes me feel so gross and ashamed of myself!! Me?? Loving someone?? Absolutely disgusting!! Like what are you, some kind of weakling?? Are you this pathetic?? Are you this disgusting?? It can't be!! I can't love people, like I said, love is disgusting and I don't like it!! It's been 2 years since I've said that I'm gonna try my best and not fall for anyone any time soon but this?? This is disgusting!! Like, who the hell are you to have the right of falling in love with people like this?? Some kind of vermin?? You're gross and I hate you!! What's next, you're gonna be in a relationship?? Ew!!
You're not me, there's just no way!! I'm not as disgusting as you are, you're gross!! And I'M NOT GROSS, I'M A GREAT PERSON!! I'M ABOVE YOU!! Whatever this fucking "you" is!! I don't like you, I disown you, I hate you, get out of my sight!! I don't know what this bitch is but it's not me!! I'M BETTER THAN THAT, YOU HEAR ME?? I'M BETTER!! I'm not... This thing!! I'm not it, I'm better than that, I'm not bound by such things!!
This reminded me of summer when I realised I'm bi... Same disgust and shame, I hate it!! I wanna hide from everyone, I hate myself!! I hate myself so much!! I'm literally so disoriented right now, I don't like this I want this to stop, I want to stop feeling... This!!
My repressed feelings came back to haunt me huh?? The one's that I don't approve... Anyway, gonna have a self hate session now, I hate it!!
- Lmao no!!
Feeling: Pissed and annoyed, but the type that will pass in a few minutes!!
Bro, I woke up in a grumpy mood again so I now need a victim to let my inner rage out to!! And I dreamt of girls that reminded me of my ex classmates, and I couldn't help but think of that annoying bitch I mentioned in my Neocities comments, that annoying feminist!! And since I'm in a bad mood, this is where I'm gonna target my hate today!!
First up, who is she?? Well I think that "feminist" is misleading, I think that the correct term for her is "radfem"!! Not "terf" because there was a trans girl at school and she wasn't transphobic, so "radfem" it is!! Okay, what else is she?? .... .... That I really wish I could answer, but that's the only remarkable thing anyone can say about her personality really!! That's literally it!!
But hey, being a feminist isn't so bad, right?? Then why are you so mean to her?? Well I absolutely have no problem with being a feminist, in fact I consider myself and everyone one!! Like, you want equal rights?? Cool, you're a feminist!! That's what it means for me!! You have human decency!! And I obviously support human decency with a burning passion, like people say "it costs 0$ to not be a dick"!!
But what's the problem then?? Well, like I said, the problem is not when you are a feminist... The problem starts when from feminist it becomes a radfem and you start shoving it down people's throats!! Like this girl... THIS GIRL WAS THE PEAK OF ANNOYANCE!! She literally couldn't BREATHE if she wouldn't talk about "men bad men bad men bad" every five seconds!! God, I was so desperate last year, I tried befriending her, ew!! In the beginning I was sad that it didn't work out but god I am SO HAPPY NOW!! Like girl, your head is so up your own ass, you literally have no contact with the outside world!! And you know what, good for me, nobody hates themselves so much in order to like you, hope you die alone and never come in contact with a man in your life!! You and your two pathetic friends, y'all the same and you deserve it!! I know that this may sound mean, but when I'm gonna write the rest, I think that hey, you're gonna see that she kinda deserves it!!
Holy shit, now that I graduated I can finally drop the facade and be free, god, you suck so much I hate you!! Also, again, I'm not giving asspats, if I find one more person ANYWHERE being the exact type of "woe is me", you're getting unfollowed!! Unfollowed + L + ratio + your site ugly + attention whore!! Speaking of unfollow, I still have them all on Instagram, I wanna block them so baaad, lol!!
But this isn't just it!! I mean yeah, she was always like "men are so stupid they can't do this, wait until WE THE WOMEN do it" (like okay girl, how about you go actually do it, huh??) but she can't be THAT bad, right?? I mean she's your typical stupid woke girl who isn't gonna do something more, RIGHT?? Well of course not!! Once in religious education, we were talking about things like abuse and all that!! Of course she had to step in and go "men bad men bad men bad" because those are the only words her brain can think of!! Obviously had to drop the classic "all men are abusers" argument... Like girl, this isn't Twitter Land, you're not getting woke points for that here!! And then the teacher/someone else, don't remember, was like "what about male victims?? What about SA victims that are men??" Did she back out, of course not, she had to drop the classic/I'm running out of arguments thing "No, ALL men are abusers, if they get SAed it's THEIR fault, and they probably started it!!"
Girl... Girl I need to make a whole different paragraph for my reaction, like this shit... This shit is like... You know, I was planning to be angry on this one but like... You don't deserve my anger honestly!! Because you can't even PERCEIVE a 10th of what I'm perceiving!! Your brain cannot even COMPREHEND the idea of abuse on men!! I'm literally just superior than you!! You don't even deserve my anger!! You're just intellectually inferior than me!! Like... How fucking dare you?? Trauma is trauma, abuse is abuse!! It doesn't WHO is the victim and WHO is the perpetrator, trauma is trauma!! You don't even know what many men are going through and they just struggle to let it all out!! And what was your view on toxic masculinity?? "Well THEY created it so it's their fault, so they should just tolerate it!!" Girl... Girl I don't know how to tell you this, but you're literally clinically stupid!! If this what you believe, you're absolutely stupid!! There are so many people out there, feeling ashamed of themselves for being who they are and what they like and you are literally encouraging it!! Like imagine, that you are a man and you like fashion!! You like wearing pretty clothes, having a nice image, looking after yourself a lot and you wanna be handsome and fashionable!! And people start calling you "gay" for it!! This bitch is implying that yes, you SHOULD be called gay, you SHOULD be made fun of, you SHOULD be ashamed of yourself and you SHOULD look like a fucking turd because that's how everyone looks like!! Like this has to be one of the most moronic things I've heard in my entire life!!
And I have something to say!! Something so wild that you, your asspat givers and Twitter people cannot comprehend to such a point, that me saying this will make literally their walnut brains explode!! I... Like men!! I like men and I want to see them thriving and be happy!! I welcome men in my life because to me gender does not matter in equality!! EVERYONE has to be equal, including those "cishet white men"!! I love those "cishet white men" and I love them for who they are!! I welcome them with my arms open, because that's what every decent human being needs to do!! If you wanna see kindness in others, you have to start giving some yourself!! But you all are literally not ready for that discussion!!
But hey, it's okay, I can just ignore it, she's a shitty person, she'll say shitty things!! It's not the first time hearing those things so who cares... She's not gonna like drop a nuke of diarrhea so big that it literally made me wish that in the future I want her to get a job with a male boss and the only way to get money is by sucking his dick (metaphorically, I'm not going that far)... She MUST have some logic left inside her, right??
25/3!! Greece's national liberty day!! The day when we all celebrate being here thanks to some guys two centuries back!! We watched a documentary about it the day before at school, because that's what we do every year!! It was a nice documentary made by some highschool students... Pretty cool!! Everyone was finally quiet, our chemistry teacher was there (YES!!) (she's so sweet, I love her!!), there was peace in the classroom!! The documentary ends, some stuff happened, time to leave!! I left the classroom but for some reason I was just outside of it... Guess I wanted to put something in bag or something... She and her minions was the only ones left in there... The teacher asks if they liked the documentary... And girl fucking DARES, HAS THE AUDACITY TO, LITERALLY AND UNAPOLOGETICALLY say "eh, too much emphasis on men"!! This proves 3 things!! 1) She must have slept in the classroom because half of the documentary was clearly talking about all the women that fought for freedom!! 2) Her brain rot is so severe that it's incurable!! Unlike our class's sexist, she was dead serious!! Nobody was around, she wasn't doing this for troll points, in her mindset she was clearly right!! Like, I'm sorry girl, but at this point I think that we need to take your head, if it keeps spreading like this, you might infect someone!! And 3) this bitch is simply ungrateful and blind!! If those "evil men" didn't fight for the country's freedom, you would be sucking sultan's cock today!! But you're just simply too blind to even be grateful that this country is free in the first place because it doesn't fit your political agenda!! Like, do you hear yourself?? Do you even filter what you say?? Do you even see?? Because if you saw, you could clearly see that things aren't as your miniscule brain cells would like to present them as!!
But what's this, what's the meaning behind this?? What would cause someone to end up having such behaviour?? Was it a traumatic childhood?? A bad parent?? Intense life experiences?? NO!! GIRL HAD A RELATIONSHIP AND BROKE UP, AND BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T SUCK DICK SO SHE BECAME THE DICK!! Girl your boyfriend looked like you found him on Walmart, what kind of relationship were you expecting?? Like...???? One of the things my therapist told me that I need to accept is that people are not gonna be there forever, and not everyone loves you to the same extent?? But life is life, things change, people change, and you gotta roll with that!! This isn't only about love, it's about every type of relationship really!! You just gotta roll with it!!
But seriously, after this shit, I'm just glad we never became friends!! Like oh god, I hope that you stay like this forever so that you can be friendless and bitchless for life!! Like I HOPE that karma gets you!! Because when it will, I'm gonna watch you burn and eat popcorn, you deserve it!! You absolutely deserve it!! You could back out, say sorry, keep some things unspoken, but you chose to go all the way!! And you were dead serious!! I hope it bites you in the ass one day!! Because I'll be there, and I'll be laughing my fucking ass off!!
- Miss Sunshine
PS: I just learned that today is international men's day, WHAT?? This enhances this entry by a hundred, much love to all you men out there, you're awesome!! Omg, I'm thinking of posting it on Instagram to piss of the bitch, LMFAOOO!! Gonna do it, gonna do it!!
Feeling: Literally every negative emotion put there!! If it exists, I'm probably feeling it!! Someone please give me a hug!!
I'm literally crying so hard right now, it's 6AM and I mostly wanna go back to sleep, but I know that writing this will still be waiting for me, so I was like "fine, I'll write it now"!! Do you know how in the movies when the protagonist is on an adventure and goes through shit, they start narrating their whole life story because hell yeah, exposition?? This is what I'm gonna do now!! Yay, needless lore dump!!
Let's start from the beginning!! Me at 6 years old!! Well, actually, the first time I remembered dissociating was around the age of 4 or even 2 (!!) years old, but my brain is too much in denial to accept the fact that I was fucked in the head since the age of TWO, so let's pretend that it started when I was 6, okay?? So what was happening?? Well, I was with a group of friends and we were all saying things like "do you ever do this?? do you ever feel like that??" and we were all relating so much like YEAH, I do that!! Eventually I asked "do you ever just... sit there, zone out, and when you come back you are like "oh wow!! this is me!! this is how I look like!! this is where I am!! I'm here, in this moment!!" do you ever do that??" ... None of my friends said yes!! I thought that maybe it was just them, but no!! I decided to ask around a few more people, and none of them said yes!! I dismissed it as me being me!! Besides, mom always used to say that everyone is different!! Well... That was my own, I thought to myself!! Zoning out and losing touch with everything was just how I was!!
Fast forward to me at 12 years old!! My parents got me an mp3 player and I was using it all the time!! I started having trance states sometimes while listening to music!! I ignored it, I was always like that!! Besides, I later found out that I have maladaptive daydreaming, so that must be it, right??
Fast forward to 15 year old me!! I stumbled upon the otherkin community and I started questioning myself!! Was I non human?? I mean, I always felt different sometimes!! I would feel bigger, smaller, older, younger than what I actually was, or I would feel phantom limbs!! I would feel ears, a tail, wings, horns, all sorts of things!! So I tried to see what was up with me!! Eventually I felt like it wasn't me, because I felt SOMETIMES like a non human, not always!! Eventually I found out about pet regression, so that must be the reason, right??
And then, 16 year old me comes around!! Dude, 2020 fucked my life in unimaginable ways, since I saw the nightmare, everything just blew the hell up and all my mental illnesses started creeping on me, holy fuck!! Anyway, back to the topic, I would see the nightmare (and feel it because life's a bitch) and after a while, Miss Wannabe appeared!! At that time I had recently changed the "character to obsess to" and I would always make self inserts around that time, so I just thought that she was one!! I remember her asking me to draw her, and when I did, I would try to alter some things, but she would be like "no, this is not how I look like"!! I wanted to give her a name because "self insert" but she just told me that her name is Miss Wannabe!! I tried to be like are you sure, she was always like "yeah, my name's Miss Wannabe"!! I would always... Admire, you can say, how she was so different from my other self inserts!! She was so... Different!! Dare I say, she was completely the opposite of how my self inserts were!! She was so dramatic, so much of a show off, so much... Different!! But again, she's just a self insert, what is she gonna do to me??
.... I think that you know where this is going....
Fast forward to April 2022, a Professor and a Kuro later!! We would always talk about things, and one thing I couldn't figure out was what the hell those guys were!! I tried to put many labels of them, but nothing!! Nothing would fit!! Eventually Kuro got really tired of this bullshit so he just walked up to me, looked me in the eye, and said "listen, sweetie, you have DID, I'm one of your alters!! I'm not THIS, I'm not THAT, I'm an alter!! You have DID!! Okay??" Of course, I laughed it off !! Me?? DID?? No way!! There's just no way!! There's no way I have such a serious disorder!! Besides, Kuro is in my head, he could say whatever the hell he wants, I shouldn't listen to literally everything he says!! He's just... Just a weird part if me that says whatever!!
...
And now it starts!! August 2022!! Depersonalisation episodes became more severe and frequent!! I would spend days feeling... not me!! I would just feel different!! But at least, those episodes were 1-2 weeks max, it was tough, but I could handle it!!
September 2022!! Now this is when everything fucked up!! I started to sense a connection... I would see nightmares about that... After the nightmare, Miss Wannabe appeared... Professor has pOCD... And some people with pOCD have it because of... That!! Is there a connection here?? Well, time to find out!! Besides, I have cPTSD, at worst I'll remember something I don't want to, who cares about that honestly??
Well... In cPTSD you remember things at worst... But in DID... Oh in DID things get much worse!! You might split because of this!! But again, it's just cPTSD right?? So who gives a shit??
And that's when, what I like to call, the "Hallu phase" started!! He was talking to me since August but things started to get weird in September!! He wasn't vibin with what was going on so he was like "hey that's not cool"!! Some drama happened between him and Miss Wannabe, end of September!!
October 2022!! Things started to get serious!! Hallu was NOT having it!! My guess is that if he's an alter, he definitely is a gatekeeper, because he fucked the communication with everyone so hard, I have been unable to talk to the others since!! So it ended up being just the two of us, in one body, blurry as hell!!
Another thing that was happening at that time was him being... Not so kind to me, to put it EXTREMELY lightly!! So, in therapy I ended up being "the voices are messing with me today"!! Of course, hearing voices is a psychosis thing, so I booked myself a one way ticket to the schizophrenia land!! And Hallu liked it!! Hell, he WANTED it!! He wanted this to happen, that's why he introduced himself to me as that!! (Hallucination -> Hallu) To him, I'm just someone that gets in his way, and he has to make me shut the hell up!! So why not just bully me to death?? He was gonna pretend that I had schizophrenia, and he was ALL IN!! He would mask the voices as psychosis, the identity alteration as delusions of grandeur, the OCD obsessions as delusions, the social anxiety as paranoia, the anemia fatigue as avolition, the emotional detachment as flat affect, my dissociative trances as catatonia, he was going WILD!! He nailed to make me believe that I was going insane!! Boy did I ate that shit up!! In the beginning I wanted to be really mad at him, but now?? Now I want to give him a medal honestly!! Like, it takes skill to be able to distort, fake and manipulate so much information to fit your narrative for so long!! Like, give this man a medal, he went to the absolute extreme and he almost succeeded!!
But what went not according to his plan?? Well, like you know, I used to have cystitis for a while, and I took some antibiotics!! One day, I was bored and decided to read the instructions!! In the side effects section, it mentioned that worsening of depression and psychosis was a thing!! And guess what?? Nothing happened!! How come huh?? Also it's been months, I'm pretty sure that if I was about to have a psychotic episode, I would have it by now!! So uhm... WHOOPS?? Things didn't go according to plan Hallu??
November 2022!! What happened during November?? Well that's a great question because I have no idea either!! Only thing I know is that it was me... With a gatekeeper!! Flashbacks and nightmares were going insane, I dare to say that at one point, I actually had a coherent sense of my life story!! But of course, why would you, I completely forgot everything after a while!! Blackouts were happening a lot more and they made everything so hard!! It was suddenly 20th of November and I had no idea!! Since then, staying in the present and doing anything has become a challenge for me!! My mental health got so bad from the way Hallu treated me, I almost became depressed!! I just couldn't see the point at anything anymore!!
Two days ago I had a flashback!! Remember that breakdown I had in the comments?? Do you wanna know what happened shortly after?? Hallu told me to shut the hell up, gave me two slaps in the face and low and behold, I forgot!! Dissociation was so bad that day, it felt like I was high for the rest of the day!! That night I saw something in my sleep, had a breakdown and wrote about it on Neocities saying how "I'm gonna forget anyway"!! And I did... I forgot!! Again!! At that point I realised that something was very wrong with me!!
But the biggest sign was what happened yesterday!! I was not having it at all, so I just called my therapist and I was like "hey!! what's the earliest I can come over, I'm seriously not having it!!" Blah blah blah, random things, eventually I get asked about the psychiatrist and if I "got diagnosed yet"... At that moment I understood that things were extremely not right and something was indeed going on!! My parents also saw how low I was these days, and how I didn't wanna do anything because I wasn't in the mood and somehow we ended up in the living room talking about... Things!! I don't remember, wasn't really paying attention!! Eventually I started dissociating in front of them, something happened, blah blah blah, eventually dad says something along the lines of "listen, I think that you need to put yourself in a routine, your behaviour has been really inconsistent recently!! One moment you wanna do this, next moment you don't"!! .... So now... I had realised, that there's a high chance that Kuro was right, I probably have DID, even my own parents noticed it!! Something VERY serious is going on, and it really needs to be addressed!! Something's not okay!!
So now... Now I am writing this!! I tried not to, multiple times actually!! "But you always say what's wrong, you are always open about how you suspect that you might have {x} thing, what changed??" Well, three reasons actually!! 1) DID has become such a caricature of a disorder recently, everyone's popping up saying how they have DID, for the stupidest of reasons!! DID has become such a mockery, nobody is taking it seriously anymore, and there are people out there who genuinely suffer because of this!! So my silence is pretty much my way of showing respect to people with actual DID!! I don't wanna bother them and I feel nothing but the deepest of deep respects for them!! So by respect, I chose to stay silent!! 2) Hallu bullied the everloving shit of of me, to the point I was too afraid to tell anyone!! Nobody must know!! I must keep this a secret!! I must stay in deep silence!! OR ELSE!! .... Or else.... 3) I'm actually running away from my problems!! I'm pretty sure that you already know what causes DID... So me accepting that I have it... Extends to me having to accept that I've been through something like that!! That's not easy!! That's not easy at all!! And who in their right mind would put effort huh?? It's better if I just... Deny it!! No, nothing happened, it's all just in my head!! It's easier to deal with it that way!! It's all just... Some deep unexplainable thing that is definitely not DID!! "But what about cPTSD??" You think that I don't already spend hours of my day trying to rationalize that?? Oh trust me, I used to keep telling myself that it was a BPD misdiagnosis!! When THAT didn't work, I said BPD and PTSD!! When THAT didn't work, and had to face the fact that it IS indeed cPTSD and was diagnosed right, I just said "oh it's because of my mom's obsession with religion, lmao"!! I spend time and time again, trying to downplay and rationalize my symptoms as much as possible even if it means going to extremes!! So definitely I'm not accepting something like THAT!! It's not easy!! Why would it?? And why would you try to make sense of something happening to you that is SO SADISTIC, when you can just deny it and run away?? If your problems catch up, you run faster, and you keep doing that indefinitely!! Because that's the easiest thing to do, run away!!
But now?? Now I don't feel like I can hide anymore!! I keep trying again and again to push aside and bury everything, but it reached the point where I don't think that I can do that anymore!! If I keep doing this, I'm gonna burst, or worse, commit suicide!! I seriously needed someone to talk to, to let out my frustrations, to say everything that happened, what's been going on, how I've been for the last FOUR months (dare I say FIVE)!! Four months... Even I wonder how I'm still alive despite going through this hell... Now I've written it down, it's out now, it's out there, it can't haunt me anymore!! It's out now, I'm not gonna suffer in silence anymore!! Now, I've said it...
Now it's not so scary anymore!!
- I HOPE that this is Miss Sunshine!!
Feeling: Determination
Omg, only 30 days until Christmas, wow!! Start the countdown everyone!!
Anyway, aside from that... If you're taking iron supplements... Please don't take them before bed... Please!! Just don't!! I decided to take mine at that time because they cause me some bad side effects and I just didn't want to deal with them during the day... So if they happen while I'm asleep everything is gonna be alright, right?? I can just deal with them tomorrow!! God, I gave a pat on my back for thinking that, saying how I was such a genius!! .... Needless to say, I woke up with such pain in my lower abdomen, that felt like I was being stabbed with knives and needles!! I couldn't even talk or stand, I was walking like I was folded in half and was grunting and moaning, that's how much my body wasn't vibin!! Eventually I ate some things for that and it went away, but oh god, I'm not doing this again!! Please don't do that, I seriously do not recommend!! If you won't deal with it during the day, it's gonna multiply during the night!!
Heh... Ignoring the problem... Exactly what I wanted to talk about now!!
I decided to reread some of the entries here from August to November to see what was me and was was Hallu... Everything seemed pretty me I guess so eh, whatever... But one thing that caught my eye was the 16/11 entry which definitely sounds like me and Hallu... In fact, you can kinda see it because I keep switching from "I" to "you" from time to time... I'm pretty sure that the"you" was from Hallu and... Reading made me hurt to be honest, like... Do you hate me THAT much Hallu?? What did I ever do to you??
But for me, the one that stroke me the most was the Halloween one!! That was by me... But what was in it made me realise... I'm doing this whole thing YET AGAIN!! In the entry, I literally said about how I did this with literally all my mental illnesses and I'm just... Doing it again!! Because I don't wanna deal with it!! Because I wanna run away and avoid everything!! Because I can't handle the truth!!
But at the same time I know that what I'm doing is wrong!! Because by doing that, I'm allowing Hallu to win!! This is absolutely what he wants and by allowing him to win, he'll just keep doing this and my mental health will just become worse and worse... I don't wanna deal with it, I'm tired, I just want peace!!
But I can't back down!! Not right now!! Because this isn't a me problem anymore!! It's an us one!! Because even if I just go to therapy for just myself, pretty much nothing is gonna happen!! Looking back at everything, Professor seems to have a concerning amount of symptoms of catatonic depression!! Miss Wannabe seems also to ve extremely emotionally unstable and another one seems really fucking manic!! Hell, even HALLU seems to be in extreme distress!! So even if I go to therapy and do whatever, their issues will get worse and this will result in me getting worse, so I'll keep going back to square one!! If I truly wanna heal, they must heal too!! And in order to do that, I must say everything!!
Hallu wants me so badly not to say a thing and keep my mouth shut but oh god, I can't!! Last time I wrote here, he seemed to understand that he can't keep doing this shit anymore!! He knows that I'm winning and oh god, this is THE PERFECT TIME to push the whole thing further!! I swear, if I keep doing this, I'm pretty sure he'll give up and bring the communication back!! I must fight harder!! I won't let him keep treating me like this, not anymore!!
My PTSD avoidance wants me to run away, and my anxiety keeps gaslighting me about "REAL people with REAL DID, don't know that they have it so you MUST be faking" but oh god, I really don't care anymore!! I've been through absolute hell this entire time, I don't care, I want my peace!! Interestingly enough... I actually barely remember a single November of my life!! Every November is just like this, this one was just worse than usual!!
That's it, I'm done, next session I'm saying everything!! You wanna know something, anxiety?? I DON'T CARE if I have magically manipulated my entire brain into accidentally faking!! Do you wanna know why?? Because if I get tested for DID and turns out I have it, I literally save myself so much time, energy and frustration, and I won't have to go through 6 years of torment, like most people with DID!! And if it turns out that I DON'T have DID, you know what?? IT DOESN'T MATTER!! Because it will be one possibility eliminated!! It will still be a great step in progress!! It will still be better than nothing!! I won't allow you to keep controlling me like this anymore, I'm not your puppet!!
That's it, I've taken my decision, I'm not gonna let this keep frustrating me anymore, and I'M NOT gonna back down!! I've been through ABSOLUTE HELL and I'm not gonna go through that not NOW, nor EVER AGAIN!! I want to heal, and I'm gonna fight for it!!
- Miss Sunshine
PS: When I wrote that, I started doubting everything again, and the "what if"s came back and I remembered those times these days when my OCD tried to give me cystitis related obsessions and compulsions and because I was not having it, I just eventually I told myself "I'm gonna count to 10, if nothing happens by the time I reach 10, I'm ignoring you"!! Boy did they became much less frequent now!! This proves to me that if I wanna do something and put my mind into it, I can do it!! And this makes me even more determined!! Anxiety, you're strong, but I'm actually stronger than you!! This ends here, you're not gonna control me anymore!!
Hiii bestiiieeeesss!! :D (Don't know why I said that, lol!!) Today is the last day of November, can you believe it?? Omg, FINALLY!! I just never liked November!! Just... no!! Also, 5 days until I say everything, LET'S GO!!
So because I've been reading my older entries in my physical diaries and I just wanted to kinda see how I changed since then!! I suddenly remembered that "letter to your 18 year old self" I did when I bought "Dork Diaries 3 1/2" so I was like hey, I'm 18 now, I wanted to react to my entries, so why not start with this?? It's gonna be a nice response, right?? Well, here we go:
Dear 18 year old self,
I'm writing you 6 years before. I'm gonna gonna tell you what I like. Do you still like the same stuff? Let's see:
Sure bestie, go ahead, tell me!! Also ngl, writing with full stops... Oh my god!! I mean I started writing the way I do now at 16, and that wasn't too long ago if you think about it, but oh god no!! Anyway, keep going!! :)
WHAT I LIKE:
1) I love the movies"Alpha and Omega" from 1 to 7.
So pretty much all of them...
Have you seen them all?
Weeellll... Look, the MVs on YouTube looked really cool at the time, and the first two movies you watched were also cool but... No, I didn't!! Sure, the MVs looked good, but this year I saw some commentary videos on them and uuuuuhhh... Not to disappoint you, but the more you grow up, the more... No, sorry!! I mean now that you said it though, makes me wanna partially watch them, like make YouTube reactions from them, it will be so funny!!
2) These days I've been more interested in wolves. Do you like them?
... Is it from the movies?? Is it from the "Alpha and Omega" movies?? Is it at that time that you discovered that music videos on YouTube were a thing?? I think it is... Anyway, to answer your question, no!! No, as in means of talking about my favourite animal, that right now are bunnies!! But if we are talking about liking wolves in general, then yes!! I mean, if your favourite animal is a wolf by the time you're writing, I stopped having them as my favourite animal by the age of 17, that's like 5 whole years, it's half a decade!! It's impressive really!! But yeah, I like bunnies now!!
3) Watching the series "Miraculous Ladybug". Do you like this series?
Uuuuuhhh... Again, it looked way cooler when I was 12 and the series was still at it's first one-two seasons, but as time went on, I watched (again) some commentary videos on YouTube and I just realised that it wasn't just me, but this series is objectively shit!! Sorry for that!!
Do you believe that Ladybug is a snob and Cat Noir is cute?
YEEEESSSS, OMG, BURN THAT BITCH!! I hate her so muuuuuuchhhhh!! Holy shit!! Also yeah, Cat Noir is better... But I know that you're asking because you want me to say if I have a crush on him, and the answer is... No, sorryI'd rather suck mastermind Ishimaru's dick instead lmao, I like another character now!! Not really crushing on anyone at the moment!! *looks at my self insert webring* To cheer you up though, you liked Cat Noir SO MUCH back in the day, and you had so much fun crushing on him, that effect of that follows me to this day!! He still makes cameo appearances in my daydreams not gonna lie, I still have characters inspired by him!! Also people started to realise overtime that Ladybug is a little piece of shit and really shitty towards Cat Noir, PEOPLE JOINED OUR SIDE, MUAHAHAHA!! I know that nobody knew it from the beginning, but WE KNEW!! WE KNEW!! Good job self, I'm so proud of you!!
Those are the 3 main things that I like. Here's now what I don't like.:
Give the dislikes bestie, go ahead!! Also ngl, it's funny that you have everything either a 3 or multiples of 3!! It's funny because while writing this my battery is at 3% lol!! Coincidence?? I think not!!
WHAT I DON'T LIKE:
1) I hate it when people pinch my cheeks and overall act like I'm incapable of doing anything. Seriously now, do you like this?
Look, I would partially kill for having your cheeks ngl!! And your skin, like puberty and acne just made me wish I had that smooth baby skin, ngl!! But no, I didn't like it then, I don't like it now!! That is, for pinching my cheeks!! The other thing that you mention... I don't know!! That is because I have ✨AmNeSiA✨ so I don't really know what you're really talking about here!! I'll agree in some areas, but in some I'll disagree, you were a 12 year old after all!! You're still a kid, you think that you've grown up, but you're still a little kid!!
2) The fact that I live in a school full of idiots. Do you agree or disagree?
Well I couldn't really remember what grade were you in by age alone, but looking through the whole book I found a 7th grade history book cover, so 7th grade it is!! Well I'm gonna be honest with you, middle school and junior high were hard!! Hell, even high school wasn't really pleasant!! The second half of 10th and the whole 11th grade were good, but that was because of quarantine!! I'm gonna be honest, you've been through a lot, I can't really blame you for thinking this way!! Well, good news is, it's over now, don't worry!!
3) SCHOOL. Do you like it? Or are you reading this letter now that you're studying for uni?
BAHAHAHA!! I love how you thought that I'm currently in uni right now, I failed the Panhellenics like a loser, lmao!! Well like I said, I honestly didn't really like it (mostly the last few grades) that much!! But that wasn't necessarily because school itself sucked, but because you started going through a lot and had to deal with a lot of things you didn't know!! Mostly the fact that people don't really wanna be friends with you as in... Being friends with you, but more just to have a being to talk to and hang out... But not in a deep level like you were used to!! And that followed you for the rest of the school years, having you end up with maladaptive daydreaming!! So I can see where you're coming from, I see your point here!!
And now something last:
What is it?? :D
QUESTIONS:
Yaaasss, let's go, I love answering questions I'm an attention whore!!
1)Do you like writing songs?
(Ugh, not that...) Well, to be honest... No!! Sure, I tried time and time again but I just realised that this isn't for me and I shouldn't force myself to do something I can't!! Writing songs is hard, like you have to think both something that rhymes and a melody that goes along with them well and just... It's hard, I gave up!! Even at my peak at 15, I still couldn't do much, sorry!! But you did get me at a period when I'm thinking of writing poems though, ngl!! I think that they are a neat form of vent art!!
2) Are you a singer?
(Not that again...) Well, the answer is again no!! I mostly want to be a music producer now, and I would love to sample some vocals in there, but singing... Well, not really!! Sure, maybe a cover here and there, but not actual singing!!
3) If not, is it because you gave up or are you still trying?
Listen, girl, can I be honest with you?? You don't wanna be a singer!! You don't wanna be an astrophysicist!! You don't wanna be neither of those things!! Your singing voice is extremely average and physics isn't something you're actually really good at, and you know it!! You don't wanna be either of those!! You don't wanna go to NASA, and you don't wanna keep singing all day!! You keep talking and talking about it but can I tell you something?? What you want is attention!! You want to be noticed because everyone kept pushing you into the background for years, so now you feel like a worthless nobody!! You think that through this way people will give you attention... Sure that may happen... But it's not ideal!! With that comes stalking, paparazzis, sleep deprivation, drugs because you won't know how to deal with that, and lack of security!! And trust me, it took YEARS to find that out!! Turns out that all you needed to do, is make a blog and have some followers to talk to!! No, seriously guys, you all have literally changed my life, I don't know how I would be like today if you weren't here, and didn't realise this!! Thank you all so much, you mean the world to me!!
4) Do you like Junior?
Honestly... I have no idea, I didn't really have any significant like for that dog... It was... okay!! I mean when it died I didn't really feel much, it was just... Okay!!
5) Have you seen Rosella?
Oohh, yes, went there a few years ago for the summer, and we saw her again!! She's literally one of the cutest dogs, I love her so much aaahh!! Would like to see her again!! Maybe this summer??
6) Is Drago still alive?
Yee, still alive and kicking, went to the village to check up on him today in fact!! Doing pretty good... Also I love the fact that the first three questions were about me asking if I finally got attention, and the last three questions was about my family's pet fogs because I literally had no friends!! Really shows you how my mental state has been!!
Answer me (yeah as if)
Best regards,
Your 12 year old self
Please, of course I would answer, why wouldn't I?? I always had this letter in the back of my head, what are you talking about?? Here it is, all my Neocities mutuals can confirm!! (Plus you make great content lmao) Also irrelevant but I must say... As someone who uses only ... and !! to display emotions, seeing a single . at the end of each sentence made me feel like this entry was so dead inside oh my god!! I know that it isn't, but oh god, it feels so DE A D!!
PS: If you're gonna die before turning 18 read the letter before you die.
... Listen sweetheart... I know that you've been a pessimist since the beginning of time, you were self harming since the age of 5 and attempted at the age of 7, but COULD YOU NOT remind me of this shit right now, thanks!! I mean I don't know what's worse, the fact that I wrote it, or the fact that I did indeed read this again when I was 14 (and maybe again when I was 16)?? I have no idea man!!
But the fact that I wrote that now... It made me realise... I nailed to reach adulthood!! It's really impressive if you think about it!! I've been through a lot, and I'm still here today writing this!! I've managed to survive 18 orbits around the sun!! I've been 18 years on this planet... I've made it to be honest!! I've made it!! I'm here now!! I'm so glad!!
Another thing that I'm glad about is the fact that my mental illnesses decided to pop up in 2020!! Do you know how unmanageable life would be if I showed my symptoms to the intensity I do now by the age of 12?? My life would be hell, I'm sure of it!! Everything would just be so hard... I mean, it was hard already... So many things to deal with, so many things to face... Yet I made it!! I nailed to survive school and now I'm here!! I still exist!! It really makes you feel more proud of yourself to be honest!! I'm so happy!! Cheers to me having a better rest of my life!!
My advice after writing this entry is this: See how much you've changed!! Look at your older journals and see how much things have improved since then!! Write a response entry to yourself!! You'll be surprised by how much you grew as a person since then!!
- Miss Sunshine
Feeling: Excited but also a little scared!!
Hello everyone!! :) Look at what day it is!! It's finally December!! Yoohooo!! 22 days until Christmas, let's goooo!! Also, 2 days until I go "you know what, no" and snitch everything to my psychiatrist!! Okay, sorry for fixating so much on this, but I've been through hell, it's been 5 months, I've seen the other side by this point, I just want to find my peace!!
Honestly... Yeah, I must admit, even if I somehow NOT become a coward and say everything, it will still take a while... You can't expect to get diagnosed first session!!
And even when I get diagnosed with whatever... It will definitely not be over!! The Problems™ that I so wanna avoid are already starting to creep in on me... They are always there by Hallu's side, looking at me... God, as much as I wanna avoid them I just can't... I wanna pretend that they don't exist but at the same time, if I wanna move on I have to face them and look them dead in the eye!! Oh god!! I don't wanna face them!! I don't wanna deal with Hallu!! But I have to because there's no other choice!!
Speaking of Hallu, I've honestly been portraying him in a really bad light actually, I think that next entry should be about him honestly and just what the hell has been going on for months!! Yeah, he made my life miserable in every way, shape and form, but there are also many things behind his behaviour, I just feel like I need to talk about them!! Also I just want to get some things of my chest because holy shit!!
People REEEEAAAAALLLLYYYY underestimate the power of writing things down and letting them out!! When I wrote that entry... Holy fuck, my whole world has changed, everything seems more manageable, it's just... Better!! Like if I didn't write that, I would feel 50 times worse now!! I would just not manage!! No fr, I've actually been thinking of telling Hallu of writing here, I feel that it would help A TON!! Like... Remember Professor's last entry?? The one saying pretty much what was happening inside his head, overall his mental being shit, all that?? Do you wanna know what happened a few days later?? He was so much better mentally, I saw this man smiling almost every day!! And him smiling was pretty much a rare thing to witness, you were most likely to see a super blue moon eclipse than see Professor smile!! Like, he was happy!! Like ACTUALLY happy!! Because a weight got lifted from his chest!! Just... Can I just say thank you to all of you?? If you weren't all so nice to him, he wouldn't say a thing!! Just... Thank you!! You helped me and him so much in the whole process, I'm really grateful for that!! You just need to be patient one more time for a little bit again, okay??
(Also me reading it made me realise that it's pretty much confirmed that I have DID at this point, like I just DON'T remember writing that shit... I love how I was like "oh it's just a fun little thing of automatic writing, haha"!! Girl no, you are mentally ill!!
Also at one point I read something along the lines of "I wish that I could just sleep through the entire autumn or something"!! Boy, I hope that you're happy now that Hallu fucked everything up!! Be careful what you wish for people, just please!!
Also me reading it made me realise that someone on Neocities was trying to copy Professor's and my experiences, HAHA!! Bro, I'm not even mad, this shit is fucking hilarious!! At least try to do it next embarrassingly next time, like this shit is top comedy!! Omg, how long until Hallu gives up, he needs to see this shit, LMFAOOO!! Babe, you can try as much as you want, but you'll never have our swag!! Especially Professor's!! Bro even I could try to copy him and even I would fail miserably!! Just... You can't have Professor's drip, nobody can!! It's been more than a month since they updated though, so I'm pretty sure that they aren't coming back!! Which is honestly great like bye bitch, you won't be missed, hated you and your website since day 1, byeee!!)
Overall, I must say, things are actually going better since November!! Which makes me think that autumn does objectively suck, because it's suddenly 1st of December and suddenly things are going better!! Or maybe Hallu understood that I'm not gonna back down so he started giving up, idk!! Well, things are kinda improving, I'm gonna try my best, and with a little bit of luck, I hope that I'll get diagnosed!! The path may be rocky as fuck, but I'm not giving up, I'm literally so close, I just need to just wait!!
I have a good feeling about this actually!! Not to sound like one of those people, but I've been seeing a lot, and I mean A LOT of angel numbers recently, and all of them mean "yeah bestie, go tell them, we're with you, go show them bestie, we got your back" so uhm... I'm not gonna back down!! Like I'm just TOO determined to back down at this point, I don't care, my way,or the highway!! I've created a goal, and life knows that when I truly want something, I'm gonna go get it no matter what !! I want inner peace, so I get inner peace!! Simple as that!! Two days... Just two days and I'll finally be able to have my peace!! I've tolerated 5 months of this shit, I can withstand two more days!! I can do it!!
I CAN DO IT!!
- Miss Sunshine
TW: Abuse (literally all kinds), Self harm, Substance abuse, Disordered eating, overall... JESUS CHRIST!!
Feeling: Tired... Just tired... I mean I'm also on the edge of a breakdown, but those feelings don't feel like mine... I'm just... I'm just done honestly!!
I'm sure that from the warning you can already tell how light-hearted this entry is...
So today is time for that entry, detailing what's been going on for the past 5 months... Well, 4, because August was mostly plain derealisation and out of body experiences, so it doesn't really matter...
Let's start with September!! The moment everything started going to hell!! I swear to god, this month... This month... From one hand I regret EVERYTHING I did in September because if I didn't get that STUPID IDEA, none of this would happen, but from the other hand... If things didn't get this severe, I doubt anyone would do anything about it so I keep having mixed feelings about it!!
In September, I got the brilliant idea of taking The Deep Dive™ and trying to figure out my past... Specifically trying to figure out if I have memories of CSA... I regret that decision SO MUCH, I just regret everything, just why did I thought of doing this, why did I find this a good idea, just why??
And that's pretty much how the "Hallu phase" begun!! His initial behaviour was pretty much like "hey, we're taking things a little far, aren't we, how about we cut it out a little" but like... meaner... I was so fucking stupid... Oh god... So fucking STUPID!! A FUCKING IDIOT!! Oh god!! I took his words as challenge saying "oh, why are you trying to stop, you must be hiding something"!! So he kept trying to stop me and me keep seeing this as a way to test me... Girl, girl after thinking like this, no offense, but maybe you DO deserve this suffering!! He said no and you kept pushing his buttons!! Like, you have a persecutor... telling you no, to you keep forcing memories out... Girl, you messed with a persecutor, what did you expect?? "Oh, but it's just cPTSD"!! Really now?? Have you seen anyone with cPTSD going through this shit?? NO!! "It's just a voice"... Whatever the FUCK it is, he said no!! Like no means no, the rest is on you honestly!!
October comes!! Hallu was not having it!! He was like "alright, if words don't work, force will"!! (typical persecutory behaviour) So I've became this guy's punching bag, how surprising!! Yeah sure, it hurt mentally as hell, it made you feel like absolute shit, but what did you expect?? So yeah, this kept happening everyday, for the whole day... I must admit, no matter how much you keep saying "it's just a voice"... If you keep being treated like this and hearing all day that you're stupid and that you should die, it kinda messes with you, ngl!!
Naturally, Professor wasn't really vibin with this behaviour so he tried to make him cut it out... Of course this was perceived in a "oh, you're trying to get in my way, well fuck you" way, so I was pretty much left now alone with this guy... But hey, he'll lose interest in me eventually, right?? Right?? Well probably... But reminder that I was sick and (even to this day) anemic!! The body was pretty much operating like it was held together by glue and tape, and apparently, sickness by my brain's logic means "oh, let's slap Hallu on it"!! So this kept going for more than a month... Again, I'm STILL anemic, my body isn't functioning really well yet!! That's how he proved to me that he wasn't something my brain made up btw, I was like "prove to me that you are real" and he said "alright, remember that time when you were sick?? or that other time you were also not feeling well?? or that other OTHER time-"
Of course things kept piling up... So telling someone about it was a good idea right?? Well... Of course he was aware of that... So he tried to pretend that it was ALL schizophrenia and that I was going insane... It would get labelled as psychosis and nobody would look into it!! Besides, he kept telling me "if you're gonna tell anyone about this, I'm gonna kill you"!! Obviously dying isn't something I needed at that moment so I didn't say anything... I kept doubting that for a while until... Oh god... Until... I was at my chemistry lessons and I was taking the books out of my bag... And my sleeve got slightly pulled... And I see... .... .... Man, this is so hard talking about, I saw a wrist cut!! Now, I kept self harming throughout the whole period of going through... This, but I NEVER touch the wrists!! I don't even get even CLOSE to the wrists!! And I suddenly see a cut RIGHT THERE on the fucking wrist!! At that moment I was like "okay, this guy is for real, he's actually gonna kill me"!! So of course I didn't tell anyone a thing!! Even at therapy, I stopped talking about it unless directly asked!! I kept keeping it inside me because I didn't wanna die... Okay, that was partially a lie, he treated me so BADLY that at one point crying and self harming wasn't doing the thing anymore, I wanted to die!! The only reason I'm not dead yet, is because despite living on the last floor, it's not high enough!! So it doesn't matter... I've tried pills, they don't really work, and overall, I couldn't really die, even if I wanted to!!
But a wrist cut wasn't the only thing I discovered when "coming back"!! At one point I was suddenly in the living room, holding a glass of liquor!! So this guy knows where we keep those... Well shit!! If it wasn't liquor, it was something else, but it was always alcohol!! And if it wasn't alcohol, it was food!! This man kept binging and purging, and binging and purging, I swear to god, after this, I don't wanna hear the sound of someone throwing up EVER AGAIN!!
Like, this shit was HELL!! Eventually November came up... Blacking out... A LOT of blacking out... Like I'm not even sure if what I wrote in the previous paragraphs happened during October or during November because my memory has become like melted cheese!! I guess both, like some were from October, some from November, I guess... I made "The Horrors" as a way to finally let some things out... What, you think that it was entirely fiction, no no no!! In fact, that part that he said he likes Disturbed and me saying how I ended up "coming back" in the kitchen while searching for a knife... Those were entirely true, they did indeed happen!!
And it's just... It's not fair!! It's not because he's mean to me... I can live with that, someone is mean, how shocking... But he is mean to specifically ME!! Like, yeah sure, he hates me, my parents and pretty much my entire family, but there are people who he really likes!! Like my sister, he fucking loves her for some reason... Not romantically of course, but he cares deeply about her... Like, he is so protective of her in fact, that it makes me wonder if something, you know, traumatic happened to her that I don't know but he does!! He also likes V and X1 a lot and sees them as great friends to talk to, and it just makes me feel... Neglected!! Rejected!! Just... Unwanted!! Because... If he likes other people so much.... Why can't he like me as well?? What did I do??
And if you haven't noticed already... His real name is not Hallu!! Remember, Hallu is not his actual name, but what he INTRODUCED HIMSELF TO ME AS!! His real name is the same with my dad (which is not Adonis btw, nice try), and it makes everything so much more difficult!! I will still refer to him as Hallu for obvious reasons, but also because I just cannot refer to the same person that made me feel this amount of shit the same name as my dad!! It's just... hard!! Not only that, but... Remember why it all started?? Because I wanted to dig up trauma memories?? Well it turns out... I actually never got a "no" as an answer!! And it just makes things even more hard to deal with!! I don't wanna deal with that!! For the record, it's not dad the one that the memories are about, let's not throw accusations around, it's definitely not him, don't worry about it, but... Someone, somewhere, something!! I really don't wanna deal with it right now... Like I have so many things in my head, I don't wanna deal with that!! I mean... That's why was here in the first place after all...
I must say, writing this feels like a fever dream!! It feels like I'm writing some whacky story, not something that actually happened to me... Like I forgot how terrible this whole thing felt like, until I listened to a specific segment in Pressure Torture by Venetian Snares (which reminded me all those times I was crying because of this, I swear, this is deadass how I sounded like) and the hell sirens segment from Everywhere at the end of time with voices (which also reminded me all those weird roars Hallu would make when stressed, like, he sounded pretty much like this, Jesus Christ) and after I found entries in my diary saying "I wanna die" or "help" multiple times in a row, and then random things from Hallu I guess, like "I hate seeing this fucking face everyday, where is my real face WHERE IS IT??", "I hate this body, I wanna rip it apart, I wanna break free from this flesh prison" among other things... Overall... Just a big mess!! I can't believe that I made it out alive after this whole mess!! Just... Wow!!
Man, I don't feel like writing here for the rest of the week!! I don't wanna see this entry again, at LEAST for a whole month, just no, I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna look at it, just no, this file is lagging anyway, just no!!
- Miss Sunshine
Feeling: Confident yet afraid, happy yet sad, hopeful yet desperate, a lot of things!! Like I'm overall feeling fine (really good even), there are just a few things that make me anxious!!
Hiiii!! How are you all?? :) Well things have been going really well for me actually!! :D I've been better mentally and emotionally, and life has decided to calm down on me a bit!! Hallu has calmed down by a lot, so that makes me feel more calm as well, and he is starting to give in a little so that's good!! Also next session is in 6 days so I look forward to that!! I wanna finally heal and find some inner peace!!
Also I must say, today it's marked as the one week milestone of me finally putting my mind into it, and taking care of myself!! I'm talking about the most basic of basic, like taking my meds and feeding myself!! I know that it sounds basic to you, but to me it's seriously a giant step!! Like I didn't realise how important self care is until one day I couldn't stand feeling my body saying "I'm cold" so I turned on the heat and lied in bed, and at that moment, I got a warm fuzzy feeling, that was basically the body's way of saying "thank you"!!
When I got up again, I went into the kitchen and just saw my meds... They hit... different... I used to see my meds as the "I have a problem, so I must make it go away" thing, but now I was seeing them as the "I have a problem, so this right here is for taking care of it" thing!! Like it was then that I realised that my body is actually that needs to be taken care of and not something to rip apart!!
I've spent a good chunk of my life taking medicine for all kinds of stuff: my allergy, asthma, anemia, a few months ago cystitis and anemia again, probably in a few days for vaginitis, or just for the average flu!! So that, along with the other basic necessities ("I'm cold/I'm hot/I'm hungry/I'm thirsty/I'm sleepy") made me see my body, not as a part of myself, but rather something that was getting in my way!! Something that I must get rid of!!
I started viewing my body as something that was overly needy and constantly demanding of things, so eventually I asked myself "what's the point" so I started giving up... I started feeding myself less and ignoring my needs because by my logic "it will start asking again"!!
And then 13 year old me came along... Oh god!! Okay, I feel like I need to put a TW for this one because it's messed up, but at the same time idk for what... TW for self hate?? I guess??
Anyway, I turned 13... At that point I started seeing my body as something that I must destroy!! Something that I must break!! I've started having self hate sessions, where I would daydream about all the monstrosities I wanted to do to it!! Just... I would straight up daydream torture, ngl!! I would daydream things, and my body would cry as a response, or give me sensations like "you're hurting me!!/Stop!!/You're making me sad!!/This makes me feel unloved!!" And I would as a result try to make it feel WORSE!! God, I still feel that twisted happiness when my body stays hungry for too long!! That's how the it/its pronouns came up btw!! You've seen that I refer to my body as "it"!! It stayed from that!! Because to me "you're not a human being!! You're an object, a toy for me to beat up and break!! I must destroy you!!" Now that I think of it, that's also how the whole "you" thing started!! Because "you are not me, I don't wanna associate with you"!!
Things started escalating!! Instead of just ignoring my needs for a while, I ended up deliberately trying to make myself reach the breaking point!! I would try to starve myself and see how long it took me for me to pass out, or take a shower and sleep with the window open in the middle of winter with my blanket in the closet... Or wear less warm clothes so that I would go out and feel the cold... I was messed up for sure!!
So because of this, even to this day, taking care of myself is hard to do!! I'm so used to treating my body like shit, self love is really hard!! It's hard to outright say to myself "I love you"!! Because it feels... Odd!! And I don't like it!!
Disease is a wild thing, ngl!! It made me realise that "hey, my body is making all of this effort exclusively for me, so that I do everything I want to?? I literally have an entire army of white blood cells, doing all this work for me... It's amazing really!! And my body is so happy when I do things for it, it says thank you"!! It's so crazy when you finally realise that, it's just... wow!! It blows your mind!!
TW for gender dysphoria!! So now I try to take care of myself... Which is funny because now, the FuNkY bAcTeRiA that caused my cystitis were like "ayo, what if we moved"?? So a few days ago I kept feeling a mild pain in my lower half (again) and overall it felt like it was getting messed up, and it turns out... Vaginitis!! Nice!! Fuckers keep moving holes, like come on man!! I just finished dealing with cystitis, now this?? You can't stay here, my body doesn't like you!! End of TW!!
Anyway, physical health aside, I've also come in terms with the fact that I'm now becoming an adult... Which is really nice!! I kept feeling this deep anxiety about growing up and entering another phase in life!! I always saw this as this big scary thing that makes everything suddenly so different!! I told myself that it's okay!! I had the same anxiety about becoming a teen, and I eventually saw that there's nothing to worry about!! Growing up is a natural thing that happens and you have to let yourself flow with it and be calm!! There's no dramatic personality change going on with it, there's no sudden change in literally every aspect of life, everything is gonna go really smoothly if you relax and give yourself time... If you allow yourself to have some time, trust me, everything is going to be okay!! You don't have to worry much about it!! Relax and see where life gets you!! See it as a new thing happening!! You can now do things that you couldn't before!! You can try this or that!! You can do anything!! Trust me, it may be hard in the beginning, but once you get used to it, there's nothing to worry about, really!!
Another anyway!! I decided to reread my old diaries again, because my psychiatrist asked me if I wanna talk about them next session and I obviously said yes... And uuuuuhhh... It makes me feel a lot of things really!! Like you can clearly see after a certain point that I was NOT okay!! Not only that, but you can SEE that a child is writing this!! You can see from the words that there's a kid writing this!! But also, you can clearly see that Hallu has existed for a VERY long time!! Everything that I felt and said at that time, is showing up in Hallu now... I saw an entry, questioning if I'm actually a boy or at least a tomboy, or cringey ones about being a wolf stuck in a human body... Or MULTIPLE entries saying... Things that definitely hit... I also one saying how I outright HATED, everything cute, pink and glitter and just... Look at me!! Look at my website!! Not only that but a few days ago he OUTRIGHT said the same thing again, about how he hates those...
Ngl, it made me have a mental breakdown honestly!! Like I've realised that I've never been quite... okay, in the head!! So I kept feeling awful saying things like "I was always like this!!/It won't get better!!" and I'm just... wow!! Everything hit hard, because you can see how I was a literal KID and just... Being not okay!! It actually hurts once you've realised it...
But it's okay now!! It's okay!! I have gone to the psychiatrist, and everything is going to be okay!! She can see how Hallu's thought process works so she looks like she knows what to do!! I just need to talk about some things and everything is going to be okay!! It's going to be alright at the end, I'm sure of it!!
You know, I'm actually really glad that Hallu decided to make my life hell now!! I mean, he did it before as well, but the big deal was now!! I'm also kinda glad that the nightmare popped up 2 years ago and not earlier... Because I feel that this is the right time to do anything!! Not earlier, not later, now!! Now it's the perfect time!! Because now I can step back and see that something is wrong, without dismissing it as me being me!! And I'm glad for that, because through that I can ask for help!!
It's funny how one single night can change your entire life like this...
- Miss Sunshine
Feeling: ................. I don't know!! Sad?? But like... The drunk sad?? The "oh, I'm drunk so the pain isn't there but it also is, I'm just not looking at it" type of sad?? But not really?? Like I'm actually chill and even hopeful?? Idk man.... I haven't drank btw, don't worry!!
"WHY CAN'T I RUN FAST ENOUGH?? WHY CAN'T I ESCAPE THIS, WHY IS IT ALWAYS THERE EVERYWHERE I GO?? I DON'T WANNA LOOK AT IT, I DON'T WANNA LOOK AT IT, SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME, AAAAHHH!! NO, STOP IT!!"
Famous last words I told myself before Hallu told me that I'm making a lot of noise and made me shut the hell up!! Classic!! You know what, I wanna talk about this actually!! I don't know how he does it, but he does this weird thing where he makes me dissociate (I guess??) and that can range from either me becoming emotionally numb, to straight up immobilising me until he or someone else takes control... It's... It's like drugs actually!! Like straight up like your body is being pumped with narcotics, it's like anesthesia, I don't see a lot of people giving emphasis on that actually!! He's done it on others too, like Professor... Helps with the flashbacks I guess... Was that a flashback?? I don't know man... I don't know... If it is, ffs, this is the third time I'm being triggered from YouTube comments, this is absolutely stupid!!
But from the other hand it makes sense!! If you keep avoiding The Truth™ it's gonna come and get ya!! But I didn't expect my entire 5 month suffering being summarised in some YouTube comments, holy shit!! Damn, I just wanted to listen to "OMORI + OMORI-ALTER" and it ended up like this... Like it just hits different!! To put it simply, imagine that you have The Problem™!! You don't wanna look at it, you don't wanna deal with it, just NO!! This song (there are two, the video just had them together) and those comments is the equivalent of The Problem™ being a whip and someone whipping the everloving shit out of you with it!! Just... It's just like I heard his words, just ow!!
Dad asked me if I wanna go out on a walk with him... I said yes, maybe that will help me calm down a bit!! So we went to the river... I forgot that this town has a river, oh my god!! Hallu kept talking about how he would drown in here anytime!! He kept telling me to ask dad how deep it was!! 1 meter... Not that deep!!
But here's the deal!! It could be the emotional numbness he did to me earlier, but I didn't feel anything when he kept talking about this!! Most of the time when I'm dissociating and Hallu is talking to me, there's this tiny emotion sharing, where I can feel what he feels... And I felt nothing, hm!! As if... He was saying that just to scare me, like he didn't actually mean it!! Hmmmm... Which made me wonder... He gave me that little "surprise" back in the day... The one I discovered in chemistry?? Yeah, that one... It happened only once... In the past FIVE months... He keeps threatening me and saying stuff yet he doesn't do... More!! Not only that, but he actually tries to take care of the body when it's physically like shit!! Hmm, it's like... He doesn't want me to die or anything... Hmmmm!! It's like... The psychiatrist was actually right about how this guy is just scared and doesn't actually want me dead!! HMMMM... Is this why you kept being in constant anxiety when we were driving home Hallu?? Because you got found out?? Well... OOPS??
Anyway, after that we went to the supermarket... We bought all kinds of stuff, because this year we want to make the traditional sweets ourselves!! *shivers* Did you know that kourabiedes and melomakarona actually take 45 minutes of your life for just mixing the first few ingredients?? Damn!! No wonder we buy them!! Also did you know that they put ash in that, what?? They're so good though... Also dad wants to make his own vasilopita so I'm curious about that!! I wanna help on that actually, I really love vasilopita actually!! (AND SO THAT I KNOW WHERE THE FLOURI/COIN IS, MUAHAHAHA!!)
Fun fact, we were looking at the vegan types of milk in the aisle, and that's when I found out that both of my parents are actually lactose intolerant but none of them cares, lmao!! That makes so much sense actually!! I'm not intolerant myself, I tested it today by eating milk with cereal for breakfast and I was fine!! Professor though IS!! Like it was me and Professor back in August, and I decided to drink some milk because why not!! In the beginning it was fine, but 5 minutes later my body experienced The Horrors™ and Professor was looking at me scared as if he was saying "what the hell did you just do??" And no, the milk was not expired, I checked, it couldn't be more fresh!! Live footage of what happened next!! And yeah, that's how we both realised that Professor is lactose intolerant, lol!! Would be better if my parents said that though, just saying!! Just saying!!
Well, after that we went home and I've been thinking about all these... Just thinking... Definitely talking about that next session!! It's in two days thankfully!! So yeah, mostly that, I want to record that thing that happened yesterday so that I'll remember... Hopefully the psychiatrist will understand, but so far she's been extremely kind and understanding, so maybe I shouldn't worry about it that much!!
Now for Hallu... Hallu, I know that you're reading this, you said it yourself how you're going through my stuff and keep reading everything I write for masking purposes... Which is fine, I don't mind!! Anyway, what I'm trying to say is... I know that you're scared!! I know that you're hurting right now!! I just want you to know that it's okay!! It's okay to feel the way you feel, it's okay to react the way you react... I'm not mad at you!! I forgive you, I'm not gonna hold a grudge!! Though if there's a thing that I must say to you right now is... Help me!! For real, help me!! I have gone to the psychiatrist and I've told her everything, and if we want things to go forward, you must help me with that!! I know that you don't want this to keep going on forever, so for that, you must help me!! Help me get through this and I promise you, things will get better!! Don't try to sabotage my plans, don't try to lie to her, she knows everything!! So if you want things to get better, we must get along and help eachother!! So please.... Help me!!
As for you... Yes, YOU, the one who is reading this right now... I also need your help!! In the beginning I overstimated myself, but turns out that this is not something I can manage on my own!! I need your help as well!! Like I said earlier, Hallu reads these, THEREFORE, he knows this place and he knows about you!! Currently the whole world around me is pure STRESS and literally every day has some degree of anxiety in it!! This guy needs a place to de-stress and so far he has NONE!! None, because I can't really talk to anyone about this... Especially if your whole mindset is about hiding!! I can't for either obvious reasons or in the case of good ol' V... I don't wanna bother him, I want to look like a normal functioning human for once, I don't want to burden him, he already goes through a lot on his own these days, I don't want to make things worse!! Sure, I have the psychiatrist.... But that's not enough!! I need YOU!! Because you are here every day and you know what's going on, so if there's someone that would understand best, it's you!! So please... If you ever feel like something is off about me, or that it's not exactly "me" talking... Please be kind!! Help me show that this is an alright place to come out and talk to!! I can't make this man calm down on my own, I need you!! I know that this is an odd thing to adk for, and I know that I haven't asked for this type of favour in the past, but I really cannot manage this entire thing on my own!! So please... Help me!!
- Miss Sunshine
Feeling: Happy and excited!!
Omg, health hi guys!! :D Merry Christmas to all of you, how are you all doing?? Me?? Well, pretty good ngl!! ^^ To be honest though... I still don't know what I want as a gift... "But it's Christmas!!" Don't worry, over here we get the gifts from Santa on New Year's!! So I have one more week to decide!! I guess... I'm really not sure though!!
Since last entry, things have been going pretty good!! I've been prescribed aripiprazole for a while to calm things down, and that helped a lot, Hallu is more chill now!! Oh I'm being noisy Hallu, well UNO REVERSE CARD, now you shut up!! And because of that I'm also more chill so I overall feel better!!
In fact, I'm actually in a really creative mood now!! I feel like cooking and crafting tbh!! Like I've made with mom some galaktoboureko yesterday, and right now I feel like crafting a notebook or a diary!! Thinking of giving it to Hallu as a gift and as a way of saying "hey, these past few months things have been pretty hard, how about we get along now??" Oh, and ALSO!! That gift I said I'm gonna do, I did it, though I'm not gonna show it now because while I'm writing this, mom is waiting for me to do some stuff so uh... Yeah!! Will give it to you though, I promise!!
Overall things are going fine!! The mental breakdown is over, FOR REAL THIS TIME, the weather is nice, things have been going pretty well, I am better, you are better, everything is better!! That makes me happy actually!! Just... Peace!! I love peace, it makes you calm down!!
I must say though, thanks for bearing with me through the mental breakdown, it really means a lot!! I felt that I was annoying people a little and that I should shut up, but that didn't have the best outcome last time... *cough* 5 months *cough* Just... Thank you!!
Anyway, that's all pretty much what I have to say, hope that you all are having a very merry Christmas!! :)
- Miss Sunshine
