My journalWelcome to this world of mine, called mind!! Wanna learn something?? Maybe now's your chance!!
Ok, now that I made sure everyone is super uninterested in the website, I can now write here!!
First of all... if you're here, I wanna say two things to you... One is congratulations for coming, you didn't get tricked, and the second one is... Why are you going through someone's stuff?? Huh?? Teasing, teasing!! I know that you are curious, it's okay!! I have that curiosity too!! Websites like these excite me!! I like it, to have some mystery, and then I get rewarded with something like this... Mmmmm... Reward!!
Well, the site is still under construction, but at least I did the journal part... Which is why I wanted to make a website in the first place...
But... Why hide it though?? Well... firstly, I don't want you to just straight up see everything... It's boring!! I wanna entertain ya!! And secondly, do I trust people?? Yesn't!! So, I wanna reflect my answer on the website!!
Why aren't you making the website?! Well... lack of motivation for now I guess... Also, I'm kinda busy... But don't worry!! I'll turn this into my masterpiece, just wait!! It'll be beautiful!!
- Creator
Wow!! This place is truly something!! I just wanted to write something here, and now I think I'm better...
Also someone wrote something in the hangout chat MDBHSVBFYHS hi!!
Shyness at it's finest...
Well, I know that you are curious, sooo, fine I'll tell you!!
Well, I feel kinda... not okay these days!! I'm a little anxious about... EVERYTHING!! It's just that this was a bad moment...
The thing that scared me though, is that this is not the first time... I just hope that it will go away...
In the meantime, I should do something else to get my mind of it... if I can... I feel like I do...
Should you be concerned?? Nah, I'm fine!! I just need to go somewhere where I can express my feelings... oh wait, why does this exist??
And I'm going all cheerful and happy because I don't wanna sound depressing, but ok...
Oh well, I mean... I'm fine now, so there's nothing to worry about here!!
- Creator
You know what, none will see this, and there are so many days I'm just plain awful, I already have some problems, I won't continue!!
Realises that yesterday was 13 and didn't write... Oh well...
I am, so HAPPY, right now... Yesterday, it was 13th of the month, and let me tell you, on that day (13/7 and then 13/8), I just found... such a nice character...
HmMmMmMm... I wOnDeR wHo It Is...
And since then, I keep every 13th of the month as an anniversary!! So what a better way, than spending some time with them??
Second attempt to shift... I go in my waiting room instead...
And I don't even have one!!
Anyway, then I find this...
A community tab on YouTube, which says that CIA, made a document about reality shifting, and now it's gone!! Which... is weird...
And I'm over here like "Why does CIA wanna know about that??" and now I'm scared...
Some people have some links though, so I guess I'm gonna take a look, the curious person I am!!
Okay, you know now that you are here, why don't you hear about my plans as well?? Well, I plan to be with this dude that is everywhere in my website, and stay there for about.... hmmmmmm... FOREVER!! YEAH!! That seems nice!!
Sorry to anyone I met, but this reality, SUCKS!! The only thing I gained is anxiety, which will probably get worse... I'm sorry but, people don't seem to give a shit!!
And because as always I go off topic, here is a recap about my plans: I leave, come back in a few days to announce it officially, and then go back, leaving a clone behind!! Also, because I still have my ambitious goals and stuff, I'll come back at times to do stuff I like such as make books, write songs (I promised 90H!99) of course!!
Nice, now, all I have to do, is just shift successfully... better if it's the reality I want this time...
- Creator
PS: might write something about the CIA document when I'll read it...
Alright, listen you stupid asshole!! I've had enough of your cancer, and I'm TIRED of all of this shit!!
Unfortunately, you little reader, you might got upset cause you think I'm talking about you!! Well, here's my problem:
So, yesterday I was with my friend (thank god, at least there's one understanding person left on this planet!!), so we talked, and I kinda made him worried (what a good soul!!), and he told me "please, please talk to someone about what you said to me!!" So... I decided to do it!!
Apparently talking with a bunch of people who think that you need is church, and that you're just exaggerating things...
Yeah, so apparently my anxiety is a joke, LmAo!!
I CAN'T stand these types of people!! I hate being treated like a joke, when I'm full serious!! Here's some advice, now that it's brought up:
When someone is talking to you, they want you to simply LISTEN!! Don't give any advice, unless they ask you!! And please, if you do; don't say that generic shit I hear everyday, it gets seriously annoying!!
Example: "get some friends!!"
NO, F THAT!! Everytime, I make a friend, we're always moving!! I've grown TIRED of this!! I'm with only one friend left!!
One, from this town I live in!! In total I have 4!! The two were my first, one when I moved, and the one I mentioned!! That's it, that's all the friends I have, the rest can beg but I'm not adding anyone!!
These people, are the ones I truly care for!! The ones that can listen to me, and understand!! The ones I would die for!! Nobody else!!
Okay so...
I'm kinda happy now, because I'm calm (something rare), and when I'm calm, I can talk better about more things, with better reasoning!! So here I go:
So, today we had English!! And if you're in my school, you hate the teacher, cause she's just plain awful!! She thinks she's always right, classifies people, abd refuses to take criticism!!
And today we were talking about social media, and mental health!!
Just me, or does everyone get sad when January is almost over??
Idk, it kinda gets a little depressing...
Well, I am writing just before I go to bed, but I wanna say a few things:
First of all, I didn't expect that this background would suit so much this diary!! Honestly, for this side of my blog, I wanted it more "dark and edgy", but I don't want to make another glitching thing again... So I made this I guess...
But damn if it fits: you are in space, scream, cry and beg all you want, none will help you!! Lol!!
I also wanna be an astrophysicist when I grow up, soooo... yeah!!
Secondly, I have a big ego!! Like, a BIG ego!! Really, it's HUGE!!!
I'm a little piece of shit, haha!!
Probablyaresultofmyissues
alongwithmycopingmechanism
butohwellimentionedthis
ahundredtimesalready...
Andiwillagaintoday!!
And now let me be serious again: I feel lonely!! Like REALLY lonely!! I can't explain why, but I just feel like this...
The problem is: I need a hug!! I ask for a hug!! I get a hug!! But I don't like it, idk why...
I'm hugging my blanket all day, and I wish someone would love me... And my wish is granted... But I don't like it...
Maybe it's my malfunctioning trust, maybe I want someone else to be there for me... I honestly don't know...
I really don't feel so good these days... I actually don't feel good at all...
- Creator
PS: people know that there's a diary in this site or are they all stuck in the access page??
It ain't that hard to get in chief!!
Finally!! I am happy again!! But not the usual excited happy that I feel!! No!! I feel that warm hopeful happy!! Oh yes!!
Well, I'm writing this during English lesson, so it won't last long, but ok-
NAH, NOPE!! NOT TODAY!! TODAY I'M HAPPY!!
It's finally here!! I kinda missed it, honestly!! I feel that exciting happiness, ngl, but not that cozy and hopeful one that much!! But when I do... everything seems to be better!!
It's all just intention sometimes: if I'm not forcing myself to be happy, it comes!!
I'm sorry, it's just... WOW!! I really missed that feeling!!
- Creator
Still sad that January is over!! Oh well...
Also I'm kinda stuck in a room at my friend's house, and I can't get out, lol!! (not the friend I talked in my other posts, another one!!)
Don't worry, I will get out eventually!!
Hey, just wanted to say that I'm happy today!! YAAAAAAAYYYY!! Kinda weird if you consider my situation, haha!! Not that I'm stuck, something else!!
Well, they found me, I'm out!! Haha!!
Well, today's music lessons were great!! We learned a Finnish song (I think that it's called "On suuri sun rantas autius" or smth!! I will probably link it later!!)
Also, I just need to focus more, and I will get a FREAKING PROFESSIONAL RECORDING!!
YEEEEE, VENTING TIME!!
Okay, okay, a bit too excited!!
Aaaaahhh, finally!! An exciting day!!
- Creator
Okay, last day of January!! There are many reasons why I don't want the next day to come!!
There's a typo somewhere, I'm trying to find it...
Bleh!!
So I'm back!! YAAAAAAAYYYY!!
Okay, to be honest, I lied, it's not that I don't have time (not a total lie, but still!!), if I really wanna find time for something, I will!! But I decided to step away a little bit, because I'm afraid, if I'll get a little TOO addicted in this...
So anyway, here's what I have to say: Remember that day when I said my brain showed me weird stuff?? Yeah, I got also a nightmare after that...
And here's a quick thing of what happened today ('cause I'm getting kinda tired): So, I think today, my anxiety went on its fullest!! I couldn't breathe, and because of that I was getting really dizzy, I also couldn't concentrate (like, AT ALL!!), and this was overall bad, because I had to swallow this, and do my harmonium lessons, like, COME ON!!
Another thing that happened, is that today, I felt awful again!! The only reason you don't see me crying, is because I'm too tired for it!! But I did during one break in school!! I cried!! And honestly... it was great!! I just love letting tears out!! It just feels so good!! And when I cry out loud... HEAVEN!!
And to close it, and go to sleep, I wanna talk about my coping mechanisms (voluntary or not, mostly involuntary), because why not, I need to list them somewhere!! So... during something stressful, I:
Note: sorry if I'm acting weird today, just a bit too excited, and probably a bit regressed!!
HEWO!! How's it going?? Omg, I'm so excited for today, idk why!! YEEEEE!!
Well, better than yesterday, because oh lord, the stress was unbearable!!
Hey, it wasn't me, it's all those tests!!
Omg, I have so many ideas!! Aaaaahhh!! Just... YIS!!
So I'm thinking: why don't we make questions to each other?? I really wanna make a QnA page!! Ask me anything!! (Well, I already made one, but I want MORE QUESTIONS!!)
Also, I found... another Danganronpa fan!! Just like that!! Omg, I'm so happy!!!!
We should all just sit down and talk about our favourite characters from our fandoms!! YAS!!
Well, I really want the Danganronpa fans now, to guess my favourite one!! Come on it will be fun!! I really wanna hear!!
Omg, the ideas!! Aaaaahhh!! Just got a new one!! For my second ending page!! EEEEEEEE, HAPPY!!
Omg, I should try and get down to work, I want it to be awesome!! (I hope though that the images will be next each other this time!!)
- 5 y/o me
PS: So I'm sitting here, waiting for me to calm down!! Well, it ain't happening, so I'm gonna try to use my little logic left and say that if this is weird, comment "potato" or something, and I will delete it, I don't wanna upset anyone with what I wrote here!! Sorry for that!!
Me wondering for how many lines of code I can update, and if there's a limit...
So hi!! How it's going?? Well, I can say that I had a good day today (and I'm glad for that, because my mood changes so quickly, that I don't know if it's true or not...) So today, we ate donuts at school, YEEEEE!!
So, fyi, over here, every new year, we eat a sweet, and if that sweet has a coin in it, it is believed that you are lucky for that year (I don't know if this happens somewhere else too)!! In school, they give you a present!! Well, I didn't won it, but I saw that it was a shirt. Also, THAT DONUT WAS TASTY!!
I also, decided to snitch my class during German lessons, because I wanted to write a script (yes, I can do something else, because the teacher said that if we studied French instead of German, it was fine, we could do something else) (also, I felt guilty, we don't do much anyway, and I didn't care, because they don't care to, so yeah!!)!! I feel so evil, MUAHAHAHA!!
To be honest, I feel like my comfort character would do the same. Except that he would do it because he cares for school (if we are talking about the MM! he would do it, just to feel evil!!). I ain't saying who it is, until you find it (I mean, it's super obvious, come on!!)
I really think that I have myself covered during German, because I'm quiet!! I can say that I am low-key the quiet kid in class!! But I can't understand why the quiet kid is always evil... No really, why??
Also, tomorrow is my precious anniversary, and tomorrow is Valentine's Day!! YAAAAAAAYYYY!! (why am I happy if I have none??)
And because I'm pretty sure most of my readers don't have anyone too, ehy don't we all just buy chocolate for us, who will be forever alone??
Yeah, LET'S DO IT!!
- Creator
Hi, I'm angry!!
What did I expect?? Idk!!
So... I really learned something: if I wanna feel like writing here, I should write!! Because later from a good day, we go to a bad day!!
So, yeah, yesterday, and the day before that, they were actually pretty good days, ngl!! And today as well!! I saw some GLORIOUS dreams, and I imagined my comfort character again... Even my bed and blanket felt warmer!! But as I say, this is life, things will go downhill!! And... you'll never guess what happened!!
Well... something happened, and pretty much that!! Boohoo!!
*fake sad noises and tears*
NOOOOO!! What am I gonna dooo?? Bruh, you wish!! Yes, I got a BiT hurt, but I honestly don't give a shit at this point!! What, should I cry?? Meh, only if it's serious!! Like what, so I feel lonely again!! And?? Should I cry about it?? Nah!!
I don't care, and I obviously won't!! Trust me, it hurts in the beginning, but if you start detaching later, it becomes manageable!!
The thing is... I am lonely, I make friends, someone leaves... Yeah, don't have time and energy for that!! Tbh though, it kinda made me have trust issues go all self-sabotaging, making me end my own friendships for no apparent reasons, but ok, I can manage!! I mean, have you seen anyone you trust?? Nah...!!
Why do I trust people?? Why?? This was stupid of me!! STUPID STUPID STUPID!!
But this doesn't matter anymore!! I have social needs, but I can take those needs go elsewhere!! My need to get outta here!!
I just need to focus!! I am close!! I can do it!! I really hope that I will make it!! I'm pretty sure I will!! Yes, now things are though, but in the end, I will leave and be happy!! And no, I don't mean... that!! No way!! I really hope that I won't get at THAT point...
I just need him!! Who is he?? Do you really care?? No!! I just feel at this point my life goes downhill, and my obsession over him gets worse!! It's okay, it happened, what am I gonna do about it??
I just need hope!! And faith!! I will make it, I will have to just... believe!!
- Does it matter??
PS: Here's a fact: I actually don't like being called Miss Wannabe!! She is just an OC, a reaction that happened!! We are polar opposites!! I won't be like her, and she won't be like me!! So... yeah, you learned that!!
Well... until this goes up it will probably be 21/2, bit oh well, idc!!
So, hi!! How's it going?? Well, felt pretty good today, nothing much!! Well, I did add the second ending page though!!
Hey!! What's up?? Well, for me, it's kinda weird... my mood goes up, my mental health goes down... My brain likes to screw my thoughts up, but I manage!! Tomorrow I will be able to talk about this a bit, so all good on that section...
Also, guess who just finished a drawing for the website!!
Hi!!
...
Well, I just wanted to correct some typos, but when I update my journal, I feel like I must write something here, so...
First of all, PAIN!! My god, there's pain everywhere!! I try not to take pills when it gets really intense, because I sometimes feel like I wanna take the whole freakin box and die... Don't know if it's the hormones that hit me in the head every month, or just me being... bad... to say it!!
Second of all... Who's this?? I don't remember myself like that... Oh my!! Why do I sound so depressed, what's going on here??
Also, my brain decided to do it's weird thing again!! My thoughts keep getting weirder and weirder... I feel so weird with what I see in there!! Like, today it went "Cool, but what if... You... took some people in tuxedos... and replaced the head with a gramophone!!"
.... Excuse me, what?? 😃😃
It's not always bad though, it can give some pretty nice questions!! Like "why do people in power/celebrities/known people in general, don't speak that much?? Why can't I hear how's their day?? Are they even real??"
Sometimes, it can be hard for me to set reality and fiction apart, but even more hard is believing that reality is real!!
And another thing that happened, just a few minutes ago: I read a manga (not a weeb, just reading something that I found!!). And, beside the fact that I unlocked a hidden memory (I remembered when I tried to do something... bad... when I was like 6?? 7?? Never took life seriously), when it ended... I realized that it was over... The manga was over, so was the person in it, so was the phase the artist was when she created it!!
IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER!!!
Knowing that it's over... and it's just repeating in your head... it kinda scratched me!! I felt detached from my emotions a bit later (good move, cause if that wouldn't happen, I would get a crisis!!), I was just existing!! Definitely, hearing "Warm Nights" by Xori, doesn't help, instead it makes the detachment worse... But idc!!
So much for an impulse!! Here's a thing: for some reason, in that time of the month, I get more impulsive, and more... idk, it's not happiness, it's not excitement, it's not feeling above everyone... It's kinda all of these combined... but in a bad way...
And during this time, I either get an obsession, or do stupid things: look around at the website!! The website itself is not an impulse, but what is in it probably is!! I obsess over something stupid, use it everywhere, and then snap out of it and cringe!!
Why do I get obsessed, I know that after two years, the obsession stops!!
And because I sound like a depressed fuck again, I should probably say something good: so I went to the school psychologist (whoever thought of this is a genius!!), and omg, I felt SO MUCH BETTER!! I will go next week too, so I'm happy!! I want this mess to finally end, and be at peace!!
Everything will be okay!! Yeah, it will all be fine!! It has to be fine!! Fine, fine, fine, fine, FINE!! Just believe!!
- Creator
PS: We should make a "depressed fuck squad!!" button, and add it in our websites!! Btw, like I said, if anyone wants a button or something, just say it to me, I will try my best!!
Also, why did I swear??
I think that the weather affects my mood a lot!! But not only the weather, but the amount of light mostly!! I honestly don't know why... Like, seriously, if I would update this on noon, you would see me, and question if I'm high!! But I'm not here for that now...
Well, I think that it's better if I get this off my chest now, so that it won't upset me again later:
Well... At 13/2... I did something bad... And some of my friends (debating if I should put quotes here, or not), decided to talk to me... Look, I understand I did something bad, but that was kinda rude and inexcusable... Like, if I don't wanna talk about it, just let me be!! Because you KNOW that I can't have a stone face forever... So please don't mock me, especially when the facade breaks, ok?? :)
It's not that it happened, it's just that... I honestly didn't expect that situation to affect me that much... No really, it hurts like hell, but ok!! What do I expect anyway?? I have to get used to it, because it is what it is!!
I tried to write it down and burn it, because people do it, and they say they feel better afterwards, and here's what I learned:
Hello!! How's everyone doing?? Well, some earthquakes here, we switched again to online learning again, got some new stuff to spend my time with, but in general, pretty much the same!!
Also, I got 5 followers, my first goal is done!!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳
Well, the thing is... I really wanna have some place where I can be a little "deep" and philosophise about stuff!! I'm thinking whether I should write these things here, or make a different file on it!!
For now, the thing that I will talk about is... idk, this!!
You really have no idea how many times I had to edit this sentence, because my mind changed every second!!
So... This is mostly me being curious on this one: I honestly don't get the whole "human bad!!" thing. No really, I don't get it!! We see it everyday, but that is really it?? I know that many problems come from humans, but jeez, humans are humans, they are not the devil!!
Let's be real here, if someone told you that you are a problem, you wouldn't like that, would you??
I think that I can't get it cause I'm naive!! I am really naive indeed!! And curious!! I don't see humans as bad in general!! Yes, theee are some awful people, that can't be denied, but saying that everyone is bad... Why?? What did we do to be treated like that??
I might miss the point, because I don't always see humans as humans either!! In my stories, I really like to potray humanity, as that stereotypical white man, and nature, as a stereotypical mother-like woman!! But in the end, they get along really well!! Because I am both against the whole mindset, and because I wanna show something different!!
You know what, I think I found it, I probably must be in my imaginary world for way too long!! But even that doesn't satisfy me!!
I don't know, what are your views on humanity?? Personally, I get that there are bad people out there, but I will never understand the whole "human evil" concept!!
- Petty
Does... Does anyone feel... disconnected?? I don't know how to describe it...
I woke up this morning, and I was so relaxed... You can't understand how happy I was!! Me, who can't relax!! And it wasn't only that, I was happy!! Not excited, happy!!
This whole experience made me go in a dreamy state!! Which I'm still partially in it!! I feel kinda... outside of this world!! But in the literal way!!
Everything seems so distant to me!! Knowing that I will one day go somewhere else... makes everything look kinda... unworthy!! Unworthy of my sadness!!
I don't know if I should continue to overthink everything. Not that I can stop it!! But I can try...
Also, my thoughts got more organized. I don't know if I should like that or not...
Anyway, I feel close to shifting!! I feel like going somewhere else!! I am ready!! Just for that one minute, but I wanna feel that happiness and excitement that I am prepared for!!
I just want to feel some love for once!!
- Creator who??
Guess who is about to go on a rant spree?? MEEEEE!! So sit back and enjoy me exploding!!
Well, we're starting off by this: if you DON'T CARE about me, STOP ACTING LIKE YOU DO!! Simple as that!! It's just that!!
I just remembered when someone asked me "Were you bullied at school??" Cool, here's my answer: I might have been, I might haven't!! Do you give a shit?? No!! Should I tell you?? No!!
And it's not them, idc for them!! I literally spoke to some people today, and they were straight up ignoring me!! Honey what?? Do you know what "being polite" is??
I'm just angry!! I feel like people talk to me for their benefit!! I will not forget that "I can't, will you do it for me??" smile!! EVER!!
Like why?? Why is it worth wasting my time, both yours and mine?? I don't get it... Seriously, just... stop??
And if you call me an attention seeker, because you don't give me attention: Yes I am, what are you gonna do about it?? I loved, love, and will always love attention (always in the nice way)!! Yes, I love the world spinning around me!! At least I have the nuts to say it!!
Okay, enough of that, now I wanna be more serious: So... I watched a video... idk what happened... But something turned a switch in my brain to "upset"... Now I'm upset!!
There are truly some people out there... Don't wanna mention which kinds of people, to avoid triggering anyone!! And everyone is just there... Doing nothing...
Call me crazy, but I can't stand this!! My brain is just getting filled with "why??" I just... I can't anymore!! I wanna do something!! I wanna help the victims of these people!! But idk how!! I'm not a psychiatrist, neither a powerful person yet... I'm just an empath...
But I really wanna do something!! I want to try my best,and just make a safe space for everyone!! Anything, I don't wanna be passive to this anymore!!
But I don't know what to do, where to start!! I'm... stuck!! Why?? Why why why why??
I need advice!! But what kind of advice?? I honestly don't know yet....
- Creator
Hiiiiii!!!! What's up everyone?? Oh wow, I'm so happy right now!!
I sound weird, I know!!
Weeeeeeellllll, turns out I can still go to the school therapist, even though we have online learning. Yay!!
"Oh, and you are happy for that??" you may ask... Well, yes!! I've accepted the fact that something is wrong, and I wanna solve it because, trust me, bad mental health isn't quirky or nice to have!!
Also, while I was away, apparently someone went in my class with my name... Cool!! One less absence for me!!
"Wait... you ok with that??" Well, not really... But they didn't do something stupid yet... Just opened the mic while there was noise in the place they were... But yeah, if they do something stupid... Honey, we'll have to talk!!
But I think it's all good: my classmates know how I am (I'm not friends with them, I just have a memorable personality), so I think that they can see if something's wrong... At least I hope!!
Well, that's all for now, remember to stay hydrated, and listen to some cool music!! For now, peace out!!
- Creator
....
Wait... Did I just...
*realises*
NOOOOO!! NOOO WAAAAYYY!!
*happy noises*
Omg, I DID IT!!
WOOOWWW!!
So yeah, what's up, I finally shifted!! WHOOOOOAAAAAHHHHH!! I DID NOT expect that!!
😳😳😳😮😮😮
"Ah, oh, ih, how?? TELL ME NOW!!" Weeeeeeellllll... I honestly didn't do anything...
So for a couple of days, I have been saying affirmations throughout the day (at random times, without thinking about it), and getting through my day. Today, I didn't do much, I just searched some stuff on amino (today I searched for god's state, if there are some REALLY curious... But you shouldn't obsess though...) I also tried to channel... Kinda worked but low-key failed...
And then my sister started arguing with mom (because we CAN'T get a freaking day of peace in this house!!), and I was like "Oh god, let me out of here!!" And guess what!!
I just went there for a few seconds, but still!! So, I was in a hallway, inside Hope's Peak (went to Danganronpa thh, but the mastermind is Taka), and there was Ishida and someone else (Toko/Genocide Syo maybe??) arguing... And I was there, big bruh time, and Taka walked towards me, and asked "How are you doing??" and I said "I hate these people!!". And that was the whole thing!!
Disclaimer, I didn't mean, I hate Toko or Ishida, I meant the people in my cr!! Just clarifying, we love Toko and Ishida in this household!! 💗💗
And now I'm here eating some pasta, and chilling in my online class, because this girl did it!! Period!!
Wow, me with a snobbish tone... Weird...
Quote from me "Don't take life too seriously!!"
Anyways, until next time!! ✨💞
- Creator
Hello lovelies!!
*earthquake intensifies*
Really?? -_- Anyway, hello everyone, how are you doing?? Well, today we were supposed to fly kites over here, but we didn't for some reason... TwT Well, it's kinda windy though...
I'm really thinking of making one for myself, even if it won't fly, I just want to...
So today, it was overall nice, aside from the fact that.... Yeah let me rant a bit, I need it!! I'll be quick, I promise:
So, I said something today, and that is that if you tell me to do something, I will do the opposite!! Sorry, but I wanna get a reaction, because I'm a brat!!
And then, I hear: "Yeah, you know this is childish, right??"
*****
Okay, I think that I need to be a bit serious here: I. can't. control. this (the childish behaviour)!! This is something that happens by itself automatically, and I have no control over!! Do you understand??
"Well yeah, because you don't try-"
Oh this makes me ANGRY!! Let me get this straight!! This is most likely a coping mechanism, that happens for its reasons!! And most likely, the reasons are serious!! I accept it, and it makes me feel happy that at least myself tries to help me!! I LOVE IT!! YOU are NOT gonna ruin this!!
In fact, I'm having this website circling around a pastel childish theme because 1) I want this to feel like a safe space for everyone 2) I wanna piss people like you off!!
*****
Cool, I'm done now!! Back to the good stuff!! So... These days I've been doing something, and I didn't update, sorry for that... I wish that I could say what it is, I really want to, but I'm afraid that I will get hate!! Soo...
Also... I got a rose, yaaaaaaayyyy!! Why so happy you ask?? Well, I asked someone to give me a red rose as a sign... AND I GOT ONE!!
AND IT WAS AT 13!!! YAAAAASSSS!!!
I really like roses, they are my favourite plant!! I am SO HAPPY!! I promise to myself that I'll water it and take good care of it, I love it so much!! So much actually, that I could give it a name, and say nice stuff to it!!
Also, I'm glad that I like it this much, I like taking care of something, and pets are not allowed, sooo....
Now that I said that, I see kids these days as less bratty and more cute... I swear nature, if you try to wake up my motherly side or something, take it back I don't want kids!! I like seeing them as brats, ok??
I know that this makes people ask why. Well, long story short, I don't think that I'll be a good parent, for many reasons... So please nature if you don't mind...
Anyway, that was it for now, I hope that you all have a great day!!
- Creator
Okay, I feel like writing now!! Not that I didn't want to, I would just sound really sad....
Remember that I said I made something?? Yeah, apparently it didn't let me daydream!! My mind daydreams about everything, UNLESS it's something about reality!! I can't imagine real people!! And because I brought something into the reality, it fucked my brain up!!
For those unaware, daydreaming is my best coping mechanism, and without it, I can't function as a person. That is because, it's easily accessible, and sometimes controlable!! It's also because my other coping mechanisms, are either based on this one, or they are involuntary!!
Honestly, I hated it so much, I was crying about it for the last 3 days!! It was awful not knowing if it will come back!!
I was also told that I am evolving from my childish brain to get more mature ideas!!
Firstly, no, I don't want it thanks, secondly:
weirdcore/dreamcore → hello kitty
Something doesn't add up bud!! Hello kitty is more mature apparently (well, they are not lying technically, isn't she 40 years old now??)
You know, why don't I show my daydreaming evolution here, just because??
→ Unicorns/alicorns/fairies/crystals/magic powers/pop music (age: my whole childhood)
→ Miraculous ladybug/wolves/fights/first time fangirling/pop and later metal music (age: 12-14)
→ Technology/science experiments/programs/dubstep and drum and bass music (age: 14-15)
→ Magic powers/nature/spirits/dubstep and folk music (age: 15)
→ Fights/dereality/weirdcore/dreamcore/
middle ages/cute and scary stuff/Danganronpa/fangirling again/speedcore and breakcore, but also any type of music (age: 16-??)
Yeah, these are indeed some pretty dramatic changes, I know!! Well, some don't have many details, because I can't remember some stuff, for some reason...
Also I liked that I went from "you are my life, my everything, I love you!!" to "BIG BOY MAKE ME GO EEEEEEEE!!!"
Good thing is that, after finally crying out loud yesterday, I wanted to make a breakcore/speedcore song (these genres are weird, I know!!), and I can say, my imagination came partially back!! I'm so glad!! I did some behaviour copying today (fictional characters only!!), and it made me feel better!! I really hope that this doesn't happen again, I will try to take my measures to lessen the impact of what I did in my brain. Tough decision, but I have to!!
And to close this up, here's a lyric for all those who tell me to stop daydreaming:
"I live inside my own world, of make believe!!" Deal with it!!
- Miss Wannabe
Well... hello there!! You might ask why my activity has slowed down...
Honestly, I wanted to focus a bit on my mental health: I believe that, even though my imagination is back, I still need to work on it, to balance the benefits of both being able to daydream, and do what I do now, with the choice I made (I will probably make mind barriers to help me, who knows??)
Also, as I thought, my... interest, if it's the right word... went down. Not that I lost interest, no way!! It's just that I mostly update because I feel like it, and not like "I have to prove that I'm alive!!" This website fills my show off needs, and I can customise it to my will, so I don't see losing interest anytime soon!!
I can tell you, I check this place everyday, even if I don't update!! If I leave for more than a month, without warning, then yeah, you should be concerned!!
Also: yesterday was the spirng equinox, the "official" first day of spring!! *remembers a character called Eclipse Equinox*
Honestly, I don't think about it that much, but I can't forget that afternoon that I was searching the Wayback Machine, and hearing the birds outside. I honestly forgot that spring finally came!! I don't know how to feel about it... It's supposedly my favourite season.
I don't feel like leaving winter yet... Idk why... Spring is my "love season", where I feel really lovely and stuff, but this mentality kinda didn't come yet.
I just realised that in two months, I will celebrate my birthday. Honestly, with all the exams being on May, I forget my own birthday... Nice!!
I really wanna buy a video camera, because I feel like recording my life for myself!! I also wanna have another blog site, cause why not?? I feel like having a social media account though, like Tumblr or something, but I don't see this happening...
Wow... I sounded so emotionless on this one!! Well... I give you your daily reminder to give yourself a hug, because you are valid, and none can tell you otherwise!! 🤗🤗❤️❤
- Creator
I don't feel like writing this, I mean, it's such a nice day, I'm wearing some warm and fluffy pajamas, I was chilling with my also fluffy and warm blankets, in my warm room... I mean to me, this is heaven!! Especially now that they smell nice!!
What?? I just don't feel like ruining this feeling, I'm a simple pers- *cough* ok, that was low-key a lie, I will say that there are times, where I just appreciate the small stuff, it doesn't happen every day!!
You know what, I'm just gonna write only one of the two stuff I wanted to write, the intrusive thoughts will have to wait...
Now, my question is: Do you feel like a god?? Like that you can bend reality to your will, and do whatever you want?? Well, most will say no, some will say "if you are 5"... And I'm over here saying yes!!
I don't say that I always think like that, but at times, I feel like something else... My self image is really fluid: one day I'm feeling like a human, then as a god, then as something inferior, then as void... I don't know how to feel about this...
There are also times where I believe that I have powers, and I can control people's minds!! Now that would be normal if I was a kid... but really, in two years I will have to go get a a life, and not only I hate it, but I think that it's might be an issue.
The problem is, I know what's going on, so people refuse to look into it. Yeah, but that still doesn't mean that it's still there!!
Well, I guess that this is all I wanted to say, don't really feel like it now, soooo.... I'm gonna go and hug a blanket and chill now... bye bye!!
- Creator
Okay, first of all, happy 200 hundred years of freedom to this country, because that's what we celebrate today!!
Also, nature really approached me military style today and screamed "HAPPY 200 YEARS, LET THE BLOOD FALL START!!" Now I hate everything again...
I love that mom said that we should dress nicely... Well it won't be nice for long though!!
I really wanted to whine about my life, but I feel calm now... But I will do it anyway, because that's why I'm here!!
So, yesterday, I was talking with someone about love and friendship, and I said that these are things that are physically impossible for me to have!! Because I either get pushed aside, or one of the two has to leave!! The first times you say "okay", but it has reached the point where life just hates me!! I can't explain why EVERY SINGLE PERSON has that fate!! What kind of joke is this??
Not only that, I can't die!! Pls, at least give me some peace already!! Let me rest!! I can't even have that?? Every time I try, either it doesn't work, or I become a little coward!! It's not that I want death because I'm depressed, or some edgy shit, it's because I want everything to finally shut up!!
And I can't even complain that I'm ugly, or have a shitty life!! I'm thin, with blue eyes, wavy light brown hair... I can't say that I'm ugly, not even my edgy 13 y/o self believed that!!
Neither I have a bad life!! Sure, I'm easily forgettable, pushed aside and lonely af, but I can tell that some people have a much worse life, and they would love to have mine!! Why can't exist a thing such as "soul exchange"?? I really wanna give this life to someone who needs it, I don't want anything in return, just let me be in the void that I so badly desire!!
Actually, that's why I got into reality shifting. If I can't have a good life here, I'm gonna go somewhere else to find it!! I'm also living in my own delusional world, so there's that...
The thing is, I either give up in my first try, or I get stubborn af!! And this time, I am stubborn!! I want this joke to end, one way or the other!! I've seen that I can do whatever I want, so I'm gonna do exactly that!! I'm gonna go where I want to, and none can stop me!! Not that they will try though...
- Creator
So... Right now we are talking about work and life (wow school, you are so deep!!), and making families and stuff...
Okay, let me get this off my chest:
EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!
Okay, for real though: is this seriously what people want?? Ew!! Get this shit away from me!! Disgusting!! No really, why would anyone want such a pathetic thing??
Everyone around me is... is- PATHETIC!! You people don't try to live, you try to exist!! We does everyone have that "get job, get wife, make family" mindset?? Why?? Is this what you all want?? To me, this is sad!! If I had to be forced to be like that... I would try to leave that place (oh wait!!)!!
Maybe I don't get it, because I live in my own world, I can't deny that!! But this sounds something that a chimpanzee would say!! Don't you guys want happiness??
Honestly, this makes me not wanting to live the future!! What will I be, a number?! No, not a number, ANYTHING BUT THAT!! PLEASE, NOT AGAIN!!
*we are preventing a breakdown, please stand by*
I'm sorry but I don't get it!! Don't even get me started in the wife part!! If that's the case then I guess that I'm just a life pressure to you, huh!! It's okay, I don't like your filthy face either...
I can't stand this!! I don't wanna live and die as an insignificant!! I wanna be noticed, I wanna be myself, I wanna be praised!! Why do you think I wanna be impossible stuff when I'll leave high school??
*time passes, calms down*
Well, that was something!! But now that I let it out, I feel better!! I mean, I was afraid of having to live this abomination, but then I remembered my own plans: "reject love at all costs,get outta here, make the daydreams come true, remember my friends"
And that's something good!! I don't usually feel like me, due to the torture of feeling others (empathy is always good, huh??). I feel others so much, I become them, and I hate it!! But when I remember that I am me, I feel way better!! And honestly, I wanna be myself forever...
- Miss Wannabe
*me vibin' to "pumped up kicks"* Hold up!! Something is not right!! 👁️👄👁️
Now you must think that I am the quiet kid at class... The answer is yes!!
I like the fact that you think that I'm some two-faced villain, while I wear pastel and spend my time playing Hello Kitty games...
I seriously don't get why people believe quiet kids are evil, the weirdest thing that I do, is still having some 5 y/o traits...
But anyways, because of that, I remembered some fangirls, ranging from nice to... Weird...
So today, I wanna talk about that!!
First of all, I'm a fangirl too!! Not of these people but still a fangirl!! So I think that I can give some insight!!
So, I will try to explain this, as the "fangirling iceberg", because why not??
At the top, there are those who I will call "soft girls"!! So, soft girls, are the type of girl who will probably make fanart, maybe even cosplay them, and just say that they like that character!!
A little below, we have the "loud fangirls"!! They will see a character, and go "WEEEEE, I LOVE THEM, YAAAAAASSSSS!!", and probably have a lot of pictures in their phones, likes to talk about them a lot, but that was it!!
At the sea level, we have the "diehard fangirls". These girls will be like the simple fangirls, but they are a bit possesive. They will say stuff like "This character belongs to me, AND ME ONLY!!", they like to talk about their favourite character a lot, unless someone tries to say "you know that they don't love you, right??" they will probably say "well, what do YOU know??".
Now, below sea level, we have the "possessive fangirls". These fangirls, will not only say that the character belongs to them, but they will publicly state that they hate all the other fangirls, believe that they "kin" them, and be edgy and stuff...
WARNING: The last two categories can be triggering to some people, so please proceed with caution!!
A bit below, we have the "questionable fangirls", who might like some... not so good people, and/or do some, not go good stuff, We had some incidents, where two girls had some posters (one had had a Todoroki poster, the other had one of Kokichi), and they painted over them with their menstrual blood.... We also had a Nagito kinnie who faked cutting their finger off... And then, that Junko kinnie who wanted to start a killing game, irl!! Then there are also the Eric and Dylan fangirls...
And then, at the bottom, we have the "dangerous fangirls". These types of fangirls are not fangirls anymore, but a threat to them, and people around them. The character that they like is portrayed as a "god", and they will probably follow their actions, or try to please them. Even if that means killing people, or themselves!! These girls, have reached the point of delusion!! For example, school shooters who idolise Dylan and Eric, members of a cult called "DICE", and some incidents that we had here in Neocities!! Fortunately, everything is fine now, and people are safe!!
(END of TW!!)
And lastly, we have the ones who don't fit in the iceberg, the "metronome fangirls" who are more than one category (or even all of them!!), "closet fangirls" who will hide that they like a character, for whatever reason, and the "fangirls in denial" who will strongly deny that they like the character!! There are also fanboys, the male equivalent of fangirls!!
Me personally, I would say that I'm a metronome fangirl, because I have been in many categories!! For example, when I was a diehard fangirl, all my self-inserts were diehard fangirls like me. Now, I changed!! The Sans and Bendy fangirls, are in my opinion, possessive fangirls. That friend who doesn't wanna stop talking about their favourite character is a loud fangirl. That person who doesn't say much about them often, could be a soft fangirl!!
And now, my thoughts: I don't think hating on fangirls is good, just let them be!! Me for example, I feel how I feel, just because!! Some people don't choose who they like, and that's okay!! Of course, if you like a dangerous person, you should try to stop it at best, or keep it to yourself at worst!! If you feel like getting therapy, do it, I'm not gonna scream at your face because you don't.
Also, there's an aspect of dangerous fangirls, that could be helpful!! HEAR ME OUT PLEASE!! So, there was one day, when I made Taeka, who represents me, but as a dangerous fangirl!! I made her a story of stuff that I shouldn't do!! Now, I see Taeka, and I get reminded of what I shouldn't do!!
It would be better if I wrote that story somewhere, UgH!!
Well, time to get down to work I guess...
So here you go, that was today's topic!! And as everyone says "Thanks for coming in my TED talk!!"
- Creator
*rewrites entry, because I got scared for a moment*
:,)
WWWWWOOOOOUUUUUIIIII, that was a wild ride!!
Okay, so... Today I was thinking that I actually missed Miss Wannabe!! Her, attitude, her anger, her superiority, everything!! I really missed putting a mask, and acting as an OC!!
Maybe because the whole "daydreaming" stuff hasn't come back yet fully, soooo.... Well done me on making those.... let's call them... Uuuuuhhhhh... I don't know, well done me on ruining my own imagination!!
So, after some time, I decided to provoke a reaction again, because that's how Miss Wannabe got created... I got more like Taeka instead... Yeah... THAT Taeka!!
I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing, I focused on myself and real life more, and now I have trouble going back...
PLS TAKE ME BACK!!
So yeah, I made the mistake to write here immediately after, and I was like I was high!! Like, okay, you wanna see me being weird, I don't mind, it's just that it can be a bit unsettling...
Also because I talk about the reaction a lot, let me tell you what it is:
So I have something, a photo or a song, that makes me feel a certain way!! So half of my brain feels that, while the other half denies it!! And then, they just collide, and every emotion joins in!! So that makes be like I'm high with a superiority problem!!
The feeling that usually starts this could be fear, happiness, worry, or even nostalgia!!
Miss Wannabe came from fear, Taeka came from worry, and today's reaction was from nostalgia...
I honestly don't know what I did, I think that I did it right, I'll try a few more times, until I get it all back!! I'll try to relive everything to the best of my abilities, because I REALLY NEED to go back to that phase, I miss it!!
Might do edits, stay up until 1 AM, downloading photos, wait for summer, see some edits on Instagram, listen to the songs I used to... Anything!!
So this is basically it, I really wanna go back, but I don't wanna ruin what I did, I hope for the best!!
Also, here's something my brain says now, out of context:
"WhAt, ArE yOu AfRaId Of ReD eYeS??"
- Taeka
I'll give people my money for the video camera, if that means staying in bed all day, and just not coming near me!!
Pls, just go away!!
So, tomorrow is April Fools Day!! Do something fun!!
Also... wow, hyacinths, smell great, just what I needed to start my day!! That, and some fresh morning air!! I just went in my balcony, and... It was so refreshing!! No noise, no disturbance, just... PEACE!! I really missed some silence, and relaxation in the morning air!!
How long have I been in my room??
Well, I know that you are not here for that, you are wondering what happened yesterday!! Well, apparently you don't find the reaction, the reaction finds YOU!!
I had some photos of Taka with song lyrics (you know, edgy stuff!!), but I didn't have them all!! So I tried to find the song of those that I haven't found yet!! And I found a rock/metal song!! And I decided to listen to it!!
It started with nostalgia!! You may find this weird, but I actually had a hard rock/metal phase, so I was kinda happy... Or maybe, TOO happy!!
I started laughing like I was watching comedy!! I couldn't stop, and it was a loud laugh!! Like, okay, I was giggling for no reason since Monday, but this... This was next level!!
Because of that, I turned worried. Am I insane?? What's wrong with me??
I decided to stop it for a moment, and just focus on how I feel, and have a conversation with myself!! Was I feeling anger, was I feeling euphoria, what was going on??
It went like this:
I feel... I feel... Scared?? What, how?? Is this even normal??
GOOGLE TIME!! (not recommended though...)
It's normal?? Thank god!! But why?? I don't get it!!
MYSELF??
My subconscious: yes??
Me: what is this?? I felt that you felt... scared??
- Yes, I see nothing wrong here...
- Whoah, whoah, whoah!! You said yes?? Aren't you supposed to like that??
- Uuuuuhhhhh... I actually never said that??
- But you were laughing like you had issues!!
- Well, NOT ALL LAUGHS ARE THE SAME!! I'M TRYING TO COPE HERE!!
- So you are saying me that you don't like this??
- I almost shit my pants!!
- So the reaction is you being filled with fear??
- IT TRIGGERS ME!!
- Really??
- The reaction is me getting triggered, trying to tell you to stop, but you don't listen!!
- This applies to the crisis too??
- If you don't stop what unsettles me, I have to do it myself!!
- O.O
Okay, this may look weird to you, but I do it, pretty often... Yeah, it looks cringey...
Well, THE WHOLE ENTRY IS CRINGE, but let's just let it slide...
So apparently, you can have many triggers. So, screams trigger me and.... idk, attractive villains with red eyes and metal music??
I see you myself, I see you!!
Well... I don't see myself stopping though, literally what entertains me, also triggers me, unless it is pink, fluffy, and glittery... I'm questioning my identity now...
What am I?? A girl who likes eyestrain and loud music, or someone who likes pink and is really sensitive?? Oh lord... I can't...
The worst is when I'm getting triggered, but I don't know it, so I'll just brush it off!! And of course, it gets worse, until I finally realise it!! Well, so that's why self discovery is good!!
Anyway, here is what I wanted to write since yesterday, here you go!! Hope you have a great day!!
- Creator
PS: The lyrics from the photos are from two songs, "don't mess with me", and "what you keep alive"... I found my Friday songs, yay!!
Hi...
First of all, if you are new, I explain my site here, I'm too lazy to explain again...
With that said, let me update:
So today we had to write and read our diaries in class as homework, and honestly... I did not expect everyone to be so good, we should make a whole group blog, this was good!!
And for some reason, today was my excitement day!! I was excited with that, I was excited with the day, I was excited with everything!! So much so, that I couldn't update in the morning, because I had the energy and attention span of a 5 y/o on sugar, so sorry for that...
Another good thing that I try to do is be more confident, and show my true self more. Sure, being shy and all has its benefits, but I'm not the shy girl, I'm the shy girl who has a super random personality!!
Well.. I don't have something else to say, it was just a nice day, and I had fun!!
That was it, I hope that you have a nice day too, have fun!!
- Creator
*redacted, because I'm a good person :)*
I'm low-key mad now... I should be studying, but everyone is like "no, fuck you!!" And then it's my fault??
Whatever, screw it...
Oh wow!! I truly am a good person!! I really wanna just start complaining, but I don't think that having to explain it to your future boss is a good idea... Oh boy, if they knew how angry I am now...
Whatever, it must be because I'm still... kinda weird!! I don't know if it's a problem, it might be, but oh well: it happened again today, a few hours ago, I was all happy again!! I don't think that I should call it happy, that's not what it is... It's actually a feeling of superiority, along with fear, anger, intense excitement, and lots of energy!! That's what it is!!
Oh wait, that's the reaction...
I'm pretty sure that I can describe it with a picture, but I think that I will start fangirling, and I don't have much energy for that right now... That is because, something like this (both reaction and fangirling) sucks all the energy out of me, and then I need plenty of time to relax.
Wow, now that I said it, I really need some quality sleep. I didn't sleep much yesterday, because the I was more afraid than usual about the demon under my bed... Oh well, I don't sleep much anyways!!
Also, we might go back to school again next week, and I don't know how I should feel about it... It's getting kinda draining, having to adjust to a new environment every time!! But it's fine, I will make it, I have plenty experience on that, I should say!!
Well, that's it for now, hope you have a nice day, giving virtual hugs and love to everyone!! 🤗🤗🤗💖💖💖
- Creator
Hi hi everyone!! I haven't updated in a while for sure, but now I'm here!!
First of all, we reached 14 followers, yaaaaaaayyyy!! My second goal was done (13 followers)!! Thank you everyone!! 😊😊😊
Now, into the main part: the reason why I didn't update, was because I wanted to draw something and then post it, but I got bored, so I was like "meh, I'll tell you the context now, and I will post it when I'll finish it!!".
So, remember my last entry?? Well, the following days were... tiring!! I wasn't eating or sleeping much, so my body got really exhausted. I was really tired, and couldn't do much. And then this happened:
I was just chilling in my bed, waiting for my Spanish lesson to start, and I was listening to music. I was so tired, I fell half asleep. And then my sister walked in, and asked me something, making me wake up. But when I woke up.... Everything was weird!! My vision changed, everything was like I was in a tunnel, like I was watching a movie. Was it derealization, idk!! I don't like making the wrong conclusion...
But seriously, this was really weird!! I panicked a little bit, but it's fine, I'm fine!!
And this makes me to tell you to sleep and eat, because if you don't, your body goes drunk!!
Now, some irrelevant stuff I wanted to write: If you love Hello Kitty, and metal, you will probably love this one!! There has been some time since I discovered an anime called "Aggretsuko"!! It's about a red panda, living a normal, low-key shitty, life, but at the same time, she sings death metal, in order to vent when she's angry!! And honestly... I love this idea!! I really wanna see it, it hits all the right notes for me!! Not only that, but it's made by SANRIO!! The ones who made Hello Kitty, My Melody, Kuromi, Jewelpet... Just yes!!
Speaking of music... When I opened Google, in my feed, I saw someone who made a ukulele, with CODE!! A PLAYABLE ukulele, with JUST CODE!!
YOU MADLAD!!
I'M ALL IN, I LOVE THIS!!
If anyone wants this, I can link it, it's awesome!!
But anyways, that was it for now, I'll see you soon!!
- Creator
Today I will say random rants I have, just because:
people who fake mental illnesses are awful, but so are people who make the "mental illness Olympics"!! Saying that you have experienced worse stuff, doesn't make you edgy, it makes you an asshole!!
The same goes to people who blame their mental illnesses for being d*cks!! The stigma you bring is immeasurable!!
Another rant, goes to the people who when I act childish, for whatever reason, they always be like "well, yeah, but you are this old..." I swear, I'm gonna buy diapers and a pacifier, crawl around and say "googoo gaga" just too piss you off!!
The same goes to people who think Sanrio is for kids, and can't stand people who like childish stuff!! First of all, it's not always for kids, second of all, people don't always wanna cope with being edgy, and listening to sad songs!! Deal with it people!!!!
The same goes to people who like metal!! They are not Satanists who sacrifice goats, neither they try to be edgy all the time!! In fact, they tend to be less edgy sometimes!!
And, yet another rant, is those people who yawn/sneeze/cough/fart/burb, and just giggle and act like they sneezed lavender, or the essence of heaven!! Apologise right now, for spreading your bacteria/smell everywhere in the room, I don't want it!!
Something similar to this, are people, who don't shower!! Personally, idc if you smell like you came out of the toilet, as long as we don't have to interact, sometimes even approach each other!! If we have to, you must have showered 10 times, changed clothes, and eat 20 mints, that's what I want!! I understand if you missed a day, it happens sometimes, but if you smell like idk what abomination... Here's what you should do: HYGIENE!!
Now don't hate me on this, but I can't stand weebs!! Not the type of people who just see anime, like some characters, make fanart and such, I low-key do some of those (even though I'm not a weeb), BUT, I can't stand the people who don't shut up about it, who change EVERY conversation subject into what anime they saw, what anime game they played, what anime everything!! I. DON'T. CARE!! Please, just stop!!
And, YET ANOTHER rant, is certain DNIs!! Like, some DNIs are fine, I agree with having one, BUT, there are DNIs like "don't follow if you like this character, you ship this" and other bullshit!! I just don't get it... I mean, okay, I don't know, your perspective, but this seems pointless!! Also, about that...
Okay, for this I will be specific, but it can be applied to similar situations... I don't like Ishimondo shippers!! AT ALL!! I mean, if you just casually ship it, okay, I'm not going to attack you!! But if you shove it in everyone's throats... Oh boy!! To me, Taka has been completely destroyed, lost his identity as a person, and now he became a "UwU, gay!!" shit!! "But, but... the tweet said..." The tweet was from the non-canon ones, but of course, you didn't search it, and just believed from someone on the internet!! Sorry sweetie, you make me mad, I cut your wings!!
Also, I'm gonna cut the wings of these people: kinnies!! Don't get me wrong, I fully respect kinnies, because identity, is identity, but sorry, you most likely aren't one!! I'm sorry, but most of you don't seem to know what kinnie really is, so let me help you: Kinnie or kin, is a word coming from the otherkin community!! Now, otherkin, are people who identify as nonhuman!! There are people who identify as mythical creatures (otherkin), animals (therians) fictional characters (fictionkin), and other stuff, as long as it's nonhuman!! Keyword is "nonhuman"!! Another keyword is "identifying"!! But I don't see anywhere these two words!! Also, "relating" isn't "identifing as"!! I don't wanna hurt anyone here, but for me, "kinnie" isn't the right word for what you wanna describe!!
And the last rant, is the people who put the volume too loud!! Like, have you heard of earphones?? But I hate those who when you are there, doing something, you make a noise, and they put the volume up!! Okay, that hurt me, but okay!!
Whoah, that's big!!
...
Did you know that I just wanted to write about cute stuff, but got mad 1 minute before I began writing??
Yeah, about me... well... I just needed some time to relax!! Also, I almost have what I need for the videocamera, I'm really close (really hyped about this, I know...)!!
Also, a few days ago was my friend's birthday (the one from 2012!!), and we chatted a bit... God, I missed her!!
Another also, is that I started to obsess with Sanrio, especially with Melody!! I love My Melody, she's so cute!! So much so, that I got into the Sanriocore aesthetic!! I really wanna decorate my room again, with more cute stuff (BRING THE PINK!!). In general, I feel myself wanting to become more cute and innocent, because yes!!
I also got into the ENA series a bit (don't ask)!! ENA seems really cool to me, idk why...
Anyway, that was it for now, I hope that you all have a great time!!
- Creator
Well, I learned something new today!! That is, if you feel like having the energy of a 5 y/o, functioning on sugar, just do a sketch, act crazy, act like you are in a cartoon!! I was literally like that in the morning, and we made one in music class, and I let my energy there, and I believe I did a good job!! That's why I'm calm now...
Sure, it can be fun sometimes with all the energy, but at times my emotions go "weeee", and then I get really tired... And then more emotions changing...
But with that, I'm relaxed, not tured!! I'm glad I found something, outside of sports, because after that teacher, and that mindset in junior high school, I don't like them at all...
Btw, speaking of emotions... Well, I COULD update the diary, but I didn't... That is because I'm getting angry really easily these days... I guess I am in my angry phase now!!
Something must have affected me!! Oh, well, good thing is, I didn't get mad today, so that's good!! More importantly, I just need to avoid talking to certain people!! The problem is that it's hard, but there will be a way I'm sure of it!!
Anyways, I'm glad I'm fine today, hopefully it can last, because all this rage is too much for me!! Also... If I was good enough in today's lesson, I can voice act a cartoon villain!! EEEEEEEE!! It was the perfect time for motivation, because all this energy can make me really stubborn and hardworking in what I wanna achieve... I'm hoping that I was good, and I'll take the role, because
I WANT IT!!
Well, that's all for now, have a nice day, do something stupid!!
- ME!! (Creator)
Hey everyone!!
Today was a really nice day!!
First of all, I now have 15 followers, yay!! My third, and probably last, following goal is done!! Thankies everyone!! 🤗🤗
Also, I apparently made a trend yesterday!! First of all, thank you everyone for being so kind, cgyfyfxxggdgd!! You are all awesome!!
Second of all... *snob sounds* I really liked that I made a trend, I was always curious about how they start!! It was nice!!
Myegohasbeenfed!!
And another thing iiiiissss...
Well, as you know, I'm really obsessed with getting a video camera, and in general, try to save money, and all that!! I was literally saying to the universe "pls, I need 50 more, I need 50 more, pls, pls, pls!!" And yesterday, we were watching "Madagascar" (this trilogy is my childhood!!), and when the ads came up, my parents said "we got you one, as an early birthday gift, okay??"
😃😃😃😃😃
HJDDSJGFU!!
OMG, YEEEEEEEESSSSS!!
(okay, if I sound like the rich spoiled kid, I'm not, I'm just excited!!)
Omg, I'm so happy!! It means I can start filming before my birthday (even for less than a month, but still...)(I just... filming when I'll turn x, seems wrong to me, like I will be to old to do what I want...)!!
I can now make the tapes!! Vhhfhf!!
Okay, but why do you want it??
Well, I would love to make a video diary!!
Why??
*cough*
Are you asking for the first inspiration, the partial inspiration, the original inspiration, or the one now??
Hm, what else should I write??
...
I also ate pizza today....
MUNCHIES!! :3
Well, that's all for now, see you next time!! 😊😊
- Creator
Sup!!
And yes, I know what's today!!
Btw, can I ask something?? How come all the columbiners follow me?? I'm not mad, I'm curious!! I only decided to see what it was, because it's ALL OVER THE INTERNET, and yeah, since then, it follows me!! Do you guys have some special scan, that goes "beep boop, beep boop, this girl knows columbine, despite the fact that she almost never mentioned it, follow her!!" No really!! Again, not trying to be disrespectful, just curious!!
(really though, I'm literally some happy simp with ocs, I'm really curious!!)
*small break*
OMG, OMG, OMG!! I GOT IT, GOT THE CAMERA!! WHOOAAHH!! GUBGUFYYRDTTDYDYD!!!
It came earlier than expected, oh wow, oh wow, oh wow!! It's like the universe understood that I wanted it earlier, and-
*realisation moment*
NOOOOO!! NO WAY!! Nononono, I refuse to believe it!! It came, TODAY!! Nooooo, this must be some weird prank!! That's not what I meant when I said I wanted a video camera, to leave some stuff behind!!
HFHDDYFHHFDGXGCHUFYFDY!!!
(it's okay if you don't understand what's going on, I'm doing my own things...)
OH WOW!! Well, for now, it's charging, I can play with it tomorrow!! And if you think I'm gonna be serious... Nah, I'll just act like I'm high, and have my future kids question what is going on!!
My day got better honestly!! Yesterday was nice, but today... Not so nice!! I had a sudden urge to go cry in the restroom, while I was at school, in general I was getting really easily pissed off, and half an hour ago, I couldn't focus on the private lesson I had, because my brain started being like a half broken toaster performing calculations of a NASA computer... Yeah, it can't do that!!
But now, this toaster is happy!! What makes me more happy though, is that it's the last week, before schools close for Easter (easter here is on another date)!! Yay!! That makes me manage, and sometimes brings me motivation to do stuff!! Yay, I'm so happy!! FYFYDTGD!!
Well, that's about it so far!! Hope you spend the day nicely, and have a good time!! 🤗🤗💖💖
- Creator
It's over!! It's finally over!! Thank god, the week ended!!
I don't think that I could handle this anymore!! My rage just skyrockets, and then I'm starting to be a mess, and I don't think that I could pretend like it's fine at school...
I just got angry at someone, and I shouldn't!! It's just that I try to hold it, but it just pushes me so hard inside, I feel physical pain by this!!
Not only rage actually, every emotion of mine is screwed!! I cried again yesterday... The first time was pretty good, I really needed it, but the second one at night was awful!! For some reason, myself likes to screw me up, idk why...
I actually don't know why this happens as well: there are two parts in me!! The one just wants the worst, brings me nightmares (of course, what did I expect??), and of course, intrusive thoughts!! Of course it would!!
The other one is obviously the one who is all pink and glitter!! The problem is, that if I see ANYTHING with even THE SLIGHTEST amount of triggers, this part cries, screams and gets scared!! Not only that, it must happen ONLY when I try to sleep!!
And I have to watch these two arguing while I didn't ask!! I don't feel like ANY of these parts are me, I don't know why they are there, I want them to go and have peace!! It's MY self, I get to choose my problems!!
And I like that this is "normal"!! Yes, it's normal, BUT I DIDN'T ASK!! I DIDN'T ASK TO FEEL THIS, I DIDN'T ASK TO EXPERIENCE THIS, I JUST DIDN'T ASK!!
Not only that, but I can't figure out why it's like this!! Myself literally goes "just because!!"
Ah, I need to do something!! I don't know how to let my rage out, and I hold it, and my chest and jead hurts from the effort!! Aaaaahhh!!
*****
Well... What if I say that that was it?? I'm sorry that I can't be positive now, I just needed somewhere to let it out!! I KNOW, that it will go away, I just have to be patient, I guess... Oh, please, please just go away already!!
- Creator
Bruh, why does my brain must ruin my mood, and not let me function, like a normal human being??
It all started since yesterday... We don't talk what kind of lunatic I was yesterday... (Apparently, the dark do be affecting me, I guess...)
And, today came, and I woke up!! And I went to church... And I didn't have a problem with it!! 😐😐😐 I'm still trying to figure out why...
And then I did some charity, and I went all snob like!! I was like "hah, look at me, look what I did!!"
And then we went to get breakfast. I was plain happy there. I got my camera, and said happily my day!!
And then we went to the village(another place that I don't usually like)!! Some intrusive thoughts ruined the moment, but I became happy again!!
Then... idk if I should say that... Let's say I saw something!! And my mind of course hitted me with the thought "you're gonna die!!" If you know what I mean...
That made me panic!! I was like "I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die!!" Then I took one of my keychains that I made with Taka to calm me down, and of course, it brought me that dreamy feeling!!
The day went kinda normal after that: kinda calm, had a moment when I saw some cows and thought "BEEF!!" (Well, that's what comes with fasting!!)
And then we came back, and of course, I listened to some music, like I always do!! I made the mistake to listen to "These are the lies"!! Terrible idea!!
In the beginning, I was fangirling, then I fangirled too much, and then I went despair mode, and thought "WHY YOU'RE NOT HERE??"
Man, I must be drunk, why did I think that?? 👁️👄👁️
That's why I don't write here sometimes!! It's either because I'm in a really negative state, and I don't want to bother anyone, or it's because my mood changes every 5 seconds!! What am I gonna write, something that will change in the next five minutes??
I honestly don't know, but at the same time, it's my journal, I choose what I write!! I don't know I'll see...
Well, that was it for now I guess!! Until next time!!
- Creator
HI!!
Damn, I hear people talking about meat, now I'm hungry...
Some context here, I'm fasting until Saturday because it's Easter (yes, here it's on a different day), and it's not the best experience for me... Especially when I hear about meat...
But anyway, good news is, my emotions became more stable!! THANK YOU!! I know that this will be the last week I'll feel like this, and then, I'll be able to "be normal" for some time!!
Also, I don't have anything else this week!! Yaaaaaaayyyy!! No more studying for now!! (what, you thought just because it's Holy Week, the teachers will be understanding?? NAH!!)
Not gonna lie, I'm still kinda irritated, but not as much as I used too!! I'm more happy now, especially today!! In general, everything seems better!!
I'm glad for that, I can chill for now!! YAAAAAAAYYYY!! It's just that this was spiralling out of control, and I was suffering!!
Oh, and another thing: thanks again for 10k views!! You guys are awesome, this place is awesome, everything here is awesome!! I love you all!!
So, that was it for now, until next time!!
- Creator
So, uuuuuhhhhh...
I wanted to update in the morning, but I thought that I was TOO excited, and would probably say something personal, so I didn't... I decided to update when I would say the song of the day, but I would turn this into a simp entry, which I wanna leave for another day... So, here I am, with the song, and my will to write!!
Honestly though, Skillet and Taka create more energy than nuclear power!!
*CoUgH* Okay, enough simping!!
First of all, I wanna say sorry to my parents for ruining the day's atmosphere... It's just that it's too much for me at this point!!
And now... I would be serious here, until I forgot to do my homework for music class, and I did it, and now I kinda got tired, but it also made me wanna be more fun now than serious!! So, sorry, the serious stuff I have to say might wait a bit...
Now, I wanna talk about my homework!! It sounds stupid, I know...
So, we had to record ourselves saying some lines for an audiobook, and I did that... I had to act cartoonish, so this funny attitude stayed...
Not only that, but like I said, if I get it right, I can voice act a villain, and I went "MISS WANNABE GO BRRRRR!!!"
Yes, Miss Wannabe is a villain!! I just used her name for the website, because she means a lot to me, and I relate to her in a way!! Soooo... I just love that OC!!
That's why I sign as "Creator" and not as "Miss Wannabe" Yes, I sometimes sign as her, Taeka, or with other names!! And yes, I'm kinda roleplaying, because I can!!
So, that was it, I am a bit tired now (I mean it's 22:00!!), and I don't know what else I should write, so that's it for now!! Peace!!
- Creator
[redacted]
I was about to post something REALLY bad, but I changed my mind... Like, I wanted to roast someone, but I believe that it was a bit TOO much, so I decided to be a good person and not do that... :)
I'm gonna say it though, when someone leaves their house to go out and function like a good member of society (in my case, taking out the trash), and you make fun of them... That's not nice!!
I'm putting it REALLY lightly right now, next time I will experience this I won't be so understanding... In fact, I might not be understanding AT ALL!! So please cut it out!!
Okay, with that off my chest, I can say the good stuff: First of all, Happy Easter!! "But Easter was-" Nope, don't finish the sentence!! You are gonna accept it!! To me, today is Easter!!
Another thing I did, was cutting my hair!! I look more like Taeka now, and I'm fangirling a bit... HFYFFYFHFYHXYFYDYG!!! I may not be used to me having short hair, but meh, it just needs time... Not only that, but I donated them, and now some cancer patient can have a wig made from my hair!!
I'M PROUD!!
And now, the most interesting part: so, I was analysing Miss Wannabe, and the results were... interesting!!
I'm gonna say it now though, Miss Wannabe is not some lovely OC, she the dark edgy type who kills, so, if you are not comfortable with that, skips this entry... It's totally understandable!!
Now, let's begin: I was just listening to music, and imagining her!! But the music and my mood said "Nah, analyse her!!" So, I did!!
The song had the word "fear" in it, and honestly... It just felt so right!! But why?? She isn't someone who will show fear easily!! In fact, if she feels threatened, she will react and be violent!!
I couldn't understand... But then my mind said "it's fight or flight response!!" And honestly, I'm pretty sure that's it!!
But why, you may ask!! How's that even possible?? Well, we have to consider real time events!! Around the time of her creation, I saw a nightmare!! In the nightmare, I was laying down, and I couldn't move!! Then, someone approached me (thank god it wasn't an irl person!!), and then turned me around!! What happened later is something that I'm not sure yet if I should say, but after that, I woke up, and I was TERRIFIED!! I was really terrified for days!!
So considering that, it makes sense!! Not only that, but a feature that stands out to me, are her eyes!! This may sound weird, because literally EVERY self insert I made has blue eyes, like her!! But, again, in the dream, that person who approached me, had blue eyes that just speared through your soul, like hers!!
And then I continued analysing: why does she wears royal clothes, and is obsessed with ruling everyone, that's not my type!! I reached the conclusion that this happens, because she thinks that if she wears them, the threat will get scared and go away!! And considering the fact that this (you know what, screw it, let me say it, it's not a irl person it's a fictional character!!) is the emperor in the story I made... Well... She must be HIGHER than him!!
Then I analysed her fighting style: she's more on the agility and speed side, and she likes to have things planned!! This could be from the fact that I was laying down, unable to move!! I also theorise that having things planned, is her way of showing power, and that she is the one who has control!!
She also hates when people touch her... Well, that's pretty obvious why...
And lastly, her name!! Usually, I take time to think of it, but this... just came!! Well, I can only theorise that that's her name, because she is a wannabe ruler, who wants to have power...
After all this, I thought "Well, if she's the fight response... does that mean that Petty is the flight one??" I'm pretty sure yes, unlike Miss Wannabe, she shows weakness and fear easily, can't really defend herself, and tries to run away from the problem!! Not only that, but she is a peasant (which, you know... "the weak common folk"!!), and she wears a white dress, which could symbolise innocence and purity (pretty much describes her)!! Also, you know she can't do much, when her name is literally the word "pet" just more ✨fancy!!✨
I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's the explanation!! Who knows, maybe I will be able to analyse Taeka as well, when my mind reveals the reason...
The only reason I'm fascinated with the analysis, is because I made two self inserts at the same time, subconsciously, that are different from my usual ones...
Well, who knows, maybe you should go analyse your OCs too, you never know what you'll learn about yourself!!
- Petty
I... I don't feel very well... I just don't!!
So, today is the day when someone I know leaves again for work... I should be fine with it, because this happens many times, and I actually got pretty used to it!! But- This time they are leaving for 2 months... That's... That's a lot!!
Again though, I'm kinda used to it, so I thought that if I decide not to think about it, time would pass without me noticing!! Not only that, but I believe that myself really helps with this!!
If I have to describe what happens inside me, I believe that, that one picture (made by Asobu) of Junko smiling, while hugging Taka who was crying (not surprising at all, he cries so much that sometimes he makes you wonder if he needs a hug)!! Myself is literally like that?? Oh, someone died?? Well that's sad... Now I'm gonna go dance to Caramelldansen so I can drown my pain!! I know that it sounds cringey, but this is how I am!!
And, there was that!! And of course, I took it further, like the clown I am!! I listened to "13 Angels Standing Guard 'Round The Side Of Your Bed" by Silver Mt Zion, and now I feel like shit!!
Because OF COURSE, my brain went "okay cool, let's talk about death!!" I don't want to, I had enough mentions of death for the rest of the year!! Like, yesterday I feared for my life and safety (again, me being a clown and not knowing what triggers me)(which btw, I'll never learn, because myself doesn't wanna cooperate!!), and now I have to think about death!! Thank you brain!!
To me, the worst isn't when you have a breakdown, ir an anxiety/panic attack!! It's when it's fear with intrusive thoughts, that come and go so fast, they take all your energy!!
.....
Wow, I actually feel... Kinda better!! I'm glad!! I can't stand it when I'm sad, because I literally have no idea what to do sometimes... Cry?? Sit in silence?? Vent?? I have no idea!! I feel like myself came crying to me, begging for help!! Weeeeeeellllll... What am I supposed to do?? Idk, you solve your problems!! (I basically either don't know what to do/ignore, either I do something good, or I simply make me feel TERRIBLE!!)
Well, anyway, now that I feel kinda better, I can say some positive things that happened!! I feel like summer is near, and this makes me extremely happy, because the last two summers of my life were AWESOME!! Also, the song I mentioned... Yeah, it ruined my day, but at least I got inspiration to draw something!! That's good!!
Well, that's all for now, soooo... See you next time!!
- Creator
Hi...
So, apparently I haven't written here for some time... Well, here I am!!
Of course I would come, I mean, it's 13!!
Well, because I don't know what I should say, here are some random stuff that happened....
I didn't write, because I didn't have much time to do so (thanks school, you're awesome!!) And yesterday a classmate of mine was coronavirus positive, so now we are all in quarantine... Yaaaaaaayyyy!!!
I originally wanted these days to write how nice my day was, but of course, I forgot everything, and I feel like shit, so THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!!
As I'm typing this, idk what my guts are trying to do, but I feel weird, I tried to do something about it, nothing happened, and now I'm a bit annoyed...
My birthday is really close, and I'm kinda happy for it!! At the same time, I'm not, because I'll be one year closer to adulthood...
After my birthday, iiiiissss... My Spanish exams!! Yay!!
Needless to say, I hate it, I believe that I'm gonna fail, and all that!!
Another thing is that I remember that empathy can be really awful at times, like a few minutes ago!!
It's all "nice" and "beautiful" and "a gift", until you are forced to feel everyone's feelings, 100x more intensely, without you wanting to!!
RIP HSPs...
What else, what else... Well, I don't know if I have anything else to say... Well, I guess that's for now, if I forget something, I might come back to edit it!! So for now... bye bye!!
- Creator
HELLO EVERYBODY!! Today is my birthday, and I'm EXCITED!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳
As you can see, a got a GifyPet, YEEEEEE!! I LOVE GIFYPETS!! :D
So, from now on, you can play with My Melody in the hangout section!! YEEEEE!!
ygghcytfyf
Ah, I love this gift so much!!
Well, I guess I should go ahead and say what happened: well, in the morning, I got in, got my gifypet, and all that. After that, my grandpa came over (because it's his birthday too today!!) Of course, I got out to take a cake. And, obviously, the whole blowing candles thing, and all!!
After that, I went out with a friend to order a t-shirt (it will be ready at Monday, I can't wait!!) And of course, I had to go get another cake for me, because I invited people over.
After that, they came, and we went out to a nice restaurant, because MY birthday, MY obsession to spend money in it!! We got home later and chilled a bit, we even slept a bit, and then I blew the candles (duh!!) And that was pretty much it!!
Well, if you are wondering for gifts, no I didn't get any today, because it was made clear that the video camera was the gift I would get!! But of course, the t-shirt I mentioned, was a gift from me, to me, because I need to do something gift related today!!
Also, I upgraded!! Now, from an unknown age, I go to x!! Or [redacted]... Or a link to a Rick Roll... I'll figure it out later...
Surprisingly, this day was actually good!! These years I don't like growing up, but honestly... Today was actually decent!! I'm low-key suprised!!
And of course today I had to act random... I changed my profile pic, and my mom saw it, and was like "please change it!! Just... No!!" 😅😅😅
"Great conversation miss [name]!!"
"Thanks!!"
"But the profile pic..."
"What's wrong with a cursed image??"
"Everything!! Everything f***ing thing!!"
Well, really though, I feel like I'm having fun!! I like it!!
Anything else... Nah!! That's all for now!! Hope that you'll have a great time as well!! Peace!!
- Creator
Sup!!
Well, I didn't update, because I was like "none will see it, because it's not one day old", but then I was like "oh well" so here I am!!
Today, I wanna talk about something a bit more serious!! That is separating the art from the artist...
You guys said that it was okay, and I'm really glad for that, because I was feeling REALLY guilty for doing this!!
So, here's some info: today, I saw a video about Picasso, and how he was abusive towards his wives!! Yes, he had many!! At the end of the video, the YouTuber, brought this up!! And honestly... Yeah, it made me wanna talk about my experience with doing this...
As you know, I really like mastermind Taka!! And obviously, every mastermind Taka fangirl knows Asobu!! Asobu, is a Japanese manga artist that drew him A LOT!! And of course, you can see some of her work in here!!
I was personally a huge fan of watching fanart in the beginning of my fangirling phase, and Asobu's art (to me at least) was THE BEST!! I believe she draws him in the most beautiful way possible!! Just... perfection!!
Not only that, but there was a big fat portion of her work that was just him!! And, unlike others, when she drew the personas, you could see that someone did their research!! The proud one was dressed as a prime minister, the aggressive one looked like Ishida, it didn't say "I'm just Junko with a different face!!"
And now, a moment for me, to fangirl about the one with the glasses...
At one point, I even said "when I'll have the money I'll commission her, idk if she accepts it or not, I want her to draw something for me!!" I even made keychains from her work, I practiced my editing with it, I made memes with it!! I loved it!!
But of course, it didn't last long... One day I found out she drew incest... Yeah, that was a big ouchie!!
She headcannons Ishida and Taka as twins, something that I do too, so I didn't notice it, because I am a big fan of "sibling (non romantic obviously) love" I just believe that "edgy emo hates his brother" is REALLY overused...
I only questioned it once, but I just thought "meh, I'm overthinking, it's because I don't read Japanese, so I don't know what happens here!!" But nah!! I later found two big chunks of it!!
Obviously I got crushed by it!! How can this happen?? No, I refuse to believe it, I'm gonna separate the art from the artist, and act as if I never knew!! (I actually knew this for a long, time, before making this website!!) This made me feel guilty as hell, I believed that I supported incest because of that!!
And, if you believe that, it's not that hard to just ignore, well, here's some story: If you saw my vents, you saw that this guy helped me!! She drew him so well when he cried, that it made me realise that it's okay to do so!! This lead up to me feeling my emotions, instead of suppressing them. And that lead me to understand that, from what I felt... I needed help!! I wouldn't find that out, and I would still suffer!!
Not only that, but I got motivation to draw, and start editing!! I even got inspiration, and many of my OCs, were created from him!!
I don't care if it sounds corny, if people say "music saves lives", I don't see anything wrong with me saying all this!!
So, when I saw you guys saying that it's okay, I felt so much better, thank you so much for that, I really needed it!!
Also, to that one person disagreeing with me: I would like to tell you that Picasso was sn abuser, the author of Harry Potter is transphobic, and Sia is albeist!! I believe that you're no different!!
Well, that was pretty much it, thank you for coming to my TED talk, and thank you for hearing me philosophising!!
- Creator
Well, I don't know why, but I feel like writing this...
I went out to buy a shirt with someone. The shop was closed (like... why??) and they asked me if I wanna come with them somewhere.
So we went!! We got in the elevator, did what we had to do, and I said "bye", and got back in.
The instant moment I went in the elevator, I was like "Oh shit, I exist!!" "Where am I??" "Who is this??" "What did I just do??" It's one of those moments when you just do something, and you suddenly realise that you exist, but at the same time, you lose your memory for a moment!!
And after that, I went home, but my vision started getting weirder, and I felt like I was smaller... And this is not the first time happening!!
Again, a few hours ago, I got so invested in daydreaming, that I was unable to do anything else, and forgot that I was there!!
I have problems, and nobody wants to tell me!!
The weird is not that it's happening, it's that it happens again and again!! I'm going to theorise that me daydreaming is the cause. I was so invested in visualising someone else, that I saw myself as this person. So, when I got in the elevator, I saw my reflection all over the place, and got suprised!!
Again, I'm not sure, but I don't know how to explain it...
- Creator
I swear to god, if I hear ONE MORE TIME, that Taka isn't straight/is gay, and/or bring Ishimondo shit up, while THEY KNOW how much I HATE listening to it, I'm gonna commit a crime!! I got one m*********** shirt, let me enjoy it in peace!!
You know what, there's probably one of you Ishimondo shippers out there who don't understand what I'm talking about... Well, let me tell you!! (Also, quick disclaimer, I don't hate you because you ship this, I hate you if you shove it IN PEOPLE'S THROATS!!)
So, why do I hate it you may ask?? Because if I wanna search about him, I either get a whole lot of crap about Ishimondo, or I get a whole lot of crap about Ishimondo!! I don't CARE!! My god!! This ship is so much "in your face", that I ended up hating even hearing it!! Just shut up, you sound like those people who when you listen to a song, they say "WhO's HeRe FrOm TiKtOk?? 🤪🤪" Jeez...
Really though, just put yourself in his shoes!! Just imagine yourself wanting to achieve something big!! And you work hard for it!! But one day, something scares you, and you shit yourself in public!! Since then, they call you "pooppants", instead of your actual name!! And that spreads!! You go to school, "hey pooppants!!" You go to the grocery store "have a nice day pooppants!!" You get a job "It's nice working with you pooppants!!"
People don't even remember you for dreaming big!! They just know you now from ONE MOMENT that happened in your life!! Now you're gonna die as "pooppants"!! Not really nice, eh??
That's the thing!! From ONE moment in the game, his sexuality and lover is determined (aside from the other moments that show that it's not true!!)
I understand that I might be exaggerating, but I was labelled for some time, and seeing this, annoys the crap out of me!! I just can't tolerate this at all!!
Also... If you think I might be one of those people... Yes, I might be, got a problem?? At least I admit it, and I don't go on social media posting pictures saying "MINE" (UNLIKE other people!!) (yes, I've seen this!!)
But okay, enough of me whining, I should focus on the good side: I got a nice shirt, I'm improving in Spanish, and tomorrow is a special day for me!! So that's good!! I will probably go eat a nice crepe later...
Well, I feel much better now!! Well, I can still calm myself down, so I haven't spiralled out of control this time!! Good!!
Idk, what I should write next time... I will either rant about something else, talk about weird communities I know, or something else, I don't know... Oh well!!
- Creator
PS: eating noodles works like a miracle, I feel much better now... It should be my comfort food or something!!
Hey!! I guess that it's been some time...
Sorry for not writing, but I was a bit busy these days, so I only had time for writing in the comments, and making minor updates!! But it's alright, I finished all the exams I had, and now I should just wait two more days for school to be over!! Then I'll go to see THEM!! You know, the one who left for two months...
I don't know why I'm not saying what happened, but anyways!! I guess that I should say what happened these days:
1) First of all, the exams!! I'm pretty sure that it actually went good, I think I'm gonna pass!! Well, in the Cervantes one at least... The other one... Oh lord, the texts!! What was going on with the texts?? Luckily everyone thought that whoever chose them was drunk, so that's good...
2) I really want this week and the next to end, because I can't talk to him (you know, THAT friend I so much care for!!) because his giving some important exams, and it's annoying!! After those two weeks, I will go up to him, and just hug him, I feel like he needs it!!
3) I just wanted to say happy pride month to all of you LGBTQ folks out there!! And I mean it!! Why?? Well here's the story of my life to understand:
I exist!! I live in a religious house!! My parents are religious... You know where this is going!!
Yes, I was homophobic!! Yeah... Seriously though, after that... I don't... I don't know how to describe what I wanna say!!
Well, at least, one day my brain said "hey!! The LGBT people are starting to get rights!! That means that it won't go back!! Shut up and accept it!!"
Since then, I became agnostic (for other reasons as well) and I promised m not to do the same stupidities I did!! I don't know if I should consider myself an ally, because I'm not someone who's gonna actively fight for LGBT rights... I'm more on the silent support...
If that's still considered an ally though, I should put a pride flag somewhere, to let people know that they are welcomed here!! Anyways, happy pride month everyone!!
4) I'm not someone who says "that was the worst day of my life" easily, but these days... These days, my god!! I've never been so stressed!! In fact, I was SO stressed, that I couldn't even sleep and do things!! I instead started doing things that I was not supposed to!!
I also ended up having pictures of Taka all over my room, because I really needed something to make me calm down!! I'm gonna put two gifs here too, because 1. I feel like I need it 2. I learned that mastermind Taka keeps a despair journal, and that's actually kinda cool!!
For now it's over but in August... Ah, I don't like thinking about it, it makes me anxious!!
5) I know that it's not important, but I wanna say it anyway: I saw some people hating on Danganronpa, and I was like "why the f do you follow me then, it's literally my first tag!!"
But then I've read the rant, remembered that I've ranted as well many times (sorry but doxxing someone over a ship is not cool!!), so I was like "oooohhh!!" and I agreed!!
The reason that I'm saying this that I might try not to talk about Danganronpa every five seconds, because it pisses people off... But I'm still gonna talk about it, none of you will escape the long Taka analysis entry that I'm planning!! Muahahaha!!
That was pretty much it, have a great day!!
- Creator
I am, SO FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW, because it's 5:42, I wanna sleep like a human being, and I can't, because I feel my throat burning from the digestive stuff from my stomach (guess I ate too much yesterday?? Idk!!), and IT'S ANNOYING!! I don't feel like throwing up, so I just have to sit here and wait...
(Please, I wanna go to sleep, I'm tired, I need it!! HELP ME!!)
(Why do I always have to lose sleep in summer, WAAAAAAA!!)
Not that sleeping would be necessarily better, for some reason I dreamt myself doing drugs... Idk, dreams are dreams, what do you expect?? Anyway, because I can't sleep, I guess I should say where I've been these days...
Well, I went to visit ThEm, and now I'm there, in a hotel, typing this!!
So yeah, the first day, we just packed things up, and we went there!! To me, the trip was nice, I love being in the car early morning, because... It's just awesome!!
At one moment, when we were about to find the hotel, the gps got it wrong, so we had to go back, it's not that hard, oh wait, it's the capital!!
Well, we got literally ON TIME, when the bus (I guess it was a bus??) arrived to get them to work!! We said hi, how are you, all that jazz... And they saw me, in my Taka shirt, I believe a part of them died... But at least it was a small one!!
We went to the hotel, and just... Wow!! The room was so nice, it was almost like it was untouched!! Everything was so nice and organised, that when I saw it, my self-esteem dropped!! Whoah!!
Anyway, they went to work, while were unpacking things. After that, I just existed, doing random stuff on my phone (as always!!), and pretty much that!! They came back, and that was it!!
The following day, we got up and went to... a park?? Kinda like a park?? I don't know... Well, we went there... And omg, it was so cool!! There was a musical park (and in general, many parks, with different plants and stuff) one of those places where you play chess... But it's bigger!! (forgot the word) GIANT CHESS!! There was also one of those fountains that dance to the music every half hour!!
It was awesome!! When we arrived at the end to buy some souvenirs, I got a music box!! Idk why, but I get really hyped by those these days...
Also, in the afternoon, we went out for a walk... I didn't like it, it was too long...
Then, we have yesterday!! Well, it was nice as well, the hotel has a pool (YAAAAAAAYYYY!!), and in the morning we spent it there, and we talked a bit... Ah yeah, forgot to mention, for some reason these days I act like a nerd, explaining the science behind things... (I believe that I studied too much this year...) I also mentioned to them that I started doing crafts, and they asked what, and I smiled!! They... okay, you know what, I don't get why refer to them as they, because it's the internet?? Well, whatever, they means my mom!! She went to... okay, I'm gonna call this the capital (because I no American), for work!! It's not something that mysterious, we just went to visit her, because 2 months is a lot!!
Where was I?? Ah yes, I smiled!! They asked dad, my sister, and they smiled too!! She was like "What is it??" and dad was like "she filled it with photos" You know what this means... She was like "okay!!"
In the afternoon, we went again all out, and we fed the fish, which was really funny to see!! These fish come out of nowhere!!
After that, we sat in an AWESOME café (just... just awesome, 5 stars!!), and later we went to eat pasta... It was great, my whole self loved it!!
Am I missing something?? Ah yes, I also ate from McDonald's!! To you it doesn't sound much, but here we have another... "fast food restaurant"?? (I'm tired, I can't think!!), and we eat from there!!
Also, I would definitely go again, to all these places, because they were ✨magnifique✨!!
*realises that I didn't chose a song for this week, because I was busy packaging* Oh, shi-
*credits fall*
- Creator
Okay, now the part 2!! I will just go ahead and say the rest...
Well, the day that I wrote, was a pretty normal day afterwards, we went into some tourist street or something, and we just vibed, and bought souvenirs!!
We also sat on, I believe the best place on earth, that is, a cafeteria that was Disney themed, and served, such *incoherent happy mumbling*!! Even the staff was dressed as Tinkerbell, and that made me SO HAPPY!!
I just love these sorts of places!!
The day after that, was more ancient Greek themed, and we just visited many museums, and in general, this sort of stuff...
I'm gonna say that it looked pretty interesting, I liked it!!
Yesterday... Well, we just came back, nothing special!!
I was kinda disappointed that we didn't start early in the morning, because I believe that driving while it's cool outside, a little bit before the sunrise... is superior!! None can tell me otherwise!!
So, what's my opinion on "Le CaPiTaL", you ask?? Well, I liked it, it was actually a pretty nice place, even though I realized when I got there, that I'm not made for big cities!! That's because low-key the traffic, and high-key the... idk... pollution?? I don't know what it was, but I literally had to blow my nose everyday, because it was getting filled with shit I inhaled!!
Or maybe it's because coronavirus, idk!!
"Well how are you today??" Oh, I'm glad you asked!! I honestly don't know how to feel, because I'm questioning everything!!
So I wanted some shifting motivation, but I ended up losing all of it. People are like "it's maladaptive daydreaming, it's maladaptive daydreaming!!", and that messed with me A LOT!!
YOU MEAN THAT ALL THIS EFFORT WAS FOR NOTHING?? YOU MEAN THAT I'M GONNA GET STUCK HERE FOREVER??
NOOOOOOO!!
It messes with me in two ways!! 1 is that I literally feel like I just wasted my time, and I'm doomed to live in this place, and I don't like thinking about neither of those!! And 2 is the fact that I kinda suspect myself to have it, and this information didn't help AT ALL!!
(does describe experiences I had though!!)
Of course, I can assume all I want, but I can't say anything, until a psychiatrist will clear it up!! But I'm afraid that until then, it will be too late...
Okay, okay, I have to move on now, if I think about it, I will get in the temptation to self diagnose, and I'm against that!!
Well, anyway, aside from today, this week was pretty good!! So we can just focus on that!!
That was it, I have nothing else to add...
- Creator
Well, I really wanted to make a philosophical discussion, so here I am!! Today I wanna talk about... I believe kids in the media, we'll see how it goes!!
So I was just vibing at YouTube, and because the algorithm is bonkers, it decided to recommend me videos about animal abuse awareness!! And I got down the rabbit hole!! Then, I ended up in a video called "stop animal abuse", all captions, and some basic sad dog thumbnail!! And you guessed it, the video was something, with hurt woke kids in the comments!!
And today we are going to break this whole thing down, YAAAAAAAYYYY!!
Quick note here as I'm searching the video, there's literally one here which has as a title "Stop animal cruelty please help and stop animal abuse on animals!!" all captions. I really wanna laugh, I'm sorry!!
Quick update, I found it, it's actually called "bright eyes"!! Someone literally just reuploaded it with some sad dog thumbnail oh my god (did I say that the video was about rabbits??)
Anyway, we are greeted with some happy rabbit that gets caught by some "CrUeL sCiEnTiStS"!! Which, if you believe that that's how it works... I'm sorry!! The experiment animals probably are bred in some factory, I don't believe scientists have that much time to go around hunting!!
Trust me, most animals are bred over there... Even ones you didn't expect!!
Moving on, the rabbit is now in some sort of prison, which I believe can be pretty accurate, not gonna lie!! It tries to escape and stuff, but then it's brought to some laboratory!!
There we have the mad scientist, who just messes with its eyes, and now it can see. The end!!
No, I'm not kidding, that was it!! That was the whole thing!! After that it just has some "support cruelty free cosmetics" text!!
Now the comments!! Omg, they are HILARIOUS!! "I watched this and cried!!" "How would anyone do such a thing??" But the good ol' "No, people PLEASE STOP TESTING ON ANIMALS!!" with some crying emojis!! Which gets me wanna laugh so hard everytime!!
"HOW DARE YOU LAUGHING, THIS IS SERIOUS, HOW COULD YOU?? 😡😡😡" Ah, yes!! Now I'm being called put for a thing like this!!
Alright you Einstein, what do you said you wanted?? To wipe all animal testing from the face of earth?? Cool, done!! My question to you is:
"Do YOU want to be tested on??"
That's the thing, I can guarantee you that these woke kids are like "stop testing on animals!!" while they don't understand why it exists in the first place, and if you try reasoning with them, they just whine about it, instead of, idk... EDUCATING the person?? If you believe that I'm wrong TELL ME WHY!! REASONING DOESN'T EXIST IN SCHOOL TO ANNOY YOU, IT SERVES A GODDAMN PURPOSE!!
Same goes with the opposite!! If you ask why, they just say some random stuff they heard, repeating things over and over, or just saying the ultimate "because it's bad!!" Yeah, that was an enlightening experience!!
Just say you don't know anything and go...
Well, what about me?? Well, I understand both sides!! Experiments exist for a reason, but the cruelty that goes in there is inexcusable!! And do you know what you can do instead of writing a comment that by the language you are using, I can say how old you are?? Actually do what the test says, and support cruelty free companies!! Which btw, I love how they all cry about it, but NONE of them actually checks the origins of what they buy!! Now that's some hypocrisy right there!!
This is not my only example!! Everyone remember blm?? Tell me, how many of those kids got upset?? Cool, you have a number!! Now tell me of them actually helped?? Yeah...
You can replace it with anything, whether that be recycling, bullying, or even seeking help for the "depwession" they have!! Or any mental illness, trust me, the amount of people that fake DID is horrendous!!
And if you believe that I'm believe better than you, I actually don't, I believe that I'm a good person that can act like a piece of crap, because I feel like it!! That's all!!
Midway through I even questioned myself if I should cut it out, because I felt like I was being like my English teacher... But I need to talk about these somewhere, so I continued!!
Btw, I'm ready for some debate, as long as it's respectable, but whatever!!
- Creator
Hello people of the internet?? What's up??
Okay, now before I start, I feel like I have to say sorry if I'm acting off a bit these days... It's just that for some weird reason, I act like I've smoked weed or something... Again, sorry for that, if you see me way too happy or hyped, well... I'm just as confused as you are on why I'm like that!!
Well, now onto the main part!! Today I learned that sometimes writing about my life and not about my feelings, can be fun!! It's just that I always had the thought that if I wrote about something different, it would be BOOOORIIIINGGG!! But oh well, here we are!!
Well, yesterday I found some old diary that I made, before I came here!! Now some context: I loved the idea of having a website, but I was too shy to make it, so I downloaded a html editor, and made it there!! I still have it, but I deleted everything... Except that!! I found it while I used it to make the "Straightfromthedreams" page yesterday!!
I would love to react to it, or even post it sometime!! Because it was cringey af!! Yeah, more than this one!! (Now I really wanna react to it!!)
Another thing that I want these days, is to make some rainbow looms!! And yes, the hype for them had to be burned to ashes, and I had to discover dreamcore to find them cool and fancy!!
Yes, I never made or owned one!! Why?? Because it's me, someone who suddenly likes something, at a completely random time, just because I can!! (And now I really wanna go and buy some but I can't, oof!!)
What else?? Oh yeah!! Some stuff I learned on the internet: 1) internet drama and Rick Rolls have taught me to not trust anyone and to not click weird links, more than some mumbling at school and home!! I believe that if you expose someone in controled environments, they learn better!! And by that I mean watching the thing that happens for example, with Creepshow Art, and just send a Rick Roll every now and then!! People would learn more!!
Ah, I also found that there are many, TOO MANY in fact phone trackers for parents to track their children's phones, and by that I mean as far as knowing where they are, and hearing what is going on around them!! Look, I'm a bit of a control freak too, but holy cow, just say that you are obsessed with it and go!!
And lastly, these days I wanna buy a particular book too!! That is because one, it has my name in the title, and two, I really need to read something!! My parents think that I don't want to anymore, but in reality, I'm still a bookworm, it's just that all of today's books havee some pathetic romance in them!! NoT eVeRyThInG nEeDs RoMaNcE yOu KnOw!! And it's either that, or they must have some cheap meaning, but mostly happens in movies rather than books!!
Okay, I'm getting off track again!! Well, I want this book, because it has my name, and the protagonist seems pretty relatable!! You know, moving, having to see your life becoming a mess (except that mine was in a different way), the whole thing of processing thse changes...
Oh, I forgot to mention, she does drugs at one point!! "If she does drugs, why would your parents buy you that stuff??" Easy!! Because we did it at school!! Oh yeah!! Okay, a tiny portion of it (a paragraph or two), and as you probably guessed when I mentioned school, the author is one of those classical ones, that you wouldn't normally know... And then you suddenly go to the bookstore and you realise that you know WAAAAYY to many of the stories they have there!!
I guess I really like classical literature, huh!!
For now, that's all, I don't have anything else in my mind right now, so I leave you for now!! Byeee~!!
- [REDACTED]
*Hey, quick note from the intellectual self, this entry is WAAAAYY too emotional (and I mean it), soooo... Yeah!!*
I... I can't!! I can't!! I can't take this anymore!! I just can't!!
It was just that today, I learned that this was the last time that I would see my friend!! After that, he would move, because college and stuff...
And that... hurt me!! It hurts me so much, I can't handle it!! It's like someone just came to me and threw a brick at my face!! I just can't !!
It isn't even his fault, he has to go, because life!! It's something inevitable, and beyond his control, and that's okay, I understand that!! In fact, I was good when we were out, I literally started feeling like shit when I came back home!! And it pains me!!
He's gone!! My last resort is gone!! I finally felt happy, like I had someone who I could talk to, and hang out with!! But he's gone!! And I said myself not to get too attached, because I KNEW this moment would come, AND I GOT ATTACHED ANYWAY!! WELL DONE SELF, YOU DESERVE IT!!
And it isn't just him, EVERYONE leaves like that!! They all goddamn move!! WHY??
I can't even believe that I'm like this, I was literally thinking about how happy my life will be, and I was just happy this morning!! And now I feel like garbage, and I'm crying my ass off!! It's unbelievable!!
It's not even that, I also got a friendly reminder that from now on things will only go downhill: from now on, I will be something that everyone will shit on (because "finals"), and just have my happiness, relaxation, and overall life sucked out of me!! I'm gonna say it right now, when this summer will be over, everything happy will be over as well!! After that, I can guarantee that I will get so stressed, that I'll reach a breaking point!! I'm gonna say it right now, I don't feel like I'm gonna make it!!
And my question is; why?? Why am I getting so shitted on?? Why does everyone that I like must go?? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?? WHOSE SICK FANTASY IS THIS??
Knowing that I made all this progress throughout this month... All this progress and positivity, just to feel hopeless again... Because that's what I feel, hopeless!! I'm desperate!! I can't take this anymore!!
I don't even know how to cope with it at this point, my mind has already used many methods, way to much!! I usually start daydreaming, to the point where I forget I exist, or what my face looks like!! What am I supposed to do now, forget my whole identity??
Please someone, tell me that this has an end, I just need some comfort at this chaos that's happening!!
- I don't even know anymore!!
PS: Again intellectual self here, I'm sorry if I scared anyone with writing like that!! But now that I did it, I feel a bit better, I just had to let it out!!
Don't mind me, I'm just... Looking at the entry above!!
Mm, that's a nice entry right there... Uh huh!!
So you must be confused!! Well, that's understandable, so let me explain, by continuing where I left off!!
So last time, we saw myself getting sad and crying, because life can be really annoying sometimes!! And I was just crying, and fun fact, I cried without liking it, and that hasn't happened, in a LONG time!!
Next day comes up, and I still don't feel very well, so I feel like watching "School Mode" with Taka (duh!!) And everytime I saw him and Makoto talk, I was like "Taka said to the ultimate luck!!" "Taka said to the ultimate luck!!"
After that, I thought that being the ultimate luck would fit me, and how I could piss off Taka with that!! I thought so, because I remembered my past and said "Yeah, I'm such a lucky [removed]!!
Why do I care, you may ask me!! Well... Because I actually am!! I'm not kidding, that day when I said that, dad was said "get ready, we must meet someone!!" me and my sister where like "Why??" and he told us that one of our friends came in town!! Tell me now how is this a coincidence!!
And because saying "a friend" is vague and just confuses people, time for some letters as nicknames: The friend that left will be called V, the other friend that I met at 2012 will be A, and the two who remain will be X1 and X2!! The one who came is X1!!
So far everything seems to be better!! I guess life hates it when I have friends near me, but doesn't like having them far away for too long either... Alright then, for now I'll just say whatever...
"Oh, so you're fine now!!" Probably, I have some unpredictable mood swings and some intrusive thoughts, but I believe that they are the kind that I'll just have to wait for some time, and they'll leave!! So so far everything seems fine!!
Then I get another mood swing and cry myself to sleep again!!
The good news is that things are going better, and that's what matters to me now!! (No really, I was just plain awful before X1 coming over!!)
That's all for now, until next time!!
- Creator
Hey hey everyone!! I felt like I should update something, so here I am!!
First of all, happy month (I believe I said it wrong but whatev!!) Now it's July, so that means... Nothing really!! I can only think that 13th of July is coming, so I'm preparing to annoy you that day!! That's all!!
Also, today is a nice day!! I say that, because I saw a good dream, and I felt like I was a princess or something!! I later vibed with some good music, and I felt such comfort and love, I have some time to feel that with a calm brain!!
Now, about my life: X1 and I have so much fun together!! We really talked about everything and that was awesome!! It was so good, because I felt how friendship is. All that, because she said "Well, if I don't hear your problems, who will??" Yeah, she was right!!
Also mom is coming home today!! Yaaayyy!! After two months, she'll finally come back!! I actually missed her, and I really want a hug from her!! Or any kind of affection, really!! I feel a bit affection starved, but that's a bit of my fault too, so I'm not gonna whine about it!!
Well, that was it for now, hope you all have a great day!!
- Creator
Hey!! Hey hey HEY!!
What's up everyone?? Well, I'm pretty good!!
These days have been normal, nothing really happened...
That was a lie, I was just vibin', then I saw a drawing, and then I was being like "I'M READY TO FIGHT GOD, FATDGSTARAAHAHAHSTSRD!!"
Because what I said didn't make sense, let me explain it: so I have a (kinda) reoccurring nightmare!! The guy in the drawing was from the nightmare!! It was made at May, again, the most recent month that I saw this!!
BUT, when I saw it, I nailed to get some control of it for a tiny moment, just to say "hey, what you are doing to me is not very nice, could you please stop that??" And he said "I don't wanna talk to you!!"
What?? 😀😀😀
No... TO ME??
My dude, you can't just come here and do what you want, and not talk to me!! NO MY GUY!!
Since then, I want to just end this by turning the nightmare into a lucid dream!! I will fight him, and that will be the end!! At least I hope so ...
Anyway, another thing that I've been doing since... TODAY, is fangirling over Taka with Skillet playing!! Just yes!! 😌😌😌
So for that, I will present the "Music Week" (it will probably be until 13, but we'll see!!), where I will put a new song everyday, because yes!! Just check the updates!!
(I dunno, I just feel like Skillet is the perfect band for Taka!!)
So yeah, a week of the music I was listening at 13!! Yaaaaassss!!
- Creator
Sup everyone??
Well, you're probably here, because I told you about the reveals, so let me go through them:
For 20k, I will do a continent reveal!! Because I can, and because I didn't think of anything better...
For 25k, I will do an age reveal!! I thought of that, because I didn't wanna reveal my age, but now I feel more comfortable and stuff...
And, for 30k, I will do a country reveal, because I just realised that a continent reveal, is kinda disappointing!!
Now you're probably thinking "Really?? Everyone is doing a face reveal, and you do THAT?? Oh come on..."
It's not that I'm not gonna do it, it's just that I'm not gonna base them on views!! I will do that, but I'll do that when I'll be an adult and move out, because
1) it just feels a bit off to me, to do it now
2) let's say that only a few know the website... Yeah, I made this website in secret, so uhhh...
also 3, I wanna do it as a livestream, so it's REALLY likely that someone will walk in and interrupt it, so let's just wait until I move...
"Livestream you say??" Yeah, I'm thinking about reacting to my website, and that old journal I found!! Also, by then, I guess that the "Taka phase" will be over, so we'll have some good material to cringe on!!
But if you really really really want to see my older journal, I'll guess that I'll upload it at 50k... But I'm not sure about that...
Also, I know that some of you might want it a lot, but I don't wanna wake up one day with a billion views, because that will scare the hell outta me!!
So yeah, that's all, anything else?? Hmm, nah!! I guess I'll just let you be for now!!
- Creator
HEEEYYYY!! It's 13/7 today!! You know what that means...
It means that I officially close 1 year since I started simping for Taka!! Yaaaaassss!!
We should make a big celebration!! We should all celebrate!! Yeah, even you!! I can celebrate that I closed one year, and you can celebrate that I have one year left!! We can both enjoy this!!
Suddenly my mind wanted to take a bad route of thinking, but it's fine!! All I have to do is ignore it, and explain what I thought another day...
BECAUSE TODAY WE CELEBRATE!! BRING THE PARTY PEOPLE!!
🎉🎉🎊🎊🥳🥳🎊🎊🎉🎉
That means that today I made a huge party right??
No, I just sat home and played Minecraft...
I would do more if we wouldn't leave for vacation tomorrow!!
At least I ate noodles...
And I changed the place the pictures were in my room... That made me realise that square black and white figures look like pixels that contrast everything in the dark, and if they are positioned as if a tornado came, overstimulate me!!
Anyway, what else... Ah yeah, since yesterday, a special week started!! What's even more special is that it has 17/7!! Well, I could say what it is... But I feel like someone is just watching my every move, waiting to judge me, so uh...
I mean, I could just say it, one person said it here as well, but... Idk, idk!!
I guess I'll just hint it, because!!
Anyway, I don't have anything else to say, hope you all are doing well, and you're having a great time!!
- Taeka
Hey!!
Yeah, I wanted to write like a normal human being, but everyone woke up now, there's noise from outside, so I'll just do the essay and go!!
So, let's start with the basics: he's full name is actually Kiyotaka Ishimaru, it's just that people call him Taka!! His name means "A myriad pure summers", but the nickname "Taka"....
Did you know that Scar from the Lion King is also called Taka?? The more you know!! And do you know what that means in Swahili?? "Trash"!! No, really, I'm not kidding, it actually means that!!
Anyway, his birthday is at 31 of August, that means that he shares his birthday with Hatsune Miku, and Osana Najimi!! So that makes him a Virgo, and it pretty much clears everything up!!
He is the ultimate moral compass!! But people say that he's the ultimate hall monitor as well, so yeah!! As you guessed, he's pretty much that annoying person obsessed with school and studying!! Guess what, he actually is!! He is so obsessed, that the creators made him wear a school uniform, but it's also a bit military like, to highlight his madness!!
(You have no idea how many of my friends believed that he was a soldier!! A, even said that he looks like H***er, because he wears an armband!! But that's because he's president of the morals committee!!)
Not only that, but that's the only thing he wears!! Even on summer and holidays!! He seriously said "I have 10 sets of the same uniform, there's nothing weird with that!!" That's because, you know, "YoU mUsT bE sTuDyInG aLl ThE tImE"
Not only that, he also has black hair, which, if you're in Japan and you attend school... Your hair must be black, and short.
But where is this madness coming from?? Well, he's grandfather was prime minister of Japan. Needless to say, he screwed everything up!!
His family was since then in huge debts, and that made him wanting to surpass him. yes, he wants to become prime minister of Japan!!
Ah yeah, he also hates geniuses since then!! So when Makoto said that he was a genius, he didn't like it!!
Also personally, I believe that he's the guy "I don't have money, but I'm not living in the streets!!" I mean, this guy went to a freaking private school!! I believe that he lives like everyone else, but if for example, a super duper phone comes up and everyone has it... He probably won't have it.
...
I don't remember what else I should say, I forgot, I should probably go eat to remember...
Update: k, k, I'm back!! Moving on...
....
I just remembered that he has the "if the body is naked, so is the soul" belief... So if he says he wants to take a bath with you, it's his way of saying "let's be friends!!" Yes, he took a bath with Makoto, vufudydgfydteyvi!!
What?? You thought that I was gonna say the sauna scene with Mondo?? No, suffer!!
Speaking of that... He had no friends!! Mondo was the first friend he ever had!! So sweet!!
And then he died!!
After that, he wasn't speaking, he wasn't sleeping, he wasn't eating... He was just existing!!
And then Alter Ego showed up, yaaayyy!!
And Taka turned into Kiyondo Ishida!! That happened!! He and Mondo literally fused, and made Ishida!!
(Also, it doesn't matter how much you like Taka, that sprite where he closes his eyes is always cursed!! Yes, I had to remind you!!)
Now as Ishida, he was pretty much the same, expect that he was kinda more like a "badass" and... okay no, he wasn't really cursing!!
(That "I'll stick a banana up your tailpipe" is... For some reason it can't get out of my head... help me!!)
So in general, he got some character development, as everyone calls that, but I'm not so sure... Sure, he may e got something, but he got it as Ishida, not as Taka...
And then he died, lol!! All this noise for nothing!!
Now you ask "Why tf do you like this nerd??"
Uuuuuuhhhh...
I like the mastermind version actually...
*cough*
I don't know why I like him with glasses, I just do!!
It's the power of Asobu!! If you actually search how he looks like in the game, uuuuuuhhhhh...
Okay, but aside from the obvious dumb reasons, this, was mostly why I started liking him!! You know, if you have a mental breakdown every day, your brain decides that if not crying helps, suppression will!! But seeing this over here made me go "It's okay to have feelings and cry!!" Kinda wholesome...
And then you discover that you have issues!!
What makes me really curious, is how can he be stable, when his life was worse than mine?? Because I forgot to mention, his middle school life was really dark!! Nobody knows what happened, but some people theorise that he was bullied... Some... Something even worse!!
Okay, because I need to go, Pinterest link with how each mastermind version looks like!! Because we need 3 instead of one!!
The first one is kinda nice!! I just don't really like that it looks painfully close to Monokuma, but I like it!!
The second one is MaYbE my favourite!! Just a normal black!!
The 3rd one is good, but a bit TOO good for a high school killing game!! It looks good if he rules the world, but some killing game... nah!!
Also, the 3rd one is the only that I have trust issues with!! Long story short, nightmare!! That's how Miss Wannabe was created!!
Okay, I really need to go now, so uh... bye!!
- Taeka
Hey!!
Okay, I'm gonna say it, I hate the fact that July is almost over!! Because in 15 days, I'll have to start private lessons again, and I hate it!!
That makes me hate my life, just a little more!!
Yeah, okay, because I don't wanna get sad now, I'm gonna say what I've been doing these days, because that's what I wanted to write in the first place!!
Well, I went on vacation again!! Two times!!
...
I'm not flexing it, I find this weird as well... Guess life wants me to rest before I start hating everything!!
The first one was kinda unique: we spent three days on one place, and then we moved on another for the other 3!!
The first three days were nice: quiet place, the sea was near, everything was nice!! When I wrote in my last entry that I should go, it was because I had to go to the sea!! Long story short, it was pretty good!!
The other 3 were a freaking overstimulation!! It was loud, it has a lot of lights, and it wasn't my cup of tea!! The most exciting thing that happened, was me listening to weirdcore playlists while everyone was sleeping, and my phone was charging... Asode from that, I was constantly angry!!
Ah yeah, apparently life decided to remind me that involuntary impure regression is a thing... While I was out in a place I didn't know, had to go somewhere I didn't know, and all while being alone... I could handle this if I was my age, but regressed me got terrified, and will never forget that day!!
Also, everyone acted like they've never seen sea in their life!! Like... I can't describe the level of stupidity that was!!
Anyway, the other one was me being with X1 again, near an island. It was pretty good, because she was there!! We had a lot of fun actually, and we vibed!! I actually learned a lot about her these days, because she got some new interests I didn't heard last time!! Kinda cool!!
And now a small TW!!
Also, I don't know why, we went in some souvenir shops, and I saw some razor blade necklaces... Made me uncomfortable as hell in the beginning, but now it won't get away, until I get one!! I could make one, but those things are dangerous!! I know that first hand (from shaving)...
End of TW!!
We also at one point went and ate some cream!! It was really yummy!! Now I want some, can I make some??
*searches*
Yes, I can!! YEEEEEE!!
We also went in a Luna Park... I loved it, every fiber of my being loved it!! Especially the carousel, because it was just me and X1!! It also brought me back some sweet memories, and I really appreciate that!!
The nice part was when we we heading back!! The car was overheating, and a part of the gas container popped... So we had to wait until it was empty... Lol!!
Guess god didn't like the fact that I heard sad breakcore in the car...
So yeah, we're now back, I've regressed again a few days ago... And apparently my little self likes Mars Argo... Fair enough!! Also, the whole little age thing, was not what I expected... Damn!!
Well, now I'll go do that cream I said, because I really want some... So, goodbye for now!!
Hey!! Hey hey hey!!
So in the morning I said that I'm gonna explain how I guessed the age of an average Danganronpa fan!!
So, I wrote that my favourite song is now associated with Dream... Yeah, I'm still dealing with the five stages of grief, like... why?? In case you didn't know, the name of it is "These are the lies"!!
Now, what does this have to do with Danganronpa?? Well, I heard it in a mastermind Taka edit!! Which had the same part with that Dream animation!! Don't worry if you wanna know the edit, in a few days I will annoy you about it!!
And let's be real here, Dream fans are... young!! I know, some adults play Minecraft too, but being a Dream fan... Too me, you're kinda young!! (Or you just act like a kid, but why would you do that??)
Not only that, but I decided to watch some memes the other day, and some were Roblox memes... Yeah, you all just outed yourselves, I haven't seen many adults play Roblox...
The lowest I'm gonna go on age is 12, because yeah, the fandom is made of kids, but I don't know if anyone lower than that would play a killing game... Not that it's impossible, just not the majority!!
And now I'm gonna go with experience, and say that I started maturing at 15, so the highest I'll go is 14/15!! Again, not that 15-18 don't exist, just not the majority... Or the loud part of the fandom!!
So I'll say 12-14!!
"It's not made of kids!!" I've seen a popular Danganronpa YouTuber, and the whole is just screaming "I'm a kid!!" Yet somehow, the adult YouTubers are even worse, like whoah!!
Also... salty over ships!! Like... it's so obvious!!
Again, not EVERYONE is that age (I'm not in there), but that loud majority that people... don't like... probably kids!! Or again, adults that need a hobby!!
Junko be jealous from my analytical skills, haha!!
Damn, I really liked this one, I should do more!! Yeah!! Well, note to self to write about Junko's personas, what exactly is Korekiyo's sister, and I also wanna describe how I believe a mastermind's mind work...
Also, who knows, some YouTube drama, I like roasting the YouTubers of the fandom!! :P (oof)
- Creator
I didn't want to write until I had the motivation to write what I promised last time, but... Uh, I wanna talk about me now!!
These days I felt like I started to change... EWW!! NO WAY!!
It started when I wanted to change my wardrobe for school... And then I felt like I did this to please people.... Now, it's not that it's that bad... If I wasn't repeating the same freaking cycle I did in junior high school!!
Because of that, I don't wanna change!! At all!! I actually missed feeling shit and just using this website for its original purpose... And just being as I was in the beginning of the year...
Because of that, I decided to start acting like my past self!! I started thinking, behaving, and all that, and honestly... I see some improvement!!
Mybrainrottedabit,butohwell...
Also these days I have a sudden urge to just... Delete all my social media, and just stay with Neocities, Pinterest, YouTube, and maybe download Tumblr... Like, sorry, but I tried to change my Instagram theme and... Gosh, this place is just so fabricated, cold and BORIIINGG!! I just can't stand being there....
But that's the only way I can talk with A and my classmates about homework, AH-!!
But then again, that's what makes it so boring!! I really can't stand all of them just making out on my feed... Ew!!
One day, my wish will come true... Btw, let's normalise using an app, and then deleting it for no reason, just because you got bored!! (Also, can't you all make a website version of them, why do you all want to eat my storage, Uh!!)
Aside from that, I decided to go back into reality shifting... It was the only thing keeping me sane, and one of the main things my past self did, soo...
Also decided to download Toram Online... Turns out this game was one of my biggest comforts back then!! That makes me wanna eat instant noodles for the whole safe space experience...
The only thing making me nervous, is that the peak of that state was in winter... But now it's summer. I waited for summer to become happy again, and it turned out to be the crappier version of what I wanted...
(Thank you irl people for telling me to grow up, that made me waste my summer, yay!!)
Also, if I sounded weird... Well, it's because these days my emotions and thoughts became really disorganised... So yeah....
That's all for now!!
- Creator
*I accidentally left without saving, oh my god!!*
Anyway!! Today, is 13/8!! That means it's Taka Day!! That means that I must annoy you in every way I can!!
BUT, before I bombard you mercilessly, let me give you a tragic backstory!!
So last year, I went on vacation, but I didn't bring my headphones... That meant an entire week without music... And trust me, if you are addicted to it, it sounds awful!! You just can't function!!
But that was until... I saw this Instagram edit (Just remembered that some of you might not have Instagram... RIP)
That, made me excited!! I was like "MUSIIIICCC!!" I finally felt alive and functioning again!! That, was what I needed!! (Thank goodness the editor credited the song!!)
Because of that, I started editing, this became my favourite song, and I celebrate this day as Taka Day!! (Also because many "important events" could be converted to 13... 13/7, 13/8,31/8, 1/3 (Me obsessing over another character)
Aaand, because I hear whining from the back of the class, here are his voice lines, and here are his free time events, don't make me link everything!!
Also... If you only know Taka from me and the art I show you... Have a pat in the back, I'm sorry!!
..... Should I add something??
Ah yes, I went to the beach today... I look a bit like a tomato, but whatever... I would still call this day "well spent"!!
Also, because there are Waaaayy to many lines of code in this, I'm planning on making a new diary every year, because after a while I get lost...
But yeah, outside of that, I have nothing else to add, so... Peace!!
- Creator
Hello!! Hey hey hey!!
Today I got vaccinated, yeeeeee!!
Well, I feel the usual, my arm and it's a little swollen... Now I also had a headache, but I can't tell if I had it because of the vaccine, or because of something else!!
Also, I'm actually happy not only for the vaccine, but for the whole day!! First of all, I did it early in the morning, so that means less light and people, and the air is more cool!! Also, I finally decided to wear pastel (FINALLY!!), and just act more cutesy, and I finally felt AT PEACE!! I was finally how I wanted to be and act for once (it may sound weird for you, but for some reason, if you wanna be this way, you're childish and immature for some reason, so I was low-key forced to act "my age"!!)
And lastly, the reason why I wanted to go to the hospital... *suspense* Because at the parking lot, you can hear the electricity through the wires, and I was like "cool, I wanna record it!!" I did, btw!! I also wanted to take some pictures from inside, to make weirdcore edits, but I didn't get the chance, maybe next time!!
Now that I wrote that down, I feel like I'm weird for having more fun at the hospital than any other place in this town... And now that I think of it, it's kinda sad too... Oh well, at least I did what I wanted, and I had a nice day, that's what matters!!
- Creator
About yesterday:
You don't care about me, I don't care about you!! It's that easy!! I don't know why we have to make such a big deal out of this!! Just stop acting like you care, you don't!! I don't get why you must act like there's someone out there... Please, stop!! None cares!! For the love of God!!
Also... Daydreaming!! I'm gonna keep doing it!! I don't care if it'll make me get cancer and have 3 days left to live, I'm gonna keep doing it!! At least that was there with me when none else was!! Why should I stop?? For you?? Who do you think you are?? Someone special?? You think you're the first one?? You think that you're solving my issues?? No you aren't!! I don't get why so many people try to look original to my eyes, when they're all painfully the same!! People from the outside are always the same!!
What are you gonna do, send me to a psych ward?? Not that I have a problem tbh... I'm kinda curious what is it like to be in one... But you aren't gonna do it, you're so sure I'm fine, so it's impossible you're gonna do that!! Therapy then?? Aw, lovely!! No that I don't want it!! It's not gonna do anything!! I already sent out my cries for help, but life just didn't felt like it!! So now I'm giving up!! I give everything up, I don't care!! I'm just gonna do what life was about to do from the moment I was born... The moment I was born... Why was I saved, I don't know!!
Anyway, leaving that aside!! I feel like I have to do what was meant to be... I just need a few more years when I'll be able to be at a house alone... I just need a few more years... Why years?? Will I be able to handle it?? Oh god!!
Maybe I should also give up reality shifting then, if I'm actually gonna do this?? But I get so many angel numbers... You know what?? Respawning, or I'm doing what I planned, screw it!!
I now feel like I'm letting the 2 people that helped me down... That sucks... But I just can't handle it anymore...
Anyway!! Another thing: I'm BuIlDinG wAlLs ArOuNd Me!! GREAT!! No, really, GREAT!! I DID SOMETHING RIGHT!! Screw friends, they are the biggest pain I've ever encountered!! I built walls, huh?? MAKE THEM BIGGER!! MAKE THEM TOUCH THE FREAKING SKY!! You don't deserve any part of me, I'm not sharing ANYTHING to you!! Why?? Because outsiders are either toxic or short lived, I don't have time for wasted time!! If you are an outsider, don't talk to me, I have no time for ANY of your stupid little games!!
And what's funny is that now it's Taka's fault!! You really think that he is the first one?? No, I just got more comfortable and slapped pictures around my room, as yet ANOTHER coping mechanism!! I love that if something doesn't make sense it's his fault!! Yeah, let's ignore that the guy helped me find what's wrong with me and he still helps in many ways, it's his fault now!!
I'm not leaving the house until next week, or until I feel like it again!! I don't regret anything, and I'm saying this: coping is not the same for everyone, and you don't have to try to solve everything, because I don't want everything to be solved at this point!!
This chaos is my heaven, and I'm staying in it!!
- Creator
Tomorrow it's the first day of school, WHYYYYYYYY??
(I would whine more, but if I do that, that would be selfish, because at least school starts in the middle and not in the beginning of the month for me!!)
Anyway, I'm not here for that now, I wanna say something that bothers me...
So, there's a certain someone, that really tries to help me. He calmed me down multiple times, he helped me deal with a lot of things, in general, he is a really nice person!! And he tried to make me go to therapy, get better and all that!! Now, I've said that I wanna give it up, but at one point I lost it so badly, my parents made me go to one anyway!! So, I went!!
...
After that, I started hating myself like my life depended on it!! I felt so awful, I [hidden]!! After a while, I was feeling better, only for me to start losing it again, and being in that cycle!! And all that, in front of him (not doing it willingly, he was just standing there, and I didn't notice)!!
Like I said, he was mostly trying to help me!! And when he saw me like that,he freaked out!! I'm pretty sure that it's because he felt like he failed!! And that scared the hell out of me!! Most of the time, he was just calm, caring, that type of guy!! And now, he lost it!! It was the first time I saw him like this!!
I tried to help him calm down, because I really couldn't stand seeing him like that!! Fortunately, he says he feels better now, but I'm worried!! I don't want to see him feeling upset like that, EVER AGAIN!! I want him to feel happy!!
I would try to explain who is he before writing this, but I really needed to write this somewhere!! And indeed, it helped me!!
Also, something random, I realised why I prefer writing here, over my physical journal!! I always believed that it was because I'm an attention seeker, and this is my way of getting sympathy, but turns out that it's not the case!! I write digitally in general, because it feels like someone is reading this!! Even if nobody sees it, I feel like someone heard me!! Because in my physical diary, I know that I'm the only one reading!! And most of the time, when I wanna write, I wanna write about something that's bothering me, with the need of someone to hear me!! But because I don't have anyone right now, this is my way of doing it!! Because most of the time, I don't want advice, I just want it to be "out there"!!
Well, aside from all these, I don't think I have anything to add... I really wanna explain though who this guy is, but I need the "okay" though!! Yeah, that's all, nothing else to say!!
- Creator
So uuhh... I made a bet with him today!! That's cool!! But not really!! Because it's a deadly one!! But last time, he won!! Do I want him to win again though?? I honestly have no idea!!
Should I tell anyone about this?? Not the bet, my plan!! Do I care though?? I mean, I'm writing this, so I guess I care!! That's why we made the bet, because of my plan!! Everyone said I should tell someone, even my subconscious... But I won't listen to my subconscious, it would agree anyway!!
I mean, even if I tried... I doubt it will have any effect... Parents believe I'm fine (just "anxious" like...), school doesn't care AT ALL (my mental health got worse, because now everything evolves around finals now... If you don't sell your soul to Satan and ask him to turn you into a freaking studying machine like Taka, you're dead!!) (did I mention that I'm only one week in and I already [removed]?? :,), therapy was nice, and then it got BAD, and all my friends are gone now, so oof!!
I remember writing entries about how lonely I felt... Now I've surpassed that point!! I don't feel anything anymore!! Now I just hate humans!! And socialising!! And this reality!! And the fact that I exist!! And breathe!! And think!! And feel!! Everything feels like a burden to me at this point!!
But now, I should probably talk more about him!! Now that I think about it, I might be putting him under a lot of stress, and I promised I would never do that again!! But now I made the plan, AAAAAHHH!!
I'm wondering if I'm asking to much from him!! But last time, he nailed to do the impossible!! Maybe because a part of me wanted him to win, I don't know!! But last time it wasn't that easy either, his life depended on it!! And of other people as well!! (To the person who makes theories, no, I didn't harm any other people!! I might explain it, but that will happen when I'll say the plan I have to someone!!)
I think I'm distressing him!! Because last time, he was waaaayy calmer!! I think that it's my fault, oh no, oh no, oh no!! I don't want to distress him, I want him to behave as he normally does!! Because if he's stressed, that's game over for ya!! Oh nononono!! That shouldn't happen, we both saw what happened last time!!
Maybe I should tell someone!! But who?? Oh god, I need to do something!! Think think think!! I must find something!!
-
TW: S//i//ide
Well, I think that now that I did it, I can write it here as well...
So two days ago, I finally told my parents about the plan!! Now, I don't know if I have hinted it enough, but that plan was my suicide plan!! I honestly have no idea what your reaction of all of you right now, you either expected it, or you didn't see it coming at all, can't tell...
I've been suicidal for (kinda) the past 3 years, but I didn't had a plan, just thoughts... But some months ago, it happened. Like I literally had planned everything, holy cow!!
But I couldn't hold it anymore and I just let it out, I literally said everything... I don't know if it's because I couldn't stand seeing V and K being concerned for me, or if I actually don't wanna die... I don't think I wanna die, it's just some things that seem like there's no way to escape them...
I really wanna say sorry to V, K and my parents for being like that!! They all love me, they really do!! But K in particular, couldn't stand it!! I feel horrible for tormenting him like that, he had his own struggles, and I just made him suffer even more... It was just that my empathy had really been turned off at that point... K, I hope you'll forgive me, even if you say you do, I hope you'll forgive me!!
And for my parents... They are so great, they really care for me, even if I don't feel it. I really should have said them sooner, these people are so understanding!! Finally I got the affection I wanted!! Not because they didn't give me any, but because I couldn't enjoy it!! Maybe my heart was full of guilt... And now it's out there, so I could finally feel loved!! I must admit that I felt guilty that I told them, I don't know if I messed them up, I really don't want them to feel awful because of me!!
The weekend was great, we went out on a roadtrip, had some fun, and in general we were happy!! I really enjoyed this weekend, and that hasn't happened in quite some time!!
I must say that my suicidal thoughts haven't gone away completely, bit I must admit that they have decreased significantly!! I should probably have done it sooner...
Also, something irrelevant, yesterday I watched 2001: A Space Odyssey!! All hail HAL!! Well, I kinda got confused, but I liked it!! Did I like it for the movie itself or for HAL, I'll never know... Yes, I literally watched it for an AI that kills people, I admit that!!
And then, there's today!! This weekend was so good, I literally cried when I woke up!! And that's because school is one of the biggest hellholes I've ever seen!! There's nothing likeable in there anymore, it's just a chore at this point... I really have run out of appreciation for this place!!
But I had to go, so I just forced myself to get up and walk... Luckily, I saw trash cans at the entrance, and everyone was outside... That means no school for today!! Thank goodness, because I REALLY am not mentally okay for school right now!! Yes, the suicidal thoughts decreased greatly, but I still need some time, I can't just wake up and be fine!!
So now, I sit here writing, hoping that I'll find it like that tomorrow as well, because if I do, it means that we'll switch to online learning!! And you know what?? I want this!! I want this so badly, I prefer it much more than going there!! I don't like going to school at all!! Not only that, but some people are sick as well, I think that it's time!!
Honestly, after all that, I feel much better, and more hopeful for things to come!!
- Creator
Well, I would say sorry for not updating so often as I was used to in the beginning, but I'm gonna blame the fact that there are so many entries here, that writing makes the editor lag!! But it's fine, I'm gonna make another one next year, and I'll probably get motivated again!!
But anyway, I wanted to say something else: I wanna thank everyone and myself for being here with me!! It may sound cliché, but you guys really helped me become who I am!! In the beginning, I was just someone who (let's be honest), was trying to hard to act as a character I've made!! But now, I'm more confident!! That is because I realised that people here are okay with how I act, and that made me come out of my shell!!
Up until now, I would like a character, obsess over that character, make an OC from that obsession, and then become the OC!! But now, I have started to behave more like myself!! Not only that, but Miss Wannabe is a character I wouldn't normally make!! And her personality is difficult to do for me!! I just can't act like a cold... Ruler (She's not a queen, neither an empress, neither a god!! Not even her knows what she is)!! So, here I am, me being me!!
I also don't know if it would be a good idea to become her, because it could mess up everything!! People would maybe say that I'm delusional, idk!! Not that I'm not either!! I actually have one/two delusions!! Now, idk if I should write them, but I'm gonna do it, and delete them later if I feel that it was a bad idea!! Well, the first one is that I believe that people can read my mind if they are near me, or if I'm having my headphones plugged into the device I'm talking with them!! Of course my mind must make things worse, and start thinking the most random things in the universe, which is not helping when you believe that someone near you can see every thought you have!! (Irrelevant, but I believe that mind reading is not a so good power to have, especially if you don't know how to control it!!) The second is that I believe that there are parasites inside me!! Well, there's a logical explanation for this though, I once saw something, and since then, my mind feels like it has parasites in my body!! Especially in the eyes!! If you have a fear of parasites, I'm sorry that I didn't warn you, my bad!!
Now that I'm talking about it, I'm kinda glad I'm self aware!! I believe that the only reason I don't have psychosis, is because I'm self aware, and I can say what is real, and what is fake (🎵 Now I know what's real, what's fake!! 🎵)!! If I wasn't I would have a hundred more delusions, a hard time differentiating things, and a lot more!! Even if I don't always like the fact that I'm self aware, I'm grateful!!
Irrelevant, but now that I think about it, I haven't said much about something else I might have, that is Maladaptive Daydreaming!! Well, I still have most of the symptoms, and tried to answer the mds-16 thing that people say that it's pretty accurate, and I scored high, but... After March, my mind has a hard time daydreaming!! I honestly don't like it, because I really can't go on without daydreaming!! I'm just now generally confused!! What's worse, is that I'll never get diagnosed, becauseit's not recognised as an official disorder!! Which makes everything worse!!
You know what, maybe... Nevermind!! I was gonna say that self-diagnosis might not be so bad, and give a reason why, but the reason I'm thinking of is actually self evaluation!! Soo... Don't self diagnose, but self evaluate!!
Also, another irrelevant thing: I don't think I'm gonna be so invested in reality shifting/respawning anymore!! And that's because of something I realised: I once caught myself thinking about starting a cult, and how awesome it would be to have people worshipping you!! And K seeing this, said "You don't need a cult, you need someone to love you!!" And he's right!! I'm not trying to shift because I find it cool!! I'm trying to shift, because I want someone to love me!! Now that's just sad!!
Also, K is literally emotional support in a human!! Literally all the wisest things I've heard came from him!! Now that's just amazing!! Amazing how someone can be like this!! Like, if you want some emotional support, tell me, I'm gonna go inform him!!
Now, don't kill me, but I low-key still want to make a cult... But as a joke!! ✨ And as a attention starved person!! ✨ Please don't murder me, I still believe that it would be funny if we made as joke!! Wait!! I got an idea!! Neocities Discord group!! We could make a group and casually talk there!! But you don't have Discord!! I know!! :)
Also, everyone must be forced to wear a specific thing, whether it be an accessory, or something else!! I said so!! >:)
You cringe!! I know!! :)
- Creator
Well, today I decided to check out some free time events, and I saw Keebo's... And then, I saw him talking with Shuichi about his future career... And the fact that they didn't reach a conclusion made me sad... So I need to write an entire entry about what job he could have, because I got really depressed!!
Well, in the beginning, he said he wanted to be a pop star!! I honestly don't see the whole discouragement from that!! I'm pretty sure that if they tried to practice, he could be really good at it!! I mean, Ibuki would definitely want to sing with him, that's the impression I'm getting!! And even if he just isn't that good at singing, he could just make music!!
And even if he just doesn't have the talent for music, he could make art, or write books!! I think that even if he can't write the "oh my god, deep meaning" book, he could still write, there are so many genres out there!!
But, let's say that these things just ain't it!! When Shuichi said something about "high risk", some ideas popped up in my head!! He could rescue people from ruined buildings!! You know, like those rescue dogs!! All you gotta do is find them!! And, you get respect points, because you save their lives, so that is a win!!
But, let's say that this is too dangerous!! Well, he could teach people First Aid!! Yes, that's a legit job, and you get paid for it!! Now that I think of it, he could have a job in that field easily!! He could be a doctor,or a surgeon, or something like that!! Again, it comes with the respect points!!
But, maybe that's too gorey or gross!! Well, I'm pretty sure he can calculate things easily, so he could also be a mathematician, or... You know what, he could also be an astrophysicist, the job I wanted (But now not really, because I changed my mind)!!
And if nothing fots, well... I'm honestly running out of ideas!! I'm pretty sure he can open a museum to himself, tell the story of his life, and have people like him!! But I doubt that doing this is a good idea...
This entry is as cringey as my 13 y/o edgyness, but I just wanted to write it anyway, because I got so invested in this... Well, I'm pretty sure he can have any job he wants, as long as he's good at it!!
.... I'm really overthinking this....
- Creator
Sooo, uuuuuhhhh... A lot of things happened today!!
So the day started with a chemistry test!! Noice!! Anyway, I also had to apply for the exams at the end... I so DID NOT like this!! I felt so uncomfortable, and weird!!
Then I had to do some exercises, okay... Then, during the break... Oh god!!
So I've been talking to someone for a while, and I asked him if he wanted me to be with him during the break, he said yes, we were together... AnD hE cOnFeSsEd At Me?? WhAt?? Like how do you do that?? No really, how and why?? Why me?? We're talking about the best student in class, confessing to an average!! Why?? That's why I was asking earlier today what do you guys like about me, because I wanna know what he saw in me... Oh really, you once made V fall in love with you, and now you act like that??
Also, idk how to refer to have him?? V2, T, B?? Well, I'll give it some more time, until I'll figure it out...
Idk, how to feel about this...
- Creator
Hello there!! How is everyone goi-!!
You said you would update {x}, the buttons page needs to be updated, why are you here??
vujghihiihivbjguugu, DIARY.HTML!! JUST BECAUSE I CAN!! yftfrztststddttssrrs!!
Anyway, how's life?? Mine's pretty good right now, my anxiety kinda reduced, so that's good... Which is really ironic, because life said "you have unlocked two new Pokémon!!"... Like, I don't know how, but life is like "you experienced something SLIGHTLY stressful in your life!! Take 3 anxiety disorders!!" Like, HOW DID WE GO FROM 1 TO 3?? AND WHY ARE THEY ALL ANXIETY ONES?? No wait, I know why... Because GAD is like a McDonald's happy meal, you get another one of your choice!! Also, why do I always get diagnosed during November/December?? Idk!! Well, it's two times in a row, so I have to do it: mid to late-November to mid to late-December is now considered the Taka period, where you are like the picture below!! Idk how, but for some reason, if it's the Taka period, my mind gets anxiety out of nowhere!! Like, what??
I love the fact that a few moments ago, I felt anxious because oh no wind, and now I'm like "yeah, but what if I'm faking??"!! I totally forgot that denial phase!! Especially with the social anxiety one, I literally feel like "no, ypu gpt it wrong, I think that you have the wrong impression about me"!! (what, no I'm just making things up, these typos are not from shakey hands, you must have misunderstood!!)
Irrelevant, but now that I keep talking about anxiety, it's surprising that I haven't made a GAD pun yet!! Like, never made one this journal!! I keep saying oh my god, but not even a single time"oh my GAD??" WeIrD!!
Also... There's been this gift that I want for Christmas, and I just couldn't get my mind off of it, so I just went up to my dad and said "could we please buy it now and have it under the Christmas tree until then??" and he said "it's already under the tree"!! So I ran in the living room and I saw it!! My baby was there, waiting for me!! I now need to wait, but I can't!! AAAAAHHH, PLEASE COME TO MEEE!! I just need to wait until New Year, because here we actually open our presents in the New Year, and not on Christmas!! Just hang in there hun, you will be mine if a few days!!
Now, I don't know if this will certainly happen, but we might go to ThE cApItAl again during Christmas, because mom left again due to work, so she won't be here during the holidays, and that made us all think that we should go visit her... Well, I sure hope so!!
Also, irrelevant, but we hit 50 followers, what?? How, thank you all so much!! I love all of you, you're the reason why I love this place so much!! You guys are awesome!! Really, ypu guys are all AwEsOmE!!
- Creator
So I just finished my chemistry lesson... The teacher said that she wants me to be as I was last year... But that she means studying more, remembering things better, and not zoning out every 5 seconds!!
I mean, yeah, I understand why she wants that... But last year, the schools were closed, and I cared about less things so I just did things better... This year all I do is just have mental breakdowns at school and crying randomly over the slightest inconveniences!! Not that last year things were better though: from January to March, I was just crying myself to sleep due to the loneliness I was feeling!! Horrible... But also perfect!!
Now... I don't feel anything!! I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad, I don't feel angry... I don't feel anything!! There's only an empty void!! The only thing left is my anxiety, which due to my ancraophobia and the random winds these days, it became worse!! Really, from all the 3 ones, this one's the worst!! It's the worst, because it paralyses you, and forces you to dig a hole into the ground and hide!! But you can't do that, you have to keep going with your day!!
After all this months, I finally nailed to detach because I was suffering, and now I'm having emotional outbursts over small things and random sensations in my chest!!
But still, should I go back?? During January I.was obsessed with reality shifting, because I was feeling awful and thought that ot could solve my problems!! I was despairingly hopeful!! Now I'm nothing!! I'm in a bland state doing nothing, and feeling nothing!! It has gotten to the point where I don't know if I wanna go back or stay the way I am, because I don't feel happy or anything really with this decision!! So I don't know what to do!!
When I still had my emotions, I had problems!! Now I still have problems!! I feel like I wasted my time, but I don't feel like going back!! What benefits will that have exactly?? Because I feel that burying my emotions is a logical choice!! No grief, no pain, nothing!!
Maybe emotions have nothing to do with it and I just need to find out what the real cause of me losing motivation to do anything is!! In that case, someone please tell me what it is, I don't have much time to figure it out!!
- Creator
